


nonstop

by ohsun



Series: nonstop universe [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Alternate Universe - Car Racing, Angst with a Happy Ending, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:41:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 130,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27580163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohsun/pseuds/ohsun
Summary: Jaehyun's one of the most promising rookies the racing world was ever seen. Doyoung's a brilliant engineer on a rival team.Together, they'd be an unstoppable force.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Series: nonstop universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2158224
Comments: 90
Kudos: 190





	1. 2012

**Author's Note:**

> This is my Nanowrimo project which turned into a monster twice the size. Thank you so much to @gravityongs for beta-ing this, it has really helped me tremendously and improved this work SO much. 
> 
> Please see the warnings in the chapter notes, as the warnings will change in future chapters.
> 
> sidenote: all characters are aged up/aged down as I saw fit for the story, Jaehyun is the youngest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: one instance of non linear timeline, mentioned weight loss/dieting, minor angst, implied homophobia, alcohol, kissing under the influence of alcohol

****

****MARCH 2020** **

****

Jaehyun tips his head back, shoulders setting comfortably against the cushions behind him. It’s hot and he’s _so_ tired he feels like he’s going to melt out of his suit. Maybe he can leave the room unnoticed if he goes disguised as a puddle of Grand Prix winner, maybe they’ll leave him alone if they see how uncomfortable he is. 

****

His whole body aches, it doesn’t really get better. No matter where he’s at in the season, every race makes him feel like his body just spent two hours inside a tumble dryer. The tiny racing car he drives isn’t much different. His neck is so stiff he’s given up on looking to the right all evening, and his back so rigid that the soft cushions feel more like bricks jamming between his vertebrae. 

****

He scans the room until his eyes land on that one person he’s been searching for all night. 

****

Doyoung. 

****

That one person that makes all of the training, intensity and madness surrounding the circuit worth it - his _husband_. 

****

Where would he be without him? Certainly not here in the corner of some fancy penthouse, passed out, wishing the people in the room would just disappear and leave him be. 

****

If it weren’t for Doyoung, he would have never even made it out of his hotel room tonight. He would have spent the whole evening in the bathtub and emptied out the minibar only to be scolded by his manager the next day and have Doyoung tease him relentlessly - that’s how he preferred his nights, if he had the luxury of choosing. 

****

Instead, Doyoung gets to chaperone him around yet another event. 

****

It’s important he talks to the sponsors, keeps a happy face and pretends to care about designer bags and mocktails.

****

Sometimes it suffices that he just sits, breathes, forcing smiles and poses for pictures. 

****

If he feels adventurous he’ll have a drink with Ten. If there’s something worth celebrating Yuta will take them out on the balcony and slide him a cigarette. They’ll stand in the citylight glow, Jaehyun smoking while Yuta keeps a watchful eye. 

****

At some point Doyoung will come looking for him. 

****

Scold him. 

****

Get out a small sample size cologne bar and hose Jaehyun down until he smells runway proof again, until every hint of smoke is gone. Then he’ll keep Jaehyun on his arm all evening and make him look like _the_ face for your favourite brand of energy drink. 

****

Doyoung is so bright, so brave and so incredibly good at what he does.

****

Jaehyun has long forgotten why Doyoung would do this for him. There’s got to be a catch at some point, Doyoung pulling the plug on them because it’s getting too much to bear, perhaps. 

****

Jaehyun _knows_ he’s not getting any easier to deal with, and that the further they get into the season the worse he gets. Doyoung’s just waiting it out at this point, like he’s watching a time bomb ticking, the numbers falling slow but steady. 

****

Except Jaehyun can’t see the numbers, he can only see Doyoung - and Doyoung is the one counting down. 

****

Doyoung looks at him from across the room, a long and heavy gaze. 

****

Jaehyun can’t move his neck too much with his injury, so he just sits there, staring back at his husband, the love of his life - the person that keeps him together even when the tracks smash his soul into smithereens.

****

Doyoung might leave him tonight. 

****

****

**FEBRUARY 2012**

****

Jaehyun has never felt more worthless in his life. 

****

Two weeks ago he sat around large office tables, looking at boring ceiling fan patterns as office workers ranted on and on about him. One of them had a full powerpoint presentation on all of Jaehyun’s achievements, and Jaehyun was sitting there as their live show model - their very first press of Jung Jaehyun, soon to be Formula 1 racer. 

****

The men had all signed, Jaehyun coming in last to do so. 

****

His squiggly _Jung Jaehyun_ an eyesore among all the official well-rehearsed signatures on dotted lines. He hadn’t signed many things in his life, so whenever a signature was necessary he would make up an ugly scribble of his own name and chalk it out confidently. 

****

He could still count the days since his eighteenth birthday on one hand, remembering fondly the house party Johnny had thrown him in his campus apartment. 

****

It had been exactly three days since his eighteenth birthday party, and there he was, signing contracts as if he knew what he was doing. 

****

Two weeks later and he’s no more enlightened.

****

“So we’re just gonna get some fits on you today,” says the stylist. 

****

He’s done fits before, like trying on a helmet size, noting down if he wants a small or medium club jacket but it’s nothing compared to what he has to go through now. 

****

The stylist has his own office, his own little podium and a whole rack full of outfits Jaehyun’s about to be a model for. Suddenly the three hours they had blocked in his schedule for this were making sense.

****

“You can’t just give me the stuff? I’ll try it on in the bathroom,” he tries. 

****

The stylist laughs breathily. 

****

“You’re cute, now stand up,” he commands, brushing something off Jaehyun’s shoulder. 

****

Donghyuck, as the stylist introduces himself later, goes over all the possible things Jaehyun needs to wear. From his actual suit to the cap with sponsor logos to the press conference dress-shirt, everything is written down, noted and recorded. Jaehyun only feels a little bit exposed when Donghyuck makes him strip down to his underwear and uses his tiny hands to get exact measurements, rubbing the Nomex into his skin so hard Jaehyun’s sure it’ll leave rugburn. 

****

“Have you ever cleaned your ears?” Donghyuck asks, using a napkin with alcohol to sweep the shell of Jaehyun’s ear. 

****

Jaehyun pinks in shame, shaking his head. He does use small cotton buds to scoop out his ears, but never thought his earshell needed disinfecting. Not until he has someone doing it for him. 

****

“Do me a favour and start,” Donghyuck simply concludes, putting on the first of many trial and error ear-pieces. 

****

There’s about fifty different earphones that Jaehyun gets to try, most of them hurting his ears when he tries them on. Donghyuck calls him a baby but switches to a softer option, fitting Jaehyun’s shell better. 

****

Just when he thinks he’s done, Donghyuck mentions they have to try it on with the helmet and he rolls out a table with about 20 of them, trying to fit one on Jaehyun’s “abnormally shaped head”. 

****

The more he goes through the notions of it, the less he thinks he can do this. He’s won races and he’s been through the system, but this is much _bigger_. 

****

There’s stylists and technicians and coaches and team leaders and doctors and a whole group of people, dedicated to nothing but Jaehyun - and Jaehyun is just Jaehyun. He’s just a kid who happens to be exceptionally good at driving but he hasn’t been in an actual car since he signed that contract.

****

Admittedly most of the team primarily works for Ten, his team’s best bet this season but the people all moving around him, catering to his needs, still make him feel like maybe this isn’t the right place for him. 

****

These people work full time for him and Ten and he feels he has nothing to offer in return. 

****

Meeting Ten is one of the most overwhelming experiences of his first week. Ten is a legend in the racing world, he’s loud and bold and makes his presence known wherever he goes.

****

When he _does_ meet Ten for the first time, Jaehyun is just finished at the gym, wiping the sweat from his forehead with a logo printed towel. 

****

“Jaehyun!” Ten greets, smiling at him like it’s not a total stranger. “It’s so good to finally meet you.” 

****

He’s so enthralled by Ten, who is holding out an iced coffee drink for Jaehyun, looking like this is something he does everyday, that he almost forgets he used to have posters of him in his bedroom. 

****

“I don’t think I’m allowed to have those,” Jaehyun says apprehensively and Ten just laughs, shoving the drink into his hand.

****

“I won’t tell,” he says, putting a finger to his lips. 

****

Jaehyun is a little gross and sweaty, just through with his two hour work-out routine, but he sits with Ten throughout his own workout schedule. 

****

He secretly admires the muscles of Ten’s back, the way he goes through his workout with a certain precision that Jaehyun can only dream of right now. Ten makes small talk in between reps, asks him how he’s adjusting for now and if he’s looking forward to tomorrow. 

****

“Tomorrow?” Jaehyun asks. The iced coffee is delicious, if Jaehyun can overcome the calorie count it carries, and he sips on it eagerly 

****

“Training,” Ten informs. “Can’t wait to beat the shit out of you out there.” Ten taints, putting down the dumbbells. 

****

“Right,” Jaehyun tries to laugh it off. He knows very well there's the team training tomorrow, but he hadn’t anticipated Ten to show up. “Can’t wait.” 

****

He says it with such a painful lack of enthusiasm that it makes Ten snort.

****

“Don’t worry too much,” Ten tries to assure. “My first year was awful as well, but you’ve got to start someplace.” 

****

Someplace, Jaehyun _knows_ he has to start.

****

He also knows that in his starting position it’s completely fine to be nervous, but it’s unlike him. Jaehyun is a planner, a perfectionist - he always has everything sorted and he doesn’t do things unless he knows he’ll excel at them. 

****

It’s why racing went from a hobby to a career, because racing is nothing but planning. 

****

Every turn has to be calculated, the forces, the gear - it’s a constant formula. Numbers do not lie and they don’t hold any surprises, every risk he allows himself to take is a calculated one - yet starting his first real Formula 1 training, that’s a leap of faith. 

****

It’s easy for Ten to say that he shouldn’t worry much. With years of experience up his sleeve, it’s probably easy to bend the rules and treat every race like it’s just another one. Jaehyun doesn’t quite have that luxury yet, which is why he declines Ten’s offer to get dinner together, and instead spends all evening worrying about tomorrow, until he falls asleep.

****

When Jaehyun shows up to the tracks that next day in his newly sown tracksuit, Ten’s occupied with the mechanic that’s currently working on his car. Jaehyun feels a little lost as the team leader informs him of weather conditions and a plethora of details that go right through Jaehyun’s head like it’s a colander. 

****

Ten doesn’t look worried, not even as the mechanic helps zip him up, eases him into the helmet and helps him get his neck piece on. Jaehyun looks at his own car, his helmet sat atop of it - a pathetic sight. 

****

His mind goes blank when he tries to think of the next step. 

****

“Um,” a small voice suddenly pipes up, drawing Jaehyun’s attention. 

****

It’s another kid in a tracksuit. 

****

Jaehyun’s been introduced to more than fifty new faces over the span of two weeks but he’s certain he’s never seen this one before. The boy is young, so in all likeliness nothing but an overeager fan. 

****

“Do you want my autograph?” Jaehyun stammers out. 

****

Technically fans aren’t allowed on the training - let alone on the tracks, in actual tracksuits - but if they went through all the trouble of outsmarting security, Jaehyun doesn’t mind making their day. 

****

“What?” The guy squeaks out. “Dude, no, I wanted to help you with your neck and head support.” 

****

Jaehyun blinks. 

****

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Jaehyun apologises, blushing like a maniac. “Yeah, please.” 

****

He knows damn well how to put on the neck brace, he’s done it countless times before, but it’s entirely different when he has staff doing it for him, he has mechanic _Mark Lee_ to help him now. 

****

With his helmet on, he finally gets into the car, he feels a little less nervous. The car seat is familiar territory, his body easily melting into it. 

****

Ten sticks up his gloved hand, forming a thumbs up. 

****

Jaehyun copies the gesture and mechanic Mark Lee carries the green flag up to the front of the track. The race engineer counts down in his ear, leaving the last three seconds up to interpretation and before Jaehyun knows it, he’s _off_. 

****

Starts always happen so fast. 

****

He recalls his mother telling him there’s nothing more stressful for her than the moments before a start, where the lights slowly count down towards zero. 

****

For his mother, it might feel like hours, but for Jaehyun the start is always over before he knows it, heart in his throat and full alert as his car skirts over the first meters. It’s like finally coming up for air from underwater as he bottoms out the throttle. 

****

It’s just practice. Jaehyun is just testing the waters with his new gear and one competitor but the moment he drives behind Ten there’s that itch he can’t help but scratch and it whirrs to life every fibre of competitiveness in him. 

****

It becomes a chase, one he knows can in no way win. He knows that realistically there’s no way he’s overtaking a racing legend on his first F1 training, but he pushes into the slipstream anyways on a few occasions, tipping off with a late break every now and then. 

****

He ends up doing nothing more than forcing Ten to drive him off the circuit, but Ten seems amused and engages him in playful spurts. 

****

The training is just that, a training, but Jaehyun treats it like any other opportunity to show off. 

****

After a solid thirty laps mechanic Mark Lee stands home by the finish line and waves the checkered flag. Ten is corners ahead of him, and Jaehyun leisurely drives his last round, doing his best to anticipate turns and listens to the race engineer counting them out loud to him. 

****

He feels thoroughly wrecked when they stop the cars next round, Mark ducking down to unlock him and let him out. 

****

“Not bad for a rookie,” Ten says, patting Jaehyun’s shoulder appreciatively, like old friends coming together. 

****

Jaehyun feels strangely welcomed, like it’s not his first time racing with this team. 

****

They head into the pit, the team leader sitting Jaehyun down with a chart of his performance. He’s a little starstruck by the official papers, his name printed in them together with his number - 27, this is all _his_. 

****

His performance may be lacklustre and his race engineer is nowhere near satisfied with the corners he took, but Jaehyun doesn’t register much of it - still a little out of breath and dazed by the last thirty minutes. 

****

They get back in the cars, Jaehyun driving ahead of Ten this time. It lasts for all of three laps before Jaehyun’s out of power and he leaves Ten an easy late apex, easily topping what little distance Jaehyun had tried to bring between them. He chases Ten for another thirty laps, sore all over his body the moment they finally stop after the last lap. 

****

Mark’s assistance is required to get him out of the car this time. 

****

Besides the physical strain, Jaehyun’s heart beats a million miles an hour with the thrill of his first _official_ team practice with his new team. He’s no longer a free driver, a grunt that has to beg to get noticed by the higher ups - he’s someone now and he has the logo on his racing suit to prove it. 

****

“Good job!” Ten cheers, putting an arm around his shoulder as they head back inside. “Some rough corners, but you were really sharp.”

****

“It took you three laps to catch up with me,” Jaehyun deadpans. 

****

It’s more an accusation to himself, not to Ten. 

****

“Three laps is more than some can last,” Ten says with a wink. 

****

Ten’s mechanic, who is not Mark Lee, cusses something under his breath before sitting him down with his new performance results. Jaehyun scans over his own briefly, let’s the team leader point out his rights and wrongs with angry scribbles, but Jaehyun’s still too high on the sensation of having officially trained for the first time with his team. The crew decides to call it a day and throw Jaehyun a celebratory welcome dinner at a nearby restaurant. 

****

Jaehyun sits next to Ten and mechanic Mark Lee and looks surprised when stylist Donghyuck saunters into the dinner moments later, dropping down in the empty seat next to Mark.

****

“Hi!” Donghyuck greets cheerfully, throwing his arms around Mark, waving at the rest of the table. “Doesn’t he look dashing?”

****

Donghyuck gestures at the clothes Jaehyun is wearing. It’s the crew jacket, with Jaehyun’s name embroidered on it (amongst a bazillion of sponsorship logos), and Jaehyun flushes a little under the sudden attention. 

****

Donghyuck is the life of the party, quickly drawing Ten in and making loud conversation about their team members, sharing enough gossip to last them through the night. Jaehyun learns a whole lot that night, but prefers to stay back and listen in, still in disbelief that the coming year will be spent right with these people - his team.

****

A team that, as surreal as it feels, now consists of a stylist, a professional trainer, and other benefits Jaehyun could’ve never imagined having, showing up as a rookie.

****

As much as he’s clueless and terrified, he thinks signing that contract is a wise decision after all.

****

****

**MARCH 2012**

****

Time goes by fast with his new routines. It’s easy to stick to them, as the people around him act a well rehearsed play to accommodate him. 

****

Jaehyun still feels like an inconvenience whenever he needs to ask the staff members for anything, but it’s becoming less of a chore, especially as he starts needing them more and more.

****

The day of the flight out to his first race he’s nervous, but it’s a good kind of nervousness he tells Ten as they’re sitting by the gate. Their plane leaves in less than an hour and most of the crew is shopping or catching up on lost sleep, leaving Ten and Jaehyun sitting by the gate under supervision of a manager. 

****

“Good nervous?” Ten asks. 

****

He’s calm under all of this, had napped in the car to the airport and brought a luxurious soft neck pillow for the plane ride. 

****

He tries to use Ten’s composure to his advantage. To Ten this is business as usual, something he does every other week if necessary. Flying out to foreign locations to squeeze himself into his tracksuit and try not to get a mouthful of asphalt. 

****

That’s how Johnny had described Jaehyun’s hobby once at a party, maybe just a couple weeks ago but it seemed so far away, the contrast so stark to where Jaehyun is now. 

****

“Good nervous,” Jaehyun confirms. 

****

He tries to sleep for most of the flight, trying being the keyword. It’s a rowdy flight, even as he puts in his earphones and closes his eyes, a short nap is all he can squeeze in before they touchdown in Melbourne.

****

Jaehyun’s never been to Australia before but the moment he gets off the plane he feels a pleasant summer heat seep into his bones. It lifts his mood immensely, making happily carry his bag off the plane, going through immigrations before he’s shuffled into a taxi that takes them to the hotel. 

****

It’s late at night when they settle into their hotel rooms, but the jet lag doesn’t do Jaehyun much good. He spends most of the evening with Ten in the hotel bar. 

****

It’s not Ten’s first time in Melbourne, so he’s familiar with the circuit, with the best restaurants around town and he promises he’ll take Jaehyun to tomorrow, if they have time after the practice sessions.

****

The practice sessions are nothing new, Jaehyun’s been to a few of them as a free driver. Ten doesn’t attend the morning practice round but as a newcomer Jaehyun feels obliged to be there.

****

There’s some familiar faces, bigger players from bigger teams - but they know who Jaeyhun is now and they greet him politely. He’s no longer a free driver trying to get their spotlight, he’s a part of it now. 

****

Suddenly the tracksuit uniform feels a little heavier, which leaves him no choice but to give his all for practice session one.

****

For practice round two Ten does show up, along with Mark and his own mechanic (whose name Jaehyun keeps forgetting) in tow. He talks to Mark about the car, tweaking some mechanics to streamline his next practice session, hyping himself up to drive the next laps.

****

The next 90 minutes are particularly exhausting. 

****

Albert Park is a 5 kilometer lap with interesting turns up ahead, allowing him to tease some of the rookie drivers by cutting off their corners. There’s a different thrill to the chase but also a pressing responsibility - he no longer feels like a rookie. 

****

Ten’s offer of dinner still stands at the end of the second practice session but Jaehyun’s exhausted and he still has so much he wants to go over in the privacy of his hotel room. 

****

It’s been a long day, and he’s tired from all the impressions today, the new faces and familiar faces he’s seen from races on TV. He politely declines the invitation, saying he’ll take Ten up on the offer some other time.

****

When he returns to the hotel room he lets the bathtub fill with water. He almost falls asleep, barely keeping himself upright as he finally relaxes. 

****

The hot bath gently kneads his sore muscles, winding him down from the high from the drive. Still when he gets in his bed, he's unable to let it go, his head still in the race. He thinks of the track, the corners and tries to work them out in his head, corroborating it with the pointers given by his team that he must not forget tomorrow. 

****

It distracts him enough to finally put him to sleep.

****

∆

****

Saturday afternoon is Jaehyun’s first qualification lap. 

****

He’s watched them, studied them, practised them - he’s looked forward to this his entire life and still it’s hard to believe it’s happening today. 

****

Everything is new yet Jaehyun has no problem focusing. 

****

After the final practice session in Melbourne, which goes better than the two yesterday, Jaehyun doesn’t feel nervous - he feels ready. 

****

Where he should be feeling nervous, a little anxious maybe - the only thing he really feels is excitement, anticipation. The hours can’t go by fast enough, the quick catch-ups with the engineers, the adjustments the mechanics inform him of all feel like they take too long. 

****

He stays back in the pit, filling his head with all the information they offer him, trying to take note of every detail. 

****

It’s overwhelming but it makes time pass faster and before he knows it, he’s standing out in the pit next to his car, letting Mark help fasten the head and neck support, and zip up his suit. 

****

“You ready?” Mark asks. 

****

Jaehyun nods at him the best he can where his helmet is already attached. When he’s seated and strapped in, Mark makes a final thumbs up at him before he turns and walks away.

****

Jaehyun relaxes into the seat, tries to psych himself up that this is it. This is what he’s trained for all these years, _now_ is the time to show off. 

****

Whereas others might be nervous or feel pressured, Jaehyun is _not_ others, he’s here to be better than them, he tells himself. 

****

His first qualification round is, contrary to popular beliefs, not a disaster. 

****

He drives out the first 18 minutes of his professional racing career and finishes P14. 

****

It’s not great, it’s one spot shy from being a definite backmarker, but his team is impressed nonetheless, welcoming him back into the pit with cheers. One of the engineers sits him down with a squeaky clean telemetry that he has no remarks about, only encouraging him to try harder next round.

****

For Q2 he’s not quite as fortunate. With some give and take he manages to overtake number 13, but it stays there - the fifteen minutes aren’t enough to make it into the top 10, which seals the deal. 

****

He’s making his formula one debut from P13, unlucky as that may be. 

****

Things could be worse and his team doesn’t seem surprised. They’re impressed rather than disappointed, but Jaehyun doesn’t spare that much thought. 

****

He watches Q3 on the pitwall, rooting for Ten with the rest of the team. Ten scores a fifth place, which is good enough for him. 

****

He takes him up on the invitation for dinner, sitting in the hotel restaurant until the late hours of the evening. Ten is interesting, loud and mouthy when he wants to be - but Jaehyun soon finds that is nothing but a front he carries. 

****

Once he starts talking, Jaehyun notices he gets softer, skirting around certain subjects easily. Jaehyun isn’t much better, not talkative at all, so he listens to Ten.

****

Ten has so much to say, it feels much like a lecture about professional racing. He tells him about his first race, how he didn’t even finish - making it only twenty-one laps before engine failure had him driving off the tracks. 

****

Jaehyun interprets this in the only way he can, he only has to drive twenty-two laps to outperform Ten. 

****

Ten talks about more than just racing, sharing personal anecdotes every now and then. He’s got six years on Jaehyun, and six years of experience Jaehyun doesn’t have. 

****

Jaehyun might be stubborn, but he’s not stupid - he knows when to take advice from someone more experienced than him. 

****

Ten tells him that the worst is the publicity, the sponsorships. Ten can’t set one foot wrong without someone reprimanding him for it and Jaehyun says he understands even if it’s still foreign to him.

****

“You did well today,” Ten says when they walk through the hotel corridor, on their way back to their own rooms. “Your Q2 start was a shame, you could’ve made it to Q1 if it weren’t for that.” 

****

Jaehyun chews on his bottom lip. 

****

Jaehyun _knows_ this, has told himself that making Q2 isn’t _bad_ for a rookie, but _not bad_ is not enough in Jaehyun terms, and he’d already over analysed why his start for Q2 had been so bad. 

****

“Yeah,” Jaehyun confirms softly. 

****

“You’ll do better tomorrow,” Ten promises, patting him on the shoulder encouragingly. 

****

∆

****

Jaehyun’s Grand Prix debut is, accommodating popular beliefs, a disaster. 

****

He calls his mother beforehand, in his tracksuit, waiting in the pit. It will be the first time his race is actually broadcasted on a non paywall TV channel and this is something he can _actually_ explain to her. 

****

His mum had called half the family telling them to tune in, to see her son ride those very first official Formula 1 Grand Prix meters. 

****

She sounds proud and fond. Jaehyun wonders if it’s really admiration, or if it’s the second mortgage they had to take out on the house to pay for Jaehyun’s license to be here. 

****

His start isn’t bad. 

****

It’s better than Q2 and he manages to squeeze himself past number 12, putting a stellar +1 on the charts. 

****

The first pit stop is the most terrifying experience of it all, because the pit crew is a variable he cannot account for. In his calculations they aren’t predictable, but it’s a variable he cannot omit either, so it requires a little faith in someone else - _terrifying_. 

****

2.3 seconds is by no means bad, it’s faster than any of Jaehyun’s previous pit stops. 

****

Driving back out to the track to reclaim a P13 isn’t very spectacular either, but the race engineer calls it a good re-entry and then goes on about the turning wind conditions. 

****

The turning wind conditions are the least of his problems when an accident occurs a couple cars in front of him. He asks over the radio who it is, even if it really doesn’t make much of a difference, and the race engineer tells him that it’s not Ten and that the safety car is in sector 3. 

****

Debris remains on the track from the crash in large unavoidable piles, Jaehyun curses to himself as he tries and fails to avoid it. He hopes he spares as much of his tires as possible, but they’re already drained by the sudden decrease in speed, the heat dissipating from the rubber at an alarming pace. 

****

It’s a stupid mistakes that retires him. 

****

The combination of the debris damage to his tires, the dropping temperatures and a small mishap at a turn drive him off the asphalt and right into the barrier. 

****

It’s a hard crash, shaking him up badly. 

****

He’s disoriented for only a second, right back to focus to realise he’s parked his front wing in the middle of a red and white chunk of plastic. 

****

“Fuck!” He curses out loud, slamming his hands on the wheel in defeat. 

****

The microphone button slips under his hands, but he doesn’t care if his race engineer hears him cursing, slamming his head back in frustration. 

****

“You okay?” The race engineer calls over the radio. 

****

Jaehyun swallows bitterly.

****

“Fine,” he bites out. “Sorry.” 

****

The race engineer says nothing. 

****

“I’m sorry, so sorry,” He repeats again and again, hoping all of his team can somehow hear it - even if communication during the race is reserved to his race engineer alone. 

****

He knows the effort and energy everyone puts in to get his car geared up and ready for a race, seeing it all literally fall apart as Jaehyun rams the car - it’s painful, not just for his neck and wrists, which take most of the hit. 

****

The safety crew is at his side to pull him out of the car thirty seconds later and he goes willingly, no matter how ashamed he is. They do a quick check up, ask him to point his fingers at his nose and feel his spine, before helping him out of the helmet and brace. 

****

On the walk of shame back to the pit, he keeps his head down, but grins a little when he thinks back to the conversation from last night. He only needed to last 22 laps, but outperformed Ten by a whole 15 laps, signing off with 36 laps. 

****

His crew greets him a little dejectedly, but there’s not much room for disappointment when Ten is chasing for a podium spot, and Jaehyun finds himself invested in it right away. 

****

Mark asks him if he’s okay, and moments later the team doctor examines his head and neck only to declare him fit - there’s absolutely nothing wrong with him except for his bad luck. 

****

The car is brought into the pit a couple of minutes later, and Jaehyun looks at it with sad eyes. He’s ruined the entire front wing and two tires at that. 

****

“Look what you did to her.” Mark says, carefully examining the parts that didn’t come attached in one piece anymore. Jaehyun’s about to apologise. “Don’t let it get to you, Ten’s done much worse.” 

****

Jaehyun’s seen some of Ten’s crashes on TV, he knows it can be much worse and yet going out with a rookie mistake of cold tires is not how he wanted to end his first race. 

****

Beggars can’t be choosers, he thinks. 

****

Ten comes in third and returns to the pit hosed down in champagne, and Jaehyun celebrates with him. 

****

****

**APRIL 2012**

****

Progress is slow but at least he’s not standing still. 

****

He finishes both Kuala Lumpur and Shanghai, a thirteenth and twelveth spot respectively.

****

The race in Bahrain feels different. It’s foreign to Jaehyun which means he’s only there to race. He’s focused like never before, acing through the first qualification round and the second one. No one’s surprised to see him settle a seventh position in Q1, except for Jaehyun himself who marvels at the starting position all evening. 

****

Ten makes fun of him over dinner, simply because he won’t shut up about it, but Jaehyun doesn’t care. 

****

They have dinner at a high-end western restaurant and Jaehyun feels a little homesick as he looks around. Different people, vastly different standards - it makes him a little anxious, but again all the more focused. 

****

It feels less like a trip and more like work. 

****

Jaehyun starts seventh in Bahrain and he finishes seventh. 

****

It’s a new record - defending his starting position but also ending in the top 10. He feels nothing short of euphoria when he climbs out of his vehicle after the race, sprinting over to the rest of his team. 

****

Ten has snatched a fourth place, missing the podium by one spot - but he’s no less happy for him, embracing him in a tight hug.

****

For the first time Jaehyun feels something that isn’t competitive driven fuel. 

****

He feels it as Ten hugs him, a warmth spreading throughout his body, it’s not just victory - but _daring_ , fearless. Most of all, as they walk back to the pit and greet the rest of the team, he feels the glances they give him, the appreciation, adoration - the way they cheer _for_ him and not with him. 

****

It’s a dangerous high, but Jaehyun loves it. 

****

****

**JULY 2012**

****

From Bahrain it’s not a steady uphill climb. Progress is though and it’s not given. 

****

Top 10 becomes more of a habit but it’s not guaranteed, and in the bitterest moments he realises that he’ll always have to fight for that, no matter how good he gets.

****

He becomes more familiar with the car, knows it’s limits and comes face to face with his own. Pushes them, makes sure to cross them every now and then. One of his overtakes ends up in an investigation, race control breathing down his neck over the radio - but there’s no punishment, and he finishes ninth in Silverstone, all in one piece. 

****

In Hungary he has a spectacularly awful qualification lap, bailing after the very first quell. He starts sixteenth, bitter and eager to prove that he can do better. 

****

Jung Jaehyun does not disappoint, so he does better. 

****

It’s a messy race with lots of safety cars and race control announcements, a couple cars retiring before they can do half of the 50 laps. 

****

In the gaps Jaehyun does his very best to drive up as much as he can, some smooth take-overs in his pocket until another safety car breaches the track and he stays P7. 

****

The radio goes eerily quiet as he drives up ahead, telling him nothing but the standard safety car message. His race engineer tells him absolutely nothing, so he’s more than a little shocked when he drives past the remains of Ten’s car. 

****

Ten is standing next to the wreckage, fine and dandy, but Jaehyun’s so distracted by it he nearly drives himself off the track. He’d kept the crashes to one and one alone, his very first race - but Ten had a total of zero collisions this season. 

****

As a veteran racer, Ten doesn’t crash - he doesn’t make mistakes and it’s unsettling to watch. 

****

Naturally with Ten’s crash, Jaehyun jumps up another position - which means that he’s now tenth instead of eleventh, and a top 10 spot is no longer out of sight. 

****

He asks for one convenient pit stop, and with fresh hot tires he returns to his 10th position - he’s eager to secure a top 10 finish. 

****

It was a risky stop, with only twelve laps left to go, but he’s got an advantage on all the other drivers now, tires worn down and cold from all the safety car laps. 

****

The first two are easy to overtake and the race engineer barks in his ear about exact break moments, how much time he loses and which sector is most efficient - it’s all that much more hectic now that the attention of his team is focused on him. 

****

With concentration, guidance and a little bit of luck, he manages to pull off another two overtakes - he’s sixth, his best position _ever_ and the race engineer sounds more proud of him than ever. 

****

He’s got two laps left to go, and arguably perhaps a little too much gut to really be doing this, but he asks anyway. 

****

“Can I get him?” he says, still a little in disbelief. 

****

The next driver isn’t far up ahead, but Jaehyun has a total of two corners left to try a take-over and there’s no margin for error.

****

“You can try,” the race engineer replies, sounding hopeful. 

****

So Jaehyun tries. 

****

The first corner is not a success, but he manages to catch up his time in the next chicane, peering right through the slipstream and undercutting him in the second corner. 

****

Fifth.

****

Before he can register much else he’s driving over the finish line, landing him a P5 place and his team 10 points, plus an additional 1 point for the fastest lap that he just finished with. 

****

Jaehyun is ecstatic. 

****

Ten is already in the pit, sprinting to meet him and pulling him in for a warm victory hug. 

****

For every position he climbs his heart gets a little heavier, a little more hopeful - a little closer to what he’s here for. With a fifth finish he’s so close he can almost taste it, that sweet victory champagne Ten’s always covered in.

****

****

**NOVEMBER 2012**

****

Fifth is not bad. It’s good, _great_ for someone’s debut year, but fifth is not the podium and that’s where Jaehyun wants to be. 

****

His team is happy with fifth. They’re more than happy, an eleven point race already more than they had expected from him this year. His team is not alone, mechanics and other teams’ crewmates start greeting him in passing, and start inviting him to the post race celebrations. 

****

His name goes around, rolling off the officials’ tongue like he’s a swiss chocolate they can’t wait to try. 

****

He can’t deny how much he loves it, aching to be desired, to _know_ he’s doing well. But fifth, as good as it is for a rookie - is not enough. 

****

Jaehyun is antsy, he’s stubborn and he will do anything to get what he wants. He can tell the older drivers see him as that kid who hasn’t learned his lesson yet, but Jaehyun knows his capabilities, knows he’s more than just bark. 

****

When he sets himself a goal, he’s going to bite through until he’s there.

****

His races get more reckless and he teases the other drivers as much as he can, hears them curse over the intercom and scowl at him after races, but he climbs the rank. 

****

Top 10 is given towards the end of the season and Jaehyun feels it’s only a matter of time and luck before he’s standing there on that podium, spraying down the fellow victors in champagne. 

****

Abu Dhabi isn’t quite it. 

****

He gets really close, but finishes sixth. It’s points, not the points he’d hoped for but points nonetheless and Ten beams at him when he returns from the podium ceremony, hosed down in champagne once again. 

****

He’s sticky but Jaehyun hugs him anyway. 

****

Throughout the year, Ten is the only person he’s really come to confide in, the only one who’s in the same seat and understands what Jaehyun is going through. Ten is the only one that doesn’t tip-toe around Jaehyun. 

****

Unlike the rest of his team Ten doesn’t treat him like he’s made of glass. 

****

“You did well,” Jaehyun assures him, hugging him close a little too long. 

****

Jaehyun’s heart races, a little more exhilarating than he felt climbing out of his car. These post race moments become fond memories, Ten the only one he can share the high with. 

****

Ten takes him out to dinner that night, some fancy rooftop restaurant that Jaehyun still doesn’t believe he can afford. 

****

The waiter points out that he’s a little bit underdressed and Ten laughs at him before straightening out the collar of his shirt and asking the chaperone once more, batting his eyelashes. 

****

They’re seated in the very back behind an opaque aquarium wall, creating a hint of privacy. 

****

Jaehyun’s gotten used to the stares but it’s a nice change to feel invisible for a while. Ten orders for them, Jaehyun unfamiliar with the cuisine and trusting Ten to make decisions for him for once. 

****

“You did really good,” Ten brings up again, and Jaehyun flushes a little. Here in private it feels too much like a compliment and not just a teammate’s reassurance. 

****

“Thanks,” he murmurs, hiding behind the wine glass the waiter just poured them. “You did, too.”

****

Ten hums softly. 

****

“You’re going to outrun me soon,” he says. 

****

Jaehyun is glad Ten is so casual about it, knows these things aren’t given. He says nothing, but shoots him a knowing look. 

****

Ten has ordered a strange crabfish dish Jaehyun never thought he’d like but he enjoys it very much. The wine they’re drinking is an excellent supplement. They sit for hours, until the fourth bottle of wine is empty and they’re pleasantly tipsy. Ten asks the waiter to call a taxi for them and they’re politely escorted through the backdoor out to the car. 

****

For their anonymity, Ten leans over Jaehyun’s lap to pull the partition up once he’s told the driver the address of the hotel. Jaehyun feels his heart in his throat, Ten sitting a little too close for comfort, the back of the car dark save for the occasional flash of light coming in through the partition. 

****

There’s a hand on his thigh and Jaehyun is painfully aware of it - how the air feels thick between them, the background noise from the radio and how every blinding light flash into the car gives him an estimate of just how close Ten really is. He picks up the scent of Ten’s cologne and feels Ten’s small hands curling into the fabric of his jeans. 

****

It’s gone before he knows it when the taxi drives into the parking garage of the hotel and lets the two out privately. 

****

They make their way upstairs and Jaehyun still feels the tension from the car, the anticipation that there’s something more as he watches the sliver of skin peeking up from under the collar of Ten’s jacket. 

****

Ten’s hotel room comes first, a few doors down from Jaehyun’s. 

****

“Goodnight,” Ten offers, a soft and polite smile on his face that Jaehyun rarely sees. 

****

It’s so sincere, Jaehyun _aches_ for something more, but there’s nothing to take as Ten disappears inside and closes the door behind him. 

****

∆

****

Austin is hot.

****

The air is hot and the tracks are hotter, the tracksuit heavy and sweaty on his skin as they pose for press photos after the qualification rounds. Jaehyun stands there, next to some of the biggest names in the industry. 

****

Jaehyun feels like a child on christmas showing off their gift to the family. 

****

He’s starting fourth today, a spot he just claimed victory for at the end of Q1. Ten stands behind him, has trailed three spots behind him and is opening seventh. 

****

It’s the first time he starts before Ten, and coincidentally also the first time he stands in front of Ten for press photos. Ten’s hand is on his shoulder. 

****

It’s there but it’s not distracting. 

****

Jaehyun starts fourth which logically means he only has to overtake _one_ driver to land himself on that podium. 

****

It feels unattainable, the three names ahead of him are big names in the industry, veterans in the sport - but they look at Jaehyun’s starting position somewhat impressed, and Jaehyun thinks he, with his eighteen years, has something to be proud of. 

****

The tension before the race is tenfold now that he knows he’s starting fourth. 

****

Starting fourth means that start is that much more important. He just needs a little bit of a speed advantage and a lot of luck, and he could settle himself third in mere meters. 

****

He’s nervous - rightfully so, his whole team working around him with a new kind of tension. 

****

This time it matters, more than last time - he has more to lose than last time.

****

The time before the race feels short as he’s being ushered around from interview, to debrief, to the next interview, and before he knows it it’s time for the formation lap. 

****

Having only three cars ahead of him bids a vastly different sight, more of a view - he’s not looking at the back of all the backtrackers, they’re looking at _him_ , and it instills that little bit of confidence he needs to pull this off.

****

His start is phenomenal. 

****

The race engineer won’t shut up about it, not until Jaehyun’s halfway through his first lap and he needs them to talk about the upcoming turns. It’s hot, the asphalt even hotter but with hard tires he has no doubts he can push the very limits of himself and his car. 

****

It’s not easy. 

****

After the pit stop, he drives three spots behind, the top six a cluster of cars with some backtrackers between, lagging more than a lap behind. 

****

There are a lot of overtakes, some smoother than others, and a safety car joins them for the thirtieth lap because someone in the back rode their medium tires down to a pulp.

****

Jaehyun’s sixth when his race engineer announces there are only ten laps left, and that there’s no more time for another pitstop and no more room for error. Jaehyun doesn’t make errors, but his car can - the derates inconvenient at best, cutting him off abruptly every other corner. 

****

Sixth is not something he can be satisfied with, and it’s just a matter of endurance now, many of the drivers ahead of him on older tires than him. 

****

The smothering heat of the asphalt is a stab in the back of medium tires, and he easily overtakes the driver in front of him, cutting a corner just a little bit sharper. 

****

Fifth is good but it’s not new. 

****

He knows that, so he chases up the driver ahead, not far away now that he has free reign in front of him. The high from his previous overtake, not all that spectacular but still a surge of confidence - he can do this, he _will_ do this. 

****

It’s just focus and determination. 

****

He’s just spent his entire life working for this.

****

Jung Jaehyun becomes the youngest driver to ever secure himself a spot on the podium. 

****

Jung Jaehyun, eighteen years and 10 months - the youngest third place winner ever. 

****

He sees his teammates, his stylist - Mark is cheering for him, but from the corner of his eye he also sees someone else. 

****

A different team, different logos - different colours. Men in suits looking at him like he’s a rarity while trying to be subtle. It’s a small speck in his line of sight, but it’s enough to tell him that this is just the beginning. 

****

Next year, he’ll be the youngest driver to win a Grand Prix. 

****

∆

****

They throw him an after party for the race. Even if Jaehyun is legally not allowed to drink here, they rent out the whole floor of the hotel bar and Jaehyun finds himself in between his teammates, press officials and a bunch of other people that are all suddenly invested in his life. 

****

Ten keeps an eye on him, orders the drinks for him (legally he cannot order any) and pulls him away from pushy reporters or others that security lets slip. 

****

Everyone wants to talk to him, take pictures with him, buy him drinks, take him out for a smoke - Jaehyun declines almost every offer, content to watch the party from the sidelines, which is becoming increasingly difficult with how guests are vying for his attention.

****

There’s a girl there, young and scarcely clad. 

****

She’s clearly not here to talk about racing or mingle for contracts, she’s here on other business. Ten recognises her, glares at her, and tells Jaehyun to stay away from her.

****

Still when he goes to the bathroom somewhere throughout the night, she follows. She stands outside the bathroom, quite literally cornering him up against the door.

****

“Hi,” she breathes, a little too close for comfort. 

****

Her perfume smells heavy and expensive, and Jaehyun feels a cold shiver go down his spine. 

****

He’s not sure what to say, so he says nothing and looks at his feet in shame. He’s never been good at spontaneous flirting, the other person in the game is a variable he can’t control - something he likes to steer away from. 

****

“Excuse me -” he tries, dodging past her, but she’s insistent to talk to him and follows him down the hallway. 

****

Ten is ultimately his saviour, turning the corner and spotting Jaehyun right away. 

****

“Hey,” he greets, waving the other girl off and taking him on his arm. They walk down the hallway and when she’s out of hearsight, Ten speaks up. “Don’t mind her.” 

****

“You know her?” Jaehyun asks, frowning. 

****

Ten laughs.

****

“She’s around a lot, she’s uh... as the kids call it these days, _a groupie_ ,” Ten explains, making vague hand gestures. 

****

Jaehyun snorts.

****

“For real?” Jaehyun asks. “What does she want? Money?”

****

“Success,” Ten says dreamily, like it’s actually something tangible you can buy. “I take it you weren't interested?” 

****

Jaehyun’s cheeks tint red. not because of the girl’s bait, but because of Ten’s implications. 

****

“I don’t…” he starts, but the words are caught up in his throat, no matter how much alcohol he’s consumed. 

****

“You don’t what?” Ten asks. 

****

They stand still in the carpeted hallway, the led spotlights blinking above them. Ten stares right at him, perhaps a little too bold - but they’re both intoxicated. 

****

“I don’t like girls,” Jaehyun says, finally. 

****

He’s always known he doesn’t like girls, has always been open about it with his friends - but never considered the _not liking girls_ to be an issue in his career. 

****

Ten barely reacts, just looks him in the eyes, a comforting look. 

****

“I know,” he says moments later. 

****

Jaehyun always felt like Ten knew him better than he let in on. It had been a topic he was too afraid to breach, but that had always simmered in the background. 

****

“Me neither,” Ten adds.

****

Jaehyun had figured as much, perhaps a silent agreement that had been hanging in the air between them. But now he knows and Ten knows about him, and it seals another level of trust. 

****

“I figured.” Jaehyun breathes, and Ten giggles - maybe because he’s drunk, or maybe because they’re confessing these things in the middle of a hotel hallway. “Does the team know?” 

****

This is what’s really been on his mind for a while now. A lot of racers have their significant other present at the races, always girlfriends - never anything else. There’s a whole seating area for the wives-and-girlfriends the dedicated WAG seats, but they’re never partners or boyfriends.

****

Ten shakes his head. 

****

“They don’t need to know.” 

****

Jaehyun thought as much. He’s not in a position where he can let his sexuality be a part of who he is. It doesn’t sell well with sponsors, doesn’t look good for the team. 

****

He’d rather be recognised for his talent than who is waiting for him when he comes home. 

****

“Mark knows,” Ten says. They’re still standing close together, speaking lowly in the hint of privacy the hallway offers. “He and Donghyuck…” 

****

Ten makes a gesture with his hand, and Jaehyun thinks his observational skills are still perfectly intact. 

****

“Don’t think too much about it, they don’t care,” Ten doesn’t sound sure. 

****

In the months he’s come to know him, Jaehyun rarely sees this. Insecure Ten, Ten who pulls on the sleeves of his shirt and looks away, gnaws on his bottom lip. 

****

It’s not a look that suits him well. 

****

“Ten?” Jaehyun asks, drawing his attention back up. Their eyes meet, and Jaehyun feels shy again. 

****

Something about Ten’s gaze is heavy, piercing. 

****

He doesn’t know what happens first because it’s so fast. His eyes fall shut or Ten leans in closer, but there he is tasting the sweet champagne off Ten’s lips. It’s soft, a gentle press but still so hot, Jaehyun’s hands curling into fists as he’s kissed. 

****

It’s short, so quick that when Ten pulls away Jaehyun is still just as shy, still as nervous, but now a little bit breathless. He wants to say something, ask something - but Ten puts a finger to his lips, before walking away. 

****


	2. 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings for this chapter: explicit sexual content, alcohol, sex under the influence of alcohol, age gap (19 - 24), mentions of weight loss,

**FEBRUARY 2013**

It’s raining hard when the taxi stops outside the hotel. 

They’re in Salzburg and the rain has been relentless ever since the plane touched down a couple hours ago.

“Weathers awful,” Mark comments as the valet holds an umbrella over him and Jaehyun. Another one comes up right behind them, carrying their bags that are also escorted under an umbrella. “Fucking hate Salzburg.” 

“You should get a different job,” Jaehyun tells him. 

Mark hums under his breath. 

Jaehyun’s sure that if he had told Mark this a couple hours ago before they boarded the flight to Austria, he might’ve just stayed back.

The attention for the car launch was tenfold this year, most of it due to Jaehyun’s achievements of the previous year. Of course, as a veteran racer in the industry Ten had his spotlight well earned and secured, but Jaehyun had felt the eyes on him at the end of last season and he felt them now. 

Mark was different, didn’t look at him because he was Jung Jaehyun. He looked at him like the guy who mistook him for a fan on the circuit one year ago. He’s happy to have Mark here, a friend somewhere Jaehyun could really use one. 

Jaehyun has a whole crew of people tending to his needs, but he only has one Mark, someone that sees him as more than a job. 

Once inside, they're handed keys by the receptionist and for the first time in weeks Jaehyun sees the inside of a hotel room again. It’s not something he’s missed, the stale impersonal environment always making him a little homesick, although he’s never quite sure what it is he’s missing. 

He spends most of the afternoon lazing in bed, going through TV channels that he can’t understand and eventually granting himself that nap he couldn’t get on the plane. 

It’s how Donghyuck finds him, loud and bashful as always as he marches into Jaehyun’s hotel room.

“Jung Jaehyun!” Donghyuck barks. “We have to be downstairs in 50 minutes and you haven’t even showered.” 

As per Donghyuck’s request, Jaehyun showers.Donghyuck has brought a suit for him, blow dries his hair and applies some moistures to his skin - not without scolding him for his poor skincare routine. They take the elevator up to the restaurant together where Donghyuck works out the last creases in his suit until they’re barely noticeable.

The room is packed full of important people in suits. A welcome champagne is shoved into his hands, which Jaehyun gratefully hands over to Donghyuck, who takes a long sip out of his own glass until he can fill it up with Jaehyun’s. 

Champagne tastes sweet - too sweet, and he hates walking around all evening with the bitter aftertaste. 

Unlike last year’s car launch, everyone wants to talk to him. 

Stakeholders want to shake hands, say their son’s a real fan or ask for an autograph on behalf of their daughter. Jaehyun happily poses for pictures, signs phone cases and makes polite small talk where necessary. 

He’s good at this, this emotionally void chatter that he uses for his own gain. Jaehyun would say he’s an expert, the way he goes around the room and catches everyone’s eye, looking back until they feel noticed. 

Everyone, until he lays eyes on Ten. 

They hadn’t said much since the after party in Austin. There was the necessary small talk, but their impromptu coffee runs had been void ever since and Jaehyun felt more than a little lonely. 

As the other driver in his team, Ten was supposed to be a friend. 

A friend - maybe there was something more, something that in no way fit into their lives. So they sat by different tables during dinner, talked to the same staff and shareholders, but barely acknowledged each other. 

An imperfect solution but a solution nonetheless. 

After Jaehyun has sucked up enough to his boss, he takes his cue to leave the after dinner party and makes his way upstairs. He saw Ten leave through the same doors just minutes earlier, but he promises himself it is entirely unrelated to his own departure. 

When he steps out into the hallway from the elevator, he realises stupidly that he doesn’t even know what floor Ten is staying on.

Even if he did, what is he going to say when he finally gets to talk to him alone? 

There’s nothing to talk about and Jaehyun takes that as a good reason to keep to himself.

Mark and Donghyuck are out on the balcony by the lobby, Mark’s jacket draped over Donghyuck’s shoulders to fight off the cold. Jaehyun only walks past them, but the way Donghyuck points at the stars in the night sky and the way Mark looks at him like he personally put them there makes him feel a little bit more homesick.

**MARCH 2013**

When they’re back in Australia Jaehyun feels nostalgic, like he’s returning to visit an old friend. 

Albert Park feels familiar to drive and is exactly what he left it like one year ago. 

He recalls his first official Grand Prix weekend perfectly fine, but the second year isn’t the same. He knows that he’s better now than the last time he was here, merely a starstruck rookie - now a professional racer. 

There’s not much time for Jaehyun to stand around starstruck while looking at other racers now. Instead, others are looking at him, his team breathing down his neck about _everything_ when the stakes are much higher than last year, now that they know he’s capable of accomplishing something. 

He’s thankful for Mark once again, he is the only mechanic that actually sits down to have lunch with him. It’s a light salad, all he’s allowed to have as lunch - but he enjoys it nonetheless, even if only for the company.

“Dude, have you talked to Ten?” Mark asks. 

Jaehyun frowns, following Mark’s gaze across the room. Ten has a similar lunchbox in his hands and for a moment he looks like he’s considering sitting down next to them. 

He’s too far away to overhear this conversation and too far for Jaehyun to decipher the look in his eyes as he turns on his heel and leaves. 

“No,” Jaehyun says. “He…” _kissed me in a hotel hallway and now he won’t look at me_. “He’s probably just stressed about the race.”

“Ten? Stressed?” Mark inquires, snorting. 

He drops it when Donghyuck joins them for lunch, sitting down next to Mark. It looks subtle, but their elbows touch when they eat. Nobody says anything as Donghyuck loads the extra cucumber he has onto Mark’s plate but after Ten had told him about these two, Jaehyun started noticing all the little details. 

“Here,” Donghyuck whips a scrunched up cap out of his back pocket, slamming it down on the table. “Since I’m apparently responsible for making sure you wear clothes, please put this on when you go out there.” 

Donghyuck is asking nicely, so Jaehyun doesn’t know how fast to put the hat on. 

“They gave me so much shit because you went out there without massive advertisements on your head,” Donghyuck whines, picking through his salad. 

Mark squeezes his wrists comfortingly. 

“Sorry,” Jaehyun apologises.

“Yeah, sorry is right,” Donghyuck hums in satisfaction. “Just pull up your own zipper when you go to the bathroom. I refuse to be responsible for that.” 

After lunch he passes Ten in the corridor on his way out for the qualification lap. It’s a little tense, the way Ten looks like he wants to say something yet there are no words exchanged until it’s time to walk out on the pitlane.

“Good luck,” Ten says before they part ways for their respective cars. 

Maybe it’s Ten’s good luck. Maybe it’s Jaehyun’s talent. Maybe it’s the crew's effort to make sure everything goes smoothly - Jaehyun qualifies 4th on the first race of his second year. 

The press wants to ask him questions and Jaehyun wears the stupid hat. Donghyuck makes a thumbs up somewhere a few rows behind the cameras, and Jaehyun smiles back.

Returning to Melbourne is familiar, Australia’s warm summer heat is soothing, but the way Ten avoids eye contact at all cost, there’s something ice cold about it. 

∆

Ten doesn’t show up to dinner that night. 

Granted, there’s not a lot of dinner to enjoy, the first few races are always a trial and error of optimal driver weight. Meals are generally restricted to being protein rich and poor in taste, there’s no harm in skipping.

What’s bad is the empty spot around the table, the lack of Ten’s loud but gentle laugh, the silence when Donghyuck says something but there’s no one to argue with him. What’s bad is that everything said around the table goes right through Jaehyun’s head, mind going blank each time he sees Ten’s vacant seat. 

He asks the staff to get him a takeaway order of whatever he’s having and excuses himself early in the evening, claiming he has some reading up to do before tomorrow. 

The dish is still steaming hot when they hand it over to him, so he goes straight to Ten’s room. He’s got Ten’s room number scribbled out on the inside of his palm, something he embarrassingly had to ask the staff for.

Ten answers the door dressed in a robe and nothing more.There’s soft music playing in his room, lights dimmed cosily. 

“Hi,” Ten says stiffly. 

Jaehyun hadn’t expected Ten’s hotel room to look so full of life, anticipated a sleepy Ten, happy to have dinner. Grateful - so grateful that he invites Jaehuyn in and they talk out what happened last year.

Instead he gets this Ten, who looks very much awake, hovering in the doorway nervously. 

“I brought dinner,” Jaehyun offers, holding out the dish to Ten. 

Ten looks at it with hesitation.

“Thanks, but uh…” he trails off, scratching his neck. “We ordered room service.” 

“We?” Jaehyun asks before his brain can stop him. He had not done a headcount at dinner, but he’s fairly certain everyone but Ten was present. 

“Ten, come back here!” A voice calls from inside Ten’s hotel room and Jaehyun’s eyes widen at the realisation that Ten is not alone. He nearly drops the dish, catching it just before it hits the ground and splatters all over the floor and his shoes. 

“I should get back,” Ten says, gesturing at whoever is inside his bedroom. 

Jaehyun thinks that yes, maybe he should go back. Maybe he shouldn’t kiss boys in hotel hallways and then put other boys in his hotel room. 

“Ten?” The voice calls again, echoing through the hotel room, slowly coming closer. 

A man in a similar white robe comes up behind Ten, recognising Jaehyun with a shameful nod. 

In Ten’s bedroom is Qian Kun, one of their engineers.

“Jaehyun,” he says dryly. 

Jaehyun swallows thickly, nodding back at him. 

“I’ll go,” Jaehyun then decides, the first thing that comes to mind to leeway him out of this situation. 

He nearly sprints down the hotel corridor to get away, stopping only when he reaches the elevator. Jaehyun tries to still his breath from the sprint he just pulled, but he’s still panting heavily when the elevator arrives. 

Of course it’s not empty, luck isn’t on Jaehyun’s side today.

The man inside steps to the side to allow him in. He’s clad in a navy blue suit, black hair styled away from his forehead. 

“Hi,” he greets as the elevator doors close. 

“Hello,” Jaehyun returns half out of breath. 

He’s never talked to this man before but it’s a familiar face. 

“Kim Doyoung, Mercedes,” he introduces himself. 

Jaehyun nods, already knowing who this is. Kim Doyoung, Mercedes aerodynamic engineer, the one that built the car that got Byun Baekhyun his first place trophy. He knows him from TV but also in passing in the pit. 

“Jung Jaehyun,” Jaehyun says, looking down at the stupid brand pin he has on his suit. “I'm-” he wants to add, thinking of Donghyuck telling him to wear _the stupid hat_ and do what the sponsors ask _._

“I know,” Kim Doyoung says, cutting him off. “I know who you are, Jaehyun.”

The elevator dings when it arrives at Kim Doyoung’s floor. They say bye in passing and the doors close, finally granting Jaehyun the privacy he wished for. 

Tears prickle his lash line when he thinks back to Ten. He sees them in the mirror, wiping them away with the sleeve of his suit before the doors open and he hurries back into his own room, sighing in relief when he makes it to bed. 

He curls up under the covers, hugging a pillow to himself like the pressure will stifle the loneliness. 

After their weekend in Austin, he didn’t know what to expect from Ten. 

At the very least he wanted an explanation, but it became evident in Brazil at the last race of the season, that Ten had no intentions to explain anything. It wasn’t an obligation, but Jaehyun, a person of actions and consequences, thought it was the least he could ask for. 

Jaehyun had been sulking over it ever since it happened. 

Ten was unpredictable and things that Jaehyun couldn’t calculate or explain tended to stay lodged in his head until he figured them out. That’s what he’d been doing at Ten’s doorstep earlier, looking for answers - looking for a way to put this to rest. 

Now he has answers. 

Ten does whatever he wants, with whoever he wants, with reckless abandon that makes Jaehyun _jealous_. 

Not jealous that Ten has another lover in his bedroom, but jealous that Ten _can_. Jealous that Ten can take this so casually. He doesn’t care about eating restrictions, doesn’t give a fuck about the stupid sponsor logo hats they’re supposed to wear. He doesn’t care about his team - he’s only doing this for himself. 

In the end, it’s about him and what he wants, the whole team including Jaehyun be damned. 

In the end, Ten is the one that wins the race. 

Not Jaehyun. 

Not their crew. 

Jaehyun wishes he could be angry but he can’t fault Ten for his coping mechanisms. Ten’s been doing this much longer than Jaehyun, he’s bound to know more than him - perhaps even better.

∆

Jaehyun wakes up early the next morning. 

It’s 7am sharp when he’s dressed and ready, heading down to the hotel breakfast bar. It’s very quiet this early on a Sunday, but the staff greet him happily with cheerful good mornings.

He grabs a newspaper and some tea, sitting down at a table by the window. It has a beautiful view over the city that captivates him until someone sets down a cup of coffee on his table.

“Is this seat taken?” 

Jaehyun follows the hand holding the coffee up to the face of its owner. 

Kim Doyoung, Mercedes.

He looks just as put together as last night but now in a soft cream sweater. His hair isn’t styled and he’s wearing glasses, but Jaehyun doesn’t mind looking at him at all, even in this casual state. 

“No, go ahead,” he says, gesturing at the empty chair across from him.

“You’re a morning person then?” Doyoung asks next as he sits down. 

“Yeah, there’s much more to a day when you get up early,” that, and Jaehyun never got the chance to sleep in on the weekends, because there was practice to get to, just like there was school on weekdays. 

“That’s right,” Doyoung agrees, stirring through his coffee. He takes his coffee black, something so simple yet undeniably sexy to Jaehyun. 

He looks around the restaurant to find they’re alone, save for one table full of the Mercedes team crew, that are apparently also early risers. 

“Shouldn't you be sitting there?” Jaehyun asks a little anxiously, “not that you’re not welcome,” Jaehyun adds a little embarrassed by the implications of his statement. 

“I can sit wherever I want,” Doyoung says lightly, taking a sip from his coffee. 

“And you’re not rigged, coming here to pull intel out of me?” Jaehyun jokes. 

Doyoung raises an eyebrow, looking at him pointedly.

“You wanna check?” He asks, putting his hand on the hem of his sweater. 

Jaehyun’s eyes widen, thinking that Doyoung is really about to start taking off his clothes right here in this restaurant. He knows Mercedes parties can get a little reckless, but this is a hotel restaurant, and it’s not exactly the place to -

Doyoung drops his sweater, laughing at Jaehyun’s shocked expression. 

“No offense, but if I had to come here to pull information out of _you_ , I wouldn’t be doing this job anymore.” 

Jaehyun laughs, but plays along. 

“Hm, so there’s nothing you want to know? You don’t want to know what tires I’m starting on?”Jaehyun poses, like _he_ knows what tires he’s starting the race on today.

“There’s a lot I want to know about you, but it has nothing to do with the medium tires you’re starting on today.” 

Jaehyun smiles to himself as he looks down at his tea, cheeks turning a little pink.

“Oh,” he mumbles, a little caught off guard. 

When he looks back up at Doyoung, Doyoung’s smirking, the look in his eyes sending a shiver down Jaehyun’s spine. 

“So you don’t drink coffee?” Doyoung asks, gesturing at Jaehyun’s tea. 

“Not allowed to,” Jaehyun explains, but also knows that drinking caffeine will have him jumping the walls of the pit, the race anticipation already energising enough. 

No one needs coffee when they’re about to speed 300 kilometers an hour down a race track. 

“Caffeine and racing is not a great combination,” Doyoung agrees. “You want some?” 

Doyoung offers half his croissant. Jaehyun’s mouth is watering just looking at the pastry, and he tries to ignore the calorie count ticking in the back of his head.

Butter and sugar, anyone on a diet - racer or not, should probably not have this. 

“Not allowed to,” Jaehyun says again. Donghyuck will eat him alive if his suit doesn’t zip anymore. 

“It’s rude to decline a gift,” Doyoung decides for him, breaking the croissant apart and putting half on the side of the saucer of Jaehyun’s teacup. 

Jaehyun giggles to himself, whispering a soft thank you.

The croissant is delicious, almost as nice as Doyoung’s company. More people saunter into the restaurant, some grumpier than others, but Doyoung asks Jaehyun about how he likes his tea and another plethora of questions - acting like they’re not getting glances from the other guests. 

Jaehyun learns that Doyoung takes his coffee black, that he’s really not here to spy on Jaehyun and that he too is a morning person. Doyoung is kind, ordering both himself and Jaehyun another tea when his cup is empty, telling the waitress to put it on his room tab instead. 

“I think you should ask people before you buy them a drink,” Jaehyun points out after she leaves. 

Doyoung pauses for a moment, meeting Jaehyun’s gaze before he starts laughing. 

“Can I?” Doyoung asks, better late than never.

“You already did.” 

“Can I buy you a drink tonight?” He asks again.

Jaehyun’s mouth drops open again in an ‘o’, looking at Doyoung in bewilderment. Maybe now is not the time to stare, but it’s not like Jaehyun can help himself when Doyoung looks like this. 

With his soft hair and dressed down look, Jaehyun thinks he’s even more captivating than in last night’s suit - and now he’s asking Jaehyun out for a drink. 

“You can try,” Jaehyun decides.

Doyoung arches a brow, clearly not expecting an answer like that. 

“Trust me, I will.” 

∆

Jaehyun loses his fourth opening position to an inefficient pitstop and an untimely safety car. 

It’s an uneventful race and he drives home seventh, coming back to the pit with a sour face.

Ten finishes two spots ahead of him, but is equally as lacklustre about his accomplishment. It’s anything but a splendid opening race for their team and Jaehyun feels the gloom hang all over the pit as they discuss the race they didn’t win. 

In a short press debrief a bold reporter shoots a question if Jaehyun is staying this season with his current team, but his PR manager says there’s no such thing to consider. Jaehyun doesn’t think about the men in suits glancing at him when they think he isn’t looking and he doesn’t _dream_ of mentioning it to anyone, let alone the press. 

Byun Baekhyun manages to secure his pole position throughout the race, followed by his fellow Mercedes driver, which means that Mercedes has something to celebrate. 

The promise of a drink that Doyoung had left him with over breakfast doesn’t fit in this picture. Besides, Jaehyun wasn’t sure if Doyoung had intended to keep on his promise to begin with. 

Perhaps Doyoung had just been polite, teasing him a little. 

Maybe Jaehyun should stop thinking about it - it was far fetched anyways. Mercedes’ aerodynamic engineers don’t just take an interest in boys like Jaehyun. 

Yet Jaehyun finds himself alone in his hotel room, loaded with energy from the race itching to get out. He texts Mark about meeting him in the bar upstairs. Mark answers instantly, saying he’ll be there and Jaehyun styles his hair, puts on a clean button down that doesn’t look too bad before heading out the door. 

Mark is already waiting at the bar, mumbling that Donghyuck is in a late meeting and that he’s lonely and bored. He orders them both a beer and some peanuts, Jaehyun eager to get some food into him that isn’t salad. 

“You did well today,” Mark says, patting Jaehyun on the shoulder. He’s a little bit tipsy, his words a little bit slurred. “I’m gonna miss you when you transfer.” 

Jaehyun laughs. 

“I’m not leaving,” he says to reassure him. 

He knows the looks, the glances, the inquiries - he knows that he’s being considered but until he receives an offer he knows better than to believe it. 

“I saw you talking with Mercedes this morning.”

He’d seen Mark at breakfast in passing but hadn’t thought that Mark had seen him. He _hoped_ Mark wouldn’t see him because he feels his palms get a little sweaty when he has to admit this. 

“That was Doyoung,” Jaehyun says. “Kim Doyoung, I mean, he’s a-”

“I know what Kim Doyoung does, I know who he is,” Mark cuts him off. “I know you want better than-”

“It’s not about that,” Jaehyun interrupts him, even if Mark is right. His car has limitations that hold him back, but he’s not quite confident or bold enough yet to admit it to his team. It’s a matter of time, time and success. “It’s uh.. about Doyoung.”

Mark’s open mouthed look of shock tells him enough. 

“Don’t tell anyone, it’s not that serious,” Jaehyun says, trying to shush Mark before he gets too excited about it and informs the entire bar of Jaehyun’s breakfast partner. “We just had breakfast, it’s nothing.” 

But Mark’s shocked expression is not directed at his confession, rather at whoever is behind him. Jaehyun follows the gaze and he sees Doyoung at the opposite end of the bar, looking at Jaehyun and Mark. 

_Oh_. 

Jaehyun nervously brushes a strand of hair from his forehead when he meets Doyoung’s eyes and Mark gives him a knowing glance when he looks back. 

“I think Donghyuck’s meeting ended early,” Mark says, sliding off the barstool as he finishes the last of his drink. 

Jaehyun wants to say something, scared to be left alone - but at the same time he’s so curious to find out what would happen if he lets Mark leave, if he gives Doyoung the opportunity to sit down next to him, so he lets Mark leave with a short ‘bye’. 

The chair is vacant, but only for a short amount of time, before Doyoung’s slack clad thighs slide up against the leather of the seat. 

Jaehyun had anticipated it, but it still catches him by surprise when Doyoung casually strikes down next to him.

He uses his hand to wave in the bartender. It’s a small gesture but Jaehyun’s flustered by Doyoung’s oozing confidence. Doyoung orders them two Martini’s, and Jaehyun hums appreciatively. 

“How’d you know?” Jaehyun asks, gesturing at the dry Martinis the bartender prepares for them.

“Good guess?” Doyoung offers with the hint of a smile. 

He’s so handsome when he smiles, Jaehyun let’s himself get a little caught up in it, enjoys the way it stirs something in his tummy. 

“Yeah, a correct guess,” Jaehyun hums as he tilts his glass up to cheer with Doyoung, taking a sip. 

“You have old taste, for a nineteen year old,” Doyoung says, after swallowing his own sip of Martini. 

Jaehyun flushes. 

He doesn’t like to be reminded of how young he is. His age has been holding him back for as long as he can remember. Too young to race, too young to travel alone for races, too young to make decisions for himself. Ever since he turned eighteen, all of that vanished, but the limitations turned into responsibilities he was still _too young_ for. 

“I guess no ordinary nineteen year old does what you do,” Doyoung comforts him. 

“Would you buy an ordinary nineteen year old a drink in a bar?” Jaehyun poses. 

Doyoung chuckles, shaking his head to himself.

“I don’t suppose I would.” 

When Doyoung puts the empty glass back down, Jaehyun can’t help but notice his wrist and the expensive watch it holds. It’s pretty, sleek and black with silver details. It’s a striking difference to Jaeyhun’s own wrist, thin and bare. It’s not that he can’t afford a watch in that class, he just didn’t think it was something he wanted. Not until he sees how sexy it looks on Doyoung. Half of the watch is neatly tucked into the white of his dress shirt, his cufflinks blinking in the lights in the ceiling. 

Jaehyun licks his lips, glancing down at his glass. 

He’s not as fast a drinker as Doyoung is and has half a glass to catch up. 

“Your run was good today,” Doyoung praises. “Bet you get that a lot huh, people in bars complimenting you?” 

Jaehyun flushes again. It’s unprecedented for him. 

In his 19 years he hadn’t encountered many opportunities to chat up strangers in bars, but when he did, he was the one taking initiative to make them blush. Jaehyun had a way with words and an even better perception to figure people out. 

He knows what he is going to say before he strikes up the conversation because he knows what people want to hear - it always works out in his favour. 

Doyoung is different and Jaehyun thinks that with such a watch around your wrist, you have no choice but to hold the upper hand. 

“Not really,” Jaehyun admits, shaking his head to himself. “Not about my race, but about my potential.” 

“I don’t think you need to hear that, do you?” Jaehyun definitely does, but he feels Doyoung would not tell him even if he asked. “I didn’t come here tonight to tell you you’re ambitious and that I think it’s hot.” 

“You just did,” Jaehyun points out and Doyoung grins.

“Oops,” he fakes, playing it up by covering his mouth. “You caught me,” he adds, leaning a little closer. 

Their knees touch between the barstools but Jaehyun pretends he doesn’t notice. 

They’re silent for a moment. Jaehyun looks at Doyoung, searches out his gaze. It’s a little sultry, captivating in a way that has Jaehyun’s toes curling in his shoes. It’s a combination of Doyoung and the lack of attention he’s been feeling, well, _forever_.

“You want another one?” Doyoung asks suddenly, snapping Jaehyun out of his daze. 

Jaehyun clears his throat, sitting back a little and clumsily knocking their knees together. 

“Last one for tonight, Malaysia's next week,” he agrees, the next race already looming in the back of his head. 

There are no breaks - even winter break is just that, a pause between the runs, there’s no time to get shitfaced or treat his body like it’s anything but his most valuable asset. 

“Of course,” Doyoung muses. “Planning ahead I see?” 

“As if you don’t,” Jaehyun chuckles, thanking the bartender as he serves another martini. 

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung seizes his attention. “I just build cars - and then I enjoy the free trips,” he supplies, and Jaehyun can’t help but laugh. “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t _want_ to.” 

“I don’t think anyone is here against their will,” Jaehyun counters, and Doyoung scoffs. 

“You’d be surprised,” Doyoung offers. “This is all new for you, but when you’ve done it a couple years, won a couple times - it changes.” 

“Changes?” Jaehyun inquires. 

He enjoys this much more, conversations of substance - no filthy compliments that don’t last beyond one night. 

“Things lose their touch,” Doyoung hums, grinning when he thinks of an example. “I’ve been lead engineer for three years and I have three constructor trophies on my shelf at home - the fourth one isn’t going to fit. I’ll have to put it in storage.” 

“Isn’t that a little presuming for a car that’s won one race?” Jaehyun asks, but it’s a silly suggestion. 

A car like that with a driver like Baekhyun is going to take home another championship, there’s no doubt about it. Mercedes doesn’t lose - not when they’ve got people like Doyoung onboard. 

“Where is that exactly?” Jaehyun asks next, curiosity getting the best of him.

“Where’s what?” Doyoung asks, frowning.

“Home, that office you were talking about,” Jaehyun alludes, making a vague hand gesture. 

“Anywhere,” Doyoung answers and Jaehyun understands it right away. 

Faenza is where his mail address is, where an apartment stands empty, an expat apartment complex conveniently located down the road from the headquarters. But home? It’s somewhere around the world. 

“Mostly in London.” 

Doyoung does not look like a person that enjoys rain, but Jaehyun enjoys very few things about Italy. Beggars can’t be choosers, as it always is in racing.

“Tonight it’s Melbourne,” Doyoung explains. “Tomorrow it’s Kuala Lumpur.”

“What a coincidence,” Jaehyun says, chuckling. “I’m heading there as well.”

“Brilliant,” Doyoung chuckles. “Maybe I’ll see you there then?” 

It’s not how Jaehyun expects Doyoung to say goodbye, but it’s what he gets. Their glasses are empty and the lemon on Jaehyun’s sits crushed at the bottom of it. Doyoung slides off his barstool, a little too close into Jaehyun’s personal space, but he’s entirely unaffected.

“It was nice talking to you,” Doyoung whispers, a little too intimate for Jaehyun _not_ to feel the anticipation in his stomach. “See you next time?”

∆

The Jaehyun that went down for a few drinks last night failed to anticipate Jaehyun at four a.m. piling into a car with the rest of his team to catch a six a.m. flight. He’s tired and still a little tipsy, pretending that by closing his eyes and wearing earplugs he’s not actually awake. 

He is awake, even more so when they go through the notions of security control at the airport. He stands by the gate, pissed off that all the restaurants are closed because his mouth is watering for a proper dose of caffeine.

Mark is equally as awake but speaks in hushed tones as Donghyuck leans into his side, using his shoulder as a pillow. 

When they board the flight Jaehyun scores himself an aisle seat, pleasantly able to stretch out his legs. 

Donghyuck sits between him and Mark, who has a window seat and nothing to see but the early morning sunrise of Melbourne. As soon as they’re airborne and the seatbelt sign goes off, Donghyuck pops his own seatbelt off and climbs over Jaehyun in his seat, taking himself to the empty row behind them where he can have a nap. 

“So how was last night?” Is what Mark asks when he takes off his own seatbelt and shuffles over, sitting in the middle to strike up a conversation with Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun flushes a little thinking back to it, more precisely about the embarrassment he felt when Doyoung left him sitting there and how he’d gotten himself off in the confines of the shower in his own hotel room as a result.

“Fine,” Jaehyun says under his breath. “We had a drink.” 

“And?” 

“And nothing,” Jaehyun says resolutely, trying not to show how disappointed he was, too. 

“You didn’t fuck?” Mark asks, frowning. 

“Gentlemen,” Donghyuck announces, with the most hostile tone Jaehyun’s ever heard. He’s standing above them, leaning over the row of seats and staring right down at Mark. “Can we keep it down a little? It’s _six_ in the morning,” he hisses, ruffling Mark’s hair before he yanks on it. 

Mark whines in pain, trying to shove Donghyuck off. 

Jaehyun envies him a little. 

Last year, the display of affection hadn’t bothered him at all, he barely noticed it over all the other new impressions. Now that he had settled in and adjusted to the lifestyle, he couldn’t help but start noticing tiny little details.

Like how lonely things got in between the races and how satisfying it must be to have someone at your side throughout it. 

Jaehyun was by no means alone, had an entire team behind him to support him and foresee him in every need, but that did not make him feel less lonely. Quite the opposite, because most of the crew members didn’t work with him, they worked _for_ him. 

At the end of the day, that still left just him in his hotel room. 

Racing is a lonely sport, Jaehyun knows that. They didn’t race in teams - Jaehyun had to race for himself. He was the one driving himself over the finish line and the podium only had one number one spot - for _the_ number one, not for their team or their teammates. 

It was a lonely sport and Jaehyun was good at being alone - but no one enjoys feeling lonely.

Not even Jaehyun. 

The flight touches down a couple of hours later, and in an unfortunate turn of events he and Ten ride the same minivan to their new hotel. Ten’s in the seat next to him, the two of them nowhere near as awkward as two days ago. 

“So a little birdie told me you had a _date_ last night,” Ten inquires. 

Jaehyun snorts, shaking his head to himself. 

“It was just drinks,” Jaehyun corrects him. “And who is this bird? I think they need to learn to keep to themselves.”

“I overheard your conversation on the plane, idiot,” Ten says, ruffling Jaehyun’s hair. “And I saw you last night, at the bar.” 

Jaehyun curls his lip between his teeth. 

If Ten saw him, that meant others were bound to have seen him as well. It’s not that he has anything to hide, or that he’s afraid to be seen talking to men in bars - but this particular man was probably not the wisest to be seen with. 

“Don’t worry too much,” Ten says, patting his knee. “No one cares if you flirt with the enemy behind the scenes.” 

“The enemy,” Jaehyun poses. 

It’s not the first thing that comes to mind when he thinks of Doyoung. 

“It’s just a personal vendetta. Doyoung’s a nice guy,” Ten explains, “ _I think,_ ” he adds belatedly.

“You think?” Jaehyun asks. “What’s your personal vendetta against Doyoung?” 

Doyoung hadn’t let much slip about himself last night and while Jaehyun could simply google him, he was yearning for more exclusive information. 

“Doyoung and I go way back,” Ten explains, gesturing with his hands as if he’s pointing at a timeline. “He was one of the engineers on Renault when I first started racing.” 

Jaehyun had not googled Doyoung, so he had no idea how he’d gotten here lest where he came from. He only knew that for the past three years, he had seen Doyoung on TV in press debriefs and Mercedes car launches. 

“Fresh out of university. Doyoung’s some kind of whizz-kid, he got his bachelor’s degree at like… 17,” Ten goes on. Jaehyun figured as much, Doyoung is awfully young to be as successful as he is. They had a lot in common on that front. “He didn’t even own contacts back then, a total nerd.” 

Jaehyun remembers the glasses Doyoung wore at breakfast, smiling fondly. 

“He’s just very competitive, which is why Mercedes snapped him up three years ago,” Ten explains. “Even so, no one builds a winning car their first year in a team, no one but Kim Doyoung.” 

Jaehyun is a little embarrassed how much this new information is turning him on. 

He loves ambition, drive - success, all those words that people easily throw around but that are hard to actually come by. Only those with perseverance get to say they actually obtained them and that’s what Jaehyun thinks is so attractive. 

It’s awful. 

He’s six days away from his next race yet here he is, practically drooling over one of the opposing team’s engineers. His focus is subpar and that’s just not going to cut it for this week.

Kim Doyoung will have to wait. 

∆

He tries to keep him off his mind for the remainder of the week, trying being the keyword. Mercedes is not staying at the same complex as Jaehyun’s team, which means it should be very easy to not think about Doyoung, theoretically.

In practice, this turns out to be a little bit more of a challenge because even if they don’t stay at the same hotel, it doesn’t mean Doyoung isn’t around. 

For most of the week he succeeds. 

It’s not until Friday afternoon at the second free training that any of the Mercedes drivers actually show up to replace their free riding kids. Jaehyun hadn’t missed them at all, something very victorious about overtaking one of those blue silver cars - but now that Mercedes is on site, it means that Doyoung might very well be around as well.

He catches Doyoung in one of the pit rooms, drawings laid out on a table in front of him. 

His team of engineers is gathered around him, but Doyoung is the one doing the speaking, his brow furrowed as he points at the documents on the table with utmost concentration. It’s so sexy, not just the way his tracksuit sits snug on his slim hips, but how confident he looks as he gives directions to the fellow engineers.

It’s the way that Doyoung manages his team, speaks to them in soft but stern directions that has Jaehyun blushing all the way back to their own pit, burying down in a heap of papers in one of the corners, hoping no one notices the way his cheeks stain red. 

He sees Doyoung again at the end of Q2, where Jaehyun gets out of his car in defeat and Doyoung stands right by the pit, talking to Baekhyun. 

Doyoung doesn’t look at him, the royal blue car going by unnoticed as Jaehyun climbs out of it and drags his feet back to the pit. Jaehyun walks back to the pit in shame once again, this time with a whole new-found embarrassment. 

With his focus thrown off and an eleventh starting spot, Jaehyun is not looking forward to the race tomorrow at all. There’s absolutely no reason for him to celebrate anything tonight for the day after, so he lets Ten convince him to go out for dinner. 

It’s a painstakingly sober dinner hosted at a rooftop restaurant and it’s not just Jaehyun and Ten, Mark and Donghyuck show up as well. 

Donghyuck makes everyone else look underdressed, but convinces the host to let them in either way. Ten asks for a table for five, and Jaehyun doesn’t understand why, not until Kun shows up fifteen minutes late and takes a seat next to Ten. 

“Hi,” Mark greets Kun awkwardly. 

There’s no need for introductions because they all know one another - they just hadn’t expected him at dinner. The only meals they regularly share are at odd hours out of cardboard catering boxes. 

“Good evening,” Kun greets everyone, apologising for being late. 

There’s really no need to apologise, because Jaehyun feels like this dinner was an impromptu decision to begin with, but soon realises Ten has ulterior motives. 

He waits to mention it until they’re halfway through the main course, but Jaehyun can tell there’s something on the tip of Ten’s tongue the moment Kun arrives. Jaehyun wants to peel it out of him, but it’s not something he wants to do in front of Mark and Donghyuck, who did not anticipate signing up for dinner full of awkward interruptions. 

The atmosphere is nice and lighthearted, even when Kun is there. 

Mark and Kun talk about car details that Jaehyun doesn’t want to hear in his free time, Ten and Donghyuck rating the other guests’ fashion choices. Jaehyun meddles in between the two conversations, happy to have time with his friends, time he doesn’t have to spend thinking about his eleventh starting position tomorrow. 

“So uhm,” is how Ten wants to start his speech, altering the air between them immediately. Mark and Donghyuck look surprised at the sudden change of atmosphere, Donghyuck using his serviette to wipe the corner of Mark’s mouth so he doesn’t look half as stupid staring open-mouthed. “I wanted to tell you something, kinda uh… official.”

“You’re leaving?” Mark blurts, panic flaring up in his tone. 

Ten laughs, shaking his head. 

“I’m not leaving, idiot,” Ten assures. “Even if i was, you think I’d take you all out for dinner to announce it? You’re lucky to get a text before the press release.” 

“You’re dating,” Jaehyun states then. 

It’s an educated guess. Jaehyun is not completely daft. He isn’t going to give Ten the pleasure of pretending nothing happened in Melbourne. 

Kun looks a little surprised, like he hadn’t seen Jaehyun in the doorway that night. Ten makes a face at Jaehyun for stealing his spotlight, but then chuckles in defeat. “Yeah, Jaehyun’s right.”

“What?” Mark says, his voice wavering. “Dude, you didn’t tell me?” 

It’s directed at Kun, who laughs and shakes his head. 

“It’s not like I have to ask you all for permission,” Ten interjects, laughing too. “I just wanted to do this right, you know, tell my friends over dinner rather than in passing.”

Ten’s a little flustered and it’s an awful look on him, but as unfamiliar as it is, Jaehyun still thinks it’s pretty cute. 

“Congratulations,” Jaehyun tells him after dinner, in the privacy of the elevator up to their floor. “I’m happy for you,” he adds, because he wants all that tension from last year to be gone, and speaking his heart is the only way to do so. 

“Thank you,” Ten answers, still a little flustered from the compliment. “I was going to tell you earlier, but-”

“Don’t worry about that,” Jaehyun waves it off. 

He’s not angry Ten didn’t tell him sooner, he’s not angry at all. His initial confusion that had seeped out in the form of hostility was long gone, vanishing the more he understood how lonely he could be even when he’s not alone. 

It’s something Ten must’ve known for years already, and he can’t fault him for what he’s done. 

He’d rather forget about it altogether. Jaehyun can’t afford to fight with the very few friends that he does have, much less harbour hard feelings about late night hallway kisses that were probably more accidental than anything else. 

∆

Jaehyun drives one of the worst races of his life, finishing ninth. As a bottom-tier top ten he walks into the pit, watching on screen how Ten celebrates his third place trophy and gets a champagne facial from Baekhyun. 

Out of the corner of his eye he watches Kun. 

The way Kun looks at Ten is different to him now, with longing, even if Kun is only watching a screen and Ten is right outside - like just watching him isn’t enough. 

It’s interesting, and Jaehyun tries to be subtle about gauging Kun’s reaction - but Mark catches him. 

“Completely whipped, that man,” he comments discreetly. Jaehyun chuckles, returning his attention back to the screen. Baekhyun’s run out of champagne and they’re slowly leaving the winner’s site. “Can’t believe I didn’t see it sooner.” 

“I did,” Competitive Jaehyun pipes up, shooting himself in the foot. 

“Really?” Mark asks. “How?”

Mark had been in this team longer, knew Kun and Ten better than most - his question is justified. 

“Well...” Jaehyun starts, but let’s Ten’s re-entry into the pit distract Mark from listening to the rest of the story, excusing himself to congratulate his teammate. 

Ten throws himself at Jaehyun, plastering his wet t-shirt against Jaehyun’s undershirt. He ruffles Ten’s hair affectionately, before Ten’s gone for the rest of the team. 

Again he stands from a distance watching Ten celebrate with his team, watching Ten pull his boyfriend in for a hug and then kiss him full on the mouth. Right there, in their tiny cramped pit, with all of Ten’s teammates around them - and no one bats an eye. 

No one cares. 

Everyone watches and no one double takes. 

No one could find it in them now, when Ten holds another trophy in his hands, to be mad about who Ten decides to kiss. 

Jaehyun _can’t_ look away. 

The way Ten’s eyes turn into crescents as he smiles all through the kiss, the way he breaks into a wide grin and holds up the trophy once more, reveling in the way everyone cheers for him. 

No one bats an eye, except for Jaehyun, who feels so lonely it shoots through him like an ache. 

∆

Ten and Mark drag him to the victor’s party that evening, which he agrees to reluctantly. 

It’s hosted in a hotel a few blocks down. Mercedes parties are always a little crazier and a little louder than theirs, their team twice the size and their budget tenfold. 

They’ve rented out an entire floor of their hotel, a bar, dance floor and restaurant. It’s big and sleazy, like most things Mercedes pull off, and at the door there’s champagne thrusted into Jaehyun’s hand right away. 

He takes a sip, then gives most of his drink to Ten - who actually has something to celebrate, before he walks into the rest of the party. 

If he’s lucky, there will be a buffet. 

Jaehyun still believes that someday, at one of these high class hotels he’s going to find a serving of fries instead of the fancy seafood dishes, but becomes disappointed right away.

There’s none of that, the room packed full of people - too many people to see the buffet at all. 

Mark and Donghyuck have long left his side and Ten is standing with the other winners, posing for group pictures and making mindless small talk. Jaehyun had hated it, that one time he had to stand there with Baekhyun and Luhan, talking about nothing they had in common - musing stupidly about the race and weather conditions. 

He goes through the rest of the crowd, trying to keep a low profile. 

He’s hoping somewhere he’ll run into Kun, someone he feels comfortable with and doesn’t have to force conversation with. 

At the back of the restaurant the tall glass walls lead out to a balcony. The air is thick and humid outside, but Jaehyun gracefully slips out to avoid the commotion inside. It’s by no means quiet with the party inside and the traffic going on below, but he enjoys the change of scenery, leaning over the railing to get a good look at the city skyline. 

“Hey,” a familiar voice approaches him from behind.

Jaehyun jumps a little, looking over his shoulder. 

It’s Doyoung. 

Logically speaking, he would have expected a Mercedes engineer at a Mercedes winner’s afterparty. Still, with the amount of people here the chances of running into him had been slim at best. 

Maybe Jaehyun’s a lucky man after all. 

“Didn’t think I’d see you here,” Doyoung adds as he steps up next to Jaehyun. 

They’re elbow to elbow when Doyoung leans over the railing. The Hublot watch he has on his wrist is slim, but it fits with the sleek black of his suit. Jaehyun wants to tell him that maybe he shouldn’t put his hand over the railing, the watch dangling dangerously high. 

“Me neither,” Jaehyun says instead, pulling up the sleeves of his own dress shirt. 

The thing is uncomfortable but Donghyuck won’t let him leave the hotel without at least a proper button up and he’s thankful for it. He would’ve felt incredibly underdressed without it.

“Let me guess, Ten made you come?” Doyoung offers, and Jaehyun hums to agree. 

A small hint of victory glints in Doyoung’s eyes. 

“I was hoping there would be fries, so that this wouldn’t be in vain,” Jaehyun explains a little sheepishly and Doyoung chuckles.

“I don’t think you’re going to find fries at the Grand Hyatt,” Jaehyun had figured as much, but now that he runs into Doyoung here he’s thankful he took his chances. “But I think I know a place.” 

Jaehyun frowns at him. 

Does that imply what he thinks it means? 

Doyoung has already stepped back from the railing, seals his hand around Jaehyun’s wrist to tug him with him. Throughout the mass of bodies they don’t lose each other, Doyoug smoothly maneuvering through it and excusing them whenever someone’s inconveniently in their way. 

It’s all a blur until they’re in the elevator, standing across from each other. 

Elevator music plays while they make their way down over fifty stories, Jaehyun feels a little dizzy when the elevator stops, but thinks it might have everything to do with the way Doyoung is looking at him and not with the velocity of the elevator. 

The staff bow politely at them when they exit the hotel. 

It’s clammy outside, so they walk slowly and leisurely, Jaehyun following Doyoung’s directions.

Kuala Lumpur is a big city with vast differences, the boulevards of riches crammed in right in front of the more densely populated areas, where night vendors are setting up their stalls on the pavements. 

They walk along them all, Jaehyun looking around to admire the tiny details of the stalls, the lights from the windows, the people going about their evening routines. They get some curious glances, people curious to see what two men in suits are doing here. It feels like such a vastly foreign part of the world that Jaehyun doesn’t think he’ll get recognised here. 

Doyoung pulls him into a shop after a couple of minutes of walking and Jaehyun has to do a double take when he sees the familiar countertops and colour combinations. 

“McDonalds?” He asks out loud, looking at Doyoung with a frown. “The place you know is McDonalds?” 

“You said you wanted fries,” Doyoung says as they approach the man behind the counter.

Doyoung isn’t wrong, now that Jaehyun sees the fries on the menu his mouth is watering again. It’s been so long since he had just carbs for a meal, and he’s so thankful that Doyoung brought him here out of all places.

They both get a serving of fries and a milkshake. 

Jaehyun almost laughs out loud at the absurdity of it, seeing Doyoung swipe his black credit card to pay for fries and milkshakes. 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun notes after Doyoung pays, and Doyoung just laughs. “I’ll pay for the next one.”

“Oh really? You know a place in Shanghai?” Doyoung asks, referring to what’s probably going to be next time. 

In this moment Shanghai had seemed far away, even if it was only three weeks from now. Jaehyun would fly home tomorrow and just a few days later they’d be leaving for China. 

Jaehyun is usually always looking forward, thinking of his next races and what’s to come, calculating the days in his head. But when he was walking down the street with Doyoung just moments ago, captivated by the sight and the people around them, his professional racing career had felt far away. 

“I’ve been there a total of one time, so I obviously know it like the back of my hand,” Jaehyun says, causing Doyoung to laugh. 

The employee puts the fries next to their drinks and Doyoung takes the tray, leading them to a table in the corner of the restaurant. 

Jaehyun prefers the privacy, even if it’s perhaps not necessary tonight. 

He puts the fries out on the napkin, taking the lid off his milkshake. It’s an uncanny habit but the moment Jaehyun had seen the fries he could only think of the way the ice cold milkshake melts on his tongue with the sprinkle of salt from the fries. 

Doyoung watches him in confusion. 

“What are you-” Doyoung starts, eyes widening in something akin to disgust as he sees Jaehyun dip the fry in his milkshake before eating it. 

“What?” He asks, giggling at Doyoung’s judging face. 

“Why?” Is all that Doyoung asks, watching in interest as Jaehyun does it again. 

Jaehyun munches on his fries happily before answering.

“It’s really tasty,” He says. “It’s scientifically proven to be the perfect combination, salty and sweet.” 

He makes that up on the spot, but from what he knows about Doyoung, he’s a very logical person and this should be convincing enough. 

Doyoung still doesn’t look convinced, with or without science, however. 

“You should try it,” Jaehyun urges.

It takes Doyoung a moment before he uncaps his milkshake and dips one of his fries in it. He doesn’t look convinced in the slightest when he tastes it. 

“That’s disgusting, I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Doyoung says, grimacing as he swallows it down. 

“Of course it’s disgusting, you have a strawberry milkshake,” Jaehyun deadpans, grabbing another one of his own fries and scooping it through his own vanilla milkshake. He holds it up to Doyoung’s mouth, who still looks a little hesitant as he leans forward and takes a bite. 

His face is indecipherable for a hot moment, before he smiles. 

“Okay fine,” he says, “that is actually pretty good.” 

“Told you,” Jaehyun teases, smiling in victory. 

After finishing their fries (and Jaehyun’s milkshake) they sit for a moment, chatting quietly. 

It’s not until one of the store employees starts yelling something in a language that Jaehyun doesn’t understand that they realise it’s well past midnight, and that maybe the staff wants to go home. 

“We should get going,” Doyoung says then. 

Jaehyun picks up their tray and dumps it at the collecting station before they head back out on the street. It’s still just as lively as before and they stroll leisurely down the pavement. Jaehyun feels a little bit lost, but Doyoung seems to know exactly where they are. 

“You know your way around here?” Jaehyun asks. 

Doyoung shakes his head.

“I don’t,” He admits. “But I’m sure I can find my way back if you want to go?” He offers, but Jaehyun declines that offer too.

“No, this is nice,” he says, gesturing between the two of them. “I didn’t get to see much of the city last year, it was my second race, I was too nervous to think about much but driving.”

Doyoung chuckles. 

“It’s a beautiful city. Then again, they’re all beautiful cities,” Doyoung says. “Except for Monaco, tracks are dangerous and there is nothing but late stage capitalism.” 

Jaehyun only remembers the tracks from Monaco last year. The _pavements_ , the 90 degree corners with nothing but concrete to drive into. 

No one likes Monaco. 

“I didn’t see much of it either,” Jaehyun admits, thinking back to how focused he had been that day. 

“Nothing worth seeing,” Doyoung assures. “Shame we’re leaving so early tomorrow. The Menara is worth visiting, the views are amazing.” 

“I think the views here are pretty stunning,” Jaehyun admits sheepishly, standing still to look right at Doyoung. Doyoung blushes a little when their eyes meet, and the butterflies in Jaehyun’s tummy multiply. 

He still can’t wrap his head around the fact that he’s standing here in the middle of a night market with Kim Doyoung and that it feels so right that there’s nowhere he’d rather be. 

A lady passes between them with what looks like three ton of fabric on her head and nearly hits Doyoung with it, continuing on her way unbothered. Jaehyun laughs so hard he nearly falls over, Doyoung recovering from what could’ve very well been a mouthful of textiles.

They continue walking, making sure to step aside for any busy vendors they meet on their way. 

When they turn into a less crowded street, things turn more quiet and soon they’re back on the busy road leading up to their hotel. Traffic is packed even after midnight, so they wait for a long time by the street crossing. 

Jaehyun tries to steal glances at Doyoung while they wait, just tiny moments he’ll save for later when he’s alone in his hotel room. Yet each time he looks up Doyoung is looking right at him.

He can’t hold his gaze very long, embarrassment getting the best of him as he looks away, pretending to check the crossing sign. 

They eventually cross the street walking shoulder to shoulder, walking the last bits up to the driveway to the hotel. Taxis are parked eagerly on the driveway outside, waiting to take party goers to their next destination. 

“I should head home,” Jaehyun decides. He hopes he can just take a taxi here, call Ten and his team leader to let him know he’s heading back.

“I guess you should,” Doyoung agrees. 

He doesn’t sound too happy about it and Jaehyun feels very much the same.

If he had it his way, he would stop the teasing and follow Doyoung back up to his hotel room,spend the night there seeing just how fine Doyoung’s waist looks under that suit. 

But he can’t have it his way, not with someone like Doyoung. Doyoung isn’t like other people he can easily meet in bars and forget about the day after, there’s something else there and as terrified as Jaehyun is to thread on it, he also can’t deny himself the pleasure of it. 

“Alright,” Jaehyun says, waving in one of the taxi drivers. “Thanks for tonight,” he says as he tries to find the business card of his hotel in his pocket. 

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung says, stealing his full attention again. 

Doyoung grabs the hand that’s holding the card, embracing his wrist sternly to steer him closer, leaning in to press a kiss to Jaehyun’s cheek. 

Jaehyun’s sure he could combust on the spot if he allowed himself. 

It’s just a kiss on the cheek, nothing to write home about, but Jaehyun will _never_ stop thinking about it. Doyoung’s gone right away, leaving a soft hint of his cologne lingering on Jaehyun, like evidence that he had in fact been there. 

“Sir?” The taxi driver calls again, completely oblivious to anything that’s going on right outside his taxi. 

“Sorry,” Jaehyun excuses then, opening the taxi door for himself. “See you in two weeks?” Jaehyun offers, and Doyoung just nods, watching Jaehyun get in the car and close the door behind himself. 

**MAY 2013**

Everyone hates Monaco, even Jaehyun’s team leader, who has been nothing but grumpy all morning. It’s a smothering 30 degrees, which is hot for that time of the year, and their AC unit isn’t working, which means the pit smells like petrol and sweat. 

Jaehyun’s tracksuit is stiflingly hot and Ten has his half unzipped, tied around his waist. He looks like he walked out of a hot racer’s calendar with his undershirt dripping wet. 

The team leader returns to tell them they’re working on the AC, but that none of them have access to it right now, meaning all teams are disadvantaged equally. The first free training has been pushed by an hour, hoping the problem can be solved before that. 

Jaehyun doesn’t see it happening, but he does unzip his own tracksuit, no need to stay this hot when he’s an hour away from getting in a car. 

The crowd for the first free training is huge already, standing outside the entrance with eager cameras and things they want signed. Jaehyun avoids the main entrance and instead walks up two floors, settling out on one of the balconies overseeing the tracks. 

It’s warmer outside, but at least he’s in the shade, and he unzips his tracksuit as far as it’ll go, enjoying the cool breeze on his undershirt. 

He’s alone for a good twenty minutes and considers setting an alarm on his phone just in case he falls asleep and he misses first training. Then he hears the door opening, footsteps coming out onto the balcony. 

As luck has it, Kim Doyoung comes up to stand by the railing of the balcony, realising that he’s no longer in the shade and quickly changing his mind about it. He’s not in his tracksuit, but in a pair of chino shorts, soft white t-shirt tucked into it. Jaehyun’s jealous, but just a little more self conscious by how he’s practically sitting here in his underwear with how low his suit unzips. 

He fixes it quickly, seeing a second person come up behind Doyoung. He can’t tell who it is from the back, but they have a mercedes track suit on. 

“Ah man, it’s so hot here,” he complains, dragging Doyoung away from the railing. They spot Jaehyun there, Doyoung smiling knowingly when he sees him. 

“Hi,” the stranger greets, waving awkwardly at Jaehyun. “AC’s still down.”

Jaehyun figured as much. 

It’s suspiciously quiet even out on the pitlane that they sit right above, where most crews are preparing for the training. 

“I’m going to talk to the manager again,” the stranger informs Doyoung before turning on his heel.

It happens a lot, people talking to Jaehyun like he knows them. It’s because they most definitely know Jaehyun, but Jaehyun’s nowhere near good enough with names to remember all the crews on site. 

“Enjoying the sun?” Doyoung poses, sitting down across from Jaehyun on a different plastic bench. 

“Dying from heatstroke,” Jaehyun complains, wiping another droplet of sweat from his forehead. 

Dire as the circumstances may be, Jaehyun is still very much delighted to see Doyoung. 

After Kuala Lumpur, they hadn’t talked to each other. 

Not out of free choice, but there simply hadn’t been any time. Shanghai had been a whirlwind of stress, as one of their planes got in late and Jaehyun didn’t even have a _car_ for their first free training.

In Bahrain Jaehyun had injured his hand during the race and he had to see a doctor right after finishing the race, who told him that there was nothing visibly wrong but that he needed to rest for the coming days. 

This meant the manager put someone on babysitting duty and made sure Jaehyun couldn’t leave his hotel room even if he tried.

Then in Spain, Mercedes had a massive technical problem, which meant that Ten finished first for the first time this year. While Jaehyun was enjoying himself at the after party they had thrown them, Doyoung probably had bigger issues to tend to. 

Since they still hadn’t exchanged numbers, that meant radio silence from both ends. 

Jaehyun was a little sad about it, but had too much on his mind to think about it much. Not until Doyoung was sitting across from him here in Monaco did he realise how much he’d missed him. 

“Fuck Monaco, right?” Jaehyun offers and Doyoung laughs. 

“I can’t even use the pit boards, too hot for the touch screen to function,” Doyoung explains. “Next they’re going to ask you to race blindfolded to create an equal disadvantage for all.” 

“I can’t wait to get out of this suit,” Jaehyun says, tugging on it where it hangs open. “It should be illegal under these weather conditions.” 

“I think you’ll distract the other drivers too much if you race without it,” Doyoung teases, and Jaehyun can’t help giggling. “I actually have something for you,” Doyoung says next, grabbing something from his back pocket. 

It’s a sharpie and Doyoung reaches out to take Jaehyun’s arm, scribbling something out on the inside of it. He takes a good look at it when he’s done and realises that it’s Doyoung’s number.

“Why’s this?” Jaehyun asks, tracing his finger over the black ink. 

“I thought of something I wanted to show you in Monaco,” Doyoung explains, as he hands the sharpie over to Jaehyun and holds out his own arm. Jaehyun scribbles out his own number down Doyoung’s arm. 

“It’s tonight,” Doyoung explains, and Jaehyun frowns. 

“What is it?” He asks. 

He really doesn’t allow himself breaks until the Grand Prix weekend is over, but if Doyoung is offering something on a Friday night, then he won’t say no to Doyoung. 

“It’ll be a surprise,” Jaehyun _hates_ surprises. “You’ll like it, I promise.” Doyoung assures and for some reason Jaehyun doesn’t doubt it. 

Donghyuck asks him about it later when he hoses him into a new tracksuit, one that hasn’t suffered hours of sweat. He asks Donghyuck to write the number down on a post-it and stick it to his phone and that it’s none of his business who it is. 

∆

The one good thing about Monaco is that it’s so small, there aren’t many options for hotels to stay in the vicinity of the tracks, which means Jaehyun’s team has booked the same hotel as Doyoung’s. Jaehyun’s just about ready to burst with anticipation as he waits for Doyoung in the hotel lobby, after receiving a text message thirty minutes ago to meet him.

He still has no idea what they’re doing, but for the sake of his own sanity he had dressed down in casual shorts and a t-shirt, the weather still too hot to allow anything else. 

Doyoung comes out of the elevator when the clock strikes 30 past, waving at Jaehyun in the lobby. Jaehyun approaches him, falling a bit confused when Doyoung pushes the button of the elevator again.

“Where are we going?” Jaehyun asks as they step back into the elevator. 

Doyoung presses the car park button, and it takes them downstairs, where a valet meets them and hands Doyoung the keys. 

The keys are for the rental Ferrari convertible that’s standing there waiting for them. Doyoung opens the passenger seat door for him, and Jaehyun gets in obediently - still no further enlightened what Doyoung has in store for them. 

“They didn’t have any other cars?” Jaehyun asks as they drive out the garage. 

Monaco’s not very big, mostly made out of old narrow streets, and Jaehyun can’t imagine why someone would need a Ferrari here - why Doyoung would rent a Ferrari when he’s a Mercedes engineer. 

“You can’t tell anyone I said this,” Doyoung says, keeping his eyes on the road “but I think Ferrari has some of the best engines.” Jaehyun almost doesn’t believe what he’s hearing, staring at Doyoung with wide eyes. “Actually, you can tell whoever you want, no one’s going to believe what you’re saying.” 

They drive onto the highway then, probably the only highway Monaco actually has. It’s a short drive until they exit it again. 

When they’re driving over a country road in a more resolute part of the small nation, Doyoung hits the button to roll down the roof of the convertible.

Jaehyun leans over the side of the car, getting a face full of warm summer air. 

It pleasantly tickles his scalp, resting his elbow on the door as he supports his chin. When he glances at Doyoung, he does a double take. 

Doyoung’s leaning against the opposite side of the car, one hand lazily on the steering wheel. With the sunglasses resting on the bridge of his nose and his lips slightly parted, he looks like a work of art Jaehyun’s stolen from a museum. 

He doesn’t really care where they are going. 

They could drive around Monaco all night if it meant Jaehyun got to see Doyoung like this. 

Eventually Doyoung parks the car in an underground parking garage, pulling up the roof before exiting. Jaehyun follows him curiously, the long drive not taking them far out of the city - just to a different part of it. 

When they take the elevator up, Jaehyun realises where they are right away, the noise and interior choices all very familiar to him - a karting track. 

“This is your surprise?” Jaehyun asks, but he’s looking at the track like a kid on Christmas’ eve. Karting is where every racer starts, where their hobby turns into a passion and where those competitive streaks start. 

“Yeah,” Doyoung says. “Went here with Taeyong once a couple years ago, just to blow off some steam.” 

“You have some steam to blow off?” Jaehyun says suggestively, but Doyoung takes it laughing. 

“I thought you could use it after today.” 

Doyoung is absolutely right. 

Today’s free training had been in Jaehyun’s top 5 worst driving moments, the suit too hot, the sun too bright and the tires screeching at every turn as they suffered on the asphalt hotter than hell. 

Jaehyun had almost forgotten why he had to run those mandatory laps to begin with. 

“You’re right,” Jaehyun says, nodding enthusiastically as they make their way up to the front desk. Doyoung had apparently reserved them a slot, one they would have to share with two other drivers. 

“I haven’t driven in a while, so you might have to go easy on me,” Doyoung asks, and Jaehyun had already figured he would let Doyoung win, just to show there was more to him than being competitive. 

The other two people that drive with them are a couple on a date, but by the time they arrive Doyoung and Jaehyun have already changed into the tracksuits and helmets they borrowed, and they’re virtually unrecognizable. 

Jaehyun can imagine knowing you’re racing against a professional driver probably doesn’t do well for your first date, so he’s glad they’re somewhat anonymous. 

Jaehyun doesn’t go easy on Doyoung, doesn’t _need_ to go easy on Doyoung. Doyoung had been a liar when he said he doesn’t drive much anymore, because he knows exactly how this car works and how to use it to his advantage. 

It’s nothing but a simple lawnmower engine, one that Jaehyun probably tires out in less than two laps if he really tries, but he doesn’t - instead Doyoung starts first and Jaehyun drives behind him obediently. 

Every now and then he’ll pretend to take over Doyoung, chase into his slipstream until Doyoung picks up on it and cuts him off at the last second. 

It’s fun, an entirely different competition from the one that Jaehyun usually drives, but one that still has him on the edge of his seat to try and push for that first position. 

They’ve taken over the other two drivers three times already, and Jaehyun’s almost forgotten their existence altogether until they park the cars in the pit and get out, Jaehyun ridding himself off his helmet. 

The girl doesn’t recognise him, but does do a double take. 

It’s when her boyfriend looks over that his jaw drops. 

Jaehyun doesn’t mind being recognised in public and he doesn’t mind posing for pictures. 

Not many people _want_ to take pictures with him, most of them asking for Ten - the real star of the show. It’s still a little bit surreal to be recognised outside of the racing tracks, but even that he has slowly grown used to. Of course he doesn’t mind posing for pictures and signing someone’s phone.

Doyoung stands by watching from a distance as Jaehyun wishes the couple a nice evening and sends them off. 

“Is that not… strange?” Doyoung asks when Jaehyun returns, helmet under his arm. 

“What’s strange is you saying you haven’t driven in a while and then beating my ass like that,” Jaehyun says, and Doyoung laughs.

“You _let_ me win,” Doyoung corrects him, and Jaehyun feigns offense. “You should always let your date win, it’s proper etiquette.” 

“This is a date?” Jaehyun asks, trying not to sound too surprised. 

He had _hoped_ it would be a date, but with Doyoung it was always so touch and go, it was difficult to decipher what he really felt. 

“Not a very good one, there’s no champagne, no candlelit dinner,” Doyoung points out. “Speaking of, I did make reservations for us, so we should probably get going.” 

They have dinner at a restaurant downtown, one that Doyoung had handpicked with years of experience from visiting Monaco. It’s at the pier, overlooking the sea, and they have some of the best seafood Jaehyun has ever tasted. 

After dinner, they walk over the pier, shoulder by shoulder. Their arms brush together, but Jaehyun isn’t quite confident enough to reach out and take Doyoung’s hand. Rows of yachts are docked out in front of them, from tiny sailing boats to luxurious yachts, a welcome sight to distract him from how close Doyoung is. The sea breezes by the harbour front gently, washing over the rocks as they walk on the pier above them. It’s silent between them, and Jaehyun is happy just enjoying Doyoung’s presence. 

Eventually it starts getting a little chilly, and Doyoung suggests they should go back to the car. Jaehyun agrees, but is still reluctant to go home, not wanting the evening to end. Doyoung drives them back to the hotel, into the garage where the valet takes over and they end up by the elevator. 

“What floor are you on?” Doyoung asks, as they step inside. 

“Twelve,” Jaehyun answers, and Doyoung presses that button. “You’re on the same floor?” He inquires, but Doyoung shakes his head. 

“Since this is a date, I think I should walk you home,” Doyoung says, and Jaehyun giggles again, warmness spreading in his chest. 

“Alright, I’ll allow it,” Jaehyun agrees. The elevator takes them up to the 12th floor. It’s fast, shooting up faster than Jaehyun would like, because he wouldn’t mind looking at Doyoung for just a little longer. 

Jaehyun leads the way through the carpeted hallway, coming to stop outside of hotel room 1209. 

He turns to Doyoung, feeling the anticipation sink into his belly. He’s walked people home before, he knows what it entails and he fidgets with his hand in his pocket. He’s nervous just thinking about it. 

Their eyes meet, and Jaehyun’s gaze falls shy, looking at the floor instead. 

Doyoung reaches out, hand brushing over Jaehyun’s shoulder and up to his jaw to get his eyes back up. 

Jaehyun’s just about ready to close his eyes, anticipating what’s about to come - what he has been thinking about since he got into that taxi in Kuala Lumpur two months ago, when the door to room 1209 opens and Jaehyun jumps a mile in the air.

It’s Donghyuck, holding Jaehyun’s suit in one hand, the keycard in his mouth. 

“Oh fuck!” He curses, looking equally as shocked to see Doyoung and Jaehyun. 

“I had to get your suit, I texted you like five times, but it needs to go to dry cleaning.” Donghyuck says in defense as he closes the door behind him. 

“Right,” Jaehyun says, clearing his throat as the flush in his cheeks dies down. “Did you find it?” 

Donghyuck holds up the suit in his hand. 

“Get back to whatever you were doing, I’ll just take this downstairs,” he announces, before disappearing down the hallway. The mood is ruined and Doyoung just laughs as he watches Donghyuck disappear.

“That’s my stylist,” Jaehyun explains, gesturing at the disappearing frame. 

“I know Donghyuck,” Doyoung agrees, humming to himself. “Good luck tomorrow Jaehyun.” 

That’s all Jaehyun gets before Doyoung disappears. 

Still, when he goes into his hotel room alone, he thinks of Doyoung’s smile and of the way the sun catches in Doyoung’s hair as they drive in the summer air and it’s a little less lonely. 

∆

Everyone hates Monaco, and Jaehyun now knows why. During the first qualification round he drives off the track, his tires too cold for the sharp turn. His concentration is gone after that, mind working over hours on how he’s going to take those turns during the race in order to avoid a similar incident.

His performance in qualification is so poor that he doesn’t even make it to Q2 - an awful performance. He kicks against the side of the pit wall to out his anger, causing his race engineer to cuss him and his childish behaviour out. 

He results in sulking at the rooftop balcony, watching the rest of the qualification laps. 

Ten pulls through until the very last one, as do the Mercedes drivers. For tracks like Monaco, he doesn’t mind standing by the sides of the track and watching the rest of the qualification lap - watching everyone else miss brick buildings by an inch. 

Luhan is out before the end of Q1, engine failure, a sour pill for Mercedes to swallow but not unexpected on these tracks. This leaves Baekhyun his pole position and Ten starting second. 

Jaehyun feels like he’s already written the race off the next day, before he even starts it. 

He tries to remember his race here last year and he does a google search to see he ended thirteenth, but that six other cards had retired - which essentially meant he was second to last. It had been a finish nonetheless, something he considered a chore on this day.

It was sweltering hot on race day, the sun glaring at the asphalt and the cars as they stand in the pit, waiting for drivers. 

Jaehyun almost felt bad for them, the metal surely scorching under the heat. 

Ahead of the start, Jaehyun and Ten sit in front of two fans in the pit, staff members bringing them ice packs to cool down. 

“This track is ridiculous.” Jaehyun mutters, pointing at some of the corners on the track. 

Ten hums on his mouthful of salad. 

“Actually, this chicane is fun, if you cut short on the first one, the second has a really easy cut-off point,” Ten says.

Jaehyun nods, adding it to the list of things he needs to remember in order to keep himself upright in this race. 

When it finally starts, he’s actually nervous. 

He thinks he maybe feels what his mother feels every start, that doom scenario that he’s going to drive himself right into something and crash. It seems very plausible with the concrete buildings surrounding him, even if he logically knows that there are safety barriers everywhere. 

His start isn’t bad at all. He manages to overtake two cars just by some lucky positioning in corners, and drives ninth for the first few laps. 

Ninth soon becomes eighth, when someone makes Jaehyun’s doom scenario real and leaps out of a corner too soon, landing in a barrier somewhere instead. The safety car drive is agonising and slow, it makes it almost impossible to keep the tires warm properly, and Jaehyun complains about it to his race engineer, who seems just as frustrated. 

Eight becomes seventh when the prolonged safety car costs another car engine its life. 

The next twenty laps are not very spectacular. Jaehyun defends his position, but there’s nothing to defend it from as everyone stays in their particular position. He’s twenty eight laps in when his race engineer calls him to the pitstop, but Jaehyun’s tires have barely gotten any action. 

“You go now or you go in twelve” is the ultimatum he gets. 

It’s a 70 lap track and almost everyone goes for a two-stop strategy. _Almost_ everyone had already gotten their pitstop in, but if Jaehyun could just hold out twelve more laps, that would give him the upper hand. 

One pitstop instead of two means thirty seconds at least on all of his opponents. 

“Twelve!” Jaehyun confirms, releasing the mic again. 

The laps are all boring, most drivers are too careful to try anything too risky in terms of overtaking. After Jaehyun successfully clears his pitstop and drives out sixth spot, his fresh tires give him a headstart on those behind him. 

If he can just keep this up, keep his tires nice and warm, then maybe he can secure a final position that isn’t second to last. He hears that Ten is third, behind Baekhyun and Luhan, and thinks that it’s better if the race ends this way, with all of their cars as intact as the concrete of Monaco. 

It almost does. 

Sixty laps in and Jaehyun’s head isn’t in it as much, comfortably driving in his sixth position and counting down the laps. He hears it first on the radio before he sees it, the message meant for Ten but going out to him as well. 

“Mercedes _out_ ,” his race engineer says over the window. “Car 21 and 7 out,” the engineer calls again, and Jaehyun almost can’t believe what he’s hearing, both Mercedes players apparently out. 

The details are fuzzy, but there has been a collision and just before the safety car enters the tracks, Jaehyun overtakes the fifth car in the chicane Ten had told him about. 

Except that fifth car is no longer fifth, but third - which means that he’s on the podium. 

In the next safety car run, Jaehyun squeezes in another impromptu pit stop and with fresh medium tires he’s faster than all the other drivers. 

Seven laps to go. 

It’s not going to be easy, but Jaehyun is not going to back down from a challenge that’s handed to him like this. 

Which means he tries, he really does. 

He chases number two, a veteran Red Bull driver, until he’s breathing down their neck and they start taking sharp corners to assure Jaehyun doesn’t peer through. He tries the chicane trick again, but fails, almost driving himself off into the rubble but quickly adjusting to continue his chase. 

Lap 66 out of 70 and Jaehyun finally succeeds in cutting Kim Jongin off, snatching that second spot right out of his hands as he speeds through the other curves ahead of him. 

His focus is back, sharper than ever, and soon he’s watching the back of Ten’s car. 

His heart sits in his throat. 

There’s three laps to go, and Jaehyun has fresher tires than Ten, which means that in no time he’s pushing against Ten, jabbing at him in the curves playfully. There’s some rustling on the radio as he chases Ten up, before the race engineer finally tells him to overtake him. 

Ten’s really not supposed to help him, but in one of the final corners of lap 68 he manages to overtake Ten, and he drives as the lead of the race until the very last lap. 

In Monaco, Jaehyun wins his first race. 

He becomes one of the youngest race winners in the history of Formula 1 and all he feels is disbelief. His team radio goes bezerk with noise, his team standing by the fence of the tracks, cheering happily for him as he drives over the finish and waves at them the best he can. 

He slows down for the victory lap, let’s Ten drive next to him for most of it, until they come into the pit.

For the first time in his life Jaehyun is welcomed as a winner, as a Grand Prix winner, the cameras crowding around his car the moment he comes out. 

Taking off his helmet, he waves at most of them, before sprinting over to his crew and throwing himself in their arms. It’s loud and crazy, a mix of emotions all passing through Jaehyun as they cheer for him, shake hands with him and hug him. 

Jaehyun’s chest feels about ready to burst, seizing up when Ten comes to join him, pulling him in for a long hug. 

It goes without saying that he couldn’t have done this without Ten, or without the rest of his team. Their strategy had been solid, and Jaehyun had executed it perfectly. He just needed a little bit of luck, and there he was, a Grand Prix winner.

The interviews and the routines are all a blur. 

He doesn’t even remember what he said, only remembers Donghyuck practically drilling his hat onto his head, making sure that it gets the screen time the sponsors want. 

Not until he gets to stand on the highest podium and they play the national anthem does he feel like it’s real, like he did this. 

He won this. 

He gets to spray Jongin and Ten down with champagne, the sweet liquid seeping through all his clothes, and it’s so worth it because he won. He did this. 

He’s made it. 

∆

His team goes all out for his first win. 

They stay at their hotel, but there’s an open bar and anyone is invited - even all the other opposing teams.

The bar is packed with people, and Jaehyun is brought in like a hero. 

He gets another champagne bottle handed to him, one that he fills glasses with and cheers with his fellow teammate, so happy to see them all here and celebrate this with him. He still feels high, still struggles to believe that this is happening. 

He won, these people are here to celebrate him, his success. The hard work he’s been putting in for as long as he can recall, that’s all coming together to pay off, now. 

Jaehyun feels on edge the entire evening, a combination of overloaded happiness and at the same time, like he could cry if he thinks about it anymore. At some point he realises he is still in the same awful undershirt he’d worn at the race, which is quite sticky and smells of champagne, so he excuses himself for his hotel room to find a change of clothes. 

He waits for the elevator, rocking back and forth on his heels impatiently. He’s still so high on energy, the feeling of victory so wound up in him that the short wait for the elevator feels like an eternity. 

When the elevator arrives, the doors slide open to reveal Doyoung. 

“Hi,” he greets, stepping into the elevator. The doors close behind him, and Doyoung looks at him questioningly. “Twelve again, yes.” 

Doyoung takes another look at him, hits the twelve button, waits for the elevator to start moving before pressing the stop button. 

It comes to a halt and Jaehyun only gets a moment to be shocked about it, before Doyoung steps up to him. Their eyes meet briefly, a tug of war to who caves first, and it’s Doyoung who does, surging forward to kiss him. 

He tastes like champagne, carefully coaxing Jaehyun’s mouth open by the teasing of his tongue. 

It’s a fierce kiss, their teeth clashing with the intensity of it and Jaehyun goes lightheaded the more he lets himself fall for it. Doyoung knows exactly what he’s doing, luring Jaehyun in with teasing little licks against the roof of his mouth, until he’s gasping back into Doyoung’s mouth. 

When Doyoung pulls away, a string of spit connects their lips, and it should be a little gross but Jaehyun wastes no time, lurching forward to capture his lips again. 

They stumble back against the other wall of the elevator, Jaehyun shoving Doyoung up against it as he kisses him hastily. 

They don’t have much time and it’s eating away at him because now that he knows what Doyoung tastes like, what his skin feels like under his fingertips, he wants all the time in the world to experience it.

Luckily Doyoung has the self control to pull away and push the stop button again, jolting the elevator back to life. Jaehyun uses the back of his hand to wipe his spit slicked lips, catching sight of how red and bruised they are in the mirror as he steps back. 

Silence falls between them as the elevator takes them up the last couple floors. Doyoung exits on the same floor, and they stand still in the middle of the corridor.

“Did you just kiss me because I won?” Jaehyun asks, tilting his head as he thinks it through. 

“Yes Jaehyun, I don’t kiss losers,” Doyoung admits, but he laughs too fondly for it to be real. “I like you, that’s why I kissed you.” 

Jaehyun wishes he could follow Doyoung, get one more taste of his lips - maybe solidify the feeling in his memory with a hundred more tries back in Doyoung’s hotel room, but he knows better. 

He has a party for him downstairs, he couldn’t do that to his team or to himself - trade in months of hard work for some pleasure that lasts him one night. 

Because he had no idea where he was standing with Doyoung. 

Was it a fun thing they did while they conveniently saw each other? Did Doyoung want anything more than _fun_? 

Jaehyun would be over in a heartbeat if Doyoung just asked, but Doyoung made the rules, and Jaehyun just showed up when he asked. 

While that might sound like the worst deal in history, Jaehyun’s pretty sure it’s all he’s getting for now. As he stands there, Doyoung simply tells him goodbye before turning on his heel and heading down the corridor to what Jaehun presumes is his own room. 

Jaehyun’s heart churns as he watches him walk away. 

That night Jaehyun stays out late. The party is wild but all in his favour, and everyone encourages him to stay just one more drink. 

Eventually it’s 3 AM when he enters his hotel room, and he’s more disoriented than drunk, struggling to make his way to bed where he passes out the moment the room stops spinning. 

**JUNE 2013**

Canada is cold and gruesome and Jaehyun never wants to race there again. 

Ten feels the same, both retiring early from the race due to some friction problems on their tires. It’s not on them, but Jaehyun feels defeated anyways. 

After Canada comes Britain, and London is always nice albeit rainy so they fly out a couple days in advance. 

It’s just Ten and Jaehyun, supposed to film some content for their promotion videos, the rest of their crew busy with preparations back in Silverstone, and for once Jaehyun gets to enjoy time with his friends where it’s not about the tracks or their stats, it’s just him and Ten in an expensive two-bedroom hotel suite. 

The race itself is in Silverstone, which means two days before the racing weekend starts Jaehyun and Ten take a taxi up. 

The driver does not look convinced, two young men asking for a trip out to Silverstone, but Ten shows him the back of his wallet, where the black credit card sticks out, and he agrees to drive them up. 

The car ride is not more than an hour, but enough for Ten to grill him in the privacy of the back of the car.

“What’s up with you and Doyoung?” Ten asks out of nowhere, a ploy to break the silence.

Jaehyun chokes on his coffee, coughing half it up before he can answer the question.

“Nothing,” he says, putting the coffee down just to be safe. “We just spend time together, sometimes.” 

He’d seen Doyoung in passing in Montreal, but again Doyoung hadn’t even acknowledged him. 

Jaehyun thought that after Monaco, maybe things would change. 

They went on a date, people don’t go on dates without intentions for something more. 

Having Doyoung’s number in his phone after Monaco did absolutely nothing for him, as he was too scared to use it. Instead there were longing one sided glances from Jaehyun’s part while Doyoung was busy doing his job. 

“Sometimes?” Ten asks, furrowing his brow. 

Ever since Ten came clean about his serious relationship, he gets to act superior when it comes to relationship status or advice. Jaehyun hates it.

“It’s not that serious,” he plays it off. 

Maybe if he says that often enough, he will believe it. 

“For someone that says it’s not serious, you sure look like it’s very serious.” Jaehyun sometimes forgets Ten can decipher the expressions on his face as emotions. He really needs to stop that. “You should text him.” 

“What?” Jaehyun asks, raising his voice slightly. He’s half convinced Ten can read his mind at this point, which would be very unfortunate. How’s he ever going to win another race against him? “I never said I-”

“No, I just guessed that,” Ten laughs, and Jaehyun is tempted to punch him. 

Anything to get him to shut up. 

“I’m not going to text him,” Jaehyun decides, then closes his eyes and pretends he’s trying to sleep for the remainder of the ride. 

He’s somewhat successful, bathing in the blissful silence of the electric vehicle and Ten shutting up. He doesn’t open his eyes until the car parks right outside the hotel. 

As they wait for the crew to get their room keys ready, he checks his phone. 

There’s an unread message from Doyoung, and Jaehyun opens it eagerly. Perhaps speaking it out loud to Ten had manifested it.

It had not. 

Ten had caused this. 

Of course Ten knew the password to Jaehyun’s phone, and while Jaehyun had been blissfully under for a couple minutes, Ten had taken it upon himself to cause problems and message Doyoung from his phone. 

When he scrolls up in the conversation there are more messages, and Jaehyun is asking if they can see each other, and Doyoung is sending him his address and asking for a time that works for Jaehyun. 

They’re having dinner tonight.

“What the fuck?” Jaehyun barks, holding his phone out to Ten. “What the fuck is this?” 

Ten laughs, that cute little giggle he always does to get away with everything. 

Jaehyun couldn’t be mad, even if he tried. He has dinner with Doyoung to look forward to. 

In Doyoung’s house. 

They’d only seen each other in expensive hotels, and even if Doyoung had mentioned at one point that there was a place he called home back in London, he didn’t think he would actually come to see it one day. 

Jaehyun texts him back to decide on a time and then starts to worry about all that it implicates. 

He unpacks his stuff at the hotel, going through his bag for a toothbrush and some clean clothes, stuffing it all into a backpack that he then brings with him downstairs to hail a cab to the nearest station. Technically he doesn’t have to be here until the debrief next morning, so he can go wherever he wants tonight without telling any of their managers.

Packing a bag to stay the night might be a little presumptuous, but worst case scenario he doesn’t have to use it - or maybe that’s the best case scenario, he doesn’t know what to expect. 

A little past their appointed time Jaehyun arrives at his doorstep in a quieter part of London, not even an hour from Silverstone. 

It’s a modern apartment complex, where Jaehyun has to list his name at the door and the guard has to let him in after checking on a list. Jaehyun’s not sure what to make of it now that he knows Doyoung’s put him on a visitor list. 

His apartment is located on the third floor so Jaehyun takes the stairs up, breathing a little heavier when he finally arrives upstairs and rings the doorbell. 

Jaehyun had no idea what to expect, but what he sees somehow feels like the right thing.

Doyoung is dressed down into a soft sweater, his hair unstyled and glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. It reminds Jaehyun of the Doyoung that sat down to have breakfast with him months ago, except now a little more intimate as he’s let into Doyoung’s apartment.

They haven’t talked since Monaco and it suddenly feels miles away, like Jaehyun’s seeing an old friend he’s missed for too long. 

They don’t hug or kiss, so maybe that’s just what it is. 

Doyoung gives him a pair of guest slippers and then lets him come into the kitchen, where plates are already set at the table. 

Jaehyun’s not even sure he _owns_ plates in his apartment in Faenza, can count the days he’s spent there on one hand. Doyoung’s entirely different, even if his apartment lacks personal touch it still contains the things an apartment should hold, like cutlery and wine openers. 

“How have you been?” Doyoung asks as he pours two glasses of white wine. 

Jaehyun wants to say a million things, that he’s been mad, furious that Doyoung hasn’t called or texted or acknowledged his existence back in Montreal. Angry that Doyoung keeps treating him like a joke, like a child he can just string along - but getting angry with him, that would make Jaehyun look exactly like the child he doesn’t want Doyoung to see him as. 

So he bites his tongue. 

“Fine.Ten and I had a few days in London, it was nice for change,” Jaehyun explains, thinking back to the past three days that successfully put a smile to his lips. 

“Must be nice to have a few days off,” Doyoung muses. 

“What about you?” Jaehyun asks. 

“Can we not talk about it?” Doyoung asks. 

Mercedes had performed underwhelming in Canada and hadn’t even finished in Monaco. For Mercedes, two awful races in a row were a reason for everyone to worry, and that included Doyoung.

“Sure,” Jaehyun agrees, putting his glass down. 

He walks around the living room dining area, and it’s exactly what he’s expected from Doyoung. 

Clean, sleek furniture and lots of white open spaces. 

There are some pictures here and there, most of his team, and some of himself and friends. There wasn’t much else for personal touch, save for some books lining the bookshelf, almost exclusively about aerodynamics and other complicated material Jaehyun would not understand. 

Doyoung’s a little quiet over dinner, and Jaehyun tries to make up for it but he’s never been too good at small talk, which leaves them with a lot of awkward silences. 

When they finish their food, they move to the living room to finish the wine and Jaehyun thinks that maybe packing a bag was overkill. Maybe Doyoung doesn’t even want him outside of work, maybe that’s all there is to it. A work fling, convenient while they’re both there.

In any way, Jaehyun needs to know what they're doing. He’s prepared to be that child that needs it spelled out for him, so in one of the well fitted silences he speaks up.

“Doyoung?” He asks, getting the elders attention. 

“What are we doing?” He continues, leaving the question broad and open, perhaps easier to answer. 

“What are we doing?” Doyoung repeats to himself, eyes wide like the question was entirely out of the blue, like Jaehyun hasn’t been beating himself up about this for the past weeks.

“I don’t like it when I don’t know the answer, so I need to know what we’re doing,” Jaehyun explains, trying to urge him on for an answer.

Doyoung’s face softens. “I think we are dating, aren’t we?” 

Jaehyun swallows uncomfortably. “Do you want to be?”

Doyoung sighs, putting a pillow in his lap and sitting more upright. “Look, Jaehyun, you’re very young-”

Jaehyun cuts him off in frustration. 

“Please don’t say I’m too young,” there’s hurt somewhere in his voice and Doyoung pauses at the abrupt statement.

“I’m not saying you’re too young,” Doyoung goes on. “I’m just saying you’re young, and I’m older, and we might want different things.” 

“What is it that you want then?” 

Doyoung looks more annoyed by every word Jaehyun says, pressing his palm to his forehead as he takes a deep breath. 

“Look Jaehyun, I like you, I want something serious out of this.” 

The lump in Jaehyun’s throat drizzles down, sinking into his stomach. 

“I want that too,” Jaehyun clarifies. 

A convenient fuck had been on his mind before, but now that he knew Doyoung and he knew what it felt like to be with him, that was long forgotten - still, he’ll have to take what he can get, as always with Doyoung. 

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Doyoung asks, patronising if anything. 

“Doyoung. I drive carbon death traps around a race circuit at 300 kilometers an hour. I think I can make my own decisions,” Jaehyun counters, but Doyoung is relentless in his doubts. 

“And you can make your own mistakes, but I don’t want to be one of them,” He argues. 

Jaehyun’s hands bunch in the fabric of his jeans. 

“You won’t be,” Jaehyun assures, trying to calm himself down. 

He knows the moment he raises his voice and gets angry about Doyoung’s ridiculous second guessing, he’s done for. He can’t allow himself to get angry because as ridiculous as Doyoung’s doubts are, to him they are valid. 

“I know you think I’m young, and you think I don’t know what I want, but I do,” Jaehyun insists, leaning a little closer to him. “You’ve got to give me a chance to prove it to you.” 

“Prove it to me, huh?” Doyoung asks, the atmosphere taking a 180° turn with Doyoung’s suggestive undertone. 

Jaehyun’s heart skips a beat, looking at his hands in shame. 

“Not like that,” he starts to excuse himself.

“Shame,” Doyoung says, cocking an eyebrow. 

His look fades to a more serious one, and he reaches over to grab one of Jaehyun’s hands and put it down between them, covering it with his own. 

“Let’s give it a shot,” Doyoung offers. 

Jaehyun’s ecstatic and terrified at the same time, both emotions the doing of Kim Doyoung, who is offering him a _shot_. He’ll consider what exactly a shot entails later - there’s no time now when Doyoung reaches out to tilt his chin up before leaning in and softly pressing their lips together. 

It’s different from the kiss in the elevator, less desperate and more teasing, gentle nips that have Jaehyun smiling into it.

Doyoung’s hand trails up to find Jaehyun’s shoulder, urging him a little closer and he follows swiftly. 

What starts as a soft innocent kiss soon has Jaehyun moving over to straddle Doyoung’s lap, sinking his hands through Doyoung’s hair as their mouths press together feverishly. Jaehyun whimpers when Doyoung’s tongue grazes past his lips, softly licking the roof of his mouth, letting his hands graze down Jaehyun’s sides until they settle on his waist. 

They break apart only for Doyoung to lift Jaeyhun’s shirt over his head, hands going back to Jaehyun’s slim waist, one hand trailing over his tummy. Doyoung’s thumb dips in the ridges of his abs, rubbing softly and Jaehyun is breathing back shakily into Doyoung’s mouth. 

Doyoung’s hand trails lower until it lands on the bulge in Jaehyun’s jeans, pressing the heel of his hand down softly until Jaehyun has to tear his mouth away, moaning breathily. He tugs on the softness of Doyoung’s sweater, wanting it off so he can finally get a glimpse of what Doyoung looks like under that tracksuit.

Doyoung lets Jaehyun lift it up and over his head, his hair a little tousled by it. Jaehyun takes a handful of it, tilting Doyoung’s head to the side to latch his lips to Doyoung’s neck. 

It’s trial and error, seeing which spots that pull the prettiest noises out of Doyoung, and he settles for sucking a soft bruise there, Doyoung whining.

“No marks,” he mumbles when Jaehyun pulls away, looking into Doyoung’s eyes. 

He steals another kiss from his lips, the feverous way they’d kissed in the elevator still clear on his mind. There’s no need to rush now, but Jaehyun’s still so eager to get his hands on Doyoung, trailing them down his tummy to rest on the hardness in his pants.

“Can I blow you?” Jaeyhun asks out of breath. 

He watches Doyoung’s spit slicked lips draw in a sharp breath.

“Yeah,” he breathes, sealing their lips together once more. 

Jaehyun’s hands work on the zipper of Doyoung’s pants, pulling them down far enough to get where he wants to be. 

He swiftly moves himself down to the floor, wobbly knees pressing into the carpet as he puts his hand on Doyoung’s clad thighs to spread them, just far enough to fit himself in between them. With shy hands he tugs on the waistband of Doyoung’s boxers, curling it down just far enough to get his cock out.

Jaehyun practically salivates staring at Doyoung’s cock, it’s the perfect size, perfect width - Jaehyun can’t wait to get his mouth on it, licking his lips in anticipation. 

Jaehyun’s a perfectionist in every shape and form, knowing exactly what he’s doing when he wraps his small fingers around Doyoung’s length, ghosting his breath over it. He teases a few strokes, biting his lip as he looks up. It takes what little self control he has to _not_ flutter his lashes and put on a show for him. 

Their eyes lock for a moment.

Doyoung’s pupils are blown wide and focused as he looks down at him with the kind of authority that he also usually oozes at work, and it has Jaehyun’s cock twitch inside his pants, pressing against the zipper of his jeans painfully. 

He carefully laves his tongue over the tip, giving a few indulging kittenish licks that have Doyoung’s breath caught in his throat, followed by a soft groan as his hand comes to brush some of Jaehyun’s hair out of his face. Jaehyun takes it as encouragement to go on, wrapping his hand around the base of Doyoung’s cock as he sinks his mouth down. 

Doyoung’s hips twitch when his tongue caresses the underside of his cock, pulling back slowly to collect himself. Jaehyun purses his lips to dribble out a trail of spit, using his hand to spread it down, closing his eyes when he sinks his mouth down again. 

He sets a leisurely pace for himself, letting Doyoung’s hand sink into his hair. It’s a gentle pull, one that has Jaehyun’s dick twitch inside his jeans again, the pressure becoming more uncomfortable by the minute. Doyoung moans unabashedly when he sinks down a little further, letting the tip of his cock tease the back of his throat. It’s been a little too long since Jaehyun’s done this for his gag reflex to be completely comfortable with it, and he eases up a little. He hollows his cheeks as he sucks him down again, this time just far enough to be comfortable, the weight of Doyoung’s cock hot and heavy on his tongue. 

Every little hushed breath Doyoung lets out goes straight to his cock and he thinks he could get himself off embarrassingly fast just listening to Doyoung. 

He tries his luck again, this time breathing in before he sinks down further, allowing Doyoung’s cock to tease the back of his throat this time. He doesn’t pull off far, just using the leverage to sink down further. 

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung stammers out, hands tightening in his hair. 

Jaehyun teases the underside of Doyoung’s cock with his tongue, running it up against the veins and Doyoung’s hip twitch again, sending them up off the sofa and a little bit further down Jaehyun’s throat. 

He chokes right away, tears springing to his eyes as he pulls off, couching a little. 

“Sorry,” Doyoung apologises, instead moving his hand down to swipe his thumb over Jaehyun’s cheek, wiping a tear away.

“No, ‘s okay,” Jaehyun croaks out, voice hoarse “just been a while.” He admits, still having the audacity to blush in a situation like this. 

“C’mere,” Doyoung murmurs, pulling Jaehyun back up in his lap. 

Clumsily he sits himself back down in Doyoung’s lap, achingly hard in his jeans. Doyoung helps him out of them, pushing them down far enough for his cock to spring free. Doyoung’s hand wraps around it, squeezing at the base before stroking it softly, Jaehyun squirming in his lap. 

He feels a little lightheaded as Doyoung searches out his lips again, teasing a moan out of him as he filthy licks into his mouth, his thumb rubbing over the head of Jaehyun’s cock. 

Jaehyun’s hips stutter forward, thighs trembling where they’re straddling Doyoung’s thighs. 

“Can I fuck you?” Doyoung pants into Jaehyun’s mouth. 

Jaehyun pulls away, allowing himself a millisecond to breathe as he presses his forehead against Doyoung’s. He briefly glances down, sees the way Doyoung’s cock looks so much bigger against his and _fuck_ he wants that inside him so badly, but also - 

“I can’t,” Jaehyun breathes. “I have to drive tomorrow-” 

He already feels defeated just at the thought of having to force himself down into his carseat with a sore back.

“‘S just the training,” Doyoung murmurs back into his mouth, and Jaehyun _knows_ that, knows he can make up enough excuses to get himself out. It’s so tempting, the way Doyoung’s hand feels on his cock, the way he sucks little bruises into Jaehyun’s neck but Jaehyun knows better. 

“Not tonight,” Jaehyun hums, leaving an unspoken promise of another evening, another time. 

Doyoung seems satisfied with this, stealing Jaehyun’s lips again. 

Doyoung’s big hands fit just right around his and Jaehyun’s cock, getting them off together as Jaehyun licks into his mouth, their kisses more teeth clashing than anything. His hips stutter, cock twitching in Doyoung’s hold as he finishes all over Doyoung’s hands, moaning filthily against his lips. Doyoung comes moments later, panting into Jaehyun’s mouth through it. 

They shower together in an attempt to clean up, but end up getting dirty again as Doyoung gets him off once more, muttering something about his age proven by his refractory period.

After the shower Doyoung puts out a fresh set of clothes for him, consisting of sweats and a worn out t-shirt. Jaehyun’s not sure what to make of it, but he accepts the offered garments either way.

“You should stay tonight,” Doyoung mentions as Jaehyun comes out of the bathroom, and Jaehyun wouldn’t have it any other way. 

∆

Jaehyun’s already insisted he’s attending the free training, which means he has no choice but to get up the next morning, even as every fibre of his being is screaming to stay in bed. 

Doyoung’s bed is so comfortable, Jaehyun’s back feels like his back is one with the mattress. 

Waking up next to Doyoung is different from sleeping alone, Jaehyun’s neck sore from straining on the pillow to accommodate Doyoung’s sleeping frame, head resting on Jaehyun’s chest, arm strewn over him. 

His fingers are curled in the sleeves of Jaehyun’s shirt, like he’s holding him in place. 

But Jaehyun had set an alarm last night, even as Doyoung had tried to distract him from doing so, and he _knew_ there were responsibilities waiting for him. He had to leave, no matter how difficult Doyoung made it for him. 

With careful precision he tears himself from Doyoung’s side, quickly shuffling into the bathroom to get changed, trying not to make a sound as he brushes his teeth. 

When he returns to the bedroom in search of his socks, Doyoung is awake. He’s sat up in bed, hair messy on top of his head, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose. 

Jaehyun curls his hand into fists, pressing crescents into his palms to keep himself from going right back to bed. 

“Were you going to leave without saying goodbye?” Doyoung accuses, pouting at him. 

It’s heartbreaking, and Jaehyun is a simple man, sitting down on the side of the bed next to Doyoung. 

“Didn’t wanna wake you,” he offers sheepishly. “You looked so comfortable sleeping.” 

“And you could too, be comfortable sleeping,” Doyoung invites yet again, patting the bed next to him invitingly. 

“I have to go,” Jaehyun insists again. 

Ten wouldn’t let him live it down if he missed practice to get laid. 

“You’re not even going to kiss me goodbye?” Doyoung whines, grabbing Jaehyun’s wrist to tug him closer.

It’s a whole new Doyoung and Jaeyhun’s heart hums happily, the clinginess and the soft tousled hairstyle somehow fitting exactly into the image of Doyoung he likes to paint in his head. 

Jaehyun grins as he cups Doyoung’s face and presses a short kiss to his lips. He doesn’t allow himself anything else, knowing very well how easily he can be persuaded. There’s no looking at Doyoung’s pout when he pulls away, instead he is getting to his feet, ready to leave. 

“Can you hand me the remote?” Doyoung asks as Jaehyun grabs his phone and wallet from Doyoung’s desk. Jaehyun chucks it at the bed and Doyoung reaches over to grab it from where it lands by his feet. “If I can’t have a boyfriend in bed, I guess I’ll watch him on TV.” 

Unsurprisingly one of the sports channels is already showing an early debrief for today’s practice session, that doesn’t even start until a few hours. 

“Boyfriend?” Jaehyun asks carefully, cheeks tinting red. 

He’s still got his back towards Doyoung, trying his best to duck his head to hide how his ears are red. 

“I thought we agreed to that last night?” Doyoung asks. 

Morning Doyoung really is a different person, someone less meticulously put together, but also louder about what he wants, with the temper of a toddler. Jaehyun feels like he’s witnessing something private, something more private than the shower they shared last night. 

“Yeah, boyfriends,” Jaehyun agrees in a heartbeat, turning around with a fond smile. 

“Okay then, I’ll get going,” he says when he finally gathers himself, stealing one last glance at Doyoung before he’s out the door. 

∆

Driving the first free training turns out to be a waste of Jaehyun’s time. 

After a few laps the rain gets too heavy, and it’s no longer safe nor practical to continue. Jaehyun and Ten stand in the pit, tracksuits wet and dripping on the floorboards as Mark and Kun inspect the intermediate tires and discuss a possible switch.

Donghyuck complains loudly about it, but makes both of them strip, leaving Ten and Jaehyun sitting on a pit bench in their spandex suits. It gives Ten enough insight into Jaehyun’s evening, his neck on full display for him to gawk at. 

“Fucking hell,” Ten comments, “did you get mauled on the way here?” 

“Something like that,” Jaehyun hurries out, trying to silence him. 

He pulls at the fabric but it’s entirely unforgiving, suited to fit Jaehyun’s body and nothing more, not covering his neck no matter how hard he tries. 

“Mark said you weren’t at breakfast this morning,” Ten points out. 

“Mark needs to mind his own business,” Jaehyun argues. 

The weather clears up for the second training, and Jaehyun wonders if Doyoung is watching. If he’s really in bed, catching glimpses of Jaehyun out on the circuit. It’s the only motivation he needs to drive out all the laps, docking the car at the parc ferme with a good feeling, almost skipping his way back to the pit.

It rains on the way back to the hotel, England really living up to its standards. Once back at the hotel, Ten asks if he wants to have dinner, but Jaehyun declines the offer politely. He’d been looking forward to this evening, getting the chance to order room service and pamper himself with a nice long bath - a chance to finally be alone again. 

It’s not so bad, an evening alone - not when he has Doyoung’s shirt that he borrowed and he can put on when he’s fresh and clean. 

The shirt smells like Doyoung, and the plain white cotton makes Jaehyun feel so ordinary, like he doesn’t have qualifications tomorrow, like he’s just someone stealing his boyfriend’s shirt. 

He falls asleep with a smile on his face, thinking of Doyoung’s soft hands in his hair and lips on his neck. 

∆

Jaehyun qualifies sixth on Saturday, and it’s chaotic as always. 

They're missing a whole six crew members, all out with the flu, which makes the pit a lot less crowded and Jaehyun’s head more clear to observe.

He notices them all the time, but they’re never this obvious. 

Men that don’t wear their colour tracksuit, talking to Jaehyun’s manager about him, looking at him like he’s a doggy in a pet store window. Today the pit is so empty, he can’t help but see them in their tailored suits with their expensive watches.

He knows it’s only a matter of time now before he gets an offer. 

His stats are good, he’s consistently performing well. At this point it’s just the car that’s holding him back, and everyone knows it. Even Jaehyun himself feels the limitations of it, the engine failures a team with three times the budget wouldn’t have, the way he always wants more but there’s only so much this car can give him.

For Ten it’s different, even if they’re in the same car. 

Ten has already won his fair share of seasons. He’s had the peak of his career, and is still very much living with his head in the clouds - but the pressure is different. 

He’s no longer chasing for wins, only taking moments of luck when they’re given to him. 

Jaehyun’s fight is more hands on and he knows the other teams see it, a driver so fierce they can’t help but consider it, consider him. 

Silverstone circuit is a nice race. Jaehyun finishes sixth, just like he started, and calls it a day. Ten lost out on a podium spot but finished fourth, happy with the performance, eager to get out of here.

Mercedes wins, as they always do, and Jaehyun catches a glimpse of Doyoung in passing with another constructors trophy under his arm, talking loudly with another team member, someone Jaehyun only recognises as Baekhyun’s race engineer but doesn’t know by name. 

Doyoung doesn’t see him, but Jaehyun doesn’t expect him to. 

This is his job, his trophy and his win to celebrate - Jaehyun doesn’t need to be involved, and happily follows Ten back to the hotel that afternoon. They stop by a local restaurant to have some dinner, but Jaehyun doesn’t feel like eating much, still stuck in his pre race dinner pattern. 

“You should eat more,” Kun comments. “Mark’s worked so hard on the weights of your car this year, don’t ruin it for him.”

“I’ll put it back on next month” Jaehyun promises, thinking dreamily about the coming month. 

After Germany there will be four weeks of nothing until July races pick up. Even then in August they’re sparse, as it’s the closest thing they’re getting to a summer holiday. 

Jaehyun can’t wait.

As much as he’s excited to compete, Jaehyun also feels it wearing on him, the constant travelling and, of course, the races itself that take a toll on his body. He’s not quite as laid back as Ten, taking things as they go. 

It’s later in the evening and Jaehyun’s already packed his bags for the early morning flight, lounging lazily in his hotel room. He should probably sleep but he’s too lazy to get ready for bed and has been mindlessly scrolling on his phone for the past thirty minutes.

There’s a knock on his door and he’s afraid that he did order that room service while he was half passed out after all. 

It is not room service, as he concludes when he looks through the peephole and sees Doyoung there. 

“Hi,” Doyoung says breathlessly, cheeks a little red as he stands in Jaehyun’s doorway, hands in the pockets of his slacks. “I just wanted to say hi.” 

“Hi,” Jaehyun says back, smiling fondly. “Congratulations on your win.” 

“Thanks,” Doyoung breathes. “I worked really hard on it.” 

He's probably not even lying, but in passing it makes Jaehyun smile, because Doyoung can still count the races he’s lost this season on one hand.

“Do you want to come in?” Jaehyun asks, letting the door fall open a little further. 

Doyoung seems to consider his options, rocking back and forth on his feet before he makes a decision, stepping over the threshold into Jaehyun’s hotel room.

“I asked one of your crew for your room number,” Doyoung announces, taking the liberty of sitting down on the edge of Jaehyun’s bed. “Sorry if that causes you problems.” 

“That’s alright,” Jaehyun offers. 

It won’t cause problems - just strange looks. But that’s nothing he can’t live with. 

“You want something to drink?” Jaehyun asks, opening the mini bar and bending down to look into it. There’s nothing much but the standard, small bottles of liquor and two beers, a bag of peanuts and some fizzy drinks. 

“That’s not why I came here,” Doyoung says instead, Jaehyun stands back up, spins on his heel and watches Doyoung with anticipation. 

He puts his hands behind him, leaning back on the bed as the other hand works on loosening his tie. 

The sight alone sends a shiver down his spine. 

“Let me help you with that,” Jaehyun offers, stepping up closer between Doyoung’s spread legs, leaning down to gently untuck his tie, sliding it off through the collar of his shirt. “I’ll just put-” 

Jaehyun starts, attempting to fold up and put away the expensive tie, but Doyoung swats it right out of his hands. 

“No, Jaehyun,” Doyoung says, carefully caressing Jaehyun’s jaw to draw his attention back, locking eyes with him. There’s a daring look in Doyoung’s eyes, his lips parted in anticipation. “I want you to take everything else off too, and then I want to fuck you.” 

Jaehyun hopes the sound he makes isn’t too embarrassing, but he doesn’t know how fast to drop the tie or any thought of folding it up. 

He crashes their lips together, unrelenting in how needy he is now, swiping his tongue across Doyoung’s lip to taste him better. There’s a hint of victor's champagne on him and Jaehyun finds it so hot he gasps into Doyoung’s mouth. 

Doyoung’s hand is on his side, the other tangling in his hair as he draws him in closer, their lips bruising together eagerly. 

It’s hot and messy, and Jaehyun is so eager to have more as Doyoung’s hand starts to slip under his shirt, pressing his palm flat against Jaehyun’s tummy. His skin is so hot and Doyoung’s thumb brushing over his abs sends a cold shiver down his spine that tingles all the way out to his fingertips.

There’s something so hot about taking Doyoung out of his suit. 

He slides the suit jacket over his shoulders first, leaning back a little to fold it up properly, before giving up altogether and throwing it to the side, just in time for Doyoung to yank him back down and smash their lips together. It’s rough and wet and Jaehyun’s lips will be bruised tomorrow, but it’s so good he can’t stop, grinding his hips down against Doyoung.

The friction is good, his mind searing as he feels the outline of his cock press against the outline in Doyoung’s slacks, Doyoung wanting exactly the same, lifting his hips up to meet Jaehyun halfway. 

Jaehyun pushes his hands against Doyoung’s shoulders to carefully lie him down on the bed, leaning over him to start working on the buttons of his dress shirt. 

It’s an expensive fabric, a white cream pressed lightly, the buttons thin between Jaehyun’s fingers.

“Rip it,” Doyoung breathes out and Jaehyun doesn’t need to hear this twice, yanking on both ends of the shirt to split the buttons open down the middle. 

He pushes the sleeves down Doyoung’s side the best he can in this position, pulling away to lean back and get a good look at him. 

Arousal pools in Jaehyun’s belly as he takes in the sight, an angry stirring in his chest that fuels the need to have more of it. In this position, Jaehyun can easily take whatever he wants, gently trailing his hand down Doyoung’s chest until he reaches his abdomen, admiring the slim waist and his abdominal muscles, well defined but still soft in the curves.

Jaehyun has to remind himself to close his mouth and stop staring, instead shuffling down Doyoung’s lap a little to allow him to latch his mouth on Doyoung’s nipple. 

Doyoung’s whole body jerks, clearly not expecting the sudden touch, but keens beautifully once Jaehyun’s teeth graze his nipple and he starts sucking. He uses his hand to pinch Doyoung’s other nipple, Doyoung moaning filthily under the attention.

He trails his lips lower, pressing soft kisses to Doyoung’s tummy. He can feel Doyoung’s cock twitch in interest at the attention, and smiles triumphantly as he sits back up on his haunches, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. He softly trails his hand over the inside of Doyoung’s spread legs, a teasing but lingering touch. 

“Can I?” Jaehyun asks, hands stilling on the belt buckle of Doyoung’s slacks. 

Doyoung nods, letting Jaehyun’s hands fiddle with it to slide the leather through the loops, throwing a two thousand dollar belt on the floor casually. Jaehyun pays it no attention, hands eager to get Doyoung naked the rest of the way, and Doyoung helps him by lifting his hips to slide off his slacks. 

Now that Jaehyun finally has Doyoung naked in a comfortable bed rather than the sofa or shower, he gets to admire him a little better. 

His thighs are a work of art, strong and firm with muscle filling them out nicely. Jaehyun forgets what he’s doing and stills his hands, just squeezing the supple flesh. It’s pale and milky, a daring beauty mark on Doyoung’s left thigh standing out, and Jaehyun feels like a starved man when he sinks down and presses a kiss against Doyoung’s thigh. 

The kiss turns into a bruise when Jaehyun gently sucks on it, laving his tongue over the skin in between. It’s insanely hot, the way the muscles in Doyoung’s thighs strain under Jaehyun’s touch, and Jaehyun feels like he could do this for hours. He strokes over Doyoung’s cock through the fabric of his boxers, and Doyoung curses out loud. That alone is so stupidly hot that Jaehyun feels his own cock twitch in interest. There’s something so exclusive about getting to see Doyoung like this, naked and pliant, and how he reacts to Jaehyun’s touches - Jaehyun struggles to wrap his mind around that this is his _boyfriend_ and he gets to have it.

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung whines, and Jaehyun realises he’s drifted off, no longer moving his hand or his lips, merely teasing the skin of Doyoung’s thigh by breathing against it, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its wake. 

A little overwhelmed, Jaehyun seeks out the comfort of Doyoung’s lips for a soft kiss, allowing himself a moment to breathe. 

His hands settle on Doyoung’s slim waist. They’re small but on Doyoung’s pale skin they don’t look half as small, encircling his waist. 

“You’re so beautiful” Jaehyun murmurs, cheeks dusting red in shame, but he can’t keep it to himself, this is something that should be shouted from the rooftops - but only for Jaehyun’s eyes to see. 

Doyoung breathes heavily, kissing the corner of Jaehyun’s smile. 

There’s a moment of anticipation, where Jaehyun can practically feel Doyoung’s eyes on him, and Jaehyun holds his breath until he feels Doyoung’s arm on his shoulder, gently pushing him off and up the bed, far up enough for Doyoung to sit back between Jaehyun’s thighs, now towering over him. 

There’s nothing but fire coursing through Jaehyun’s veins as Doyoung’s hands settle on his hips. His hips are slim, Doyoung’s hands huge, and the contrast sends his head spinning with how much he _wants_. 

The sweatpants he has one come off easily, bunching down his thighs until he lifts his hips to help Doyoung get them off. His thighs aren’t defined like Doyoung’s, they’re the opposite, lithe and nimble, just the right amount of muscle to be able to drive, nothing less and nothing more. Doyoung can almost wrap his hand around his thigh, spreading them carefully using both his hands. 

Jaehyun feels a little vulnerable under Doyoung’s trained gaze, but is too turned on to think much about it, nearly jumping out of his skin when Doyoung’s hand _finally_ grazes past his cock. 

Doyoung puts a quick hand to his chest, pressing him back down against the mattress gently.

“Stay there,” Doyoung says attentively, voice laced with something so inherently authoritative, Jaehyun's hands curl in the sheets.

Doyoung’s leaning back to grab a pillow, tapping Jaehyun’s hips to signal him that he needs to lift them. Just as he does so, Doyoung swiftly yanks down his underwear in the same go, leaving him completely naked. 

He has no time to feel shy about it, Doyoung’s hand wrapping around his cock, stroking up and down at an agonizingly slow pace. Jaehyun knows better than to complain about it, holding his breath as he patiently waits - until his mind catches up with him, realising exactly where this is heading. 

“I don’t have-” he wants to start, but Doyoung reaches for his suit jacket and grabs a flimsy small packet of lube. 

Jaehyun raises his eyebrows but says nothing. He was going to say he didn’t have anything right _here_ , but Doyoung had anticipated this. It makes Jaehyun feel hot all over, thinking that Doyoung had this in his pocket all night as he walked around a luxurious dinner party. 

He rips the packet with his teeth, coating one finger right away and gently bringing it down to tease at Jaehyun’s opening. Jaehyun spreads his legs further, urging his hips up to open his thighs. 

Doyoung’s hand rests on his thigh, holding all of it in one hand, the touch leaving goosebumps on Jaehyun’s skin. 

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun whines impatiently, curling his hands in the bedsheets. 

Doyoung chuckles airily, brushing his hand over Jaehyun’s thigh to keep him still. Doyoung doesn’t let himself be rushed, gently circling Jaehyun’s rim with the tip of his finger. Jaehyun’s about to lose his mind, ready to start begging if Doyoung doesn’t move soon, and just when it’s becoming too much, Doyoung pushes one finger inside. 

Jaehyun throws his head to the side, exhaling shakily, an embarrassingly loud sound he tries to muffle in the pillow. Doyoung’s hand wraps around his cock again, stroking him in time with the finger he thrusts inside. 

“Did you…” Doyoung asks, probably realising what little resistance he’s meeting. 

Jaehyun blushes, biting his lip. 

“I was gonna say I have lube in the bathroom,” he murmurs.

Doyoung’s eyes narrow down on him. 

“Fingered myself in the shower,” he admits sheepishly, unable to keep to himself under Doyoung’s piercing stare. 

“Fuck,” Doyoung breathes, crooking his fingers up in such a way that that sends Jaehyun’s hips up the pillow, choking on his breath. 

“That’s hot,” Doyoung adds, pushing another finger in gently. It’s a little bit of a stretch, Doyoung’s hands much bigger than Jaehyun’s own, but Jaehyun keens happily, pushing his hips down to meet the thrusts. “What did you think about hm, getting off in the shower?”. 

Jaehyun’s forgotten how to answer, the new angle of Doyoung’s fingers pressing right on his prostate, his hands tingling from pleasure where they grip the sheets so tightly his knuckles turn white. 

“Hm?” Doyoung asks again, but Jaehyun’s struggling to form any coherent words, gasping each time Doyoung’s fingers curl up like that. “Answer me, Jaehyun,” the hand on his cock stills completely, fingers just gently sliding in and out, nothing but a tease.

“You,” Jaehyun croaks out, panting. “You, thought about you, please Doyoung-” he stresses, hoping he’ll get the message across, cutting himself off with a moan. 

Doyoung presses in a little harder, tightening his hold on Jaehyun’s cock and jerking him off again, now in quick fast strokes. 

He closes his eyes, letting the pleasure wash over him in waves. When Doyoung dribbles a little more lube on his fingers, teasing a third one at his entrance, his hips stutter a little, fighting to keep them down. He does his best, but feels entirely unprepared when Doyoung leans down to take his cock down into his mouth as he fucks in a third finger gently. His hips shoot up, moaning out filthily. 

“If you don’t stay still I will make you,” Jaehyun’s brain nearly breaks with the implication of it. Doyoung might fuck him stupid after all, still teasing with his fingers and tearing soft noises from his throat.

It requires a lot of self control, but Jaehyun manages to keep his hips down against the pillow as Doyoung works his fingers in and out, tension coiling so tightly in Jaehyun’s gut he has no idea how he’s going to last long enough for Doyoung to actually fuck him. 

“Please fuck me,” Jaehyun urges, voice breaking halfway through. 

A sigh of defeat spills past his lips when Doyoung’s mouth sinks down further to take him down all the way, tip of his cock hitting the back of Doyoung’s throat. Doyoung hums, the vibrations sending little jolts of electricity down Jaehyun’s spine. 

Doyoung pulls off, withdrawing his fingers as he sits himself between Jaehyun’s spread thighs. From the inside pocket of his suit Doyoung grabs another wrapper that he tears with his teeth, only after he wipes his spit slicked lips with the back of his hand. 

He drizzles the last lube out after he rolls down the condom, nudging Jaehyun’s thighs a little further apart, positioning himself at Jaehyun’s entrance. Jaehyun’s breathing is heavy, Doyoung isn't much better as he puts one hand on Jaehyun’s thigh to keep him still. Doyoung slides into him slowly, hissing under his breath as he slowly inches inside. Jaehyun clenches hard around him, watching as Doyoung’s mouth falls open and his eyes screw shut in pleasure. 

Doyoung’s hands tremble where they rest on Jaehyun’s hips, keeping him pressed flush against him, buried to the hilt inside him as he tries to get used to the feeling. Jaehyun’s just about to start begging, when Doyoung pulls out and snaps his hips back again. 

Jaehyun feels like he could melt into the mattress, every thrust of Doyoung’s timed so well, slow but so hard and aimed perfectly. In an incoherent murmur Jaehyun asks for it faster, and Doyoung grunts, leaning forward slightly to plant one hand on each side of Jaehyun’s head to cage him in. With this angle the slide is easier, thrusts deeper and faster. 

The pleasure is everywhere, white hot and coursing through his veins. It’s everywhere, but it’s still not enough and Jaehyun clenches down around him, trying to pull Doyoung in deeper, moving his hips down to meet his thrust. The airily gasp Doyoung lets out gives Jaehyun a sense of relief, knowing that he’s not the only one overwhelmed.

Doyoung leans up, puts his hands on Jaehyun’s knees, forcing them further back to get a better angle, slamming his hips down faster. 

Jaehyun gasps, arching his back off the bed and hastily reaching out to grab a fistful of Doyoung’s hair, drawing him down far enough to smash their lips together. Their teeth clash messily, but neither of them care as Jaehyun eagerly thrusts his tongue into Doyoung’s mouth, wanting to taste him and feel him everywhere. 

One particular hard thrust has Jaehyun gasping into Doyoung’s mouth, hands grabbing his shoulders so tightly to get him close. His body is begging for release after being teased for so long, and he’s not going to last much longer. His thighs quiver when Doyoung leans down, laps at his neck and breathes into this ear. 

“Jaehyun,” he grunts out, hands gripping the sheets next to Jaehyun’s hair. 

“I’m-” he starts, cutting himself off with the sheer force of his thrusts, a sloppy rhythm that makes everything white behind Jaehyun’s eyelids. 

He’s so impossibly close that all it takes is Doyoung’s hand reaching down to grab his cock before he’s coming all over himself. Doyoung’s one second behind, thrusting in so deep Jaehyun cries out as Doyoung finishes inside the condom. 

It rings in Jaehyun’s ears, all throughout the silence of his hotel room. He can’t hear anything but that and the rhythmic beating in his chest, together with the panting as they try to catch their breath. It’s a pleasant moment in which it’s just them, enjoying each other’s heat, everything else falling short. Jaehyun doesn’t think about the flight he has tomorrow morning or the race he didn’t win today, it’s just Doyoung and his hands on his thighs as he slowly pulls out. 

Doyoung gets up, disappearing into the bathroom to return with a towel and wet cloth. Jaehyun attempts to yank it out of his hands, eager to wipe himself down, but Doyoung holds it steady and sits down on his knees next to Jaehyun, carefully wiping down his naked body. 

Jaehyun tilts his head back, enjoying the attention - wincing slightly when Doyoung grazes past his spent cock. Doyoung wipes him down until he feels cleaner, returning to the bathroom to get rid of the towel. 

He hears Doyoung go around his hotel room, and for a split second he worries that Doyoung’s getting dressed and ready to go. His hands sink into the suit jacket next to him on bed, thinking he’ll hold it hostage if his assumptions turn out to be true, but the worry vanishes when the bed dips next to him and Doyoung returns. 

He grabs some pillows, bunching them up to serve as a backrest before he helps Jaehyun sit up. The two water bottles he’d retrieved from the fridge are placed on the nightstand. 

“There’s literally tap water,” Jaehyun complains as Doyoung uncaps one of the overpriced chilled water bottles and hands it over to him.

“Send me your bill,” Doyoung hums, chuckling as he takes the other water bottle for himself. 

He settles back down against Jaehyun, sneaking under the covers where Jaehyun is still very much naked. 

“I’ll send you the plastic soup in the ocean,” Jaehyun jokes, finishing the bottle and putting the empty plastic down on his nightstand. 

“You drive cars for fun and you’re worried about the plastic soup,” Doyoung states, ruffling Jaehyun’s hair playfully. “You’re cute.” 

Jaehyun grumbles something unintelligible, happily settling against Doyoung’s naked and warm chest, serving as personal heater where the blanket ends around his waist. Jaehyun’s eyes flutter shut at some point, the steady rise and fall of Doyoung’s chest a comfortable lullaby, but Doyoung remains awake, the light from his phone screen prickling Jaehyun’s lids. 

“What’re you doin,” Jaehyun slurs, opening his eyes and blinking to make sense of the screen.

“When are you flying out to Germany?” Doyoung asks. 

“Tomorrow morning,” Jaehyun breathes, hating to remind himself that he has a flight at eight a.m. “In like eight hours,” he adds.

Doyoung laughs. “Fat chance,” he breathes, scrolling further on his phone. 

“Go to sleep,” Jaehyun drawls sleepily, trying to slap away Doyoung’s phone and get all attention back on himself. 

“I’m changing my flights, baby,” Doyoung explains after another moment of scrolling and typing. Jaehyun’s eyes open fully at this, tilting his head to the side to get a good look at Doyoung. “I wasn’t flying out until Friday, but I’ll be there tomorrow.” 

Jaehyun’s heart seizes in his chest, thrumming happily. 

They exchange details on where Jaehyun is staying, and Doyoung books himself the same hotel. Jaehyun will tell Ten it’s just a coincidence, but nothing about Doyoung is just that. Jaehyun doesn’t believe in fate, has worked too hard all his life to let it succumb to that - but meeting Doyoung, that must have been written in the stars. 

**SEPTEMBER 2013**

The race in Monza is awful.

A combination of exhaustion, bad luck, terrible weather conditions and an engine problem means Jaeyun has to retire the car after forty laps, his team deciding that a continued race is going to do more damage than good. 

He’s bitter and pissed about it, grumbling as he returns to sit with his team to watch the rest of the race. He talks to a reporter, but he has very few words of substance to spare for them. In fact, he has very little to say to anyone, so he sits quietly and reruns the laps in his head. 

Donghyuck sits down next to him, paying more attention to Mark in the pitlane rather than the screen playing the race in front of him. 

“Sucks to be you,” Donghyuck says, patting his shoulder comfortingly. Jaehyun grumbles something unintelligible, not in the mood to talk about it. 

“It happens,” Jaehyun says resolutely, having nothing else to offer. He’ll get angry about it in the private confines of his hotel room, not where everyone’s watching. 

“It’s not on you,” Donghyuck says. He doesn’t have to be told that, he _knows_ that. But it still falls on _his_ shoulders and still weighs him down. It’s not fair, but neither is retiring your car after you’ve pushed it for forty laps. 

Jaehyun wishes he was better at it, at losing and forgiving himself for it. Ten said it came with age, but he was reluctant to believe it. The more experienced he got, the more complicated his losses became. They feel heavier when there’s more to lose, the bitter taste in his mouth worse when he _knows_ it matters. 

“Did you want to get dinner tonight with me and Ten?” Donghyuck asks.

He’s thankful for the offer, he really is - but he has no energy left, let alone social energy. He shakes his head, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

“I’m tired, my back hurts and my head hurts. I just want to wait out the race and go back to the hotel,” he complains, massaging the stiff joints of his neck.

“You speak like an eighty year old man,” Donghyuck snorts. “I’ll tell Ten you said no.” 

When Jaehyun returns to the hotel he heads straight for the shower, spends a rough minute cursing that there’s no bathtub in this hotel, before changing into his pyjamas and getting in bed. He turns on the TV for background noise, but doesn’t listen to any of it.

He messages Ten a quick congratulations on his P4, asking him to drink an extra glass for him over dinner, apologising that he can’t be there. The only thing Jaehyun wants to celebrate tonight is a good night’s sleep, one he’s hoping to get once he turns his phone off and gets in bed.

Except someone knocks on the door and interrupts his plan. He checks to see who it is before he opens, mortified when he realises that it’s Doyoung and that he’d forgotten their date tonight. 

Just before the race Doyoung had texted him, asking if he wanted to have dinner after the race. Jaehyun hadn’t really had any hopes for today, so he thought he’d be free to go out after the race. It turns out he is, except he’s in pyjamas in his hotel room. 

He opens the door, blushing all the way up to his ears.

“I’m sorry,” he starts. “I had a bad day and I went straight to bed, I forgot we had plans-”

“Hi,” Doyoung says first, stepping inside and closing the door behind him. He’s a little overdressed compared to Jaehyun. He takes a good look at him, chuckling to himself. “You clean up nice.”

“I can get changed if you still want to go out,” Jaehyun offers, but Doyoung shakes his head and takes off his jacket, hanging it over a chair. 

“That’s okay, I figured you wouldn’t be up for it after the day you’ve had,” he says. 

Jaehyun feels bad, not only because his back hurts and his head is pounding and he didn’t finish the race today, but now also because he let Doyoung down. 

“Have you eaten yet?” Doyoung asks, looking at Jaehyun hopefully.

Jaehyun shakes his head.

“Good, do you mind if I stay? We can order in,” Doyoung asks.

Jaehyun really doesn’t think he’ll be great company in his current state, but he agrees nonetheless. If he doesn’t eat to recover from today, he will feel even worse tomorrow. 

“Sure,” he offers. 

“Wait,” Doyoung says to himself, seeing the state of his hotel room. The open bedsheets and the low light from his nightstand are a dead giveaway that he was about to go to sleep. “Were you going to sleep already?”

“Kinda,” Jaehyun admits shamefully. “I wasn’t feeling too well, so I thought I could sleep it off.”

Doyoung looks at him with sad eyes, stepping up to pull him into a hug. Jaehyun closes his eyes and deflates against Doyoung’s chest, inhaling his cologne and a scent that is so distinctly _him_. It’s comfortable, the soothing way that Doyoung runs his hand over his back, touching all the sore muscles he tired out today. 

He winches a little when he pulls back, rolling his shoulders carefully in an attempt to soothe out the ache.

“D’you wanna talk about it?” Doyoung asks, but Jaehyun shakes his head. 

“My head hurts too much to talk,” he admits. 

“Oh baby, come here,” Doyoung murmurs, pulling him back into his arms. He rubs his hand down Jaehyun’s spine, gently teasing the knots in his back that are aching for release. “You’re so tense,” Doyoung says, reaching his other hand up to play with Jaehyun’s hair. 

Jaehyun closes his eyes, allows himself to get lost in the feeling as he zones out, forgetting everything about today and how awful it’s been. 

Doyoung’s hand in his hair is a calming gentle pat that smoothes over the worried ridges in his thoughts. He relaxes into the touch, so much that his knees nearly give in, which would be unfortunate given they’re still standing by the door. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well, I would’ve come over right away,” Doyoung asks, as he walks Jaehyun back to his bed.

Jaehyun grimaces as Doyoung sets him down, uncomfortable now that the soothing touches have stopped.

“I didn’t wanna bother you,” Jaehyun admits, too tired to lie. 

Doyoung sighs but he says nothing else, leaving Jaehyun’s bedside briefly to return with a glass of water and some Tylenol.

“You should have some, you’ll feel a little better,” Doyoung says, helping Jaehyun sit up enough to get a sip of water and swallow the pills. “Anything in particular you want to eat?”

“Carbs,” Jaehyun whines. Finally after two hectic weeks of racing he will get some days off in between where he can feel like a human again. That, and he just lost three kilos of fluids, he can afford to put on some weight. 

“Alright,” Doyoung says.

Jaehyun remains in bed while Doyoung makes the room service call. 

“Is there anything else you want?” Doyoung asks when he comes back to Jaehyun’s bedside.

There is. Jaehyun bites his lip to keep from saying it, afraid that it’ll make him look too needy. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Doyoung or think he won't indulge him if he asks to be held, but sometimes Jaehyun’s still afraid he’s simply too clingy, too _young_.

“No,” he says, “I’m sorry for this,” he apologises again. 

“Don’t be,” Doyoung says decisively, but Jaehyun shakes his head.

“Today was bad,” Jaehyun says dejectedly. Bad is still an understatement, but now that he’s no longer alone, beating _himself_ up about it, it’s a little lighter than it had felt when he left the circuit. 

“These things happen,” Doyoung says, grabbing his hand. 

“I didn’t want to ruin our plans,” Jaehyun explains. He just doesn’t want to let Doyoung down, just like he let everyone else down today at the circuit. 

“You didn’t ruin our plans,” Doyoung corrects him, “or are you saying you want me to go?”

“Please stay,” Jaehyun says embarrassingly fast. 

“Of course,” Doyoung promises, squeezing his hand. “Days like this are going to happen, you can’t always be lucky.” 

“More like my engine can’t always be lucky,” Jaehyun grumbles. 

“Exactly, you’re not the car, it’s not your fault you didn’t finish today,” Doyoung points out. 

Jaehyun rolls his bottom lip between his teeth, considering Doyoung’s words. He’s right - it’s not his fault that the car isn’t doing what he’s asking, but it _is_ his problem, and he will fault himself for it until it’s solved.

“How’s your head?” Doyoung asks a moment later, feeling his forehead. 

Jaehyun shrugs. It’s not really gotten any better, but at least now he has a distraction, and the pain feels more like background noise than the stabbing ache he came home with. 

“It’s not so bad, my back is worse,” Jaehyun says. 

“Alright, turn around for me and I’ll take a look at it,” Doyoung says. At first, Jaehyun’s pretty clueless what Doyoung is asking for, but then he pats Jaehyun’s hip reassuringly and he takes the hint. He carefully stretches out on his front, nestling his head against the pillow. 

Doyoung’s hand gently traces the joints of his neck, brushing down to his lower back and coming back up. It’s a soft warming touch, but it offers very little relief to the pain in his back. 

“Half a million dollars and they can’t even make the seats a little comfortable,” Doyoung muses, gently pressing on Jaehyun’s neck. Jaehyun hisses, his back so tense his muscles strain against his skin. It’s been hurting for days now, but he’s only realising how bad it is now that he’s allowing himself to relax. 

Doyoung carefully nudges his thumbs down against his skin, pushing against the muscles. Jaehyun exhales shakily, closing his eyes as Doyoung’s hands keep massaging his back. It’s a little painful, and Jaehyun whines out in discomfort from time to time. Still, Doyoung knows what he’s doing, his hands just the right combination of rough and gentle until Jaehyun’s spine feels a little loosened, a little less painful to move. 

When Doyoung’s hands let up he thanks him, but the words go muffled in the pillow that he buries his head in, stretching out his neck. 

“You should see your physical therapist more often, this only gets worse with time,” Doyoung mentions. Jaehyun makes a mental note to do so, as Doyoung answers the door to receive the room service. 

Jaehyun’s mouth waters at the sight of food, suddenly a lot hungrier now that it’s in front of him. They enjoy it in bed, watching an Italian tv show without subtitles. As they don’t understand the dialogue, they make half of it up and laugh about it. 

“How’s your head feel now?” Doyoung asks after dinner, the worried look returning to his face. Jaehyun almost feels guilty for putting it there, if he had any energy left for that. 

“Better,” Jaehyun admits, the food and medication doing its job, “my back’s a lot better too, how do you know how to do that?”

“Trial and error I guess,” Doyoung chuckles. “Ask Ten, he says I nearly broke his back once.”

“I didn’t know you were close,” Jaehyun says. 

“We weren’t close. We didn’t have a chiropractor and Ten couldn’t sit up straight. Google goes a long way,” Doyoung explains.

Maybe the personal vendetta Ten has against him makes sense now. 

“Thank you anyways,” Jaehyun murmurs. His eyes are getting a little heavy, much to his embarrassment, because he sees it’s just after nine p.m. Now that the headache is gone and his back feels intact, he’s starting to feel the fatigue. 

“Do you wanna go to sleep?” Doyoung asks, stroking his hand down the side of Jaehyun’s face.

“It’s early,” Jaehyun complains, but he’s not saying no.

“You look like you need it,” Doyoung argues. Jaehyun knows he’s right, but he still feels a little defeated. 

“You’ll stay, right?” He asks again, referring to the rest of the night. He doesn’t mean for it to come out so desperately, but he’s too tired to think much of it. 

“Of course baby,” Doyoung promises.

When Jaehyun’s done brushing his teeth, he curls up on his bed and patiently waits for Doyoung to join him. The bed doesn’t feel as cold as it had been earlier this evening, not when he has the promise of Doyoung staying the night. 

It doesn’t mean the overthinking spares him, an agonising thought of today’s failure shooting through his head the moment he allows himself to think back to it. He couldn’t drive his car over the finish line, and now he’s going to bed at nine p.m. It’s not what he promised himself, his team, or Doyoung. The list of people he’s letting down just keeps growing. 

The thoughts keep repeating until Doyoung gets in bed with him. Doyoung’s warm body under the covers makes the cold mattress feel a little more pleasant. Carefully he wraps his arms around Jaehyun’s shoulders, pulling him into the heat of his chest. 

“Is this okay?” He asks, Doyoung’s hand stroking gently up and down his back. 

“It’s fine,” Jaehyun says. 

He relaxes into Doyoung’s embrace, exhaling deeply as he closes his eyes. He feels small in Doyoung’s arms, and tonight he’s not going to deny himself the pleasure of enjoying it. Their height difference isn’t much, but Doyoung still makes him feel so safe and taken care of when he’s held like this. 

It’s a foreigin feeling to him that he's struggled to accept at first. Jaehyun never had anyone taking care of him like this, loving and caring yet understanding for what he can’t change. 

It’s not just the physical affection, it’s the words, the promises, the way he’s taken care of him all night. If it hadn’t been for Doyoung he would have still been beating himself up for today and probably spent the better part of the night wide awake thinking about it.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun murmurs, hoping it gets the message across. He shyly looks up, meeting his boyfriend’s eyes. Doyoung looks right back at him, catching him with a blush.

He cranes his neck a little, as much as the pain will allow him, and reaches up to kiss him. It’s slow and languid, Jaehyun admittedly too tired to do much more, but he still pulls away a little breathless, his heart fluttering in his chest. 

Eager to get another taste, Jaehyun kisses him again, this time grabbing Doyoung’s shirt for leverage to pull him down closer. He feels the discomfort shoot through his back the moment he tries to do so, pulling away in a hiss of pain. 

“Hey, shh,” Doyoung hushes him, gently stroking his back again. Jaehyun rests his head back down against Doyoung’s chest in defeat, whining pitifully. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun apologises again, for the cancelled plans, for the race he didn’t win or the early night in they really weren’t planning for, and now also because he can’t even kiss Doyoung properly without his back complaining.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Doyoung promises, still rubbing his back comfortably. “Try to get some sleep, you’ll feel better in the morning,” Doyoung urges, and Jaehyun thinks he might be right. 

With a soft breath he closes his eyes, nuzzling into Doyoung’s chest to get more comfortable. He just registers Doyoung kissing his head and whispering goodnight, but he’s too far gone to say it back and falls asleep. 

∆

Jaehyun wakes up early that next day, the sun peaking through the glant in the curtains. His head feels much lighter, and when he looks up to check the time his back muscles don’t strain half as bad as yesterday. 

It’s just after eight, but his biological clock and the faint sunlight had decided that ten hours of sleep was plenty. 

Doyoung is still sleeping. His eyes are closed and he’s breathing softly, lips parted and slightly chapped. It’s Jaehyun’s favourite sight to wake up to, even if Doyoung drools in his sleep and his pillow is wet. 

Jaehyun looks at him for a moment, letting himself enjoy the sight. He doesn’t get this much, uninterrupted moments where he watches Doyoung, especially not a Doyoung that’s sleeping so peacefully, only his to admire. 

It’s still early in the morning. Jaehyun’s got another day in Monza, with no obligations other than the drive back home tonight. Doyoung probably has a flight home today and they won’t see each other again until they’re back in Singapore in two weeks. Jaehyun’s a little gloomy at the thought, so he makes sure to steal another glance at him. He’ll save it for later when they’re apart. 

He tries not to think about it too much - the time they have to spend apart. Jaehyun feels too clingy and overbearing when he does, but it still lingers in the back of his mind. He’s grateful for the weekends they get to spend together, but it’s limited to just that, and since their meetings are sparse it puts certain pressure on all of them to be perfect.

Last night had not been. Quite contrary, Jaehyun had ruined the plans they had. Secretly he enjoyed it, having Doyoung’s full attention for all of the night. He didn’t want fancy dinners or exciting dates, as fun as they were - he preferred this, the quiet domesticity that he couldn’t get anywhere else. Falling asleep and waking up next to Doyoung was as good as any date could be. 

“Good morning,” Doyoung says suddenly. Jaehyun didn’t hear him waking up and is a little startled by the sudden sound.

“Hi,” he breathes back, smiling fondly when he meets Doyoung’s sleepy gaze. 

“What time is it?” Doyoung says, closing his eyes again as he stretches his arms above his head. 

“Just past eight,” Jaehyun says. “When are you leaving?” 

“Hm, flights tonight at nine,” Doyoung murmurs. Jaehyun feels a little relieved. “What about you?” 

“Tonight,” Jaehyun says. “I’ll have to ask Ten when we’re leaving,” he adds, grimacing when he thinks back to yesterday and the race he lost. 

“So we have all day,” Doyoung says, and Jaehyun perks up in interest again. 

They do have all day, or at least that’s what it feels like. They spend another hour in bed together, making soft small talk and lazily kissing in between. After showering together and getting dressed, they do _finally_ head out for breakfast together. 

Jaehyun feels much better now that the race from yesterday isn’t so fresh in his memory, but he still can’t help but bring it up.

“I’m sorry about last night,” Jaehyun apologises. “I know we had plans, and I really wanted to see you. I just…. forgot,” he admits sheepishly, looking down in shame. 

“I told you last night that it’s fine,” Doyoung says. They’re having brunch at a local cafe, the atmosphere quiet and cozy. There are no people around to recognise Jaehyun, and it’s surprisingly mundane - just two people out on a date. 

“I know you said that,” Jaehyun says, “but I wanted to spend time with you. I know we don’t get to see each other a lot, and I ruined it-” he goes on, wanting to apologise for it all, hoping he gets across to Doyoung just how sorry he is about last night, but Doyoung interrupts his panic. 

“Hey, hey, look at me,” Jaehyun falls silent and looks up at Doyoung. “You don’t owe me an apology Jaehyun. If you have a bad day I want to be there for you, I want to take care of you.” 

_Take care of you_. Jaehyun’s heart aches in his chest. It’s exactly what he wanted to hear, except maybe even better, because he didn’t have to ask. Doyoung is offering it, and all he has to do is say yes. 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun says instead. There’s something more he wants to say but chooses to keep to himself. 

“Don’t thank me,” Doyoung points out, but he looks at Jaehyun fondly. “You’d do the same for me.” 

Jaehyun _would_ do the same for him in a heartbeat. He knows that he would, but that’s also what scares him - Doyoung doesn’t have to ask him for anything, he gives everything without inhibition. He always wants more, and he always takes just what Doyoung gives, asking for nothing more.

Maybe that’s enough, because this is enough - nights spent together and getting breakfast in the morning, things like that _are_ enough. Jaehyun thinks he’ll still always want more, but it’s a healthy need, one of curiosity and not desperation. 

**NOVEMBER 2013**

The end of the season creeps closer. 

Jaeyhun’s not dissatisfied with what he’s done. Saying so would be a lie, and yet he plucks at the seam of his suit anxiously as he waits in the pit, ignoring Donghyuck’s glare telling him to stop. 

With his current points he’s looking at a solid sixth spot in the rankings. 

It’s not bad - it’s better than any driver his age has ever done, but the ranking doesn’t mean much if Jaehyun doesn’t feel satisfied with it. As a runner-up to the top five, Jaehyun is not satisfied.

He’s not the problem - the car is. 

The car isn’t a problem because of their team, but because of the lacking budget and the consistent engine failures Jaehyun manages to drag out of it, clearly not suited for what Jaehyun wants. 

It’s frustrating, each time he retires because he has no power and no new engine settings can fix the problem. 

He tries not to take it out on his team, because it’s none of their doing - they’re all just doing their best. No one’s going to get any better by Jaehyun telling them their best is not enough, but the tension hangs in the air and in Abu Dhabi Jaehyun nearly gives up, losing his P5 starting spot to the worst start he’s ever had. 

So the tension is there and he knows they all feel it, the pit atmosphere suffocating the moment Jaehuyn returns from the debrief. 

He waits anxiously, his team leader looking back and forth between him and a pile of documents as he’s on the phone. Suddenly he stands up, gesturing for Jaehuyn to come over. He obeys quickly, eager to get out of the tense atmosphere in the room as he follows his team leader.

He leads him down a hallway in silence, heading into one of the meeting rooms. 

They sit down around the table, followed by some discussion that goes right over Jaehyun’s head. It’s not until they pull out the official papers and Jaehyun sees the logo at the bottom that he really comprehends what’s going on - or how serious it is.

Jaehyun’s team lead signs him away reluctantly, shooting him a sharp glance, but Jaehyun doesn’t look him back in the eyes, eager to get his signature on the dashed line. 

It’s different from the signature he set two years ago, now sharp yet eased. 

Starting next year, Jaehyun will be driving for Red Bull Racing. 

Jaehyun’s so excited he can barely keep himself seated for the rest of the meeting, only supplying short answers or nods wherever necessary. When they decide to end the meeting and shake hands, Jaehyun doesn’t know how fast to excuse himself. 

He sprints through the corridors backstage, most people still around from the debrief and setting up their pits for tomorrow. 

He passes his own pit, thinking he can tell his team later - jogs past the Red Bull Racing crew, the people that will be _his_ crew starting next year, running all the way until he’s standing right outside of Mercedes’ pit, searching out the one person he can’t wait to tell. 

Doyoung’s busy, scribbling out notes on a notepad as he sits down with Baekhyun. It’s Luhan who sees him first, nudging Doyoung casually to draw his attention up, finally landing on Jaehyun. 

Over the course of their developing relationship, Jaehyun had asked for privacy, keeping what they did and who they were outside of the workfloor. Here they knew each other as Kim Doyoung Mercedes’ Aerodynamic Engineer and Jung Jaehyun Racer, because that’s how Jaehyun preferred it. He was convinced he needed the separation to maintain his focus.

Moments like this are where it starts to get blurry, where Jaehyun’s uncertain where work ends and his personal life starts, or if maybe there’s no point to separating them at all. 

He abandons all the rules they’ve set and mentions for Doyoung to come over. Reluctantly Doyoung gets up, putting his work down and maneuvering through the packed room to reach Jaehyun in the doorway.

“Hey,” Jaehyun says, slotting his hand around Doyoung’s wrist and tugging him down the hallway. 

They turn a corner to a dead end, and Jaehyun considers it enough privacy to whip out his copy of the contract he just signed and shoved into the inside of his tracksuit. The paper is warm and a little crumpled from his amateur storage, but that doesn't make it any less real.

Doyoung’s eyes go from confused, to surprised, to focused as he reads it through, jaw slack as he stares back up at Jaehyun. 

There’s a moment of hesitation, Doyoung looking over Jaehyun’s shoulder to ensure it’s just them before he throws his arms around Jaehyun’s neck. 

They hug each other long and hard, rocking back and forth as Jaehyun lets it all overwhelm him. Not that he’s racing with one of the best teams in the competition starting next year, but that he gets to share his happiness here with Doyoung.

“I’m so proud of you,” Doyoung whispers into his ear, a hitch of emotion to his voice that Jaehyun is hesitant to place. It’s loaded with feelings they’ve barely touched upon, but that he feels heavy in his heart in moments like this.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun whispers back. They’re still holding onto each other, a comfortable hug that neither wants to end. “I’m not allowed to tell people until they announce it, but I-”

 _But you’re the most important person to me, and I can’t_ not _share it with you_. It goes unsaid, but Jaehyun feels it with every breath he takes as he buries his face in Doyoung’s neck. 

“Your secret’s safe with me,” Doyoung promises when they pull apart. Jaehyun believes him in a heartbeat, smiling fondly as he takes the papers back from Doyoung and stuffs them into his suit. 

“Let’s celebrate tonight,” Doyoung promises. He whispers something about room service and the hot tub in the bathroom of their hotel room, and Jaehyun’s knees are going weak just with the implications of it. 

What they have is fragile and by no means perfect, but it’s enough for Jaehyun that he gets to share something like this with him, that the only person he wants to share it with is Doyoung. 

It’s just a couple months of stolen moments and long hotel nights in foreign countries, but Jaehyun wouldn’t trade it for the world. Meeting Doyoung in this whirlwind had helped him make sense of it all, and ground him to something that was real. 

It made him feel a resemblance of normal he didn’t know he could find in this world that was so fast yet demanding, and in moments very terrifying. 

But with Doyoung next to him, holding his hands as he gushes about his new contract - he thinks he won’t have to be afraid at all. 

∆

Ten is happy for him, but it’s tough love.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me,” he complains over a bottle of rose in a small local restaurant in Sao Paulo. 

They are enjoying their last weekend as teammates. After all, the past two years Jaehyun had found not just a teammate and a second driver in Ten, but also a good friend. 

“I’m still going to see you every race,” Jaehyun points out, but Ten whines dramatically, throwing his head back at Jaehyun’s excuses. 

“That is not the same and you know it,” Ten complains. In the silence that follows his face turns serious. “I’m proud of you.”

Jaehyun bites his tongue, awaiting the rest of Ten’s speech, but nothing comes. 

“We don’t have to do this…” he says, gesturing between them, and the remnants of a long and supportive speech hangs in the air. 

Ten laughs. 

“Good, because that’s really all I have to say. I’m proud, and I’m convinced you’re going to make it far with them.” 

Yes. 

Jaehyun really hopes he will. 

Ten’s words are another pile of high expectations he easily straps to his back, already weighed down with a whole new team that’s anticipating him.

“They still have Nakamoto as a race engineer, he’s good. He’s with Jongin, right?” 

Jaehyun’s swallows. “He’s with me.” 

He hadn’t actually met Yuta Nakamoto, but he’d read through the contract mentioning the crew and which team members would be appointed to him. 

“Oh,” Ten says, mouth forming an ‘o’ shape as he stares. “He’s their best and they gave him to you?” 

Jaehyun fiddles with the sleeves of his sweater. 

He knew it looked like a lot, Jaehyun being signed as their lead driver, taking their best resources. He also knows that Ten had met him as a rookie, someone who barely knew what they were doing - and that to him, this might look like _too much_. 

Of course Jaehyun had some doubts about it, if he was worth all that - but money didn’t lie and if Redbull Racing wants to put their money on him, then they obviously see something that Jaehyun might not see yet. 

“That’s something,” Ten says, a small look of disbelief still present on his face. “My little Jaehyunnie, going places.” 

While he’s teasing there's also a fondness to his voice that has Jaehyun’s heart searing. 

“Don’t forget me when you’re at the top,” Ten adds. 

“How could I ever forget you?” Jaehyun asks dramatically and Ten laughs as he pours them another glass. 

“I’m just saying, when you marry that millionaire I better get an invitation to your wedding,” Ten teases and Jaehyun rolls his eyes. 

“Promise, you’ll be my best man,” Jaehyun jokes. 

“Only if you’re mine,” Ten returns, and Jaehyun agrees in a heartbeat. 

Racing is not a team sport, you have to do everything on your own. With people like Ten and Doyoung around, Jaehyun thinks it might not be so lonely after all. 


	3. 2014 - 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: implied panic attacks, major injury, medical procedures/surgery, explicit sexual content, sex under the influence of alcohol

**JANUARY 2014**

Jaehyun’s new manager picks him up from the airport. 

He can say that now, _his_ manager. Signing with Red Bull Racing came with a plethora of benefits and an even longer list of obligations, one of them being a manager. A person full time employed to _manage_ him - he still finds it hard to believe. 

Moon Taeil is a kind man, small but very efficient and straightforward in his communication. Jaehyun had liked him the moment they’d met at his new home, the Red Bull racing headquarters in Milton Keynes, not too far away from London. Taeil had arranged the practicalities of Jaehyun’s transfer. His apartment in Faenza would be packed into boxes, unpacked in one of the crew apartments onsite. 

Taeil had arranged for all of that and then some, telling Jaehyun that these are the kinds of things he handles and that he shouldn’t be ashamed to ask for them. 

Around an office table in one of the stuffy meeting rooms, he’d also met the rest of his teammates.

Sicheng, his lead engineer and Lee Taemin, his onsite engineer. Taemin was nothing like Mark, mysterious and polite as he introduced himself - shy and reserved, but no better than Jaehyun, who felt starstruck all over again to meet his new team. 

Yuta had been thirty minutes late to the meeting, but boldly excused himself that his piece of shit car wasn’t starting this morning and that it was time for a raise so he could afford something better. Sicheng had kindly pointed out that he should ask Jaehyun to give it his best shot this year and land Yuta some winning bonuses. 

Only then had Yuta realised that Jaehyun was in fact there and apologised again as he properly introduced himself. 

“Yuta,” was what he’d said and Jaehyun had forgone any politeness and introduced himself by his first name too. “Good to meet you. I’m your radio host.”

“Yuta wanted to be a radio DJ,” Sicheng explains, rolling his eyes as he makes a vague gesture in Yuta’s direction. 

“But I was too bland for performance art,” he laughs. 

The meeting goes from fun and casual to serious in an instance, going over some of the paperwork, the specifications of the car and some practicalities of how they like to work. Sicheng is kind and a little snappy, often commenting on things Yuta says, their bickering nothing but friendly. 

It makes Jaehyun feel welcome right away, like he’s always been part of this team. It’s different from his previous crew, not the car or the technicalities of if, but the friendly atmosphere that hangs around the office that lightens his mood. 

They get lunch with some of the other employees and Jaehyun gets to meet Kim Jongin, Red Bull’s past golden boy, whom they’ve now replaced with Jaehyun. There’s some hostility to the way Jongin greets him but there’s no venom to his voice or actions. Jaehyun assumes the media training can pull off miracles. 

Maybe with this team Jaehyun can pull off miracles too. 

∆

“I think it’s cute,” Doyoung comments, handing Jaehyun’s tablet back to him. 

“You did not just call my car _cute_ ,” Jaehyun says, frowning. 

“I did. It’s cute. She’ll serve you well,” Jaehyun looks at the massive piece of carbon fibre blinking back at him on his iPad screen.

It’s his car this season. They’re looking at the pictures they’d taken earlier today, Jaehyun and Jongin posing back to back with two cars behind them. The atmosphere would’ve been awkward, if it wasn’t for Yuta’s friendly banter and fond comments about the vehicle. 

It’s a new car with a whole bunch of industry jargon Jaehyun doesn’t want to break his head over right now, but that Doyoung is secretly a little bit interested in. 

“She’s not a Mercedes but she’s the best they can do for you.” 

Jaehyun whines, putting his iPad away. 

“Can we stop talking about it? I hate car launches,” he complains, remembering vividly how awful the weather had been last year in Salzburg. That, and something about avoiding Ten at all cost had not made it a fond memory to think back on. 

Spain isn’t much better. Seville is a very beautiful city but certainly not when it’s raining.

“You just got a seven million dollar car and you don’t want to talk about it?” 

“You didn’t come here to talk about my seven million dollar car, did you?” 

“I wouldn't come here for seven million dollars. I don’t like Seville and the coast winds are drying out my skin,” Doyoung huffs, pouting at his boyfriend. 

Jaehyun chuckles, stealing a kiss from Doyoung’s lips to kiss that pout away. 

After Mercedes’ successful car launch back home in London, Doyoung had headed straight for the airport, caught the first flight down to Seville and driven up to the hotel Jaehyun was staying at near the circuit of their car launch. 

Doyoung was subtle when he wanted to be, and no one had to know that a Mercedes engineer was present at the hotel Jaehyun’s team was staying at. 

Those who did know, didn’t bat an eye - Jaehyun was grateful for his team members and their ability to be discreet. Even Jongin, initially a little hesitant to approach Jaehyun, had looked away when Jaehyun had declined the invitation to dinner tonight, claiming he had other plans. 

Those plans involved Doyoung, the privacy of their hotel room and the contents of the minibar. It was his last night off before the season was picking up and he was going to enjoy it with the only person he wanted to see, Doyoung.

“But you came here for me,” Jaehyun says hopefully. 

Doyoung looks a little defeated by that, a blush on the apple of his cheeks. 

“Yes, the things you do for love,” Doyoung sighs dramatically, but it rings in Jaehyun’s head. 

Love. 

_Love_. 

It still felt so foreign to say it, but the feeling was’t strange.

Jaehyun feels it in his heart, the way it races under Doyoung’s touches, the way one simple glance across the room would be enough to calm it down. 

Ten had said it was fast, to say the three words after not even a year of dating, but Jaehyun did everything in life at abnormal velocities, which is why he didn’t blink an eye when Doyoung had told him he loved him just a few weeks ago. 

If anything, he’d been relieved to realise they were on the same page, saying it back without a second thought. 

In the silence Jaehyun zones out, Doyoung turns to him, wrapping his arm around Jaehyun’s shoulders. 

“Maybe you should remind me,” he purrs into his ear. 

As Jaehyun had stayed with him during their winter break, he had grown awfully accustomed to living with Doyoung. After Sao Paulo, the season ended and their weekend rendezvous would come to a sudden stop. 

Foregoing the drought, Doyoung asked if he wanted to come home with him. 

He didn’t add a timeframe but Jaehyun could tell that it was an offer for an indefinite amount of time - until the season picks up again if he wanted. It was very convenient, having someone to come home to, someone that makes sure the bed is warm when you get in it.

Jaehyun would have been fine if Doyoung had been just that, but he realised soon there was more than convenience to it. He caught himself slowly becoming dependent on their relationship. 

Losing a race wasn’t so bad if Doyoung was there to wind him down after and kiss it better, but doing it alone was exhausting. 

Jaehyun from one year ago wouldn’t have known any better, would probably have cursed this Jaehyun out for letting himself become so dependable on one person so fast. 

But Jaehyun from one year ago wasn’t in love with Doyoung. 

Jaehyun first thought it was loneliness that fed into the abysmal homesick feeling but even as he spent nights in Ten’s hotel room watching bad reality TV and eating all the peanuts out of the minibar, Jaehyun hadn’t felt lonely - he had just _missed_ Doyoung, primitive as it sounded. 

Jaehyun’s heart had no business being this demanding - yet when it came to Doyoung, there were no reservations. 

It would be a problem if Doyoung wasn’t just as bad, if not worse, sulking for all of the week Jaehyun had been abroad, even looking at last minute flights because he just couldn’t go one weekend without being with Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun would deny it at gunpoint, but the hopeless romantic he’d always been was reaching its full potential as he kept giving Doyoung little pieces of his heart over the months. 

Spending the holidays together hadn’t been something they discussed in advance, it had been a natural progression after Jaehyun spent two weeks living out of Doyoung’s apartment. 

Jaehyun could count the holidays he spent at home and not at training abroad on one hand, and had very little recollection of any homely feelings attached to them. There was no point going home to his family over the holidays, as it would ultimately make him feel worse - lonely even if surrounded by people that care for him.

They’d talked about their families over Christmas. 

Jaehyun had always struggled in the relationship with his parents. They would find him selfish for prioritising racing over everything else, including holidays, birthdays and other family obligations.

Jaehyun in turn would try to explain that missing just one training would show he’s weak, that he doesn’t have his heart in it. They didn’t understand each other at all, so his father became distant and his mother became shallow at best. 

He still talked to his mother from time to time but she didn’t care, not enough to ask how Jaehyun was doing. 

Jaehyun has gotten most of the money for his license through family inheritances, even raising some of it by himself by running odd jobs through high school. When that wasn’t enough, he had to _beg_ his parents for it - and they agreed, albeit reluctantly. 

Perhaps they’d hoped that taking out a second mortgage on their house for Jaehyun would show him just how much they loved him but Jaehyun didn’t see it as anything more than a ticket out of there. 

His parents had never cared to attend any of his races or show an ounce of interest in understanding what mattered to him, so why would he care to attend to their feelings? 

It was selfish and he was scared to tell Doyoung at first. No one enjoys unpacking their dirty laundry but Jaehyun still feels ashamed, even if he repaid his debt to his parents the moment he could afford to. 

He didn’t owe them anything anymore - not even a visit for the holidays.

He was relieved to hear that Doyoung’s story wasn’t much different.

While he’d always been an exemplary son, he started drifting further apart from all his family the moment he started his bachelor degree at 16. Being academically ahead of your 23 year old cousin doesn’t make good conversation at birthday parties. 

His parents had been ashamed of it, always asking him to be modest and quiet about his academic accomplishments - so he had become quiet. 

Quiet, until one day after a lecture the professor had asked him to stay back and given him the opportunity to work on the research he was conducting, and he realised there were people out there who valued him for what he was and what he could do. 

He got his first research job at the university at eighteen, finishing his master’s degree the same year. Ultimately this had led to him cutting ties with his parents, as their inability to understand or support his ambitions had eventually watered out any attempt at keeping in touch. 

Even if their reasons are different, the outcome is the same. Doyoung has no family to come home to for Christmas, and Jaehyun has nowhere he calls home. 

They stayed up late in the night on Christmas eve, sharing their reasons why they were there together, and why there’s nowhere they’d rather be. 

Jaehyun tries not to dwell on it too much, but being a romantic at heart, he thinks that when two lonely hearts meet - they’re not that lonely anymore. 

**MARCH 2014**

“So we’ve got Lee on softs, Kim on medium and Byun on softs,” Yuta relays over the radio. “No one got hard on.” 

Jaehyun snorts, pressing the button of his mic.

“Nice one,” he murmurs, leaning back in his seat. 

“Think that’s all, we’re on in thirty so I’m gonna shut up now.” 

“Thanks,” Jaehyun breathes back, releasing the mic button. 

He closes his eyes, trying to clear his head. 

It’s how he usually prepares for the start, deep breaths until his mind is blank and all he sees is the red lights ahead. 

His Red Bull debut (or as Yuta calls it, the maiden voyage) is miles better than his previous one. He starts sixth and finishes fifth, Yuta breathing down his neck at every turn. 

It’s an infinitely better drive than any of last season, because Yuta is just as competitive as him, if not worse, searching every corner for an opportunity to take over, and is overall _loud_ and a pain in the ass sometimes.

Yet Jaehyun couldn’t do it without him, driving over the finish line. 

“That’s P5 baby,” Yuta yells a little too loud for comfort. 

“Thank you” Jaehyun answers, driving out last lap leisurely now. “Thanks to the crew as well, I couldn't have done this without them. That pit stop was fantastic.” 

“There’s no need for a speech here,” Yuta jokes, but he can hear the commotion down in the pit over the microphone. 

Jaehyun doesn’t need to hold a speech. He does get a little emotional, however, when he returns the car and meets his crew in the pit. It’s loud and rowdy but he tries to thank everyone, hoping that no one feels left out - it’s all happening too fast for him to keep track. 

Baekhyun wins, which means that the Mercedes pit is even louder, so loud they can hear it from theirs, the one next door. 

“You’re going to get them one day,” Yuta says, patting his shoulder comfortingly, and Jaehyun just laughs - still high on the race. 

He tentatively approaches Jongin, afraid he might bite now that Jaehyun’s outrun him. 

“Good work man today,” he says, putting his helmet down on the bench next to Jongin. 

“Was a good race,” Jongin confirms, a shy smile tugging at his lips. He’s been racing for 10 years and still has this practised quietness to him, Jaehyun can’t help but admire it. “You did a good job out there.” 

The thing is - Jaehyun knows damn well that he did a good job out there. 

For a first race with a new car, he did more than good, he did fantastic. But it’s no longer about what Jaehyun thinks about himself - it’s about the validation from others.

“Thanks,” Jaehyun says but Jongin has already walked away. 

Jaehyun sees Ten pass by, waving at him and yelling that he did a good job, before he’s gone again, going in a different direction. They haven’t seen each other much, trusting late night phone calls and text messages to stay in touch. 

Jaehyun finally takes off his tracksuit, changing into a more comfortable t-shirt and jeans before he heads back to the pit. Sicheng and Yuta are still there, both bowed down over the pit board and softly talking about something. They look busy and Jaehyun turns on his heel before he can bother them. 

It leaves him alone to head back to the hotel. 

The commotion around the tracks has cleared up a little, most of the spectators gone home. There’s some press that he waves at, and they snap a few pictures before defeatedly realising Jaehyun is not a person of interest. 

He waves in a taxi, signs the driver’s hat, and finds himself back at the hotel just as the evening sun starts to set.

It’s a luxurious hotel and he orders himself dinner, asking to have it sent up to his room as he’s eager to get in the bathtub and soak while he has dinner. He’d underestimated the first race of the season and couldn’t wait to wash off the dirty feeling, a feeling he’d easily forgotten over the weeks off. 

Once upstairs he waits for room service to be delivered before he gets in the bathtub, letting the jets massage his back blissfully. 

No matter how well fitted or expensive the seat in his car is, every kilogram he gains makes it uncomfortable, and it’s never really right - always a combination of bearable and unbearable, and his back is due for a massage. 

Just as he’s finished eating he hears the telltale click of the door to his hotel room, someone scanning a keycard and letting themselves in. 

“Who is it?” Jaehyun calls, but he recognises the sound of the footsteps immediately. 

He catches Doyoung’s tired face in the reflection of the mirror, staring at him in the tub. 

“Hey,” he says sheepishly, waving at him. The water droplets spatter over the floor, a trail leading up to Doyoung’s feet. 

“Hey,” Doyoung murmurs, eyeing Jaehyun’s naked body covered in soap. 

“Join me?” Jaehyun offers, carding his hand through the water to create some gentle waves.

Doyoung seems to deflate, sighing deeply as he sheds clothes with every step he takes towards the bath. He gets in the tub, sitting down across from Jaehyun. 

Jaehyun hadn’t anticipated company, so the water stands too high and spills over the sides a little, but neither of them care. 

“Long day?” Jaehyun hums, giving Doyoung the option to talk about it. 

“Missed you,” Doyoung hums, his ankle gazing past Jaehyun’s shin, “it was a bad day.” 

“First win of the season,” Jaehyun counters.

There’s no envy in his words. 

He knows the amount of work the Mercedes team put in and there’s nothing to be jealous of. 

Everything is rehearsed and calculated. There’s no chance or risk or variable, even the driver is the best and accounted for - even their wins are planned. 

“I was so busy, I barely got to see you, when all I just wanted to watch you...” Doyoung murmurs, closing his eyes as he tilts his head back. “Dark blue looks so good on you, you looked so sexy in that shirt before the race… you should go without it next time.” 

It’s all words and no bite, as Doyoung looks too tired to act on anything. Jaehyun’s probably going to have to help him out of the tub later. 

“They don’t allow nude driving,” Jaehyun says and Doyoung chuckles.

“They should make an exception for you,” he says, adding a splash of water to get his point across. 

Jaehyun enjoys the silence then. 

His ears still ring from the race, but it’s a faint background noise to Doyoung’s soft deep breaths. 

Suddenly he hears the click of the door again, someone else letting them in with their keycard. 

Jaehyun freezes, sitting upright in the tub. Doyoung, too, is alert right away, eyes widening as he stares at Jaehyun. 

“Jaehyun?” It’s Taeil, his manager. One of the few people that have a keycard to his room. “I have something for you.” 

Taeil is probably going to get the shock of his professional career when he finds Jaehyun in the bathroom. 

“I’m uh, busy!” Jaehyun calls, but there’s no point in trying to keep Taeil away. 

Doyoung left the bathroom door open and the hotel room is small enough that with the few footsteps Jaehyun hears, Taeil is standing in the doorway, making eye contact with him. 

He doesn’t fail to notice the other person present, gawking as he looks at Doyoung.

“What the fuck?” He asks, dropping the file he’s holding onto the floor as he covers his eyes.

Luckily the foam covers most of their bodies and they are, in theory, somewhat decent - but it leaves very little to imagination.

And that’s how his manager meets his boyfriend - probably not among Jaehyun’s top 10 finest moments. 

Taeil slams the bathroom door shut and yells for Jaehyun to get out there _right now_. 

Jaehyun doesn’t have time to panic, slipping his bathrobe on and hurrying out into the bedroom. His feet are wet and he’s dripping on the carpet on his way to sit down on one of the armchairs. 

“Can you explain?” Taeil asks, gesturing at the bathroom. 

Jaehyun wants to laugh, a really crude explanation just on the tip of his tongue.

“Doyoung is my uh… boyfriend,” Jaehyun explains sheepishly.

Jaehyun thinks he’s broken Taeil now, who closes and opens his mouth multiple times as if trying out words but coming up with nothing. 

“Your boyfriend,” Taeil repeats after a long silence, confirming it to himself. “For how long?” 

“Almost a year,” he says. 

Taeil flares up again, standing up from his seat and bunching up the folder in his hands in frustration. 

“You didn’t think to mention this, I don’t know, _three months ago_?” 

Jaehyun flinches and Taeil apologises quickly for the sudden outburst, sitting back down. 

“You know I’ve managed a lot of young racers and seen a lot of stupid things, a lot of broken hearts, but this-” he points at the bathroom door, “this _really_ beats anything I’ve ever seen.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun mumbles, eyes cast down as he folds his laps in his head. 

His hair is wet, dripping down his forehead, falling on the softness of his robe. 

“No one knows, just Ten.” 

And Mark, and as an extension of that also Donghyuck, but what Taeil doesn’t know can’t hurt him. 

Taeil looks uncomfortable, clasping his hands in his lap, jaw set tight to keep from talking. 

“You really told _him_ out of all people that you’re dating someone?” 

“Wait,” Jaehyun says, frowning. “That’s what this is about? You’re not mad that I’m…” 

“That you’re gay?” Taeil asks to clarify. “Jaehyun I couldn’t care any less who you date, that’s entirely up to you. The team doesn’t care, they didn’t hire you for your heterosexuality - and frankly, racing has changed so much, I don’t think _anyone_ cares.” 

Jaehyun’s heart hammers in his chest, the ringing in his ear louder in the silences Taeil leaves. 

“It just makes my life really difficult when you do it behind my back. If a reporter or staff member asks me about this and I have no idea what they’re talking about - that will make all of us look bad,” Taeil explains. 

“Oh,” Jaehyun says stupidly. “I hadn’t thought about it like that yet…”

He’d just dumbly put off telling Taeil for as long as he could, because he was mortified of the reaction he would get. Not just that he was dating Doyoung, but that he dated men. 

He wasn’t naive enough to think everyone would react the way Ten had. 

“Normally we have papers for wife’s and girlfriends to sign, makes it possible for them to be present at the races and access to the staff only areas but…” Taeil trails off, looking at Doyoung who has put on a robe and comes out of the bathroom to join them. 

“Since you decided to be _star crossed lovers_ between teams,” Taeil says, gesturing at Jaehyun’s choice of partner with a laugh, “I don’t think that’s necessary.”

“No, I don’t think so,” Jaehyun agrees sheepishly. 

“I think I’ll be fine,” Doyoung agrees, approaching them with shuffling feet. “I don’t think we’ve officially met?” 

Taeil shakes his head and stands up to greet him.

Out of all things Jaehyun had expected to see in his hotel room this evening, his boyfriend introducing himself to his manager was not one of them. 

“Do you have any other secret lovers I need to add to the list?” Taeil asks with a laugh, face falling in a serious frown after. “I’m serious - _please_ tell me about something like this. I’m not your father and I don’t care who you date, as long as you don’t leave me in the dark about it.”

“Would you like to know my preferences in bed too?”Jaehyun counters boldly. 

Taeil rolls his eyes, shaking his head to himself. 

“I wanted to go over some CF and other material with you, but it can wait,” he explains when waving the folder in his hand up and down. “Have a good evening.” 

And then he’s gone, leaving Jaehyun in confusion. 

“I forgot you have a manager now,” Doyoung says, slowly approaching Jaehyun. He’s dried his hair a little, messy and half wet as he runs a hand through it. “Should've probably locked the door.” 

“This isn’t on you,” Jaehyun argues, pulling on Doyoung’s hand. He sets Doyoung down in his lap, wrapping his arms around his waist. “I should have been honest with Taeil.” 

“I should’ve warned you,” Doyoung says. “Once you start doing more commercial stuff, once you’re with any bigger team, they’re going to get involved in your personal life.” 

“Don’t worry about that,” Jaehyun murmurs, pressing a kiss to Doyoung’s shoulder before he rests his head against it. 

“I’m sorry about this,” Doyoung says, turning to Jaehyun. 

He brushes a hand through his wet air, cupping his face gently. 

“It’s not your fault,” Jaehyun insists again. 

Everything went better than expected - he had anticipated a meltdown from his manager, perhaps ending in Doyoung being thrown out of his hotel room. 

The stories Ten had told him about managers getting involved in personal lives always ended in a similar fashion, and yet all Jaehyun got was a lecture on sharing information with his manager. 

“Would it make you feel better if I said I’ve seen this before?” 

“What, star crossed lovers between two teams?” Doyoung nods. “Yes that would make me feel better.” 

“Luhan,” Doyoung says. “His wife used to be your lead engineer.”

Jaehyun’s jaw goes slack. 

He’s seen Luhan’s wife in passing and at parties, a beautiful woman with a kind smile - he had no idea that she used to work for Red Bull. 

“So what happened?” Jaehyun asks. “Did they fire her?” 

“No,” Doyoung laughs, shaking his head. “She quit her job when she got pregnant. It’s not easy to combine this kind of lifestyle with kids.” 

Jaehyun has seen Luhan’s kids as well, cute little gremlins that cling to their daddy’s legs every chance they get whenever his wife brings them around the pit. 

Maybe that’s a worthy way to end your career - Jaehyun really couldn’t know, he doesn’t like kids but if that’s the worst that can happen, it’s really not so bad. 

“So don’t worry too much, okay?” Doyoung asks, leaning over to kiss Jaehyun’s forehead. “We’ll be fine.” 

We. 

_We_. 

It’s still new to Jaehyun, even after almost a year, but it’s _them_. They will be fine. They will do this together. 

He doesn’t have to do it alone anymore.

**JUNE 2014**

Being a romantic, Jaehyun has of course noted down the day he and Doyoung decided to give it a shot. 

The day June 26th is marked in his calendar with a little heart. 

To Doyoung it might just be a day, but Jaehyun remembers - and he’s got plans. 

Luckily it falls on a day that they are in the same country and that he and Doyoung are both staying at their own apartment. Next weekend they’ll be in Silverstone again, which means Jaehyun’s travel is limited for the coming two weeks, and he spends most time at the office in MK, or back in his apartment just two blocks down from it. 

Doyoung works from home, mostly, sometimes driving out to Brackley for anything he can’t do at home - which means that save for the 9 to 5 obligations they both have, they’re free to spend their days however they like. 

Jaehyun makes plans and they include letting himself into Doyoung’s apartment before he finishes work. 

The security guard downstairs knows him and has been instructed to let him in at any given time. He knows the keycode to Doyoung’s apartment, which essentially means he has a key. 

He doesn’t think about it like that, because that would force him to think about the toothbrush on the sink in the bathroom, the spare clothes he keeps in a drawer of Doyoung’s closet and the strip of his allergy medicine on Doyoung’s nightstand that he keeps for him. 

Jaehyun doesn’t want to think about that, as it will ultimately lead to panic - and he can’t afford panic when he has to cook dinner, something he’s admittedly a little afraid of as well. 

He’s spent every night this week practising how to make lasagna. 

He never learned how to cook but had learned it was Doyoung’s favourite dish; which resulted in him bringing lasagna to work everyday until all of his teammates had their own lunchbox and gave him plenty of feedback on the recipe he’d practised the night before. 

He was finally confident in the recipe and preparations, which meant all he had to do now was pull them off in Doyoung’s kitchen. 

Normally Doyoung was the one cooking (although they ordered in a little too often), however, he had complained once how cooking made eating dinner less appetising, because all he could think of while eating was the effort he had spent cooking. 

Being absolutely terrible at anything kitchen related, Jaehyun had taken that as a challenge - tonight he would be surprising Doyoung with the results. 

He had put a lot of thought into an anniversary gift, coming up with absolutely nothing. There was nothing he could buy Doyoung that Doyoung did not already have or could easily purchase for himself.

A home cooked meal after a long day of work was not something Doyoung could (easily) afford. 

It was all about the gesture and yet Jaehyun’s perfectionist tendencies had caused him to practice abundantly until it could be nothing but perfect. 

He’d brought two bottles of rosé, Doyoung’s favourite from a local winery. Dinner’s in the oven by the time the clock strikes past seven and Doyoung should be home any minute now. 

Jaehyun had texted him and said he was here but not revealed any of the details of what he’d be coming home too. 

He’d set the table, put out wine glasses (that he admittedly had to polish a little, they rarely used the tableware let alone the expensive wine glasses), lit candles and dimmed the lights to a pleasant setting. 

It’d been a few days since they’d last seen each other, which was nothing they weren’t used to but Jaehyun _hated_ waking up to Doyoung’s morning texts rather than a physical Doyoung. 

Anniversaries were just a little more bitter and he’s been longing to see him all day. 

Jaehyun’s just checking on the food in the oven when the door clicks, footsteps coming into the hallway. 

“I’m home!” Doyoung calls and Jaehyun smiles to himself, anticipating Doyoung’s reaction.

“I was thinking we could order in-” he starts, before coming into the kitchen and seeing its state. 

“Oh.”

“Hi,” Jaehyun breathes nervously, pulling off the oven mitts. “I made dinner.” 

“You _did_ ,” Doyoung points out, cautiously walking around the kitchen island and peeking into the oven. “I thought you said you didn’t cook?”

“Is it that bad?” Jaehyun asks, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. 

Doyoung chuckles fondly, shaking his head as he steps up to Jaehyun. 

“It looks great,” Doyoung assures, wrapping his arms around Jaehyun’s waist to pull him in for a hug. 

Jaehyun buries his face in Doyoung’s neck, closing his eyes as he breathes his scent in. 

When they part, Doyoung tugs on the tie of his apron. 

“I should get one of those kiss the chef aprons,” he murmurs, and Jaehyun shakes his head, reaching up to cup Doyoung’s cheek and kiss him instead. 

“Maybe if you ask the chef nicely,” Jaehyun hums, licking his lips to taste Doyoung’s lip balm. 

“I’ll keep it in mind,” Doyoung hums, squeezing the back of Jaehyun’s neck affectionately as he pulls away. “Can I take a quick shower first before dinner?” 

“Of course, dinner’s ready in ten minutes,” Jaehyun assures, and Doyoung nods, stealing one last kiss before he heads into the bathroom. 

He returns just as the timer on Jaehyun’s phone goes off, letting him know it’s time to take the lasagna out. 

Jaehyun hates tooting his own horn, but it smells _delicious_ and he hopes it tastes equally as good, that all his trial and error lasagnas weren’t in vain. 

Doyoung pours the wine, clinking his glass with Jaehyun’s over the dinner table. 

“To our anniversary,” he cheers, and Jaehyun’s heart does a somersault - he _knew_ Doyoung would remember.

“You remembered,” Jaehyun says in disbelief, cheeks tainting red. 

“Of course I remembered,” Doyoung says, scoffing. “I’m a little offended that you think I would forget.” 

“Well we didn’t discuss it, so I thought…” Jaehyun pauses mid sentence, laughing at Doyoung’s deadpanning stare. “Fine, okay, I didn’t think you’d actually forget, I just wasn’t sure if you wanted to… celebrate it.” 

“You’re the romantic here,” Doyoung points out, “I thought I’d let you handle it and let myself be surprised. I will… _repay_ you later.” 

Jaehyun wouldn’t mind if Doyoung repaid him right here in this kitchen, but he is too flustered to say anything, so he looks down at his plate. 

Doyoung enjoys this and Jaehyun hates how easily he falls for it. Doyoung doesn’t know half the power he holds when he’s this bold about what he wants. 

They open the second bottle of rosé and move to the sofa, Doyoung for once agreeing to leave the dishes for tomorrow. It’s raining out, droplets smacking against the window to create a pleasant background noise. 

Jaehyun enjoys this so much, the simple evenings together where Doyoung talks about work, about little details throughout his day that bothered him. Jaehyun will in turn tell him about something funny Yuta said or that he talked to Ten today.

It’s so mundane, a scarce domesticity that they rarely get to have. 

“Thank you for this,” Doyoung says on a more serious note. Jaehyun is cuddled up to his side, head resting on his shoulder. Doyoung holds Jaehyun’s hand in his lap, brushing his thumb over it softly. “I wish I could come home to this every night.” 

“That’s like Christmas Every Day, you’d get bored very fast,” he says, nuzzling his head against Doyoung’s neck. 

“Well you don’t have to cook every night,” Doyoung says, “but you could stay.” 

Jaehyun falls silent, hand going limp in Doyoung’s hold as he zones out trying to process what Doyoung is asking, because it sounds like _move in with me_. 

“Are you sure?” Jaehyun asks after a moment of silence. 

“Those five weeks a year we get to be at home, wouldn’t you want to spend them with me? Your office is not even an hour drive from here, and you wouldn’t have to live in those _cardboard_ apartments Red Bull builds.” 

Jaehyun laughs, the impromptu rant so very Doyoung - including the mention of the accident Jaehyun had with the cardboard walls of his own apartment. 

It’s a laugh full of fondness and he pulls away a little to look into Doyoung’s eyes, his heart humming happily in his chest. 

It’s practical, yes. The few times they get to be together outside of shared hotel rooms are always meticulously planned. Adding an _every day_ domesticity to them wouldn’t be a luxury. 

“You don’t think it’s too soon?” Jaehyun asks, thinking it’s better to voice his concerns out loud. 

If he calls Ten to talk about it, he will yell until Jaehyun is, too, convinced that he’s in the wrong but if he talks to Yuta about it, Yuta would call him stupid for having second thoughts. 

It’s ‘you and Doyoung’ he likes to say, like it’s a point of reference. 

“Well as you like to say, I’m old,” Doyoung laughs, and Jaehyun whines - Doyoung loves to bring up that _one_ time where he said Doyoung is old (older than him that is), “so I better hurry up, while my back is still functioning.” 

Jaehyun playfully hits him but snaps his attention up and then leans in to kiss him. 

For a romantic, he’s not very good with words so he hopes he can convey how he feels like this, softly nipping at Doyoung’s lips. 

Doyoung indulges him for a moment, inching him in closer until Jaehyun’s sitting in his lap, arms around his neck. Eventually he pulls them apart, keeping Jaehyun close by the hold on his waist. 

“So is that a yes?” He asks, a secret hopeful tone to his voice. 

It’s nice to hear, the waver in Doyoung’s voice when he asks. Sometimes Jaehyun worries that it’s too _simple_ for Doyoung, that Jaehyun does what he wants too easily and that he’ll get bored eventually. 

On particularly bad days Jaehyun still sees himself as any rookie kid that bit off more than they could chew and he fears that Doyoung thinks the same, Doyoung who is older and experienced and knows the industry like the back of his hand, settling for someone like Jaehyun, who is just growing out of his rookie year. 

He needs a reminder every now and then that outside of their job, there’s still _them_ , Jaehyun and Doyoung, struggling like any other couple.

When he catches Doyoung in a similar vulnerability, his worries feel less heavy. 

It’s comforting to know that it’s meaningful to Doyoung, that he’d wagered and considered this before bringing it to the table - that moving in together is more than a convenience. 

It’s them taking the next step in their relationship, like all couples do. 

“Come on baby, I have a steam shower _and_ actual concrete walls,” Doyoung whines, pouting at Jaehyun who laughs at him. 

“What else could I possibly do to convince you?” Doyoung says, batting his lashes in a way that has Jaehyun’s tummy in knots. 

“I can think of a few things,” he suggests teasingly, but he’s already sold. 

Doyoung still gives him a very good reason to want to spend every night here. 

Hours later when he’s showered and dressed in one of Doyoung’s pyjama shirts, curled up with his head resting on Doyoung’s chest he thinks about it again. 

“You were serious about that, right?” Jaehyun asks hesitantly, leaning up to look at Doyoung, “moving in together.” 

“Of course I was,” Doyoung says. “I already did most of the paperwork, you just have to sign and send it in to change your address,” he assures, hand gently stroking up and down Jaehyun’s arm. 

It lingers on his elbow, trailing back up under the sleeve of the shirt, and Jaehyun is almost distracted by the gently tickling touch. 

“Of course you took care of that,” Jaehyun says, sighing happily as his eyes flutter shut again. 

Words come short when he tries to describe how loved he feels when Doyoung does these things for him, so instead he nuzzles his head against Doyoung’s chest to comfort himself. 

At the speed they were living, Jaehyun had little time to dwell on the progress of their relationship, or think about when was the right time. 

Doyoung is older, a little more experienced and a little better at reading Jaehyun. Sometimes he felt like Doyoung knew him better than he knew himself, especially in moments like these where all Jaehyun had to do was say yes. 

“I’ll always take care of you,” Doyoung says gently. 

Jaehyun can hear his heartbeat like this, the soft rise and fall of his chest right under his head a pleasant lullaby. 

He never wants to leave. 

**NOVEMBER 2014**

Austin is hot as always, the heat on the circuit smothering as Jaehyun walks through the pitlane. It’s a matter of minutes before he’s getting in his car to drive the second to last race of the season.

With some luck he ends up on the podium this race, and solidifies his spot as fifth in the championship - with some luck he’ll get to celebrate that with Doyoung tonight.

Yuta looks anxious, head buried deep in one of the screens as he clicks through slides. 

It’s hot, even in their pitstop and Jaehyun is aching for the season to be over. The last few weeks had been a little too busy, everything moving a little too fast, with not enough time to catch up on sleep.

He passes Ten on his way out, wishing him good luck and promising again that they’ll catch up soon, whenever that is. Now that they’re not on the same team, they rarely stay at the same hotel, which doesn’t leave many opportunities to talk save for long phone calls when they’re in the same time zone. 

“Are you ready to go?” Yuta asks him over the radio, as if the start is optional - like Jaehyun can just say he’s not ready and they’ll cancel the whole thing.

“Yeah, fine,” Jaehyun breathes but he feels like he’s burning alive in the suit. “It’s fucking hot.” 

“I could go for a milkshake right now,” Yuta says, and Jaehyun snorts.

“Can you ask Sicheng to give me one in the pit?” Jaehyun suggests, hint of a laugh on his voice. 

“Will do,” Yuta confirms, laughing too. “Good luck mate.” 

“Thanks,” Jaehyun says, before he tunes out. 

It’s an easy start, one where he can defend his P5, even as the first two laps go. The car does well despite the heat, Jaehyun the only one really bothered by it. 

At the start of lap 3, Yuta says something about the 4 second gap Jaehyun has on Kim, who is driving right behind him. He confirms with a short 'yes' as he prepares to brake for the turn ahead of him. 

He notices it a little earlier even, the clutch of the brake paddle failing to respond to his subtle nudge as he approaches the corner, but doesn’t understand the severity until he’s slamming the brakes and the car and comes up with absolutely nothing but a reason for Jaehyun to panic.

He can’t see anything visibly wrong with the car so in the two seconds it takes from his discovery to the actual impact, he smashes the mic button and calls out _brakes_.

Even if the impact is almost instant, there’s still that split second before it where he can see the wall approaching at 200 kilometers an hour. 

It’s a split second that always feels too long.

It goes in slow motion, his head nothing but a blur of panic, ringing in his ears so high pitched his ears might explode, bracing himself for the impact, tensing up all his muscles so that maybe his joints can take the impact without any damage.

It’s white behind his eyelids the moments after. 

His vision is full of tyre barrier, sponsor logos staring back at him mockingly as his car has a mouthful of rubber.

Anxiously he shakes his legs, making sure he can still move them, that there’s still feeling in them. He’s fine, or so he thinks before he uses his right arm to press the mic button and gasps in pain. 

“Jaehyun, are you okay?” Yuta asks over the radio, his voice sharp. “Jaehyun?” He asks again, when Jaehyun can’t bend his finger to press the mic button. 

Finally he raises his other hand, pressing the button.

“Yes, I’m okay. Turning the car off,” he announces, before shutting it down. 

“Your hand,” Yuta says, clearly more observant than Jaehyun himself.

“‘S fucked,” Jaehyun breathes, leaning back in his seat. 

He uses his other hand to unclasp the head and neck support, before taking a deep breath and getting to his feet. 

One of the circuit staff is by his side instantly, holding him up. His legs feel like jelly when he lifts them out of the vehicle one by one.

“We need a medic,” the woman calls, and Jaehyun can see her concerned face as she checks his eyes through the helmet, seeing if his pupils are responsive. “Any pain?” 

“Wrist,” Jaehyun says, carefully lifting up the injured hand. 

They take him into one of the ambulances and he does the mandatory thumbs up at the drone camera with his good hand while the doctor takes a look at his wrist. 

Although there is nothing visibly wrong, the doctor looks concerned with the onset swelling and bruising, and his wrist is put elevated with some ice as they drive back to the pit. 

The pain is a little more manageable with the ice and it leaves just enough room in his head to think about his team. 

The race. 

The car wreck he’s leaving behind. 

That P5 finish he won’t get. 

That top 5 season win he won’t get. 

Fuck. _Fuck_.

The ambulance stops by the pit and he gets out on shaky legs and the support of a medic, wobbling back to the pit. 

The impact still sits fresh in his mind, the hit playing on repeat every few seconds. 

Before he gets to see any of his crew, the doctor pulls him aside and sits him down to look at his wrist, lifting the ice pack. 

It’s not a pretty sight that he finds, the swelling already worse than back on the circuit. 

“That’s broken,” the doctor confirms, and Jaehyun feels all hope abandon him.

If it’s broken it needs to be casted. If he has a cast on it means he can’t drive the next race. If he can’t drive next race he won’t be able to make top 5 if he tried. 

“You’re going to the hospital, we’re getting your manager to-”

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun demands. 

Taeil is a good person but the only one he wants to see right now that could offer any resemblance of comfort is Doyoung. 

Luckily Doyoung is on the same page and the moment the doctor leaves the room, Doyoung holds the door open and ducks under his arm to get in.

“Are you okay?” He asks - more like pleads as he looks at Jaehyun worryingly. “Your arm, is it-“

“It’s broken,” Jaehyun says, _sobs_. 

He doesn’t know when he started crying but there he is, sobbing his heart out over a broken wrist and a lost race, tears staining his cheeks as they fall. 

“Fuck,” Doyoung curses, probably realising exactly what implications it holds for the rest of Jaehyun’s racing season. 

Jaehyun can see it all flash before his eyes again, the achievements he won’t get and the crew he will let down, the impact of the crash haunting his vision - and then he sees Doyoung. 

“Don’t you have to get back?” Jaehyun asks, and Doyoung shakes his head impatiently.

“No, they red flagged after you. I’m going with you to the hospital.” 

Taeil drives them to the hospital. The team doctor sits next to Jaehyun in the car, icing his wrist and making sure he keeps it elevated.

At the hospital, they’re immediately taken to a private emergency room. The team doctor demands for a specialist, going off a list of names before they find someone that’ll do to their standards.

Most of it is quick, except the wait for the x-rays. The pain is worse now that most of the adrenaline has worn off and he feels a little dizzy, the impact of the crash still flashing behind his eyelids sometimes. 

Doyoung sits by his side, holding his good hand, but he still looks a little out of it, quiet as he strokes his thumb over Jaehyun’s hand. 

“Do you know what happened yet?” Jaehyun asks. Taeil shakes his head.

“They’re looking at the car now, we’re thinking it’s a brake wire explosion.” 

“Fuck,” Jaehyun curses, shaking his head. 

It’s not something he can help, it’s entirely the car malfunctioning and his wrist paying the price for it. 

“They’re looking into it. You just focus on your hand, okay?” 

It’s not like there’s anything else he can do, Jaehyun thinks bitterly and holds his tongue. 

The doctor returns, charting up two X-rays on the screen.

“You have what we call a green stick, it’s an injury we usually see in kids or in very fit young adults,” the doctor explains, pointing at the bones in Jaehyun’s arm. In one place it’s nicked, and Jaehyun can see that clearly on the X-rays. “We’re going to cast it, but we don’t need to set it.” 

That’s probably good news, but Jaehyun doesn’t _care_. 

They could tell him they’re gonna manually sew his bones together and still all he can think of is “how long?” 

The doctor hesitates for a moment. 

“Six weeks.” 

Jaehyun wants to disappear. 

He feels like someone’s pulled the rug on him, leaving a gaping black hole that’s about to swallow him whole. The room blurs into grey nothingness, Jaehyun’s breath coming out in short pants as he tries to fight oxygen into his lungs. 

He can’t distinguish what the doctor says, the ringing in his ears so loud that it overvoices everything else. Gritting his teeth in hopes it will go away, he just catches the last of the doctor’s explanation.

“We’ll send someone in to cast it soon,” the doctor finishes. 

“Get out,” he starts, tears welling up in his eyes. 

The doctor seems to get the message, clearly eager to get out, and Taeil says nothing as he follows. 

Doyoung remains, and Jaehyun squeezes his hand, exhaling shakily as he finally looks up at him. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologises to Doyoung, the only thing he can think of doing. 

His good hand is tingling in Doyoung’s hold, tensing up as he stutters over a breath. 

When the doctor pulled the door shut, leaving just him and Doyoung, Jaehyun had felt the sound of it like a resolute ache, making everything more real. He feels a little lightheaded, unable to get his breathing under control as he takes in short pants of air, trying to swallow them down and stifle them. 

His mouth is so dry suddenly and he anxiously looks around the room for a bottle of water.

“Hey, hey,” Doyoung calms him down, urging him back in bed as he hands him the water bottle he was searching out. 

Jaehyun’s eyes prickle with tears again and before Doyoung offers him the water bottle, he leans down to hold him. 

Jaehyun’s face is buried in Doyoung’s chest, a little uncomfortable at this angle, but it’s just what he needs, breathing in his scent and grounding himself in the familiarity. 

He tries so hard not to cry, but it’s futile when Doyoung strokes a hand up and down his back comfortingly. The tears roll down his cheeks, staining Doyoung’s shirt as he sobs. The apologies he mumbles are muted against Doyoung’s chest, the sound of Doyoung’s soft encouragements drowning them out. 

Jaehyun barely registers them over the ringing in his ears and the sound of his crying but when he calms down a little he hears it, Doyoung’s soft voice whispering that he’ll be okay. 

Doyoung’s eyes do the rest of the talking, blinking away a few tears as he looks at Jaehyun the moment he pulls away. 

He helps Jaehyun take a sip, squeezing his shoulder for comfort as Jaehyun tries to get his breath under control. Doyoung’s hand runs up and down his shoulder, a comforting brush that settles his nerves and eventually calms him down.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun apologises again but Doyoung shakes his head. 

“Don’t be sorry Jaehyun, you’re fine,” Doyoung promises, sitting down on the side of his bed, putting a comforting hand on Jaehyun’s thigh. 

Jaehyun inhales deeply again, closing his eyes. 

When his eyelids fall shut, the images of the car come right back to him - like a movie stuck on repeat. The sound of the impact, the air knocked out of his chest, it all rushes right back to him and he opens his eyes still startled by the images.

The ringing in his ears is so loud, he only catches half of what Doyoung is saying.

“It’s just a broken arm,” Doyoung promises, squeezing his thigh affectionately. “You heard what he said right, you are a _very_ fit young adult, you’ll recover in no time.” 

“I know,” Jaehyun says, searching out Doyoung’s eyes. “But no points today, or next race. I won’t make it top 5 this season” he explains - as if Doyoung didn’t know that. 

“That really sucks,” Doyoung says after some consideration, and Jaehyun can’t help but chuckle at Doyoung's choice of words, a lighthearted breath escaping his chest. 

“You’ll make it next season,” Doyoung promises, “and you saved Kim the shame of being beat by his rookie teammate.” 

Jaehyun laughs bitterly, shaking his head to himself. “I guess that is nice of me,” he agrees. 

They wait until a nurse comes down to cast Jaehyun’s arm and she falls a little shy when she sees who she’s helping. 

It’s happening more frequently now, that strangers will recognise him in public. He doesn’t mind it, enjoys the popularity of the sport he’s in, but still finds it a bit silly, after all he’s just Jaehyun - it’s not like his autograph is worth much.

Apparently it’s worth something to her but Jaehyun can’t sign anything with his right hand - leaving her with a half-assed scribble from his left hand, Doyoung trying not to laugh as he chalks it down. 

Taeil comes back to get them, asking if he wants to go back to the circuit or not. 

Jaehyun doesn’t know how fast to decline, his head pounding and his neck still very stiff from the impact of the crash. All he wants to do is sleep and for once Taeil seems lenient on that, letting Doyoung drive them back to the hotel.

When they get back to their hotel room, Doyoung helps him undress, his cast very much inconvenient in anything he wants to do. He’s still a little dizzy, joints stiff as Doyoung pulls the shirt off him, helping him out of the leggings he still has on. 

“I smell like shit,” Jaehyun comments, realising that he hasn’t showered since the race. 

He must’ve hosed down his tracksuit by the heat alone, so he can imagine that there’s not much but sweat and petrol to him right now.

“You’re fine,” Doyoung lies, urging him to get in bed and lie down. 

Jaehyun thinks that the moment his head hits the pillow, he’ll be out like a log. All the adrenaline from the race, the shock of the crash - it has all worn down to leave him lightheaded and sleepy. 

The mattress is soft under him, feeling like heaven as he curls up on it, nudging his head against the pillow. Doyoung lays down next to him, allowing him to rest his head against his chest instead, putting a comforting arm around his shoulders.

Jaehyun lies awake for a split moment, keeping his eyes open and trained on the buttons on Doyoung’s dress shirt. 

They’re a comfortable distraction, and seconds later his eyelids simply feel too heavy to keep open and he falls asleep. 

∆

Jaehyun wakes with a start, sitting upright in bed. 

Behind his lids the vivid image of his car wreck disappears and for a moment he thinks it was all a dream. 

The dream lasts right up until he tries to reach up and brush through his hair, feeling his heavy arm and the cast on it. His arm hurts and he feels a little feverish under it all, throat dry as he swallows and tries to familiarise himself with his surroundings. 

He hears nothing but the virring of the AC and Doyoung’s slow breathing. 

Doyoung’s there, no longer dressed in his button-up, but wearing a soft t-shirt that Jaehyun recognises as his own. He’s asleep and in the darkness of the room Jaehyun feels inclined to do the same. 

Except his throat is sandpaper and he feels so gross, his hands still smelling like petrol as he touches his dry lips, and he needs a shower before he can go back to sleep. 

It’s not easy, but he manages to take a shower with the cast without getting it wet, rinsing off most of the filth from the circuit. After showering he dresses in clean clothes and brushes his teeth in an attempt to feel a little less worn out.

It’s strange, being alone in a foreign country with an injury, up in the middle of the night in a clammy hotel bathroom. The pain is bad, not terrible but it hurts enough to take some of the pills the doctor prescribed. 

He walks through the hotel room to find the medicine Doyoung had picked up on the way back to the hotel, popping two pills and chugging them down with some water. 

The numbers on the tv tell him it’s 03.13, right in the middle of the night. 

His jet lag still feels fresh, and for him it could be morning - he’s slept long enough. 

“Jaehyun,” it’s Doyoung who calls him, his voice soft and sleep laced as he sits up in bed.

He pads over the carpet, sits down on the side of their bed. 

“‘M sorry, did I wake you?” Jaehyun asks carefully, running his hand up and down the softness of Doyoung’s arm. 

“No,” Doyoung assures, yawning, “just a bad dream.” 

Jaehyun sighs, feeling a little guilty. 

Perhaps it’s selfish to assume that Doyoung has bad dreams because of him. Jaehyun knows his own dreams are entirely his to blame, so it wouldn't surprise him.

“Wanna talk about it?” Jaehyun asks. 

Doyoung shakes his head. 

“No, come back to bed,” he asks instead, and Jaehyun follows his orders, curling back into Doyoung’s side. 

Doyoung’s hands are impatient despite his sleepy state, sneaking around Jaehyun’s waist to pull him snug against Doyoung’s chest. Doyoung’s always affectionate, but never this clingy, holding onto Jaehyun with a newfound sense of urgency. 

The room falls silent again, the ringing in Jaehyun’s ears just noise in the background, far away from here.

Doyoung kisses his neck, gently nudging his nose against his skin, inhaling the scent of their tangerine body wash. 

“I love you,” Doyoung says, it’s soft but Jaehyun hears it very well, relaxing in Doyoung’s hold. 

“I love you too,” he replies before falling asleep. 

∆

Jaehyun’s arm heals slowly, too slowly for his liking.

The natural healing process of his body is not something he wanted to plan into his life, especially not after Taeil told him that as per team doctors orders, there was no way he was driving with that cast still on, not even a practice run. 

Which is why he, out of boredom, spends time at the office the week after, trying to find a distraction. 

He’s caught up on sleep and Netflix shows and Doyoung is out for work all day. There isn’t much stay at home housework he can do with one hand and instead he calls Taeil up to drive him to their headquarters, so he can at least bother his fellow team members.

Yuta is happy to see him, looking up in surprise as Jaehyun enters the meeting room. Yuta gets them coffee, and Sicheng stops by just in time to join in on the conversation.

“So how’s your arm?” Yuta asks, gesturing at the cast. “Did you learn to jerk off with your left hand yet?” 

“I’m slowly becoming ambidextrous but I haven’t added that to my list.” 

“That must be nice, married life,” Sicheng comments casually, and Jaehyun laughs at first, before the implications hit him square in the face. 

“Not married,” Jaehyun points out, and Sicheng rolls his eyes. 

“You might as well be,” he returns, and Jaehyun gnaws at his bottom lip. 

“Oh no, you’re making him think,” Yuta points out, shaking his head to himself. “I have some stuff I want you to look at, if you have time today.” 

“I have six weeks, five weeks left,” Jaehyun explains, raising the cast up to explain. 

In the back of the warehouse, where Jaehyun’s old car stands wrecked, Yuta shows him just where it burst, the brake wire connecting the pedal to the brakes. 

“It’s a stupid accident, can happen to anyone,” Yuta explains. 

Jaehyun knows that, knows why brake lines rupture and knows it’s not his nor Sicheng’s fault.

It’s still nice to hear him say that it’s not his fault either. 

He’s not too bothered with the technicalities of his exploding brake line, his head full of what Sicheng said earlier - that they might as well be married.

Like actual functioning adults in a committed relationship - that’s what married is to Jaehyun. 

It’s only a little terrifying. 

“Do Doyoung and I really…,” _look married_ , he wants to ask, but flinches at how bad it sounds.

“You caught that huh?” Yuta asks, chuckling. 

“Of course Sicheng has to blabber with his big mouth and leave me to clean up,” he mutters, but the issue still stands.

“Are we really that bad?” Jaehyun asks hesitantly.

“No, dude, you’re fine,” Yuta says, patting Jaehyun’s back comfortingly. “Sicheng is just bitter and lonely.”

Jaehyun is not convinced and he makes it obvious. 

“Sometimes, it’s just…” Yuta says, searching for words. 

Jaehyun stares at the car wreck in front of him, avoiding Yuta’s gaze. 

“It’s just the way you look at him sometimes,” Yuta explains. “It’s very… _resolute_ , you always look at him when he’s in the room and you don’t even notice you’re doing it.” 

Jaehyun thinks about the crash. 

About the impact that he still feels when he closes his eyes and then Doyoung, patching him and his broken arm up. 

There were doctors, teammates and specialists that all wanted to have a look and say about Jaehyun’s arm, but all he wanted then was Doyoung. 

Doyoung to hold his hand, to wipe away his tears and tell him it’s alright. 

He struggles to wrap his head around it, because with a broken arm and his racing career in question - he shouldn’t be asking for Doyoung or thinking of him, still that’s all he wanted. 

There’s no point in denying it, because he _does_ look at Doyoung like that. 

“You’re only 20 years old, give it some time,” Yuta says, clearly sensing Jaehyun’s discomfort. 

Time. 

Jaehyun has plenty of time now that his arm is casted, and he spends every day waiting for Doyoung to come home, waiting for time to go faster so he can get the cast off. 

He stays back at the office for a little longer, and agrees to meet Sicheng for dinner. They don’t talk about marriage, instead discussing nothing but cars and Jaehyun’s opponents next year. 

After having dinner with Sicheng, Jaehyun returns home. It’s later in the evening and for once the house isn’t dark, as Doyoung is already home and curled up on the sofa with a blanket and a book.

It’s a comforting sight, Doyoung dressed down in a soft sweatshirt, his contacts swapped for glasses and his hair messy on his head, book spread open on the table. 

“Good evening,” Jaehyun greets as he swaps his shoes for slippers, padding into the living room. 

“Good evening,” Doyoung hums, smiling fondly as Jaehyun leans down to kiss him. “Did you have a nice day?” 

“Yeah, it was good,” Jaehyun agrees, sinking down into the cushions of their sofa. “Good to see everyone again. Sicheng bought me dinner.” 

“Having dinner with other men, I see,” Doyoung laughs, stroking a hand up and down Jaehyun’s shoulder. “There are some leftovers in case you’re still hungry, or if you want them for lunch tomorrow.” 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun hums happily, putting his arm around Doyoung’s shoulder. 

His cast is itchy, and he fiddles with the sleeve of Doyoung’s shirt to distract himself. 

“Does it hurt?” Doyoung asks, carefully stroking over Jaehyun’s fingertips peeking out from the cast. 

“No, just itches,” Jaehyun complains, pointing his finger up to play with Doyoung’s. “I feel like it’s taking so long, the six weeks.” 

“It’s just six weeks, Jaehyun,” Doyoung murmurs, a little condescending. 

“Feels like forever,” Jaehyun complains.

It’s not the six weeks, because technically Doyoung is right about that - but Jaehyun is thinking of what Sicheng had casually mentioned, what had been brewing in the back of his mind all evening.

“Don’t be so immature, it’ll be over in no time - you’ll be back on the track before next season even starts,” Doyoung argues and Jaehyun falls silent, putting his hands back down in his lap.

“I’m gonna go shower,” Doyoung announces, getting up and leaving Jaehyun and his sad cast behind on the sofa. 

He can hear how annoyed Doyoung is by the tone of his voice, but even if he didn’t - the fact that he’s not extending Jaehyun an invitation to join him in the shower says enough. 

Jaehyun does feel bad. 

It’s just one remark from Sicheng, one stupid comment that has been looping in his head all day. 

It’s not that Jaehyun is scared of marriage, or the idea of being tied down. As Sicheng had eloquently put it, they might as well be married.

Jaehyun isn’t scared of commitment, and the idea of marriage has the romantic in him hopelessly excited, but the idea that if they keep doing what they’re doing, marriage is the natural next step, that is what has Jaehyun feeling nervous.

On one hand he feels like time couldn’t go any slower if it tried, the healing process of his arm so excruciatingly slowly that everyday feels like a full twenty four hours he has to sit through. 

On the other hand - he feels like time is just flying past him. 

It feels like yesterday that he met Doyoung, but perhaps that has more to do with that giddy feeling he gets in his chest whenever he sees him, still unchanged since their first encounter, now almost two years ago.

Two years have gone by so fast he’s barely noticed. 

It’s even more difficult for him to imagine that before Doyoung, he was doing this alone. The constant travel, the new hotel every week, the endless plane rides, the demanding press - he did all of that on his own. 

It’s not something he ever wants to go back to. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun apologises once Doyoung comes out of the bathroom, dressed down in his pyjama shirt. “I’m sorry, I’m just… worried about my stats since I couldn’t finish this year.”

Doyoung hums, nodding to himself. 

“I get that,” he agrees, sitting down on their bed, opposite of Jaehyun. 

There’s a long moment of silence and Jaehyun almost wants to bring up Sicheng’s words, admitting that it’s driving him insane to think that he and Doyoung are forever, or they’re not at all. 

“Look,” Doyoung says, reaching out across the blanket to put his hand over Jaehyun’s. “You know what feels like forever? Those seven seconds between when Yuta calls your name and you answer… those seconds feel like the longest of my life.” 

“You count them,” Jaehyun states in disbelief.

“If you don’t answer after three - then I worry,” Doyoung says. “You always answer before three, Yuta always asks and you always say you’re fine. You’re sorry, but you’re fine - and that’s all I care about, that you’re _fine_.” 

Doyoung breathes in sharply, looking away from him as he says his next words. 

“Except you didn’t answer this time, Yuta had to ask you twice and I didn’t…” Doyoung stops himself, taking a deep breath. 

“It felt like _forever,_ ” Doyoung mocks begrudgingly “because I thought you were gone.” 

Jaehyun’s silent, looking at his cast arm in shame. 

He hadn’t thought of it before, Doyoung watching him from the pit, seeing the way he drove his car into the safety barriers. He _knows_ he watches for fun sometimes, but there’s a different undertone to it now. 

“Sorry,” Jaehyun apologises again, now for entirely different reasons. “I didn’t think-”

“You don’t have to be sorry, I get it,” Doyoung hushes, squeezing his hand. “It’s frustrating for you, you feel like you’re falling behind, but to me it’s…” 

Doyoung thinks about his next words for a while, biting his lip in hesitation. 

“For me it’s six weeks that I don’t have to worry, it’s kind of like a vacation.” 

Jaehyun can’t help but giggle, even if the implications of Doyoung’s words are anything but lighthearted. 

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun apologises again. Doyoung says nothing this time. “You know cars are safer-”

“Jaehyun, I build cars. I know they’re safe. It’s not a rational feeling to be scared. But I can’t be rational when it comes to you, what my heart feels is not rational,” Doyoung says defeatedly, searching out Jaehyun’s gaze.

The ringing in Jaehyun’s ears falls silent on Doyoung’s words, his heart hammering in his chest as he looks at Doyoung across the bed. 

Doyoung, whom he loves so much, who loves him so much that they’re struggling to put it to words. It doesn’t matter if time goes slow or fast, because when it’s just the two of them - Jaehyun feels it might very well be standing still. 

**2015**

Jaehyun’s injury recovers fast, faster than the doctor had anticipated. 

He’s well in shape by the first race, starting the season off with a P3. From there on, it’s only upwards. 

The season of 2015 becomes the year where Jaehyun’s finally confident in himself and his team. 

He knows what he’s got to work with at the start of every race and brings home solid results for almost all of them. Unlike last year, his results are consistent and his team become more and more accustomed to it, making sure Jaehyun has everything he needs to steal those podium places. 

The carbon fibre and the technicalities of the car are just one thing Jaehyun needs to get where he’s going and his team is understanding and supportive in every step. 

But there’s only so much his team can give him - what he needs most is Doyoung. 

Doyoung by his side after every race, telling him he did well in the privacy of their hotel room, proving to him that he’s worth it. Every race he wins, Doyoung is there to prove to him that success is only worth it if you get to share it with someone. 

Doyoung is also there when he doesn’t win. 

When either he or his team fails, mostly due to stupid mistakes or a terrible case of bad luck - Doyoung is there to listen to his complaints, to tell him it’s okay, promise him that he’ll do better next time. 

Jaehyun always believes him, no matter how awful he feels on that particular night. Doyoung always convinces him differently, picks him up when he’s down, but also winds him down on his wins when he feels like the high is never ending. 

More importantly, in the equation that ultimately leads to a win, Doyoung is a variable that cannot be omitted. 

Jaehyun couldn’t do this without him. 

It’s a conclusion that terrifies Jaehyun a little bit, as much as he trusts and loves Doyoung, they’re still _just_ in a relationship. Doyoung isn’t employed by his team or forced to stay with him, anything they do is out of pure want and admiration, out of love. 

It’s in the absence of Doyoung that he truly realises how much he needs him. 

As the end of the season approaches, Doyoung starts working offsite more and is called into the headquarters frequently, which means he can’t always be there to support Jaehyun every step of the way. 

Jaehyun can’t blame him, he’s not his babysitter - he’s only his partner, the love of his life, someone Jaehyun has let himself become so dependent on. 

It’s scary, but it also makes Jaehyun hopeful. 

They’ve been together for more than two years, lived together for half of that - and Jaehyun has grown so much since then, not only as a racer but as a person. 

He knows what he wants now, and as much as it is that world championship - it is also Doyoung. 

**JUNE 2015**

Jaehyun celebrates a first place in Austria, in the only way he wants to - over dinner with his friends. 

The parties are great but they always take a toll on his body, especially when the next Grand Prix is right around the corner. Jaehyun’s doing so well this season that he cannot afford to let poor health conditions get to him, so he opts out for the wild celebrations and instead asks Ten to join them for dinner.

It’s a quiet restaurant, where they’re seated in the back, a more private section as per Ten’s request. 

Ten and Doyoung aren’t the best of friends, Ten’s stories from working with Doyoung are always a fond memory for Ten to bring up, but not so much for Doyoung. 

Doyoung had told Jaehyun that he had hated working with Ten back in his old team, and that it was _mostly_ due to Ten’s insufferable character. 

Jaehyun thinks it’s how everything about them is contradicting.

Ten is loud about what he wants, which sometimes means he speaks before he thinks. It doesn’t mean he’s wrong, it just means that Jaehyun (and especially Doyoung, as an extension of that) is a little overwhelmed by it. 

Doyoung, always eager to prove people wrong, takes everything Ten says as an opportunity to argue, which means that most of their meetings end up in unresolved arguments. 

Jaehyun understands Doyoung, but he understands Ten too. 

Ten is a racer like him and they don’t always have the luxury of making planned decisions, of thinking everything through to the last detail before they have to choose. On the circuit Jaehyun doesn’t have the opportunity of seeing the outcome of a possible overtake, he just has to try and see if it works, hope for the best if anything. 

He’d tried explaining this to Doyoung, whenever his spontaneity got the best of him and he said something he hadn’t really meant, but Doyoung wasn’t a racer and he didn’t comprehend heat of the moment decisions in a way Jaehyun and Ten could. 

This makes Ten and Doyoung polar opposites. They play civil the best they can but that’s all Jaehyun can ask for. 

Everytime Jaehyun brings up Ten in front of Doyoung, he complains and whines about it. In return, whenever he speaks of Doyoung in front of Ten, Ten will make fun of him for it, making Doyoung the punchline of every jab.

Both parties had been hesitant to agree to a celebratory dinner together, so Jaehyun had compromised and said it was okay for Ten to bring Kun, because at the very least he and Doyoung could talk about cars if all else failed. 

Which is how Jaehyun finds himself in the current predicament, Doyoung sitting next to him, Ten sitting across from him, all eyes trained on him as Kun is running late.

The P1 victory hangs in the air between them, acting like a soft blanket to cover up the rough edges they would have felt otherwise.

“So, how does that feel, to be beat by Jaehyun?” Ten asks Doyoung, and Jaehyun can’t help but laugh. 

They never talk about it like that, only in passing as a joke. 

It would drive Jaehyun insane if Doyoung started holding him to his wins like that, because it entails being held for your losses as well. 

As good as Jaehyun is currently, Mercedes still has better cars and equipment, and any win Jaehyun takes is either his good luck, or Mercedes’ bad luck - as Baekhyun had retired early today, leaving Jaehyun a relatively easy win. 

Losing to Doyoung’s team was a predictable loss, but that didn’t mean he liked it, or liked talking about it. 

“It’s okay, I can live with it,” Doyoung lies, shaking his head to himself. “Jaehyun didn’t beat us, he beat our tire problem today.” 

“Is that what you call it,” Ten says, sipping his drink knowingly, “very civil, that’s cute.”

“It is not cute-” Doyoung starts, but Jaehyun cuts him off.

“Can we talk about something else? Anything else - anything that’s _not_ car related?” Jaehyun pleads, sensing the irritation piling up between Ten and Doyoung. 

Kun takes that moment to show up, excusing himself as he sits down by the table. 

Doyoung and Kun haven’t met before, so he introduces himself politely and Doyoung is interested right away, relieved to talk to someone that isn’t Ten. 

They do talk about cars over dinner, but Jaehyun forgives him and instead enjoys the opportunity to get a conversation with Ten, moving his chair over to sit next to him by the table. 

“He’s not so bad, maybe,” Ten admits over a sip of wine. “I can’t fault you for being tasteless, that’s on you.” 

“Shut up,” Jaehyun says, shoving at his shoulder playfully. 

“You didn’t let me finish!” Ten complains. “I was going to say that you are good together, as tasteless as it may be.” 

Jaehyun snorts. 

It may not be a compliment, but in Ten’s vocabulary it’s the closest thing so he still feels a happy little tingling in his belly. 

“He’s good for you,” Ten says. 

It’s not news to Jaehyun, but it’s always different to hear an outsider say this. 

“You think so?” Jaehyun asks.

“I know so,” Ten goes on. “You’ve changed a lot from that kid I met three years ago.” 

While Jaehyun can’t exactly argue with that (he’s fairly certain he has grown a couple centimeters since that), he still wants Ten to explain, sending him a pleading glance. 

“You’ve grown up and Doyoung really grounds you in that.”

“What do you mean?” 

“It means that yesterday you let one of those rookies drive past you, completely unsolicited. You didn’t consider blocking them.” 

“It was free training,” Jaehyun points out. 

Jongin had not joined them for the practice, meaning they invited one of the free driver rookies from their teams onto the tracks. Jaehyun liked to drive with them, admiring how dauntless they still were. 

“Old you would’ve _never_ let that happen,” Ten points out. “You wouldn’t let a rookie cut you in line for the bathroom if they asked.” 

Jaehyun laughs again but thinks that Ten might not be far off. 

Being with Doyoung has taken some of the edge off. He still wants to win, but he wants to win at his own pace with his own conditions. 

He doesn’t need to be competitive in every breath he takes because winning takes patience as much as it takes talent. 

And patient he can be, as long as he has Doyoung by his side. 

“I think you’re right,” Jaehyun agrees. 

“Yeah so, what I’m saying is, don’t let him go,” Ten goes on. 

Jaehyun’s heart sears in his ribcage, something so fond but resolute to the way Ten says it. 

He never wants to let Doyoung go, but that’s all in his head - this is different, this is like Sicheng and his stupid marriage remark all over again, except this time handed to him in a way he understands, a way that doesn’t worry him at all. 

“I won’t,” Jaehyun promises, looking at his partner seated across from him now. 

“I’m serious Jaehyunnie, I’m going to be the best man at your wedding,” Ten says threateningly, but Jaehyun just laughs, looking at Ten fondly.

**OCTOBER 2015**

Jaehyun hovers in the doorway to the Mercedes pit, feeling stupidly hopeful as he looks at Doyoung. It’s the first time in weeks that he’s catching Doyoung alone outside of their hotel room. 

Jaehyun had stayed back with Yuta to talk over some details, while the rest of his crew had retired for the night. Tomorrow was the qualification lap but as time was running into the later hours of the evening the circuit was going unusually quiet.

As always, Doyoung was staying behind to work late, leaving Jaehyun a nice view of him. 

He loved watching Doyoung work, loved the concentrated frown on his face and the beautiful way his lips purse when he thinks - he could watch it all day. 

Except he never gets to these days, so he savours the moment he has right now, right until Doyoung can feel he’s being watched and looks up to meet Jaehyun’s gaze. 

“Hi,” Jaehyun greets, still standing in the doorway.

“Hey babe,” Doyoung says, his eyes creasing when he smiles. 

“Are you still busy?” Jaehyun asks. 

Doyoung shakes his head and Jaehyun takes it as his cue to come inside.

“Come here,” Doyoung urges, patting the spot next to him on the plastic bench. 

Jaehyun sinks down easily, his legs still a little exhausted from the training. He shuffles up close to Doyoung, who puts an arm around Jaehyun’s waist, snaking it up under his jacket. 

“What’re you working on?” Jaehyun asks, pretending he’s interested in some of the paperwork in front of Doyoung. 

“Just some stuff for tomorrow, nothing interesting,” Doyoung says, gesturing vaguely over the papers. “I’d rather work on you instead.” 

Jaehyun laughs softly, reaching down to grab Doyoung’s knee and squeeze it softly. 

“Let’s go home then,” Jaehyun suggests. 

Home is far away but the hotel room they share has chilled orange juice and peanuts in the minibar and Jaehyun is salivating at the thought of it. 

It might as well be home. 

Anywhere, as long as Doyoung’s there. 

“Kiss me first,” Doyoung demands and Jaehyun chuckles softly before he tilts his head to the side to indulge him in his wish. 

It’s a lazy kiss, both tired to do more than nip at each other’s lips languidly. Still, Jaehyun’s a little lightheaded by it, so much so that they completely fail to notice someone else coming back into the pit.

“Oh! Sorry!” The voice calls out, clearly as shocked as Jaehyun and Doyoung when they jump apart. 

“Sorry,” Doyoung apologises with the hint of a laugh, clearly not as bothered as Jaehyun. “What are you doing here, Taeyong?”

“I forgot my charger here,” Taeyong says, picking something up from his desk. “The question is, what are you still doing here?”

Doyoung laughs. 

Jaehyun awkwardly looks away, the criticising gaze Taeyong throws him very unsettling. 

“I don’t think I’ve introduced you officially, Jaehyun this is Taeyong, our race engineer, Taeyong this is Jaehyun, my boyfriend.” 

Jaehyun looks back at this, cheeks flushing a little. 

“It’s nice to meet you,” he says, nodding at Taeyong. 

“Likewise,” Taeyong agrees. 

He’s never officially met Taeyong before but he’s heard plenty about him.

Doyoung doesn’t talk about work with Jaehyun, but if he does mention someone it’s usually Taeyong or Jungwoo. Doyoung had told him that Taeyong was one of his oldest friends. They’d been working together for years now but had been friends even longer, practically as long as Doyoung had worked in racing. 

Jaehyun had only seen Taeyong at parties or in passing and had never been properly introduced - until now.

“You shouldn’t stay up too late,” Taeyong says, directed at Doyoung. “You too Jaehyun, you need to be in good shape for tomorrow.” 

Jaehyun knows this very well, but finds it a little unsettling again that Taeyong is telling him this right now. It sounds condescending, like a preschool teacher more than a race engineer. Jaehyun wonders if he makes Baekhyun apologise to the grass after driving over it. 

“We were just headed back,” Doyoung promises. 

Taeyong still looks unconvinced, his big sad eyes looking at Doyoung accusingly. 

“Now, actually,” Doyoung says as he gets to his feet, pulling Jaehyun up with him.

“Okay great, I’ll see you tomorrow!” Taeyong says, waving at the both of them as he exits the pit. 

It’s a strange encounter but Jaehyun thinks he’s probably just very tired. Doyoung is no better and they forget to tell the taxi driver their address for a solid thirty seconds, before the man awkwardly asks again. 

“Taeyong seems… nice,” Jaehyun speaks into the darkness of the backseat 

“Taeyong is Taeyong, he’s a bit… overprotective, but he’s a good friend,” Doyoung explains.

“We never hang out with your friends,” Jaehyun points out, trying to be casual. 

He had tried very hard to make amends between Ten and Doyoung, admittedly two of the most important people of his life but Jaehyun hadn’t met any of Doyoung’s friends.

Naturally they weren’t in a position to have casual friends outside of racing. Jaehyun had one friend back at home that he still talked to from time to time, but everything else was locked up in their world.

Doyoung was no different, his closest friends all on the same team as him. 

“Do you want to?” Doyoung asks carefully, grabbing Jaehyun’s hand in the car seat between them. 

“It’s just strange, I don’t really… know who you talk to all day,” Jaehyun says.

“Well Taeyong does most of the talking like you just heard,” Doyoung laughs. “But it’s not like you and Ten, we don’t really get free time to hang out and I don’t really talk to Taeyong much about you, or about anything but work.” 

“Why not?” Jaehyun feels hopelessly young again, asking all these questions - but the way Taeyong had glared at him is still unsettling when he thinks back.

“Just not something we talk about,” Doyoung says, shrugging. 

Granted, Ten and Jaehyun talked about a lot that didn’t concern Doyoung and his usual outlet for things Doyoung related was Yuta, who hadn’t even formally been introduced to Doyoung yet and probably knew more than he was comfortable with. 

“Okay,” Jaehyun settles for, thinking it’s probably just that. Doyoung doesn’t have to talk about him with his friends, if only because Doyoung is so much better at internalising things. 

“I’m going to close my eyes, and if I fall asleep before we get back, please wake me up instead of trying to carry me upstairs.” 

Jaehyun laughs softly, squeezing Doyoung’s hand once more before he too closes his eyes. 

**NOVEMBER 2015**

Singapore is a night race, the only time of the day that the weather allows it. 

It makes Jaehyun’s P4 for the world championship that year a late victory, one they celebrate deep into the night. Jongin is P5, and their victory party is possibly the most expensive party anyone’s ever organised just for him. 

A hotel rooftop bar is rented out, a live band playing music and an open bar serving all the guests. Jaehyun feels like a celebrity, guests asking for autographs and striking up conversations all through the night. 

Last year there wasn’t much to celebrate with his cast still on and a measly P6 as result. Most eyes had been on Jongin, a P5 at Jaehyun’s expense but still deserved nonetheless.

This year the roles are reversed, all eyes trained on Jaehyun, who basks in the attention - if only for tonight. 

It’s a long night, the party loud and seemingly endless, just like the drinks. Jaehyun tries to keep most drinks virgin, not wanting to spoil the rest of the evening. 

Doyoung isn’t there - has his own win to celebrate and his own party to attend to. 

Mercedes had called the constructors championship a couple races ago but with Baekhyun’s second consecutive world championship, there was something worth celebrating in a skyscraper just down the road. 

Deep down Jaehyun wanted him to be there, share his success with him - and Doyoung would feel the same, wanting to be with him, bathe in the glory together. It wasn’t in the cards for them right now, but standing there with the whole city beneath him, Jaehyun feels like there’s nothing he can’t do. 

One day they’ll stand here together, sharing the success hand in hand. 

For now, Jaehyun has to settle for Yuta’s blinding smile after he throws back another shot. 

“Podium next year, alright?” Yuta urges, and Jaehyun feels the promise heavy on his shoulders. 

Yuta says it easily, but he means every word of it - his plans for next year are even more promising than this. He’s going to stand there on that podium, it’s no longer just a dream but a realistic outcome. 

“I’ll try my best,” he promises, and Yuta laughs, pulls him in for another hug and ruffles his hair. 

“You're brilliant, mate,” Yuta says, sitting him down by the bar. “I mean it, I’ve never worked with anyone like you, and I-” he hiccups, giggling as he does so. 

It’s a strange declaration, in the middle of a loud and rowdy hotel bar, but over the years Jaehyun has known him he expects nothing less. 

“I just wanna say thank you.” 

“Thank you?” Jaehyun asks, laughing. “I’m the one that should be thanking you.” 

“I’m just…” Yuta says, searching for words and patting his shoulder. “I’m just saying, Doyoung’s a lucky guy.”

Jaehyun’s not sure what to make of that statement and can’t afford to dwell on it because in the corner of his eye he sees the screen of his phone light up. 

Said lucky guy is texting him, saying he’s on his way back to their hotel now. 

Everything else falls short. 

“Can you do me a favour?” Jaehyun asks, hopping off the bar stool. “Tell everyone I went out for some air. I’m retiring for the night.” 

“Of course,” Yuta promises. 

Jaehyun thanks him again before he heads for the elevator with light steps, admittedly a little dizzy from the drinks. 

The elevator takes him down to the 37th floor, where his hotel room is located. 

The contrast of the silent hotel hallway with the party rings in Jaehyun’s ears but it’s only quiet until he enters his room. 

Doyoung must’ve gotten back just moments before him, standing by the dressoir, still clad in his expensive designer suit. He’s just zipping up the Armani travel bag set they’d purchased together recently. 

“Hey,” Doyoung greets in a whisper when he looks at Jaehyun, face splitting into a grin as Jaehyun closes the distance between them, pulling him in for a hug. 

It’s a warm and comforting embrace. Doyoung smells like his cologne and their shower gel, and Jaehyun _never_ wants to let him go. 

“Hi” Jaehyun breathes as they part, staring him down. 

Doyoung’s dress shirt is tucked into his slacks, showcasing the sharp line of his hips. Jaehyun’s fingers ghost the hem of the dress pants, curling it down teasingly.

“Eager much?” Doyoung asks, laughing breathlessly. 

Eager doesn’t begin to cover what Jaehyun is feeling, the anticipation of seeing Doyoung tonight itching restlessly under his skin all through the evening. 

“Thought about you all night,” Jaehyun admits sheepishly, a pink blush staining his cheeks. 

He’s not shy to admit it, but the way Doyoung looks at him makes him flustered. His gaze is so admiring, eyes turning into crescents as he smiles fondly at Jaehyun. 

“I’m so proud of you,” he whispers. 

The words are simple but send a shiver down his spine.

Jaehyun lives to hear these words, to have Doyoung’s validation. It’s more than a sexual thing, it’s a dependency that he’s scared to admit or think about. 

He flushes under it, looking down at his hands. 

“I mean it, baby,” Doyoung hums, taking Jaehyun’s hands in his, “ _and_ you look really good in this suit,” Doyoung adds casually, brushing something off Jaehyun’s shoulder. 

Jaehyun feels his heart in his throat, anticipation tingling in his fingers as he reaches out, grabs the lapels of Doyoung’s jacket and pulls him in close with practiced ease, brushing their lips together softly. 

His hand drops to Doyoung’s hip, sliding under the jacket and resting on the thin dress shirt, as their lips mold together, Doyoung pleasantly surprised as he winds his arms around Jaehyun’s neck. 

Doyoung stumbles back against the dressoir, gasping into Jaehyun’s mouth as he’s shoved back against it, tugging helplessly at Jaehyun’s suit jacket for support.

“You could just ask if you want it off,” Jaehyun says, smirking as he helps himself out of the jacket. 

Doyoung mumbles an incoherent objection against Jaehyun’s lips, which Jaehyun cuts short by licking into his mouth, teasing his tongue against the roof of his mouth. 

“Brat,” Doyoung scoffs when he pulls away, helping himself out of his suit jacket. 

Jaehyun chuckles, kissing him again, enjoying the softness of his lips, the sweet champagne he tastes like.

“How much did you drink?” Doyoung asks, probably sensing the same hint of alcohol on Jaehyun’s tongue.

“Just some champagne,” Jaehyun answers and Doyoung hums appreciatively. 

“Yeah, I can taste that,” he confirms with a small chuckle, kissing Jaehyun again. “You taste expensive.” 

“That makes two of us,” Jaehyun breathes back into his mouth, pausing only a moment as he starts to play with the buttons of Doyoung’s shirt.

“Makes me wanna fuck you on those expensive bedsheets,” Doyoung whispers. 

Jaehyun’s knees nearly give out altogether, leaning forward to crash against Doyoung. 

“Yeah?” Jaehyun asks when he’s found his balance again, nosing against the column of Doyoung’s neck. 

The small kisses leave a trail of goosebumps down Doyoung’s skin, Jaehyun’s tongue mapping them out to that one point behind Doyoung’s ear that has him keening, grabbing Jaehyun’s hips tightly. 

“Fuck,” Doyoung gasps, trying to still him and his hands that are working their way down the buttons of his shirt. “I have a better idea.” 

He leans forward, slowly walking Jaehyun back into their hotel room. 

Just when Jaehyun thinks they reach the bed and he prepares for Doyoung to put him down, Doyoung tugs on his waist and instead moves him back even further until he is up against the tall glass walls, overlooking the city. 

Jaehyun gasps when his back hits the wall, the coldness pressing right through the material of his shirt. 

Doyoung kisses him again, this time with more tongue and determination, hands working quickly on the buttons of Jaehyun’s shirt. His hands are quick, Jaehyun can feel the stress from the past week seeping out, the season finally over - they finally have time for each other. 

With a satisfied grunt Doyoung finally gets the last button off, yanking it to the side to get his hands on the muscle of Jaehyun’s tummy. When Jaehyun’s belt buckle is undone, Doyoung reaches up to put his arm against the window, palm flat and fanning out over the glass, trapping Jaehyun’s body against the wall. 

Jaehyun’s breath hitches, hips stuttering forward to crash against Doyoung’s, knees going wobbly all over again. 

“Here?” Jaehyun breathes into the space between them, small as it may be. 

Doyoung licks his lips, humming appreciatively as he traces a hand down Jaehyun’s naked chest, gaze so piercing Jaehyun can almost feel it. 

“Yeah, here,” Doyoung agrees, tapping Jaehyun’s side with his hand. “Turn around for me, babe."

Jaehyun doesn’t know how fast to comply with that, nearly falling over his own feet as he does so.

When he comes face to face with the view, his breath halts in his throat. 

It’s after midnight, but the city is by no means quiet, evidently so as Jaehyun looks out the window. It’s dark, but the city lights shine so bright it's almost blinding. 

A heavy white fog hangs over it, hanging like a blanket of smoke outside their window. The lights twinkle through it, blinding when Jaehyun squints and tries to take in the sight. 

“Wow,” he exhales dazedly, breath fogging up the glass briefly. 

He puts his hands on it, fingertips gently touching the glass to check that it’s real, the view so very clear he struggles to believe it. 

Looking down, he can see where his toes press against the glass, ending right there, the traffic jam and people so far underneath them, he can’t make it out through the blur of the white mist. 

Doyoung’s hand rests on his back, teasing the nudges in his skin of his spine, his nails gently grazing past his lower back as Jaehyun tries to engrain the view into his memory, hoping he never forgets. 

“Yeah, wow indeed,” Doyoung breathes against the shell of his ear, hands running from his neck down his shoulders, grazing past his arms before he puts his palms flat against the window, caging Jaehyun in again. 

Doyoung’s lips latch to his neck at the same time his hand slides down flat against his tummy, pulling Jaehyun back against him. His teeth tease gently at the red bruise he’s just sucked into Jaehyun’s skin. Jaehyun hiccups out a moan, Doyoung’s hand teasing at the hem of his slacks now, nails gently scratching the skin. 

With each inch his hand goes lower, Jaehyun’s hips stutter until he falls flat against the window, the cool window pane pressing against the hardness in his jeans as a painful relief. 

Just when Jaehyun thinks Doyoung is done teasing him, his hand comes down and he pinches Jaehuyn’s nipple - the filthy moan turning into more of a cry as he falls forward against the window, pressing his forehead against it. 

“Fuck,” he curses, eagerly wriggling his hips to try and get any friction, Doyoung quickly stilling them. 

“Stay still for me,” Doyoung says, finally putting his hands around to undo the button on Jaehyun’s slacks and drag the fabric down his hips to his thighs. Doyoung doesn’t bother pulling them any further, leaving them to fall down Jaehyun’s legs. 

He’s trapped between Doyoung and the window that he can’t kick them off his feet, instead whining impatiently when Doyoung’s hands leave him altogether. 

He hears Doyoung unzip his own slacks, the rustling of fabric before Doyoung’s hands are back, one on his cock and one cupping his ass through the fabric of his boxers. 

“Please,” Jaehyun begs embarrassingly, rutting his hips back to feel anything, but Doyoung stills his hips before he can get anywhere, adamant on keeping him there. 

“What did I say?” He asks condescendingly, hooking his thumbs in the fabric of Jaehyun’s boxers and dragging them down. 

Jaehyun winces, urging his hips back a little as his cock springs free, the coolness of the window against it has him gasping. Doyoung chuckles right in his ear, breath hot and heavy on his neck as he inches him back a little, pressing down on his lower back to bend him forward. 

The next thing Jaehyun feels is the coolness of the lube Doyoung must have gotten out of their bags earlier. Doyoung lets it drip down his hole, coating his thighs in wetness, and Jaehyun whines, pretty sure it’s dripping down to the slacks around ankles. 

That’s going to be _hell_ to explain once the stylist finds it on his suit. 

“What are you-” Jaehyun starts, furrowing his brow in confusion as Doyoung’s hand smears the lube all over his supple thighs, before the pieces click into place in his head.

“You’re not going to fuck me?” Jaehyun whines pitifully before he can think better, and Doyoung yanks him backwards, fitting snug against Doyoung’s naked chest. 

“That’s right, ‘m not gonna fuck you,” Doyoung hums, one hand grabbing Jaehyun’s hips so hard to keep him in place, it’ll bruise tomorrow and Jaehyun will secretly love how it hurts.

“Squeeze your thighs for me,” Doyoung commands, catching him by surprise as his hand comes around to wrap around his neglected cock. 

Jaehyun nearly weeps, almost forgetting to squeeze his thighs together at all until he feels Doyoung’s cock tease between his legs, trailing gently against the softness of his thigh. 

“Come on baby,” Doyoung urges him on.

Jaehyun’s not sure how he manages, his legs almost giving in altogether with the way Doyoung teases his hand up and down his cock, the way his thighs sensitive as they are become the perfect combination of hot and wet for Doyoung to slide his cock through. 

His little pants for air, accompanied by small breathy moans echo between the walls are fogging up the glass of the window as his cheek presses against it, too far gone to keep upright.

Doyoung decides to silence him, brushing two digits across Jaehyun’s lower lip that he eagerly sucks on. It’s so overwhelming, the endless city lights behind him and the feeling of Doyoung’s cock between the hot muscles of his thighs. It’s so intimate yet exposed, the stain of his breath on the glass reminding him exactly where they are. 

He can hear Doyoung’s short hiccuping breaths ghosting over the shell of his ear as he fucks him. His thighs are quivering, Doyoung’s hand on his cock just the right amount of pressure, matching his pace with the way he’s fucking his thighs. 

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun whines, pressing his forehead against the coolness of the window. It’s a stark contrast to the way he feels on fire, his skin so hot to touch, heat maddening with every touch of Doyoung’s hand. 

The fingers in his mouth have him drooling over the words, any attempt dissolved in moans as Doyoung’s hands get quicker, his thrusts sloppy until Jaehyun cries out his name, He collapses back against him as he comes, blinded by the sweet torture rubbing on his thighs and Doyoung’s hand working on him. 

It splatters all over the window but he’s too far gone to think about that, throwing his head back to rest on Doyoung’s shoulder as he cries out, screwing his eyes shut tightly.

When he opens them back up he sees the reflection of them in the low light from the light on their nightstand. Jaehyun looks absolutely ravaged, lips red and swollen, neck adorned with bruises. 

“Fuck,” he whimpers, looking at himself, seeing the way Doyoung’s hands are pressing dents into his skin, his cock still fucking between his thighs. The friction against his thighs is slick and so good as he feels Doyoung’s hot breath panting against his neck and he clamps his thighs down again, reveling in the way it makes Doyoung gasp. 

Doyoung’s hips stutter as he moans into Jaehyun’s ear, his pace sloppy and erratic now, and a few shallow thrusts later Doyoung comes too, painting the window white once more. 

It takes a while for him to come down from that high, staring open mouthed at the view as he tries to catch his breath. He’s coated in a layer of sweat, the lube dripping down his legs. It’s so filthy yet he’s too fucked out to peel himself away from Doyoung. 

Doyoung gently guides him back to bed, helping him down on the expensive duvet. They sit together, Jaehyun leaning into Doyoung’s side as he tries to catch his breath, Doyoung's hand gently trailing up and down his side. 

Eventually they make it to the bathroom, but Jaehyun’s too worn out to stand up in the shower, his legs so shaky that Doyoung sets him down in the tub instead. He sits behind him and gently lathers up his hair to wash it, Jaehyun enjoying the way his hands massage his scalp, almost falling asleep back against Doyoung’s chest. 

When both of them are thoroughly clean, Doyoung helps him dry off and back into bed, Jaehyun resting on his side to catch the view outside again. Doyoung snuggles up behind him, arm wrapped around his waist securely with his head propped up on the pillow to look over Jaehyun’s shoulder, out at the same breathtaking view.

Jaehyun won’t ever grow tired of the feeling of victory, but he’s even more certain he’ll never grow tired of this. 

**MARCH 2016**

Jaehyun can feel it with every fibre of his being, _this_ is the year. 

Red Bull Racing is going to put him on the podium. 

The car release had been nothing but press chaos, everyone eager to find out the details of Jaehyun’s new car and just how good it is this year. Jaehyun had been very eager as well, dying to know just what he was working with. 

Ten had told him one late night in a hotel bar that at some point, the gear you had to work with was so good - the only variable in the game was you, your actions, your thinking. 

You were the player, the car was just part of the game now. 

It was all about your confidence in the car, if you trusted it enough - then that podium he was going for wasn’t far off. 

Jaehyun felt like that moment was creeping closer and closer. If not this year, then definitely next year. 

His team kept improving, working smoother as he got to know them better, and there were very few limitations to the car, nothing bad enough to disadvantage him in a race. 

It was coming down to just his talent, focus - and luck. 

Luck he couldn’t purchase, so he had to settle for excelling in the other two. 

Training became stricter and he didn’t let himself leave earlier just because he felt like it. He no longer saw free training as optional, always taking the opportunity to get to know the circuit better than anyone else, find and take every advantage that he can. 

Which meant there was less time to enjoy the luxuries of his lifestyle. 

He crashed a lot of nights in that old onsite studio apartment he once had at Red Bull racing headquarters, meaning he didn’t get to come home to Doyoung and enjoy their evenings. 

Doyoung understood very well and never bothered him about it, but that did not mean Jaehyun didn’t feel guilty when he spent nights alone in bed, thinking about his partner back home. 

It didn’t get much better once the season picked up. 

Flying in and out of foreign places, they were lucky if they ended up staying at the same hotel and could spend a night together. 

At work Jaehyun was too busy and the better he got, the more work started to blur into his private life. 

He had to shoot commercials and other promotion materials, or just stupid behind the scenes videos to fill out the gaps in promotions, and all of them were shot in studious or far away locations where he couldn’t come home to Doyoung.

It was very simple - the better Jaehyun got, the less time he had to spend with Doyoung. 

Living together helped, because at least they got to sleep together, but sometimes that was all they did for weeks, and Jaehyun found himself wondering when was the last time they had a conversation. 

It was difficult and it only became harder.

“How do you and Kun keep up?” Jaehyun asks Ten in a stolen moment where they have time for coffee.

“Keep up with what?” Ten asks. 

He’s ordered two mocha lattes, fat sugary drinks that make Jaehyun feel a little guilty about the strict diet his physical therapist has put him on, but not guilty enough to decline. 

“This,” Jaehyun gestures, the circuit laid out underneath them as they sip their coffee on one of the empty bleachers. “How do you find time to be together?” 

Ten shrugs. “We don’t really have to.” 

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun asks, furrowing his brows.

“I mean we work together. The only time we don’t see each other is when I’m driving, which is a few hours a week at most. I think I deserve that personal time off,” Ten says, sipping his coffee.

“Well Doyoung and I don’t work together,” Jaehyun mumbles, as if coming to the tragic realisation just now. 

“We keep… missing each other.” 

Ten hums knowingly, sipping his drink. 

“I get that,” he says. “You’re both busy with different things, that’s bound to happen.” 

“I hate it,” Jaehyun admits. 

He wouldn’t say it to Doyoung, would never complain about what he does, or ask Doyoung to do anything but his dream job - but in the privacy of this conversation, he can admit it to himself. 

“I hate how busy he is, how much time we have to spend apart.”

“You realise how hypocritical this sounds, right?” Ten suggests, and Jaehyun bites his tongue.

He knows he’s selfish, knows he has no business wanting what he wants - he feels much like a toddler, fists balled and pouting until he gets something he knows he can’t have. 

He just _wants_ Doyoung there. 

Living together and travelling together and taking every chance they get isn’t enough, it doesn’t feel like enough. It will never be enough. 

“I _know_ ,” Jaehyun bites out. “I know it’s hypocritical and I’m being selfish, but…” but he _wants_ to be selfish. 

“But you feel like you have to choose,” Ten adds for him. 

“I can’t choose, you know that,” Jaehyun mumbles. The thought alone feels like blasphemy, like Ten is suggesting they commit a crime 

“There’s no choice, I have to race.”

“I know,” Ten soothes, brushing a hand down his shoulder. 

The tone of the conversation is hostile and Ten’s next words are strained. 

“I’ve been where you are. You think you can’t quit, you’ll never _quit_ \- you think this is all there is.” 

“It’s not?” Jaehyun asks hopelessly, searching out Ten’s gaze. 

Ten swallows visibly, putting his drink down. “You can’t see it now, but after you win...” 

A conversation replays in Jaehyun’s head, one he had with Doyoung on one of their first meetings. 

It gets boring, it gets _repetitive_. 

Only so many trophies can fit the shelves in his office - and starstruck nineteen year old Jaehyun had thought Doyoung only said it to impress, but it had been a solemn warning. 

“I’m just doing it for the money now,” Ten admits. “Money’s good, if I keep this up for another year or two I’ll never have to worry about that again.” 

Jaehyun from four years ago would have punched Ten for the suggestion that there was anything to this but raw ambition. That Jaehyun could never imagine anything coming close to the joy of screeching tires. 

Jaehyun today knows it’s not that simple, but he still wishes it was. 

“So you’re going to quit?” Jaehyun asks, happy to steer the conversation in a different direction. 

Ten shrugs. 

“Not soon, but maybe next season. It depends on what they offer me at the end of this one.” 

Jaehyun swallows bitterly.

Ten can’t just _quit_. 

Ten is the only one that understands just what he’s going through - not even Doyoung can dig into his thoughts far enough to tear out the answers Jaehyun needs to hear. It doesn’t matter that they don’t see each other much, he needs the assurance that Ten is always around when he needs to talk to someone. 

“Hey,” Ten says, probably seeing the way Jaehyun’s face falls. “Just because I quit, doesn’t mean I won’t be here. Kun still has forty years to go before he can retire.” 

It’s a painfully heartfelt laugh but Jaehyun laughs nonetheless. 

“You? A stay at home husband? I don’t think so.” Jaehyun says, shaking his head to himself. 

“Exactly. I’ll be around, don’t worry about that.” 

It’s not what really worries Jaehyun. 

It’s that Ten _is_ retiring, meaning that things are shifting inside the racing world. 

Ten’s retirement means there are new seats to be filled, new people brought in - people that could be better rookies than Jaehyun ever was. Competition, that’s what they could be - and Jaehyun will never be allowed to do anything less than his best to ensure he beats the competition, that he delivers the best _of_ the best. 

“You better be,” Jaehyun assures. “I wasn’t joking when I said I wanted you as my best man.” 

“Promise,” Ten says, a cheeky grin across his lips as he sips the last of his coffee.

**JUNE 2016**

Jaehyun feels like he hasn’t even touched down from Austria when he’s standing by their bed, packing another weekend bag. 

“Are you sure this is necessary?” Jaehyun asks for the tenth time. 

He knows there is very little point to arguing with Doyoung, who doesn’t know how to stop when he has his mind made up. 

“It’s a routine procedure, there is no need for you to bring all of this,” he points out, shoving a clean pyjama shirt into the bag against his better judgement. 

“I’m just preparing, in case something goes wrong,” Doyoung calls from the bathroom on a mouthful of toothpaste. “If I have to stay the night I want my own pillow, my pyjamas - and my slippers, did you pack my slippers?”

“Yes, I packed your slippers,” Jaehyun calls back, rolling his eyes. 

“Good, pack something for yourself as well, something to entertain yourself with while I’m in surgery.” 

“I’m gonna hold your hand during the surgery, you idiot,” Jaehyun says, laughing to himself as he zips the bag up and plops it down on the floor. “And this is ridiculous, I’m going to make you unpack your own bag when you get home.”

“If I can still see then I will happily do so,” Doyoung teases, coming out of the bathroom in his pyjamas. 

Tomorrow is the day that Doyoung has been complaining about for weeks, the day of his lasik eye surgery. 

What had come to him on a stupid whim in the morning (‘I hate that I can’t see you when I wake up in the morning, you look so cute’ ‘why don’t you get lasik then?’) was now happening. Since Jaehyun suggested it, he also felt responsible for helping Doyoung out. 

That, and Doyoung needed someone he could be entirely dependent on after the surgery. 

They had just returned from Austria and Jaehyun’s next race was in two weeks. Silverstone was nearby and meant less travelling. It was the perfect time window for the surgery, which meant that tomorrow was _the day_.

Well, Jaehyun still had his doubts about that, wondering if Doyoung was actually going through with it, as much as he’d complained and doubted it before. 

They order in, Doyoung’s favourite food (he gets all the privileges tonight), eat in bed and watch reruns of the TV shows they missed in Vienna. 

Not until they’re tucked in under the covers and Jaehyun’s head is resting on Doyoung’s chest, comfortably cuddled up, does Doyoung bring it up yet again. 

“I know I’m overthinking this, but I’m scared,” Doyoung admits softly, Jaehyun feeling the rumble in his chest as he talks. 

“You know I’m more likely to crash my car than you are to have complications during your surgery?” Jaehyun offers. 

Of course he’d done the math, looked up the complication rate of the surgery. 

The 2% - 4% still stands shy next to the life insurance he has, tased down to a morbid 4,4% chance of death following an accident on the circuit. 

“Thanks, that makes me feel better,” Doyoung says sarcastically, holding Jaehyun tighter in his arms. 

“I love you and I love how you overthink and use your beautiful brain to think up all possible scenarios - but maybe you should sit this one out? You’re not a medical professional,” Jaehyun tries rational reasoning, the only way to get Doyoung out of these worry loops. 

“ _You’re_ not a medical professional,” Doyoung taunts, jabbing a finger at Jaehyun’s forearm. 

Jaehyun chuckles, leaning up to kiss the pout off Doyoung’s lips. 

“Would you still love me if I was blind?”

“I would do anything for you,” Jaehyun says in a heartbeat - they’ve had this conversation five times already, once today on the plane home - now again in bed. 

“I would be blind, not immobile,” Doyoung complains again. 

“But…” he purses his lips, sighing “if I was blind I wouldn’t be able to do this job. I can't build wind tunnels if I don’t have eyes, I can’t do complex math if I can’t _see_ it.” 

“So, would you still love me if I couldn’t… be this person?” Doyoung asks, his voice a little thin. 

Jaehyun looks up suddenly, eyes wide as he meets Doyoung’s gaze. 

It’s a genuine concern - none of that pre-surgery anxiety that drives him up the wall, but an actual worry that lies far beyond the surgery. 

“Of course I would,” Jaehyun says, reaching up to brush a strand of hair away from Doyoung’s forehead. 

Doyoung exhales shakily, and Jaehyun’s heart aches as he cups his face. 

“Of course I would still love you, I will love you no matter what you do. But I will love you more if you do something _you_ love.”

“Good,” Doyoung breathes out, trying to gather himself. Jaehyun can feel his heart race under him. “Then I guess I’m having the surgery tomorrow.” 

“Did you really think that I would leave you for that?” Jaehyun asks.

“No,” Doyoung admits “and I don’t really think that they’re going to fuck up tomorrow and leave me blind, but just in case, I’m prepared.” 

“You’re so…” Jaehyun trails off, sighing, “don’t ever change.” 

“Now, don’t you wanna see me naked one last time?” Jaehyun suggests.Doyoung hits him playfully, shoving at his shoulder to push him off and straddle him. 

∆

“Mr. Kim,” a nurse calls when she comes into the waiting room. 

Doyoung is so nervous, Jaehyun regrets having caffeine in the morning because Doyoung’s anxiety is wearing off on him, making him nervous _too_. 

He’s so startled he nearly falls out of his chair when they’re called.

“Alright, come on,” Jaehyun urges, pulling Doyoung up and to his side. He has the stupid weekend bag slung over his shoulder. 

The nurse sits them down in the procedure room, a big scary laser machine standing in the corner, staring Doyoung down. 

“We’re just going to do a quick eye exam, and then run through some questions.” 

Doyoung’s had around five eye exams in the past few weeks, so this is familiar, and he visibly relaxes as the nurse gets to work. 

Jaehyun stands in the corner of the room, bag in hand while watching awkwardly. 

“Everything looks fine. You’ve got someone here to drive you home after the surgery, your husband?” The nurse asks, looking at Jaehyun. 

“Uh,” Doyoung stammers, looking at her in confusion. “Yeah, my boyfriend, he’ll drive me home.” 

“Good, that is good,” the nurse scribbles that down. “And what’s your name, sir? Just so we know who to contact.”

“Jung, Jaehyun,” Jaehyun explains, cheeks still tinting a morbid shade of red from the implication the nurse just made. 

His _husband_.

“Alright Mr. Jung, we’ll get you a chair so you can sit,” she says sweetly. “Would you like a coffee or tea while you wait?”

“No thanks, I’m good,” the thought alone of more caffeine is so overwhelming he might actually black out and need to call a taxi home for them. 

He sits down by Doyoung’s side, holding his hand as he thinks about the nurse’s words. 

“Are _you_ nervous?” Doyoung asks. “I’m about to have someone cut into my eyeball, you have no right to be nervous.” 

“I’m not!” Jaehyun says, putting up his hand in defense. 

The doctor enters the room moments later, a young and cheerful woman that puts Jaehyun at ease right away.

“Mister Kim, good to see you today.” She says, putting her chart down. “Are you a little nervous?” 

“A lot,” Jaehyun answers for him, because Doyoung would never admit it. 

“Is this your husband, Mr. Kim? Well I see you have an excellent driver for the ride home.” 

Jaehyun’s brain does that thing where it short circuits and loops the word husband again and again, just like five minutes ago when the nurse had said it. 

“I’m gonna ask you to take a seat right over there for the procedure,” she says, gesturing at the family chair in the corner of the room. 

Jaehyun sits there, looking at Doyoung, who searches his eyes out every now and then as a means of comfort. Jaehyun smiles at him supportively, as if to tell him that it’s fine - it’s just a twenty minute procedure, and that Jaehyun is right there - not a medical professional but definitely the moral support he needs.

When the surgery is over, they wrap Doyoung’s eyes in the sexiest plastic goggles Jaehyun has ever seen, and he tries to keep a straight face as Doyoung puts them on, blinking blearily.

“Is that all?” He asks. 

The doctor agrees with a chuckle.

“Yes, sir, that is all. I’m going to give your husband some instructions on the eye drops, it’s very important that you take them with regular intervals.” 

She rants on and on about the drops, how for the first four hours he needs them every fifteen minutes - and even if he naps, a common occurrence after the adrenaline wears off, Jaehyun needs to wake him and make sure he takes them. 

Jaehyun’s already looking forward to it, waking Doyoung up is his favourite pastime.

“And, Mr. Jung - if it’s not too much to ask, could I get your autograph? It’s for my son, he’s a huge fan.” 

Jaehyun laughs, Doyoung whining in the doorway as he quickly signs the other end of the medication slip, ripping it off and handing it back to the doctor.

“I can’t believe I just had major surgery and my husband is signing autographs.” Doyoung complains from the doorway. 

The doctor laughs. 

“Rest assured Mr. Kim, I’m sure your husband will take excellent care of you.” 

∆

Jaehyun does take excellent care of him. 

When they get home Doyoung complains that he’s dizzy and that he just wants to lie down, so Jaehyun makes up a bed for him on the sofa and sets an alarm every 30 minutes to make sure he takes the eye drops. 

Doyoung is grumpy when he wakes up, but lets Jaehyun help him and then goes right back to sleep. They keep that up for the first four hours, until Doyoung complains that he’s hungry when he wakes up and Jaehyun goes to make him some lunch. 

His vision is still a little blurry, and Jaehyun still finds the safety goggles a little funny whenever he looks at them. Still he’s relieved Doyoung seems to be fine, not experiencing any pain and being able to _see_ just fine.

“Stop laughing at me,” Doyoung grits out. “I can still see you, you know?” He points out, stuffing his mouth full of rice. 

“I think it looks good on you,” Jaehyun compliments. “Now how are you feeling, any pain? Do I need to get you some aspirin?” 

“I’m fine,” Doyoung says. “I will unpack my bag,” he continues and Jaehyun snorts.

“I told you you’d be fine,” he teases, putting Doyoung’s plate down on the coffee table. 

“I’ll go unpack that bag for you and then I’ll make you some tea, and we’ll watch a movie, alright?” Jaehyun suggests. Doyoung whines but agrees, curling in on himself as Jaehyun gets up. 

Doyoung ends up completely fine. 

By the end of the day his eyes don’t feel any different than this morning and he complains about how he can suddenly see everything much better but that there’s nothing but rain to see in London. 

They go to bed early and Jaehyun brings up what he’s been holding onto all day then. 

In the darkness of their bedroom, Jaehyun finally dares to say it. 

“You called me your husband at the clinic today.”

Doyoung laughs, a soft rumble that Jaehyun hears in his chest. 

“I was high on the sedation,” he explains.

“It was a local anaesthetic in your eye,” Jaehyun points out. 

“Exactly. You do the math,” Doyoung prompts him, but Jaehyun can’t even _count_ right now, mulling over the implications in his head. 

“Goodnight,” Doyoung murmurs then, leaning down to kiss the crown of Jaehyun’s head. 

“Goodnight,” Jaehyun breathes back, but it takes a while before he’s asleep. 

**SEPTEMBER 2016**

Jaehyun always enjoys the races in Singapore. 

It’s a beautiful city and the night races are a different kind of adventure. 

He searches Ten out on day one of the Singapore Grand Prix, just before the free training that afternoon, telling him that he needs help. 

Ten protests but cancels whatever appointment he had, meeting Jaehyun in the lobby of his hotel. Jaehyun doesn’t say anything but hi, asking Ten to follow him as he heads outside and fetches a taxi. 

Jaehyun remains quiet about the destination until the taxi stops outside it, driver walking around to let the both of them out. 

If he tells Ten where they are going before they get there, he’s sure he won’t have the guts to actually _go_ there.

“Where are we?” Ten asks, but Jaehyun grabs his arm and pulls him inside a luxurious mall. 

He’d looked it all up before, not wanting to waste what little free time he has, and finds the jewelry shop on the second floor at the every end of a long corridor.

“You’re taking me shopping?” Ten asks, still clueless as his eyes light up at the array of expensive jewelry. 

“Not for you,” Jaehyun tuts, pulling him along through the shop until they reach a counter. 

A young clerk looks at them with a friendly smile. 

“Welcome, can I help you?” He greets, and Jaehyun’s a little nervous, curling his hands into fists inside the pocket of his jacket. 

“I want to look at engagement rings,” Jaehyun says, and Ten drops his phone on the counter in shock, staring at Jaehyun in disbelief. 

The salesclerk walks back into the shop, returns with two stacked trays, an extensive collection of rings stalled out on them. Jaehyun feels a little taken aback seeing them, all kinds of huge gemstones that he’d tried to avoid when searching on the internet.

It’s not that Jaehyun doesn’t want to buy Doyoung the most expensive ring there is, it’s that Doyoung wouldn’t be caught dead with something sparkly. 

“Do you have anything more subtle?” Jaehyun asks shyly, ignoring Ten’s giggle.

“You’re looking for a more masculine ring?” The salesclerck poses, putting the trays down and taking out another one from a cabinet. 

“Yes,” Ten answers, shuffling up next to Jaehyun to get a better look at the rings. 

“Oh, you’re the lucky gentleman?” The shop clerk asks, and Ten laughs loudly, throwing his head back.

“No way,” Ten brushes off, patting Jaehyun’s shoulder. “He could never afford me.” 

“Shut up,” Jaehyun whines, elbowing Ten in the side. 

“It’s not for him, it’s for my partner, he’s…” Jaehyun’s heart plummets, because there’s no way he can convey to this shopclerk just what Doyoung is to him. “He’s not the diamond ring type.” 

The clerk hums understandingly. 

“Would he prefer silver or gold? We also have a rose gold, but that tends to go for a shinier finish.”

“Silver,” Jaehyun answers. 

Almost all of Doyoung’s jewelry is silver, including the cufflinks to his suits. 

“I think he prefers silver,” he says again as the man lifts one of the trays to showcase more silver. Most of them have a shiny polished finish, one that is a little blinding in the spotlights from the shop. 

Then there’s a row of matte silver, which speaks to him right away. 

“That one,” Ten says, pointing at a ring. 

It’s matte silver with a split going through the middle, the inside a sliver of polished metal. 

In the very middle of it rests a tiny square gemstone, hidden between the folds of the ring, but visible when you look closely. 

Jaehyun asks to see it, carefully trailing his finger over the thin silver band. 

Ten is right, it’s this one, he can tell right away by the way it feels in his hands, the way he imagines it will look on Doyoung’s hand. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun confirms. 

He could look at other rings, but this one - this one speaks to him. Ring buying isn’t an exact science, so there’s nothing Jaehyun can do but trust his gut. 

“This is the one,” 

It _is_ the one. 

The price tag doesn’t matter, not until Jaehun sees it and he curses Ten and his expensive taste, and Jaehyun awkwardly has to get out the ring he stole from Doyoung’s suitcase that morning to let the salesclerk take measurements on it. 

While they wait, Ten looks at him knowingly, and Jaehyun blushes so hard he might catch fire.

“It’s not-” 

“Hush,” Ten says, shaking his head. “Let’s get lunch after, you’re not off the hook that easy.” 

“I have to be at the circuit at one or Yuta will behead me,” Jaehyun argues, but Ten is insistent. 

After Jaehyun pays for the ring and asks for it to be sent to the hotel by courier, Ten takes him out for lunch. 

He knows his way around Singapore better than Jaehyun, settling them at a neat local restaurant, void of tourists. 

“Have you thought about how you’re going to do it?” Ten asks, and Jaehyun chokes on his ramen. 

“I haven’t even thought about doing it,” Jaehyun admits shyly. 

“Well you didn’t get the ring for yourself, right?” Ten jokes, and Jaehyun shakes his head. “So you’ve thought about it. Good. If you get engaged, I can start pressuring Kun for it.”

“You could just ask him-”

“Hush. This is about you,” Ten quiets him. “If you’ve bought the ring, then you have thought about it - more than just that, you’ve planned it in your head. So tell me what you wanna do.” 

“Well, Monaco was our first kiss.”

“Monaco is like a year away,” Ten deadpands. “You already have the ring, you think it’s just going to sit in your pocket for over a year?” 

“Where else is it going?” 

If only Jaehyun had known just how right Ten was, he wouldn’t have bought that ring right there. 

It arrives to his hotel room that afternoon. He’d told himself he needs to put it in his suitcase and not take it out until he’s ready to use it, but of course curiosity gets the better of him and he takes it out briefly to look at it, admire it in daylight before stuffing it away in his suitcase.

Now that he has it, the suspicious square shaped lump in his suitcase is staring back at him each time he opens it, and it quickly starts becoming obvious that Ten was correct.

This thing was always going to be at the back of his mind, until he mans up and puts it on Doyoung’s finger. 

∆

The first time he sees Doyoung that day is somewhere backstage by the pitlane, decked out in his tracksuit sat by a desk full of paperwork.

“Hi,” Jaehyun says, stopping in the doorway. 

Doyoung looks up, annoyed at first, but the look softens once he spots Jaehyun.

“Hey you,” he says, putting his pencil down. “Where are you heading?” 

“Meeting Sicheng for dinner,” Jaehyun says, but slips inside the Mercedes pit nonetheless. 

“I’m jealous,” Doyoung murmurs, reaching out to run his hand up and down Jaehyun’s bare arm. “I wish I could join you, but this isn’t going to solve itself.” 

The pile of documents laid out on the table in front of Doyoung look as hopeless as he sounds.

“You want anything? Maybe I can pick some food up along the way? I’ll bring it to the hotel,” Jaehyun asks. 

Doyoung seems to consider this, but shakes his head. 

“I have some stupid company dinner to attend,” he grumbles, making a face as he scribbles something out. 

Luhan snorts from where he’s sitting, working on his own stack of papers. 

“Be quiet,” Doyoung tells him, glaring at Luhan across the table. 

“I am quiet,” Luhan says. “I won’t tell you how I just talked to my wife. The hotel has a rooftop pool, with a jacuzzi, and our nanny has the kids.” 

Doyoung throws a pencil at him, missing by an inch as the racer ducks. 

“Oh to be a trophy wife and float around in a hotel pool all day,” Doyoung sighs happily, leaning back in his chair as he grimaces at Luhan. 

“You’d get bored really fast,” Jaehyun objects, but Doyoung shakes his head. 

“If you told me I could quit this job right now and spend the rest of my life sipping cocktails in hotel bars, I would take you up on it right now.” 

“You’re a liar,” Jaehyun argues. “You would drive yourself insane.” 

“I’m going insane right now,” Doyoung bites out, throwing a balled up piece of paper at Luhan. 

“Sorry,” he apologises, realising belatedly that he’s raised his voice. “I’ll see you tonight?” 

“Yes, see you then,” Jaehyun agrees. “Good luck,” he adds, before he heads out. 

∆

Doyoung doesn’t come back that night - at least not in time for Jaehyun to catch him. 

Jaehyun spends what’s left of his night after he returns from dinner in bed, flipping through foreign TV channels. His phone is placed in his lap, and every time the screen lights up he hopes it’s Doyoung texting him that he’s on his way back,

It doesn’t, and instead Jaehyun gives up, puts his phone down and turns the light off, huffing impatiently as he rests back on his pillow. He hates sleeping alone, but it’s worse when Doyoung _should_ be here and his responsibilities are keeping him out. 

He falls asleep, light and restless and immediately awake when the door to their hotel room shuts. 

Jaehyun looks over at the alarm, realising it’s 2 AM, and groans as he rolls over to his back.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” Doyoung whispers to the darkness. 

Jaehyun sighs, reaching over to turn on the lamp on his bedside table. 

Anyone would wake up with the sound these doors make, but Jaehyun stays quiet and rests back down on the pillow while Doyoung goes around their hotel room, brushing his teeth and getting ready for bed. 

When the bed dips behind him, he eagerly awaits Doyoung’s bodyheat enveloping him, settling his chest against Jaehyun’s back as he sneaks his arms around him.

“You smell like… _cigars,_ ” Jaehyun murmurs after he gets a whiff of Doyoung’s scent.

“Yeah, some guys were smoking… should I shower?” He asks, but Jaehyun grunts dismissively. 

“No,” Jaehyun disagrees. “Stay here, we’ll shower in the morning.” 

“Okay,” Doyoung breathes, pressing a soft kiss to Jaehyun’s neck. “I love you.” 

Jaehyun hums, leaning back into Doyoung’s touch. “Love you too.” 

With Doyoung finally back in bed, Jaehyun thinks he’ll fall asleep right away. His eyes are still laced with the remnants of sleep, and his breathing evens out quickly. 

But even as Doyoung falls asleep, his soft breathing turning into barely audible snoring, Jaehyun is still awake.

His mind won’t shut up about the ring in his suitcase, and as he glances down at Doyoung’s hand he can’t help but see how empty his ring finger is. He’s _aching_ to put something on it and wants so badly for Doyoung to be his fiancée, to tell him that they’ll be for life, but now is not the moment.

Doyoung has been so busy this season and Jaehyun’s no better. Their careers are taking them in different directions and the only moments they get to share are these - holding each other in bed at night. 

Even back home in their shared apartment the times spent together are becoming sparse. Jaehyun’s at the circuit more often than not, and Doyoung doesn’t work from home, which means they’re lucky to see each other in the evenings, given neither of them stays on site.

It’s not the end of the world, their relationship strong and bound to take little knacks they’re both allowing. 

The problem is that Jaehyun is only going to get busier the closer he gets to that world championship title and that scares him. The less time he has for Doyoung, the less time he has to actually pop the question and put that ring on his finger. 

If he does man up and ask, keeping a relationship alive when nights are all they spend together is not ideal, it’s not what Jaehyun wants for them. 

But he’s stuck. 

He has a job with responsibilities, responsibilities he wouldn’t dream of walking away from. It’s the only thing he wants more than he wants Doyoung, but even that wavers at times like this when Doyoung’s asleep next to him. 

**OCTOBER 2016**

In Nagoya Doyoung asks him out on a date the night before the race. 

It’s not fancy nor traditional, but they take a walk through the park, shoulder to shoulder in the chill night air - it’s the most time they’ve spent together out of their bed in weeks. 

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung starts to apologise. “This month has been…” he doesn’t find words and sighs in defeat. 

“It’s been bad.” 

Bad. 

That’s one way to put it. 

Jaehyun’s been by Doyoung’s side for all of it, as much as they can allow themselves in this time - and he’s not just missed Doyoung, he’s worried for him. Bad doesn’t come close to describing how he’d felt, spending sleepless nights worrying over him, staring at the empty side of the bed. 

He looks so stressed, the bags under his eyes darker, the hours he sleeps in between work getting much shorter. 

“I don’t want to think about it anymore, just wanna be with you tonight.” 

Jaehyun’s heart aches, Doyoung’s voice so thin and defeated that he’s afraid to push it. 

“That’s okay,” He says. 

“You should’ve gotten that P2 today,” Doyoung pipes up, maybe sensing there’s a heavy undertone to Jaehyun’s voice, too. 

During qualification, Luhan had been exceptionally slow, and Jaehyun had become so frustrated he parked his frontwing under the Mercedes in one of the corners he was trying to overtake him. 

Naturally that was his fault, and after finishing on P2 he had been given a ten second penalty which set him back to P4. 

Jaehyun didn’t even want to start his race tomorrow. Yuta had been equally as pissed, Sicheng holding him back from doing worse when they passed the Mercedes crew in the hallway. 

The mention flares up the anger Jaehyun’s been stifling all evening. 

“Tell that to Luhan, and tell him not to drive so slow - he’s got a wife and kids waiting for him at home. He should be in a hurry, he’s got somewhere to be.” 

Doyoung snorts. “I’ll tell his wife you said hi tomorrow.” 

“Tell her to-” Jaehyun sighs, deflating some of his anger. “Say hi to the other WAGs for me.” 

“We’ve been over this, I’m not a WAG-” Doyoung nags, nudging against Jaehyun’s shoulder. 

“And I told you, we’re not adjusting a world renown acronym for another one, wifes-and-partners would be _worse_ ,” Jaehyun argues playfully and Doyoung laughs. 

“She won’t have to be a _wife-and-girlfriend_ for much longer.” 

“Why? Are they getting divorced?” Jaehyun asks, thinking it might justify his slow driving, even if they always try not to take their personal crap out on the circuit. 

“No” Doyoung laughs. “Luhan’s getting older, he’s thinking of retiring,” Doyoung says, and Jaehyun’s heart sinks. 

If Luhan’s retiring, that means Mercedes is looking for another driver soon. 

“He is?” Jaehyun asks, trying to sound casual. 

Red Bull Racing has been good to him the past years, and he loves his team and the people that have gotten him where he is today, but driving for Mercedes is bound to be what finally makes him number one on that podium - if Baekhyun ever allows that. 

“Nothing’s set yet, but I think he’s considering it,” Doyoung says. “I think his wife wants him to consider it.” 

“That’s a bit rough,” Jaehyun says. 

If Doyoung asked him to stop driving, Jaehyun would have to reconsider his entire relationship and everything he thinks it builds on. 

“If I had two kids I think I wouldn’t want to take them around the world just to see their daddy every once in a while,” Doyoung argues and Jaehyun bites his lip. 

He understands that, and he thinks that age and experience might cast different perspectives. 

For Luhan, his current runner up position is all he’s going to get. He will never be number one, not as long as Baekhyun’s on his team. Mercedes will go bankrupt before they let their best driver go, so Luhan’s out of luck. 

Mercedes is the best equipment and gear he can do, but it’s never going to let him win - and his career isn’t going to outlive Baekhyun’s. So maybe his partner has a point, maybe it’s not just about him - but also about the people around him.

“You wouldn’t ask me to stop racing, right?” Jaehyun asks hopefully, balling the hand in his pocket into a fist. 

His nails press crescents into his palm, trying to stifle how loaded the question feels. 

“Would you ask me to quit?” Doyoung returns the question. 

Jaehyun hesitates, opening his mouth to speak, but catching himself before he says something he doesn’t mean. They don’t have time to lie to each other, this conversation the first substantial one they’ve had in weeks. 

“I’d want you to do what makes you happy,” Jaehyun says resolutely, releasing the hand he’s balled up. “I want you to choose for yourself - not for me.”

It’s a sensitive topic - he tries to deny that, but in the end it’s not unrealistic that they might make a decision like this at some point. 

Jaehyun doesn’t realise that Doyoung has stopped walking until he’s a few steps ahead, missing the warmth of Doyoung’s body next to him.He’s stopped under a streetlamp, light casting down over him as he nuzzles into his scarf. 

“What?” Jaehyun asks, raising his voice to cover the distance. 

Doyoung’s hands are in his pockets, shielded from the cold wind, and Doyoung looks at Jaehyun with wide eyes. 

His brow is furrowed, lip bit in concentration.Jaehyun thinks maybe he’s dropped something on the ground and he’s searching to find it. 

Then Doyoung takes a few quick steps up to him and wraps him up in his arms, hugging him to his chest abruptly. It knocks the air out of Jaehyun’s chest, who gasps but wraps his arms around Doyoung to hug him back.

The wind pulls at their coat in the darkness of the night, but Doyoung is warm and Jaehyun sneaks his hands under Doyoung’s scarf to steal some heat. 

He doesn’t know how long they stand there, but time feels insignificant as Doyoung snuggles into the warmth of Jaehyun’s neck. 

“Thank you,” Doyoung whispers. 

“Always,” Jaehyun assures. 

∆

In Austin Ten wins his fiftieth Grand Prix. 

It's an uncommon milestone, one they have to celebrate in all its glory. 

His team throws him a surprise party back at the hotel, where they have invited most of Ten's friends - including Jaehyun and his plus one, Doyoung. Doyoung isn't thrilled to spend his free time with Ten, but Jaehyun convinces him with some persuasion, claiming the party won't be fun if he isn't there.

"You're just going to drink too much with Ten, and then I'll have to carry you home," Doyoung tries, and Jaehyun doesn't disagree but still convinces him to come.

"At least you look good tonight," Doyoung compliments him as they take the elevator up. 

They'd taken a taxi to Ten's hotel, knowing well neither of them could be driving home after this.

"Yes, you can always look at me if the night bores you too much," Jaehyun teases, brushing a hand over Doyoung's shoulder to straighten out his jacket.

It's a grande party, with exotic dancers and nervous waiter boys ogling celebrities. Jaehyun hates them, avoiding the attention at all cost, but for Ten he’s willing to do a lot.

Doyoung seems equally as unimpressed, staring at the tower of champagne glasses. 

“Please tell me this is not what you have in mind for your win,” Doyoung says, dramatically grimacing at the spilt champagne falling from the top glass. 

“I wouldn’t mind a chocolate fountain,” Jaehyun remarks, eyeing the dark and white chocolate fountains on the buffet. “Chocolate is kind of sexy.” 

Ten arrives last, pretending he’s surprised to see the party and the crowd and the loud eruption of cheers once he comes through the door. He’s quite the actor, Jaehyun is almost convinced by him as he feigns surprise to see everyone here. 

Mark and Donghyuck are there, even happier to see Jaehyun, Mark pulling him in for a friendly side hug. 

“I’ve missed you,” Mark says. “Ten’s a pain in the ass to work with, I miss changing your tires,” he muses on dreamily, always the lightweight. 

Donghyuck looks mortified to be seen with Mark in this state, but there’s also fondness hiding in the way he tugs on Mark’s shoulder to keep him upright. 

“How have you been?” Jaehyun asks Mark once they’re sitting down together. 

Doyoung is busy nonchalantly going through the buffet, like he didn’t just come here to eat, and Donghyuck is laughing with Ten in his little victor’s booth. 

“Good,” Mark says. “Fine, we miss you - but Dejun isn’t so bad.” He goes on, referring to the new driver they brought on after Jaehyun’s departure. 

He’s a good kid, one Jaehyun knows from F2 and free training. 

“I miss you too,” Jaehyun admits. 

His current crew is by no means bad, but Taemin, the onsite lead, is nothing but professional with Jaehyun. He learned from Ten that he should be grateful for that, because the alternative was nothing short of hostile. 

Taemin and Jongin had more history than Jaehyun had F1 kilometers, unsurprisingly favouring the other Red Bull racer over Jaehyun as a result. Still, Taemin was the best Red Bull had to offer, and they put all their money on Jaehyun - much to Taemin’s chagrin. 

So he missed Mark, and his quirky little thumbs up and his stupid jokes that only he laughed at. 

He also missed the warmness, the friendship - he even misses Donghyuck berating him for never wearing the right clothes. 

“How’s Donghyuck?” Jaehyun asks next, and Mark worries his bottom lip between his teeth. 

“He’s very busy,” Mark says. “I’m a little worried, but I think he’s handling it well.” 

“He has you, he shouldn’t be worried,” Jaehyun thinks out loud, and Mark chuckles a little awkwardly, never quite prepared for Jaehyun’s brutal honesty. 

“We’re um…” Mark starts, flushing under his own thoughts. “Well, _I’m_ thinking of proposing.” Mark admits sheepishly. 

“Really?” Jaehyun asks. 

He doesn’t know much about Mark and Donghyuck, other than that they’ve been together as long as Jaehyun has known them. 

“I know, it’s crazy. It’s been six years but he still makes me too nervous to bring it up,” Mark admits, face turning a worrying shade of red. 

“I think that’s a good sign,” Jaehyun says. “If you’re nervous, it means you care - means you’ve got something to lose,” he explains. 

“Besides, it’s you and Donghyuck. He’d be stupid to say no.”

“Well, it’s _Donghyuck_ ,” Mark points out. “He would say no if my shirt wasn’t matching my pants when I asked him, just to spite me.” 

“How are you going to ask him?” Jaehyun asks. 

There’s no personal gain to it, he assures himself. He’s genuinely curious. 

Mark laughs anxiously. 

“I think he wants a grand gesture, which I would be terrible at,” Mark concludes. 

“So you’d like, serenade him?” Jaehyun tries not to laugh, but Mark does it for him. 

“Dude, no way, I can’t sing - he would _divorce_ me if I did that,” Mark says, shaking his head to himself. “I’m working on it, but it’s not easy when he’s always around and I’m a terrible liar.”

Doyoung returns to then, sinking down on the uncomfortable seat next to Jaehyun. 

“They don’t have bacon wrapped dates, I expected better of Ten,” Doyoung grumbles, pouting. “They do have curly fries, which I think are _stupid_ , but to each their own.” 

Jaehyun giggles, reaching over to put his arm around Doyoung’s shoulders. 

There’s something so pleasing about this, getting to take Doyoung out to parties, telling everyone that this is Kim Doyoung, _his_ partner. Yet each time he says it, he feels a pinch of bitterness seep through him that it’s just his partner.

Not his fiance, or his husband, his partner. 

Jaehyun posessively curls his hand into the sleeve of Doyoung’s jacket. 

“So what did I miss?” Doyoung asks, looking between Jaehyun and Mark. 

“Well, I was just telling Jaehyun that I’m-” Mark starts to explain, likely wanting Doyoung’s input on his grand gesture proposal. 

Except he cannot have Doyoung giving input on someone else’s proposal, it’ll drive him insane to hear Doyoung talk about it, to know that proposals are a thing that Doyoung thinks about. 

“That he and Donghyuck miss me very much,” Jaehyun finishes for him, sending Mark a sharp glance that Doyoung goes blissfully unaware to. 

“Right,” Mark squeaks, nodding awkwardly. “Just not the same without Jaehyun.”

“Really? I just ran into Dejun, he’s a good kid - less _mouthier_ than this one,” Doyoung teases, patting Jaehyun’s knee. 

His hand curls around it, equally as possessive as Jaehyun’s hand on his shoulder. Mark only looks a little uncomfortable at the obvious display of affection. 

“He’s not so bad,” he finally says, but Jaehyun doesn’t catch much of it, his head supplying fifteen different scenarios in which Mark leaves them alone and Doyoung’s hand runs up the inside of his thigh. 

Mark excuses himself to leave, Jaehyun hopes it’s not because he can read Jaehyun’s mind - the thoughts are only a little bit inappropriate, but enough to scare Mark away. 

He turns to Doyoung, reaching up to brush his fringe out of his face. 

“Did you see Ten yet?” Jaehyun asks, tearing his eyes away from Doyoung to look around the room. 

“No, but you better make it quick because I’m ready to get out of here.”

“We _just_ arrived,” Jaehyun points out. 

Doyoung shuts him up by squeezing the inside of his thigh with his hand, proving the point that he wants to get out of here. 

“I’ll go talk to Ten, then we can go.” 

Talking to Ten turns out to be more of a challenge than Jaehyun had anticipated. 

Ten is very occupied with everyone that wants to see and congratulate him. Eventually he squeezes through the mass of people and sits down next to him in the booth. 

“Hey!” Ten greets cheerfully, pulling him in for a hug. Jaehyun smiles warmly, hugging his best friend feels like a stolen moment of privacy. 

“Congratulations,” Jaehyun says into his ear, and Ten beams at him as he says thank you. “50 wins that’s - that’s kind of insane.” 

“You’re only 37 off, right?” Ten asks. 

Jaehyun snorts, imagining Ten probably asked one of his crewmates to look this up. 

“I’ll come celebrate twenty-five with you,” Ten promises, and Jaehyun wouldn’t have it any other way. 

If he didn’t have Ten in this, he wouldn’t have _anyone_ that understands just what goes through his head. 

“So, Doyoung isn’t feeling too well,” Jaehyun lies. Doyoung was the one suggesting they get out of here, so he’ll have to bear the burden of being his excuse. “I think we might head home early.”

“Leaving my party to fuck, I see how it is,” Ten teases, and Jaehyun shakes his head, Ten’s words a little too much wishful thinking. 

“I wish. We haven’t even had a conversation in days - until tonight,” he says, and Ten pouts at him. 

“Married life is tough,” Jaehyun flinches, grimacing at Ten as he shakes his head. 

“You didn’t ask yet? Come on, I want to start nagging Kun about it,” Ten hints, gaze finding Kun across the room. 

He’s talking to Dejun, and one of the new mechanic kids Jaehyun doesn’t recognise, but waves at Ten with a fond smile when their eyes meet. 

“Gross,” Jaehyun says under his breath. “Why don’t you just ask him if you want it so bad?”

“Why don’t you just ask him?” Ten counters, arching an eyebrow at Jaehyun. Jaehyun curses under his breath, standing up to peel himself out of the booth. 

“You’ll be the first to know when I do,” he promises, squeezing Ten’s shoulder fondly as he says bye. 

They get a taxi back to their hotel, and Jaehyun considers himself a pretty lucky man. 

He has friends like Ten and Mark that ground him to normality, make him feel like just another guy conquering the same hardships as anyone else. Then he has someone like Doyoung, to make him feel every fibre of his body is on fire as they make out in the back of a taxi. 

Maybe the formalities between them can wait a little longer, as long as Doyoung keeps making him feel like this. 

**NOVEMBER 2016**

Jaehyun wins his first world championship podium in Sao Paulo. 

Technically he has another race to drive, but with the point he scores today there’s no way the runner up can beat him - leaving him a guaranteed third spot. He’s on that lowest step of the podium, right behind Luhan and Baekhyun who are unbeatable with their Mercedes. 

Third is the best he can do, it’s two spots ahead of Ten, and it’s exactly where he wants to be - a couple million dollars richer and his team scoring a solid milestone. 

He cries a little, Yuta cries a little - and maybe there are tears in Sicheng’s eyes. 

It’s their first podium in many years, and for Yuta the first one in his career as a race engineer. It’s emotional and intimate and Jaehyun lets himself be held by the both of them, showered in praise over the disbelief that he’s standing here with a guaranteed third place. 

He couldn’t have done it without their support, yet at the same time he feels a sense of pride hammering in his chest that his dedication, hard work and training finally put him here. 

He did this.

The memories all fleet through his mind - the failure from last year, the hard work this season, the sleepless nights flying around the world from circuit to circuit. 

He sees all the worrying, the anxiety, the training and the briefings and all the time he spent overthinking and doubting himself. He feels it all, the pain from his injury, the soreness of his back after driving for hours, the lack of sleep and the meal restrictions and the _pain_.

It flashes before his eyes as he sobs into Yuta’s embrace. 

Yuta tries his best to hold him together as Jaehyun falls apart, but he’s emotional too and Sicheng looks a little lost as he stands next to them. 

He’s an accomplice to Jaehyun’s win, but Yuta has spoken him through every step of the way, been there for every corner, every start, every overtake has always been Yuta’s voice soothing him through it, and he feels grateful as much as he’s scared that without him he could not have done it.

Jaehyun has to wipe his tears and try to get himself together, the chief executive stepping into the pit to congratulate him next. 

Jaehyun is thankful if anything, thankful they’re giving him this opportunity - and his boss is thankful he’s taking it. It’s all he can say for now; still in shock about his win.

Finally when Red Bull racing runs out of crew to congratulate him, when he feels he’s emptied his heart out to the people here who always give their everything for him, he thinks of that one person who makes all the suffering worth it. 

Doyoung. 

“Bathroom,” Jaehyun excuses himself to Yuta and Sicheng, and they share a knowing look but let him go nonetheless. 

He tries to leave unnoticed, but it’s hard when everyone wants to congratulate him. He tries to meet people’s glances and send them a thankful smile all the while making his way through the mass of people to find that one person he’s looking for, the only one whose praise he really wants to hear. 

He spots Doyoung in the doorway to the Mercedes pit, seeing them in a similar fashion, people hugging and cheering - all eager to congratulate Baekhyun in yet another championship. 

Jaehyun thought it would get old but when he sees the smiles and fondness that his team holds when he looks at him - he thinks it can never get old, each win just as precious and hard achieved as the others. 

Doyoung is equally as proud, greeting Baekhyun like an old friend as he pats his back. 

He turns to Jaehyun after, face softening as he sees him in the doorway. He tears himself away from the rest of his team for one split second, taking a few steps to meet Jaehyun in the doorway. 

Just before he gets there, someone stops Doyoung and pulls him in for a side hug, patting him on the shoulder. Of course he wants to exchange words, and Doyoung is polite and kind as ever, taking the time to do so. 

He knows Doyoung’s a wanted man right now, they don’t have the luxury to congratulate each other the way they want to. 

All he gets is a quick hug in the doorway, a soft whisper of _congratulations_ in his ear. 

Doyoung’s hands linger over his shoulders for a borrowed moment, his cologne on his tracksuit - a reminder that he’s been there.

They part when Doyoung is called from inside the pit, and someone is yelling Jaehyun’s name down the hallway - enough signs that both of them have to go.

Their eyes meet when he pulls away, and Jaehyun’s heart breaks a little. 

It’s completely unsolicited, he’s won third place - he has enough reason to celebrate and yet Doyoung walking away from him is making his heart ache. It’s not the right moment to have this epiphany - convenient at best, but Jaehyun learns that he can’t have this on his own. 

There’s no point in winning on his own, because he needs someone there to celebrate it with him. 

He won’t be happy alone. 

“Jaehyun!” The voice calls again, and he’s shaken out of his trance, instead looking over his shoulder to find the owner of said voice. 

Ten is bolting down the hallway, sprinting at Jaehyun to throw himself at him. 

He nearly topples over, falling against the wall behind him as he hugs Ten back, holding him close and breathing in the sour oil scent from his tracksuit.

Ten’s hair is matted to this forehead, and Jaehyun doesn’t even know what position Ten ended up in - it doesn’t matter much when Ten is here to celebrate that with him. 

“You did it!” Ten yells, grabbing his face with both hands. “I can’t believe it, that little kid I beat the shit out of on the circuit - you really did it.” 

Jaehyun can’t help but laugh, a hint of sadness to it but still so fond, the memories with Ten in his first year are so special, so simple - he likes to think back to it when it all feels too much.

“Couldn’t have done it without you,” Jaehyun promises, hugging Ten back again. 

They stand there together, Jaehyun feeling a little helpless as he sinks his hands into the fabric of Ten’s tracksuit, closing his eyes to savour the moment. 

“Thank you,” he murmurs when they part again, and Ten reaches up to ruffle his hair affectionately. 

When he looks back into the Mercedes pit, Doyoung is looking at him briefly. 

Their eyes meet and Jaehyun’s heart stutters in his chest, Doyoung biting his lip before he breaks out into a smile. 

It’ll have to do, the smile lingering in the back of his mind as Ten walks him back to his own pit. 

He has interviews to tend to, a ceremony to attend - an after party to prepare for, and he has Doyoung’s smile lingering in the back of his mind as a promise for later. 

∆

Jaehyun comes home to an empty hotel room. 

The lights are off, only given life when he hits the light switch. The AC is on full blast so the room feels cold, a significant change from the hot and heavy spotlights at the bar they were celebrating in. 

It’s just after two o’clock, and although Jaehyun was a third finalist tonight and had every reason to stay out partying until sunrise, at some point throughout the night he’d become tired and wanted an out. 

Yuta had agreed and they shared a taxi back to the hotel. Yuta had asked him if he was alright as they stepped out of the elevator, if maybe he needed Yuta to walk him back to his hotel room, but Jaehyun had insisted he was fine.

Secretly he had hoped that Doyoung would be there. 

He didn’t care much for what state of Doyoung he would find in his hotel room, asleep or awake - he really just wanted to go to sleep with him, maybe finally get that real victory kiss he’d been robbed of back at the circuit. 

Instead there’s nothing. 

He regrets not taking Yuta up on his offer, walking into the stillness of their hotel room on his own. He feels ashamed for thinking things would be differently tonight. Doyoung was rarely there on days he had work. 

If he came home at all, he wouldn’t be here until the early hours of the morning, and even then Jaehyun wouldn’t always wake up and would only find the slept bed as evidence that he came back. 

The times he pulled an allnighter with his team, Jaehyun would meet him on the circuit the day after, and Doyoung would apologise before explaining he was heading back to the hotel to take a nap. 

Every bone in Jaehyun’s body would ache to go back with him, but he had a job to get to, a training to drive or a debrief to attend and there was no way he could excuse himself just to nap with his partner. 

Thinking that the night of Baekhyun’s fifth championship title would be any different was foolish. 

Jaehyun shouldn’t have let his stupid heart hope, because now he was disappointed and the cold bed felt more bitter than ever before. 

He can’t sleep, not right away. 

First the room is spinning - courtesy of the shots he had with Ten and Donghyuck, and then it's too noisy, the ringing in his ears feeling like a fire drill. It doesn’t help that the hotel room is so soundly isolated, between his own breathing and the whirring of the AC, it’s all he can hear. 

He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, half upright in bed to keep the room from spinning and dutifully sipping water from the minibar, but at some point the door clicks. 

Jaehyun’s heart races when he hears footsteps coming in, seeing Doyoung’s face in the faint light from the glant in the curtains. 

“Hey,” he breathes out into the darkness, and Doyoung stumbles forward to face plant into the bed.

“Hi,” Doyoung says, rolling over onto his back. “I’m sorry I’m late.” 

Jaehyun glances at the digital clock under the TV. It’s just after three a.m., not an unusual time for Doyoung to get back. 

Perhaps he too had considered tonight to be special, thus warranting an apology. 

“Are you drunk?” Jaehyun asks, even if the smell lingering on Doyoung’s clothes should tell him enough. 

“Yep,” Doyoung answers, popping the ‘p’ sound. “Baekhyun bought everyone a meter of shots. I think I nearly passed out in the taxi.” 

“You need to sit up,” Jaehyun decides, shoving at Doyoung’s side. 

Doyoung grumbles and complains, but Jaehyun helps him sit back up against the headrest, placing a pillow behind his head. 

“Did you drink water yet?” He asks, but he’s already on his feet to fetch some chilled water from the minibar. 

The champagne Doyoung had ordered in case Jaehyun secured his very first podium championship tonight stands untouched. All night Jaehyun had wanted nothing but that champagne and the privacy of Doyoung in his hotel suite, except now that it’s here they’ve ruined it in their own ways. 

He makes sure Doyoung drinks some water, but Doyoung is so tired that his eyes fall shut every now and then.

“You’ll hate yourself if you don’t drink water,” Jaehyun says, remembering vaguely how Doyoung had said this to him not too long ago. 

“Hey, that’s my line!” Doyoung objects, but still drinks some. 

He falls asleep not much later, and Jaehyun stays up a little longer to make sure Doyoung doesn’t get sick in his sleep, but when the clock strikes past four a.m. he finally considers it safe to sleep. 

He gets back under the covers, curling up to stare at the lump in the sheets that’s his partner. 

**DECEMBER 2016**

Jaehyun hopes it gets better after the winner’s ceremony. 

Now that the season is over, he has officially been sent on a winter break. That’s five weeks of uninterrupted vacation, given he updates his social media every now and then, and it’s the best he’s felt in a long time.

They return to a dark apartment and the first night is always strange, adjusting back to their home. With the heavy jetlag they’re both up until late at night, watching bad reality television and drinking tea. 

It’s nothing out of the ordinary and maybe Jaehyun’s a little too optimistic when he expects to wake up next to Doyoung the next morning after they finally fall asleep together. 

He doesn’t, the bed painstakingly empty. 

In his half-asleep state he reaches over to feel the bed, the mattress still warm under his touch. He can hear noise from the kitchen which ultimately gets him out of bed, curiosity getting the best of him. 

What he finds is a sight he wouldn’t mind waking up to every day for the rest of his life. 

Doyoung is humming along to the radio as he goes about in the kitchen, preparing breakfast on the stove. He’s dressed in his work attire, looking more awake than Jaehyun wishes he was. 

“Good morning,” Jaehyun whispers, stepping up to Doyoung. 

He snakes his hands around Doyoung’s waist where he stands by the stove, hooking his chin over Doyoung’s shoulder. 

“You’re up early,” Jaehyun says, playing with the button’s of Doyoung’s shirt. 

“I have to be at the office in a bit, so I thought I’d make breakfast,” Doyoung explains, and Jaehyun grimaces at the mention of Doyoung leaving. 

“Hmm, you really have to go?” Jaehyun breathes against his neck, thinking of ways he can convince Doyoung otherwise. 

“Not all of us get five weeks off,” Doyoung says, tearing Jaehyun’s hands away. 

“I’ll be home late tonight, so you can heat up some leftovers if you want. You don’t have to wait up.” 

Jaehyun never waits up. 

He wishes he could, but even the nights he tells himself that he’s going to wait until Doyoung gets back, he ends up falling asleep on Doyoung’s side of the bed. 

Sometimes Doyoung is there in the morning, sometimes he’s already gone again, and the only evidence that he’d been there at all are the creases in the bed sheets. 

“Alright,” is all he says. 

He knows Doyoung hates this as much as he does, that he would rather spend the day at home with Jaehyun - but that there’s nothing he can do about it.

“Do you have this weekend off?” Jaehyun asks, trying to find _something_ positive to keep his spirits up.

Doyoung sighs, and Jaehyun tenses up a little, afraid that he’s set Doyoung off, but silence is all that follows. 

They do have breakfast together, Doyoung distracted on his phone for most of it, but Jaehyun doesn’t say anything about that, just thanks him for the food before he’s out the door. 

It’s not his place to be annoyed about it, because he knows he can get equally as distracted during the season. 

Instead Jaehyun calls up Sicheng, who is spending his day off with Yuta - and they agree to meet up for lunch.

He fills his morning with mundane house chores, unpacking his bags, doing laundry, vacuuming and wiping down the windows. They have staff for the basic maintenance chores when they’re gone but Jaehyun likes to do them when they’re at home, a rare moment of normalcy his life doesn’t grant very often. 

Just in time he gets a taxi to meet Yuta and Sicheng at a fancy Asian Fusion restaurant. Jaehyun’s got five weeks, three of which he can practically eat whatever he wants - so he plans on making use of it the best he can. 

“Do you and Doyoung have any plans these weeks?” Yuta asks over lunch as Jaehyun’s brow is furrowed in attention, poking rice grains out of his soy sauce. 

“Doyoung’s got work,” Jaehyun explains, which should be enough - except Sicheng doesn’t believe a word of it. 

“You don’t even have holiday plans?” Sicheng asks, frowning. “You two are so domestic, I thought by now you’d have a tree and every centimeter of the house decorated.” 

Jaehyun snorts. 

“We’re not holiday people, Sicheng.” 

“Did you pop the question yet?” Yuta asks. 

Jaehyun doesn’t regret telling Yuta about his plans, but moments like this he really wishes Yuta would be a little more eloquent. Then again, Sicheng isn’t much better, and Jaehyun’s probably the only one bothered by it right now. 

He’d told Yuta in a moment of euphoria after a tough overtake, declaring that he can definitely propose to Doyoung if he can pull a race like this off. Yuta had gone silent, before congratulating Jaehyun on the suffering that is ahead of him as a married man. 

“I haven’t,” Jaehyun answers promptly. “Can we _not_ talk about that? What are your plans for the holiday?”

It’s a nice distraction to spend the day with others. 

He even tries calling Ten, but goes straight to voicemail and then later receives a text saying they’re about to leave for Venice. 

Of course Ten spends his weeks off in a romantic hotel in Venice _and_ he gets to mock Jaehyun for being stuck at home in a rainy and depressing London. 

He tries to play it off as that, the weather making him grumpy, but he knows deep down it’s not the permanent rain but the lack of Doyoung that make his weeks off bland and uneventful. 

He sits through a whole TV series on Netflix, cleans their apartment until every nook and cranny is pristine, goes grocery shopping to prepare a nice home cooked meal - which he gets to eat on his own as Doyoung’s not making it home for dinner. 

When he starts making plans to redecorate the living room, he thinks maybe he should just talk to Doyoung about it.

Except there’s no talking. 

The moment Doyoung comes home, he’s tired and worn out and Jaehyun wants to take care of him. 

Even when he musters up the courage to talk about them, there’s nothing to say because Doyoung won’t budge, adamant to carefully brush over any subject of work. 

Jaehyun can’t get angry - he knows he’s not any better. 

Deep down inside he knows he’s not angry, because he would always want Doyoung to do what makes him happy, but with the way Doyoung’s getting thinner and the bags under his eyes are getting worse, he doubts this is making him happy. 

Which leads him to worry and that’s never been an emotion he’s very good at handling.

It keeps him up at night - the empty bed. 

Usually he sleeps on Doyoung’s side so it’s warm when he gets back but he doesn’t actually remember Doyoung sharing the bed with him the past days. It hurts, because no matter how crazy their days are when they fly out to Grand Prix weekends, at least they get to spend the nights together. 

Now that even the physical intimacy at night is gone, Jaehyun has nothing but slept bedsheets and breakfast with a little post-it note attached, telling him not to stay up, and that _hurts_.

Jaehyun knows it’s not what Doyoung wants, so he stays supportive, makes lunchboxes for Doyoung to take to work, ensures that there’s plenty of food stocked in the fridges so Doyoung can make breakfast when he feels like it. 

He tries telling himself that it’s temporary, hoping that it will get better once the holidays come around. 

Doyoung does have the 25th of December off, which Jaehyun had initially not cared much for - but now he keeps a mental advent calendar counting down to that day. 

It’s so bad that on Christmas eve, he _does_ actually wait up for Doyoung. 

It’s unintentional, the clock just shy of ten in the evening, Jaehyun clad in his pyjamas with a book in his hands. He lowers it when he hears footsteps approaching his bedroom, smiling fondly at Doyoung who appears in the doorway.

“You’re awake,” Doyoung says, a relieved smile crossing his tired features. “Good,” he says resolutely, taking off his shoes on the way to the bed, throwing himself down on it face first. 

He lands on his tummy in front of Jaehyun, looking up at him with tired yet hopeful eyes. 

“I quit.” 

“What?” Jaehyun asks, not sure he heard the words right, even if he just watched them come out of Doyoung’s mouth.

“I said that I quit,” 

“You quit what? Coffee?” Jaehyun asks, frowning - there’s no way Doyoung can go without his daily dose of caffeine. 

“No Jaehyun, I quit my job,” Jaehyun’s jaw goes slack, falling wide open as he stares at his partner in disbelief. 

“You-” Jaehyun starts, blinking once, twice to assure that he’s not dreaming. He squeezes the book in his hands as if to test that it’s still real, but nothing gives. 

Doyoung quit his job. 

“Did you get a better offer?” 

Doyoung laughs, shaking his head. 

“No, I have no offer. I’m unemployed now,” Jaehyun frowns, still equally as confused. 

Doyoung sits upright - where he finds the sudden burst of energy, Jaehyun has no idea either. 

“Look, Jaehyun,” he says, taking Jaehyun’s hands in his own. “I didn’t want to tell you before I quit, because I didn’t want you to feel like you were pressuring me but what you said to me back in Nagoya, about wanting me to choose for me-”

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun starts, yearning to tell him that what he said had in no way meant he should quit his job for him. 

“Let me speak,” he huffs impatiently, giggling. “I don’t want to just be with you during the nights, that’s not enough and you know it’s not.” 

“We can make it work,” Jaehyun urges, voice trembling now that Doyoung has brought up the thought that something between them isn’t working. “You know we can, we’ve made it work before-”

“I don’t want to compromise,” Doyoung says, shaking his head. “I want to be with you and I don’t want my responsibilities holding me back from that. There was a project I had to finish before I could go. I wanted it done before next year - because I want to be with you next season, that’s why it’s been so hectic lately,” he explains carefully. 

“Doyoung…” Jaehyun says again, the implications only now coming to him. “You…” 

He starts, but there are no words to convey what he’s feeling. He thinks he might start crying if he thinks about it for too long. 

Instead he surges forward to throw his arms around Doyoung’s shoulders, hugging him close and savouring the feeling of him. That he’s here, in their bed, and not going anywhere now. 

He’s Jaehyun’s to hold now, and Jaehyun’s alone. 

When he wakes up in the morning, Doyoung will be in bed next to him - not attending other responsibilities or getting ready for a job that takes up too many hours. 

“Okay,” Jaehyun murmurs, thinking of the little black box that he’d shoved into one of his drawers yet is always at the back of his mind, feeling like he finally knows what it means to promise. 

“Marry me.” 

Jaehyun has single handedly let down an entire generation of romantics by the most casual, unrehearsed and unprepared proposal anyone’s ever done. It’s word-vomit really, the brain to mouth filter malfunctioning in that split second that Jaehyun thinks about the ring. 

He’s just blurting out two words - two words that don’t even sound like a question, but that convey the question that has been at the tip of his tongue for weeks now. 

Doyoung looks just as confused as Jaehyun had been minutes ago, searching out Jaehyun’s gaze helplessly.

“What?” Doyoung asks, likely not sure if he’s heard it correctly. 

Jaehyun considers talking himself out of this, but then he thinks about the ring and the idea of forever, and deems it plausible it could start here tonight. 

It doesn’t have to be well planned like everything else in his life, maybe it can be spontaneous - as much as he’ll allow himself that. 

Maybe right here in their bedroom, where they’ve held each other for better or for worse, is exactly where he should be asking it. 

He gets up, walking around the bed with uncertain steps. He’s buried the ring in a drawer full of racing gear, one that Doyoung would have no business going through. 

It takes some unceremonious searching, nothing like the movies where they can make the ring appear out of thin air, but then he finds the small box. 

“Fuck,” Doyoung curses when he lays eyes on the object in Jaehyun’s hand. “You weren’t kidding.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t allow himself to get discouraged by Doyoung’s shocked reaction, and instead gets back in bed next to Doyoung, grabbing his hand. 

There’s so much he wants to say, to promise to Doyoung just like how he’s been promised Doyoung’s unsolicited attention for the years to come - but there’s only two words in his head right now.

“Marry me?” he asks this time, pulling the box open. 

He doesn’t even do that right, making it an awkward one-handed gesture as he pulls apart the lids of the box. 

Doyoung gasps, actually staring at the ring open mouthed. 

At least he’s playing his part well - now Jaehyun just needs to come up with a speech. One that sounds spontaneous but is still meaningful, one that he cannot simply fabricate on the spot but that still needs to sound like a heat of the moment declaration. 

“I love you, Kim Doyoung,” Jaehyun starts with familiar territory. 

His voice shakes as he goes on.

“I’ve had this thing for months and I could never find the right time to ask you, because we didn’t have much time at all. But it doesn’t matter, because I still want you, I want _us_ , no matter how much time we get to be together, and I want the commitment - I want to know that it’s _us_ ,” Jaehyun stutters out the last words, breathing shakily as he tries to compose himself. “I had this whole speech in my head, but you just pulled the rug on me, so, will you _please_ marry me?” 

Doyoung laughs, Jaehyun’s favourite laugh, soft and tender, his eyes turning to crescents as he grins toothily. 

“Jaehyun,” he exclaims, but the smile doesn’t fall from his face - still undeniably overwhelmed. “Oh Jaehyun…” he goes on dreamily, a sharp breath escaping him. 

Tears prickle his lash line and Jaehyun’s just about ready to start crying himself if Doyoung doesn’t answer soon. 

“Please?” Jaehyun nearly pleads, still eagerly awaiting an answer. He feels the wetness in his eyes, but blinks it away insistently.

“Yes, oh my - yes, of course,” Doyoung stammers out. “Yes, a thousand times yes.” 

Then he throws himself forward, wrapping his arms around Jaehyun and burying his face in his neck. 

Jaehyun puts the ring down before he gives into the embrace and holds Doyoung close. 

This is it, Jaehyun thinks. 

This is the moment he’s been dreading and anticipating at the same time, the moment where Doyoung says if he’ll be Jaehyun’s for life. 

It beats any expectations he had of it. 

The feeling that goes through him is euphoria, perhaps the best thing he’s ever felt - it beats any P1 he’s ever won. It’s not the same rushed kind of glory, but a safe and heartfelt warming that spreads all through him. 

He kisses Doyoung to seal the deal, to make sure that it’s real. 

It’s a short kiss but it bleeds emotion, anything he’s ever felt for Doyoung is right there at the tip of his tongue, and he gasps breathlessly when they pull apart. 

He tries to dive in once more, but Doyoung flattens his palm against Jaehyun’s chest and inches him back. His other hand locks around Jaehyun’s wrist, the hand that’s still holding the ring. 

“Jaehyun, you gotta-” he gestures down at the box, and Jaehyun blushes so hard he nearly catches fire. 

“Right,” he confirms nervously, looking down at the box. 

His hands tremble as he takes it out, the thin silver band so very heavy as he holds it between finger and thumb and searches out Doyoung’s hand.

“Wrong hand,” Doyoung says, pulling his right hand back, and Jaehyun blushes like crazy all over again. 

When he finally grips Doyoung’s left hand his hands are still shaking and he struggles a little to get the ring right where it should be, before it finally slides home onto Doyoung’s ring finger. 

Doyoung holds it out to look at it. 

It’s a subtle silver, but the little diamond peeks out through the glant when the light catches it, and Doyoung’s face is nothing but happy. 

“It’s beautiful,” he breathes. 

Jaehyun can’t help but agree, grabbing Doyoung’s hand and pressing a gentle kiss to it. 

“It looks perfect on you.” 

He helps Doyoung out of the rest of his clothes, everything but the ring landing on the floor. 

The ring stays on, and Jaehyun finds himself going back to hold Doyoung’s hand every now and then, the touch somehow more intimate than their naked bodies coming together. It’s been too long since they’ve had each other like this that Jaehyun tastes Doyoung with a whole new element of longing, now sealed with the promise of forever. 

He can feel the ring dig into his finger as Doyoung clasps his hand hard and gasps into his mouth, and Jaehyun thinks the weeks of longing and sleepless nights are all worth it in the end. 

Because in the end, it’s still them. 

“I guess I’m no longer unemployed,” Doyoung muses as he cuddles up and rests his head on Jaehyun’s chest after. “I’m a stay at home husband now.” 

Jaehyun laughs, the thought alone utterly ridiculous to him. 

Doyoung can’t sit still, he would go crazy if he was here all day waiting for him like Jaehyun had been doing the past days. 

“That’s a stay at home fiancé for now.” Jaehyun points out. 

“Yes of course, when will you promote me?” Doyoung asks, splaying his arm out over Jaehyun’s chest. 

Jaehyun hopes he can’t feel his heartbeat, which is embarrassingly fast. 

“That depends. Do you want a wedding?” He counters. 

Doyoung seems to consider this for a moment, his brow furrowed as he thinks

“I don’t care for a wedding, but I do want a honeymoon.” Doyoung says, and Jaehyun sighs in relief. 

Jaehyun feels relieved. He would have hated a wedding, going through all the notions of a traditional relationship that didn’t fit them. 

“We can get married in jeans and a sweater at the courthouse, frankly we could be in our pyjamas - as long as we get like a week of Hawaii, or Bora Bora” Doyoung muses dreamily. 

“Yes,” Jaehyun agrees in a heartbeat. “Two weeks, just you and me and warm sandy beaches,” he pictures, heart fluttering at the idea of it. “So at the end of next season? Maybe early July if they let me leave?” 

“You tell me,” Doyoung whispers. “I follow wherever you go.” 


	4. 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warnings: car crash accidents, major injury, comas (no MCD!!)

**JANUARY 2017**

“I just think that we don’t need three bedrooms _and_ a yard. Do you even know how to garden? I’m allergic to pollen, I can’t go outside in the spring _anyways_.”

“What’s the point of getting a new place if you want the exact same thing we have right now? We could just save ourselves the trouble of moving and stay where we are.” 

“Because I want something that’s _ours_ ,” Jaehyun argues. As an afterthought he adds, “and I want a bathtub.” 

“I will come back later,” the real estate agent excuses herself in the middle of the conversation, clearly entering the living room with very poor timing. 

“We could get the bathroom renovated in our flat,” Doyoung suggests. 

Jaehyun whines. 

It’s _not_ what he wants, but Doyoung is anything but cooperative in their search for a new home. 

It seems hypocritical as Doyoung was the one to bring it up casually, complaining that their bedroom was too small to fit two large closets - something they definitely needed. 

Jaehyun had said they should look for a bigger place, maybe with a spare bedroom to serve as a study, and Doyoung had been reluctant at first, after all it was _his_ apartment they were moving out of. Still, with some persuasion he’d been convinced, but Jaehyun could tell he wanted this more than Doyoung

They’d met with a real estate agent that had been recommended to Doyoung by his past co-workers, a discreet agency that managed high profile clients. Jaehyun had thought it was too much, but ever since the world caught news of Doyoung’s ‘early retirement’ he has been a person of interest to both potential employers and the media. Privacy had become a luxury, something they didn’t mind paying extra for. 

“Okay, fine,” Doyoung says with a sigh, looking out over the green grass. “I knew you’d hate the garden, I _know_ you’re allergic, and I don’t garden.” 

“Why would you want a garden? This is London,” Jaehyun points out. 

Doyoung laughs. 

“I don’t want a garden, no, I hate gardening,” Doyoung agrees. “I just thought we could have a deck, with a view.”

“If you want a view...” the estate agent pipes up, their voice echoing through the empty living room of the house they’re viewing. “Then I think I’ve got something. It might not be on your list, but I think you’ll love it.” 

Jaehyun looks at Doyoung a little helplessly, out of options save for the real estate agent’s suggestion. It’s all they have right now and while Jaehyun rarely trusts others to make decisions for him, beggars can't be choosers. 

They get in the car and drive back into the city, away from the overpriced properties in West Brompton and downtown to the tourist swamped areas. Jaehyun can already see Doyoung’s enthusiasm seeping away, not fond of the busy streets or rowdy groups of tourists that clog up the streets. 

Jaehyun feels much the same, but it’s _this_ or a garden he doesn’t want to take care of, so he keeps quiet for now. 

They drive into a parking garage, the valet allowing them in. It’s rare to find parking space adjacent to living in London, but the building they’re in has it covered, parking spaces allocated by house numbers in the basement of the property. 

“So, unlike the garden and three bedrooms you’ve been looking at, this has four bedrooms and no garden,” the agent explains in the elevator up. 

Jaehyun hadn’t failed to notice that she’d pressed the button that reads 27, the highest floor of the building, coincidentally also Jaehyun’s racing number. 

“But it definitely has the view you’re going for.”

The view _is_ there, as the agent shows them the rooftop terrace first, spanning around half the apartment. The apartment is beautiful but has nothing on the breathtaking view outside. It’s just after four, the sun is already threatening to set over the Thames and both Doyoung and Jaehyun are a bit taken aback by the sight. 

From the top floor it’s easy to look out over the roofs of other buildings, giving them a view of the sunset dipping in the water.

Jaehyun notices how quiet it is outside, how the city is there as background noise, but far away enough to distance himself from it. The only reason he had been onboard with the garden idea was that it would perhaps bring some peace and quiet, something ultimately difficult to come by in the centre of London. 

Moving away wasn’t an option, the city centre a good connection point to Heathrow and Milton Keynes if Jaehyun ever needed to go up - so perhaps a quaint little garden patch could have offered him the make-believe quietness he was searching for. 

It couldn’t, at least not compared to this, where the traffic down below was so far away that the sound of the wind tugging at the building could overpower it. 

He looks at Doyoung, who is sitting down on one of the settees standing around a coffee table. He had said at the previous few houses that by sitting down and getting a short glimpse of everyday life in said house would help the decision making. 

The way the sun catches in Doyoung’s hair and illuminates the perfect sharp lines of his face have Jaehyun thinking that he couldn’t be more right. 

He _can_ picture himself enjoying such a view. 

“There’s also a hot tub,” the agent says just when Jaehyun thinks he doesn’t need anymore convincing, stepping up on the wooden deck and patting on the plastic lid. 

Doyoung stands up in interest, coming up to look at it together with Jaehyun. 

Although Jaehyun never believed that happiness could be purchased, he thinks sitting in this hot tub, looking out over the city with the love of his life, may be the closest thing. 

“Would you like to see the rest of the house?” 

Jaehyun would buy it on the spot, but he agrees nonetheless, following the agent back inside. The living room and kitchen area are adjacent to the terrace, and Jaehyun doesn’t catch a word of all the designer equipment the kitchen comes with. 

Instead, he looks around, tries to picture their furniture in the vacant spaces of the apartment. 

There’s a downstairs bathroom with a bathtub (Jaehyun is _sold_ ), and there’s a bedroom that could be used as a study, with good light fall from two angles. The staircase to the second floor leads them out on the balcony overseeing the living area, and then the master bedroom which holds the same view, except with curtains and glass walls to cancel the noise from outside. It has an ensuite bathroom, this one also with a bathtub right in front of a window, with a chique view of London. 

“The place isn’t listed yet, but the seller is sure to leave London,” the agent explains when they’ve seen the other two bedrooms, smaller but definitely functional. 

Jaehyun doesn’t really need to think about it much, but they do need to _talk_ about it. Doyoung might not be as easily convinced as he is and it’s a huge investment for the both of them, not just financially but also for their relationship. 

With Jaehyun’s winning bonus and a monthly paycheck that proved he was, in fact, worthy of such a bonus, there were no doubts on his mind about the financial part of it. Even with Doyoung out of a job, they were in no position where they had to worry about that - Doyoung could live up to his _trophy husband_ dreams if he so desires. 

He doesn’t. Doyoung had been unemployed for all of two weeks before he started doing some freelance consulting, a job he could do when it suited him (and Jaehyun). While the income wouldn’t weigh in on their mortgage, Doyoung just wanted something to stay occupied, and a reason to keep his industry knowledge up to date. 

Jaehyun was thankful Doyoung had found something else, soothing some of the guilt he felt for taking Doyoung out of his career.

Over dinner that night Doyoung brings up the house again. 

“Could you see us having dinner on the rooftop terrace instead?” Doyoung asks casually.

Jaehyun chuckles. 

“Definitely,” he agrees.

“It’s a little overboard, it rains most days in London anyways,” Doyoung adds. 

Jaehyun bites his lip to hide the little prickle of disappointment, but he’s not surprised. Perhaps Doyoung is secretly hoping for a home with a garden where their plants could die while they travelled, or maybe he’s just very opposed to the idea of leaving this place. 

Jaehyun stuffs his mouth full of rice to keep himself from talking, mulling it over in his head. There are ways to convince Doyoung, some fairer than others, but he doesn’t want it to be something he has to talk him into. 

It’s a big step for them and he wants Doyoung to want it just as much as he does.

“I’m joking,” Doyoung says seconds later, laughing halfheartedly. “Even I’m not that pessimistic, baby.” 

“Thank god,” Jaehyun says, sighing in relief. “I loved it, the view, the quiet - I think it’s the best we’ve seen so far.” 

“I agree, it’s fantastic,” Doyoung says and that’s all Jaehyun needs to hear. 

∆

On a whim, when moving into their new apartment, Jaehyun had said that they “could invite guests over now that they have so much space”. He didn’t actually mean for it to be an _invitation_ , but more of a statement. 

Their old apartment was small - or they made it feel small with all the stuff they had in it - and inviting guests over was only possible after a day of tidying up. 

Settling into their new place with four bedrooms and a living area bigger than the entirety of their old place meant they had space for decorative pillows and fruit bowls, a decor suitable for inviting over friends. 

When Jaehyun said it, he didn’t think that Doyoung would _actually_ take that as an offer, but a week after they’ve unpacked the boxes Ten and Kun show up on their doorstep. 

Jaehyun hadn’t realised how much he’d missed his best friend, this being the first reunion since the last race of the season almost two months ago. They keep in touch nearly daily through calls or texts, but it’s not the same as seeing his friend’s smile in real life again. 

He hugs Ten long and hard, a comforting embrace that reminds him just how much they’ve missed each other. 

“Hey,” Ten says when they pull apart, turning to the audience they have. 

Doyoung and Kun are comfortable, but nowhere near as close as Ten and Jaehyun, so they stand watching the two. Jaehyun greets Kun while Doyoung and Ten share a peaceful glance with a hint of a smile. 

Jaehyun can’t ask for much more of them. 

Doyoung cooks dinner while Jaehyun catches up with Kun and Ten. They are staying in London for a short weekend getaway, happily interrupted by Doyoung’s invitation for dinner - and of course to celebrate. 

Just days after Jaehyun had asked Doyoung the question and put the ring on his finger, Ten had called him with similar news, boasting about his own 1,135 carat ring. They hadn’t seen each other since and Jaehyun was only now witnessing the diamond on Ten’s finger in real life.

It’s huge and sparkly, nothing like the subtlety on Doyoung’s ring finger - but still very fitting for someone like Ten. 

“It looks beautiful,” Jaehyun says, carefully trailing over it with his finger. 

It sits well on Ten’s finger, like Jaehyun can’t remember ever seeing him without it. 

“It’s very _you_ ,” Doyoung points out and Ten rolls his eyes. 

“You mean trashy?” Ten asks, and Doyoung nearly chokes on a sip of wine. 

Jaehyun pats his back gently to help him cough it up and Ten basks in the reaction.

“I meant _dramatic_ , but call it what you want,” Doyoung says, wiping his lips with a napkin.

“Well yours looks cheap,” Ten returns, childishly sticking out his tongue as Doyoung holds up his hand to show it off. 

“I wish,” Jaehyun sighs and everyone laughs. 

Dinner is not so bad when Ten and Doyoung can find it in themselves to be civil - something they do more often, if only for Jaehyun’s sake. 

Years ago Ten and Doyoung would end up arguing every single chance they got, while nowadays a glare or sharp remark is as bad as it gets. Jaehyun takes pride in how he’s meddled between them. 

“It’s really just for show, anyways,” Ten says when it’s just him and Jaehyun and an expensive bottle of whiskey. 

Kun and Doyoung are in the study, looking at things Jaehyun is uninterested in on a day off. 

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun asks, furrowing his brow. 

“The ring, it’s an engagement but - we have signed the papers, if anything happens Kun can file them for us,” Ten explains, and a white shiver of panic shifts through Jaehyun’s spine. 

“You mean…,” Jaehyun asks, leaving the blank for Ten to fill, the elder always so brutal when he needs to be.

“I mean if I drive myself into a pulp and I end up a vegetable in a bed, then Kun can pull the plug on me,” Ten explains, sipping from his glass.

Jaehyun sloshes the golden brown liquid around in his glass and purses his lips. 

“You could just make him your power of attorney,” Jaehyun suggests, thinking that Ten is still _his_ , a stupid decision he made when he transferred and didn’t know who else to put the burden on. 

While Doyoung had been on his mind back then, he felt like he was overstepping boundaries by putting such a crucial role on him. Besides, he trusted Ten to make decisions for him, the closest thing he had to a mentor. 

“I want him to be comfortable when I’m gone, I want him to keep the house and my money,” Ten says. 

Jaehyun hadn’t even thought that far. 

Doyoung had enough money to live comfortably even without Jaehyun, but if Jaehyun were to return from the circuit in a body bag, then Doyoung would still have to deal with the aftermath. Not just the emotional pain, but the practicalities. He might have to fight over cutlery and vases with his parents, his next of kin and legal heirs. 

His parents who Jaehyun hadn’t talked to in months, whom Doyoung had never met before - people he _never_ wanted to introduce Doyoung to. 

“I can _see_ you thinking,” Ten points out. “I know it’s overkill and ridiculous and you’re never going to need it, but it’s good to have things prepared.”

Prepared. 

As morbid as it sounds, Jaehyun believes Ten in a heartbeat. He can’t believe he slept peacefully all this time without being prepared for a worst case scenario. 

“You should talk about it, it’s what married people do,” Ten says, as he pours two more glasses. 

“Not married yet,” Jaehyun explains for the fiftieth time and Ten just laughs.

“Come on, you live like _this_ , and you have aprons and placemats and stuff in the kitchen - this is what marriage is about.” 

“I don’t think basic standards define a marriage-” 

“Your not-husband quit his job to wag his tail at you from the sidelines, that makes him a trophy husband and makes _you_ married.” Jaehyun laughs, shaking his head. He’s relieved Doyoung isn’t there to overhear this. 

“We’re just waiting for a good time for a honeymoon,” Jaehyun explains, and it’s Ten’s turn to laugh.

“Good luck with that,” he says in disbelief. “A little bird told me Luhan is retiring this season, there is no way you’ll have time for a honeymoon.”

“So? My contract is another year at least, and they’re thinking of extending-”

“They’re thinking? There won’t be much to think if Mercedes comes knocking at your door. And the contract fines are _peanuts_ compared to their budget.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t like to anticipate it, thinking he will get there when he gets there. 

If he keeps working this hard, then he’ll get there eventually. At some point he will have the best car, making him the best driver, and he will win the world championship. He believes it like it’s the natural order of things, and he believes it so firmly that there’s no need to picture it or speculate about it like he used to do. It’s no longer an abstract dream in the back of his mind, it’s something he’s planning for and gradually working towards. 

Still it alights a giddy spark of hope hearing Ten say this.

“I’ll see where it goes,” is what he says, but Ten sends him a sharp look that says he’s full of lies. 

Jaehyun can’t deny it. 

Secretly he hopes, but hopes are just that, and until it’s written and signed on paper, that’s all he’ll allow himself to do, hope. 

∆

“It’ll be like a date,” Jaehyun tries and fails to convince Doyoung when _they_ have to get fitted for new tracksuits. 

Taeil informed him casually during a meeting that since Doyoung would be travelling with them and could potentially be present in the pit as Jaehyun’s partner, he would have to be officially introduced into their new team, tracksuit and all. 

Doyoung is _not_ a fan of this. 

“A date with your stylist? No thanks,” Doyoung scoffs, rolling his eyes. 

Jaehyun had anticipated that Doyoung would be less than happy adjusting to his new plus one lifestyle, but in practice it was even worse, downright excruciating on days like this. These last steps were just the initial doubt wearing off, the final band-aid to rip off where Doyoung exchanges his black-silver-blue tracksuit for the same dark blue one Jaehyun wears. 

The entire issue lies rooted much deeper than that. While Doyoung’s decision had been his own, Jaehyun knew it wasn’t something Doyoung would have decided had he been on his own. Quitting his own job only to be sucked into Jaehyun’s wasn’t ideal and Jaehyun did everything he could to make that transition as smooth as possible, continuously postponing what his manager was asking of Doyoung.

Except now it was only a matter of weeks before the season kicked off and putting it off was no longer an option. 

“Doyoung you _know_ the drill, if you’re in the pit you wear a tracksuit, it’s for your own-”

“Safety, yes I know - I’ve done this for longer than you have. I just don’t want your red and dark blue tracksuit,” Doyoung points out.

“You said it looked _sexy_ , were you lying to me?” Jaehyun asks with a laugh.

“It looks sexy when you take it off,” Doyoung corrects.

“Maybe I’ll take it off if you ask nicely,” Jaehyun teases, stealing a quick kiss from his fiance's lips. 

Doyoung seems satisfied with this answer, humming happily as he kisses Jaehyun back. 

Except Doyoung still has that same frown on his face when they pull apart, and Jaehyun worries. He knows how much he’s asking of Doyoung now that he’s no longer in racing as an engineer, but as a husband-and-boyfriend. 

Doyoung is sacrificing so much just to be with Jaehyun, it feels unfair to ask even more - yet there he was, once again asking too much.

“Why don’t you ask for your old measurements, and send them up? I’ll tell them you were too busy to make it,” Jaehyun suggests instead, and Doyoung’s face softens.

“Thanks,” Doyoung whispers. 

“ _But_ you do have to come out and meet my crew before we go to Melbourne,” Jaehyun points out. 

“ _Fine_ ,” Doyoung agrees with playful reluctance.

Meeting Jaehyun’s _crew_ is nowhere near as bad as he anticipated. 

Jaehyun makes reservations at Doyoung’s favourite restaurant and tells Yuta and Sicheng to be there on time ( _or else)_. Doyoung would be annoyed right away if they showed up late, and there is no room for error tonight. 

It’s been a while since they’ve dressed up to go out and Jaehyun has nearly forgotten how good his fiance looks in a suit. It’s a shame they don’t do this more often, as it’s such a pleasant sight that he forgets what he’s doing and stares. 

“What?” Doyoung asks, smiling when he notices Jaehyun staring.

“Nothing,” Jaehyun says, shaking his head to himself. “You look good, that’s all.” 

Doyoung flushes, laughing a little nervously. 

“Thank you,” he says, slipping a watch over his wrist and locking it into place. Jaehyun recently bought him a silver Cartier watch to go with the ring, a belated Christmas present. 

Doyoung had called it the start of his career as trophy husband and Jaehyun had laughed it off. Yet now that he’s seeing how good it looks on Doyoung, he can’t help but think he should do this more often _too_. 

“You can close your mouth,” Doyoung points out, making it Jaehyun’s turn to blush as he realises he’s been caught staring again. “What do you want me to say, sorry we’re late, my fiancé couldn’t stop staring at me?” 

“We should get going,” Jaehyun agrees, trying to hide the blush on his cheeks as he does a key and wallet check before they head out the door. 

Like promised, Yuta and Sicheng are already present when they arrive, talking to each other by the table for four. 

Yuta stands up first, waving Jaehyun in as he smiles. 

“Hey!” He greets, pulling Jaehyun in for a short hug.

Jaehyun turns to Sicheng next, who seems equally as happy to see him. Admittedly it’s been a while since they’ve last seen each other, Jaehyun’s presence at the office is sparse during this winter ‘break’. 

Eventually that leaves the awkward moment of silence in which Jaehyun has to introduce Doyoung to them. 

Technically he doesn’t have to. 

Sicheng and Yuta know who Doyoung is from the endless stories Jaehyun tells about him, and just by the name in the industry. Likewise, Doyoung knows who Sicheng and Yuta are, and they’ve said hi to each other on multiple occasions when their paths cross in the pit. 

However, Jaehyun has never formally introduced them to one another. There has never been a necessity for that, not until Doyoung quit his job and became Jaehyun’s official plus-one. 

“This is Doyoung, my fiance.” 

It’s the first time he gets to introduce Doyoung like that, his fiancé. It feels good to say it, something he’s secretly been longing to say for a while now. The confident manner in which he says it doesn’t go unnoticed to Doyoung, who squeezes his hand softly. 

He feels the coolness of the engagement ring press into his hand. 

“Doyoung, this is Yuta, my race engineer, and Sicheng my lead engineer,” he says then, gesturing at the both of them. 

They shake hands as a formality, but all Jaehyun has eyes for is the ring on Doyoung’s finger, the diamond reflecting shyly in the dim lights. 

Sicheng is easy to win over and admittedly a little starstruck by Doyoung. Being in the same field, he has an abundance of questions he wants to ask and is so overwhelmed he has to hold himself back in between. 

Yuta’s a little tougher, initially a little cold. He knows Doyoung well, but he also knows the things Jaehyun tells him when there’s no one else to listen. Yuta was the one he vented to when he used to spend the night alone, suffering under Doyoung’s busy schedule, so naturally Yuta has reservations about him. They’re all questions out of concern, or simply because Yuta is so protective of him. 

Doyoung manages to talk those out and by the end of the night they converse like old friends. 

Jaehyun had forgotten the people-person Doyoung really is and how he himself had once been persuaded by him in a hotel bar. He recalls it as a fond memory, thinking that Jaehyun then could never have imagined he’d end up here, with Doyoung on his side as his fiancé. 

Jaehyun finishes the night with a good feeling, bidding pleasant goodbyes to his crew before he and Doyoung catch a taxi home. 

Doyoung had been happy all evening and Jaehyun had secretly spent a little too much time admiring just that, the way he laughed, the way his eyes creased whenever he smiled, and the way he rolled his eyes when Yuta said something he disagreed with. 

“You’re staring again,” Doyoung points out in the back of the taxi. 

He’s sitting on the other side of the taxi, a respectful empty seat between them. 

They’re in the backseat, the partition drawn up to create a hint of privacy but also making it feel that much more cramped. 

“Sorry,” Jaehyun apologises, shaking his head to himself. “Did you enjoy tonight?” 

“It was nice,” Doyoung says. “Yuta and Sicheng are good people, you’re lucky to have them.” 

Jaehyun knows he’s lucky to have them, because he didn’t always have them. 

On his previous team he had Mark, but his race engineer had been nothing like Yuta, nowhere near as helpful or invested in what he did. He never felt like they were rooting for Jaehyun - always thinking it was just a job to them. 

“I guess I just miss my own team,” Doyoung says, a sliver of sorrow in his tone, snapping Jaehyun out of his thankful thoughts.

“Oh,” Jaehyun says thoughtfully. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t be,” Doyoung says chuckling. “There’s no need to be sorry Jaehyun, I made the right decision to quit and I can call Taeyong and Jungwoo if I really want to.” 

Jaehyun hadn’t been formally introduced to Doyoung’s team, but he knew Luhan and Baekhyun from their wild parties. He’d seen most of the Mercedes crew at them, or he’d seen their faces in passing in the pit. 

He feels bad for taking it away from Doyoung, the feeling of belonging, the sense that you have a family away from home. Most teammates felt lonely from time to time, always travelling all over the world but without the telltale high of chasing their dreams - to some it was just a job. 

A job that came with insane hours and limited time off. Naturally the team gravitates to one another, so with Doyoung no longer having one and being haphazardly introduced to Jaehyun’s, he must feel strange, _sad_ even. 

“Thank you for doing this tonight,” Jaehyun says. 

The air has shifted between them and Jaehyun feels guilty as much as he dreads Doyoung’s next words.

Doyoung’s decision to quit would never be an easy decision. 

Jaehyun had felt it then, that night a couple weeks ago when Doyoung told him, and he feels it now, that somewhere Doyoung’s conflicted about his decision. Doyoung hates the uncertainty, because he always has all the answers - and yet this decision wasn’t scripted. He couldn’t test it or narrow it down to numbers, there was no trial and error. 

He hoped showing Doyoung how serious he was would help, buying a new place together, introducing Doyoung to his team like he was part of it - but he wouldn’t be. The stigma around husbands-and-boyfriends would be the same for him. It didn’t matter much who he had been, his title would be reduced to Jaehyun’s _partner_. 

It’s unfair but it’s the reality they live in. 

The moment Doyoung stepped down someone else would step up, and within weeks his legacy would be torn down by someone else, someone willing to give their life for the team. 

Now Doyoung had nothing but Jaehyun to keep him in this world. 

“You don’t have to thank me,” Doyoung says timidly, breaking the silence between them.

Jaehyun looks up at him, catching just how Doyoung puts his knee on the seat and sets himself right down in Jaehyun’s lap. 

Jaehyun gasps as Doyoung’s familiar weight settles on his thighs. Doyoung’s arms snake around his shoulders, drawing him in closer to latch their lips together. 

What starts as an innocent kiss soon escalates when Doyoung’s hand tugs on Jaehyun’s hair and his thighs clamp down over Jaehyun’s lap. He licks into his mouth fervently, canting his hips forward to get closer to him. 

Jaehyun momentarily forgets they’re in the backseat of a taxi, eagerly licking back into Doyoung’s mouth, tasting the sweet rosé they had over dinner. The muscles in Doyoung’s back feel tense as Jaehyun slides his hand up over it, and he revels in the way he relaxes under the attention of his hands. 

“Maybe not here,” Doyoung breathes, when Jaehyun raises his hips to create some gentle friction. 

Doyoung is a liar with the way he kisses Jaehyun’s jaw, ghosts his breath over the shell of his ear and nips at his neck gently. Jaehyun’s certain that right here in the back of the car is _exactly_ what Doyoung has in mind. 

The car stops abruptly, and Jaehyun peeks out the window to see they’re at a red light. He recognises the streets and knows they’re not far from home and wagers the time in his head - maybe he can keep his hands to himself for that long. 

Doyoung isn’t making it any easier, moving his hands to tug on the collar of Jaehyun’s shirt. 

“Not here?” Jaehyun asks, reaching up to brush his hand through Doyoung’s hair and get his attention back up. 

Doyoung bites his lip, cocks an eyebrow and then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, sliding off Jaehyun’s lap. 

Jaehyun sighs defeatedly, straightening out his slacks to busy his hands that are yearning for Doyoung on the other end of the car. 

When they get home Jaehyun doesn’t know how fast to get his hands back on Doyoung, tearing off the suit he’d watched him put on earlier on their way to the bedroom. He doesn’t think he’ll ever grow tired of fucking Doyoung in _their_ bedroom, with the city nightlights a beautiful backdrop to the masterpiece in the sheets. 

Each time it’s overwhelming all over again, but tonight he spends a particularly long time mapping out every inch of Doyoung’s skin, showering him in soft kisses, teasing licks and breathless praises. 

He sits back on his haunches and enjoys the sight in front of him, a lost reflection of light casting over Doyoung’s chest. 

“What?” Doyoung asks, frowning at the sudden pause. 

Jaehyun’s hands are still at his side, not going anywhere. 

“Nothing,” Jaehyun says, except there’s definitely something he needs out - yet it can wait until they’re not dripping with arousal. 

He manages to push the thought to the side for long enough, revisiting it after Doyoung bullies him out of the shower they end up taking together. He curls up in bed and waits for Doyoung to return. 

It’s become a habit, where they’ll both stay awake and stare out the window at the view that never gets tiring. It’s comfortable, especially when Doyoung gets back to bed and Jaehyun rests his head on his chest, the rhythm of Doyoung’s heartbeat a soothing lullaby to his ears.

“You know that Ten and Kun’s engagement is fake?” Jaehyun says out of nowhere. 

“What?” Doyoung snorts. “Like the ring isn’t real or something?” 

“No,” Jaehyun says, curling his hands in the fabric of Doyoung’s shirt. “They’ve got everything arranged already, they just haven’t filed the papers - but they’d technically be married as soon as they did.” 

“Oh,” Doyoung says. 

Jaehyun waits for an answer - maybe the suggestion that it’s a good idea to have things figured out in case something goes wrong, but Doyoung comes up with nothing. 

“It’s for emergencies, you know, in case something happens,” Jaehyun explains and then it clicks, his fiancé humming understandingly.

“I have a will, if something happens to me then everything is yours.” 

“It is?” Jaehyun asks in surprise, looking up to make eye contact.

“Yeah,” Doyoung confirms casually, looking away like it’s not a big deal. 

“You didn’t tell me?” 

“I had it changed recently after I quit, I had to arrange some things financially and revise my power of attorney. I had no idea that I still had Jungwoo listed.” 

“Jungwoo was your power of attorney?” Jaehyun asks in a mix of surprise and horror.

“It was practical while we worked together, we had to have someone on the team or family listed. I didn’t trust Taeyong to make good decisions, so I chose Jungwoo.” 

It makes sense, Jaehyun can’t blame him. Jaehyun’s is Ten, who is much like Jungwoo capable of making decisions even when times are bad. Ten would know what was best for him if it ever came down to that. 

Come to think of it, he wouldn’t want Ten and Doyoung fighting by his bedside either. 

“Mine is still Ten,” Jaehyun admits sheepishly. 

Doyoung whines. “Well that’s just not fair, the least you can do is pick me too.” 

“Really? Would you unplug me if you had to?” Jaehyun asks. 

Doyoung grimaces. 

“That’s not going to happen,” he says. “I'm the old one, remember? I’m going first.” 

“I’m the one that drives, so you know that’s not how it works,” Jaehyun points out, casually morbid.

Doyoung seems unimpressed, looking away. 

“I’m just saying, we should be prepared in case something happens. You don’t want to fight with Ten, or my parents if something happens to me,” Jaehyun explains.

“Then get a will, like I did - it’s not rocket science, I’m sure your team has people for that,” Doyoung says sternly. 

There’s a rough edge to his voice that has Jaehyun’s heart stuttering in panic. 

“Well we _could_ just get the papers signed, so you can file them in case something happens,” Jaehyun suggests again.

Doyoung sits up in bed and shoves Jaehyun off him. 

“I told you, I don’t want that. We’ll get married when the time is right and when we can have our honeymoon, I’m not doing it for convenience.” 

“It’s not just for-”

“No Jaehyun! I’m not going to sign a piece of paper that gives me everything when you’re gone, I don’t _want_ that.”

Doyoung yanks up the blanket and gets out of bed, storming into the bathroom. 

When he hears the lock of the door he flinches, falling back against the pillow in defeat. 

He closes his eyes, sinks his fingers down into the sheets and takes a few deep breaths. He knows if he goes in now he’ll be too angry to hear Doyoung out, and every word he says will just fuel the fire. 

They don’t fight often, but when they do it’s always like this. 

It’s a misunderstanding out of proportion and Doyoung gets too emotional, jumping to conclusions he would’ve never reached if it wasn’t for Jaehyun’s inability to think before he speaks. 

Granted, no one wants to get married out of convenience. Jaehyun wasn’t that stupid, he knows you can’t ask someone to marry you because it’s convenient. But he hadn’t proposed out of convenience - his proposal had been unplanned and chaotic, a heat of the moment decision that had drawn the words out of him. That, if anything, should show that it’s what he wants because he loves Doyoung, not out of convenience. 

If Jaehyun wanted convenience, well, he wouldn’t have chosen Doyoung. Nothing about them had ever been practical, Doyoung knows that too. 

After a few calming breaths Jaehyun sits up and walks over to the bathroom door, pressing his ear against it.

Instantly he recognises the sound of Doyoung’s crying. 

Jaehyun’s heart shatters, rapping his knuckles on the door.

“Doie, open the door,” Jaehyun says, raising his voice to make sure he’s heard on the other side.

The crying turns into sniffles, footsteps padding to the door. The click of the lock cuts through the air, and Jaehyun carefully slides the door open.

Doyoung has his back against him, standing by the sink while he rummages through a drawer. Jaehyun carefully steps up behind him, catching a glance of Doyoung’s tear stained cheeks in the mirror. 

“Hey,” he whispers.

Doyoung drops everything he’s doing and turns around, burying his face in Jaehyun’s neck as he throws his arms around him. He sobs into Jaehyun’s shoulder, body trembling with the intensity of it. 

It doesn’t get any better as Jaehyun brushes his hand up and down Doyoung’s back. He wraps his other arm around Doyoung’s shoulders, pulling their bodies close together in hopes to stifle the way he shakes. 

Jaehyun shushes him until his breathing finally evens out and the sobs turn into little sniffles. Eventually Doyoung dares to pull away, his hand coming down to rest on Jaehyun’s shoulders instead. 

“Sorry,” Doyoung murmurs softly, his voice still full of tears. 

“Don’t be,” Jaehyun says, shaking his head. 

“I just…” Doyoung sniffs, gripping the fabric of Jaehyun’s shirt. 

“You don’t have to explain,” Jaehyun says, hoping to offer him an out if he needs one. 

Doyoung finally looks up, meeting Jaehyun’s eyes. The look on his face is heartbreaking and Jaehyun feels the heaviness land on his shoulders. 

“You’re not allowed to say things like that anymore,” Doyoung starts, inhaling shakily. “You can’t just say I have to fight Ten over your deathbed - you are _not_ going anywhere.” 

His voice quivers as he says it and Jaehyun’s heart crumbles under it. 

“I’m not, I’m right here,” Jaehyun promises. 

He reaches up to grab Doyoung’s hands, interlacing them with his own as he holds them. 

“If you pull something like that on me I’ll-” Doyoung starts, but the tears catch up with him again and he breaks down against Jaehyun’s shoulder, gripping his hands tightly. 

“It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere,” Jaehyun promises, squeezing Doyoung’s hands as if to promise. 

Jaehyun could cry too, if only because of how stupid he feels. 

Marriage is about spending forever together, not stippling out your timeline of forever and planning when it ends. 

Jaehyun is a fool.

Doyoung has every right to slam doors and get upset, especially as Jaehyun had breached the subject so casually. _Oh by the way, in case I die - here’s what you should do._

“I’ll change my POA,” he mentions after Doyoung has calmed down significantly and he releases him from his hold. 

“You better,” Doyoung teases, still sniffling lightly. 

Jaehyun reaches out to the sink to grab a glass, filling it up with water and holding it out to Doyoung. 

“Here, have some, and then come back to bed with me,” Jaehyun offers. 

It’s an easy decision for Doyoung to make, gulping down the glass of water before linking hands with Jaehyun and letting himself be pulled back to bed.

**MARCH 2017**

It’s good to be back in Melbourne. 

It’s a long flight with an overlay in Singapore but as always, the moment they get off the plane the summer heat settles on Jaehyun’s skin and he feels much better. 

He always enjoys travelling with Doyoung, a luxury they didn't get much as their companies booked different flights and they sometimes missed each other at the airport by a couple hours. 

That was _before_ Doyoung quit his job to be by Jaehyun’s side permanently. 

Things are different now, because Doyoung has the same flight, the same hotel room and the same taxi that takes them there. Almost every minute of the 24 hours they’ve been travelling has been spent with Doyoung and it’s a luxury he’s going to love growing used to. 

“So Ten’s staying here as well,” Jaehyun says when they settle in the hotel room. Doyoung revels in the fact that they have a bathtub with jet streams, and Jaehyun thinks it’s the perfect opportunity to ask for a favour. “He’s asking if we can have dinner tonight.” 

“Of course,” Doyoung says, perhaps still a little bit bewildered by the bathroom or suddenly very eager to see Ten.

Ten agrees to dinner in the hotel restaurant, after Donghyuck complains in the group-chat that he’s tired from travelling and the only other distance he’ll cover today is for food and back. Ten spams pouting emojis but they agree to make reservations. 

Technically Jaehyun still isn’t back to work - the season doesn’t start until tomorrow with the official debrief. He enjoys his last day off by napping, listening to Doyoung muse on about the massage jet bathtub, and flipping through local TV channels out of boredom.

It’s a good afternoon, followed by an early dinner. 

Jaehyun and Doyoung arrive last, Jaehyun’s old teammates already seated around the table. He sits down next to Ten, already missing him even if they only spent a couple weeks apart.

“How are you?” Jaehyun asks in a more private conversation somewhere through dinner. 

The rest of the table is excitedly talking about proposed DRS changes, but Jaehyun and Ten have had them drilled through their skull during training this season which leaves them some privacy.

“Good,” Ten answers cheerfully. 

“This is my last year.” 

Jaehyun drops his fork in shock.

He knew Ten had been talking about retiring. Last year Ten had told him that his heart wasn’t in it anymore and that somewhere the need to win had turned into a need for money. Jaehyun understood, but there were practicalities to it and timing and contracts and quitting wasn’t just that. You couldn’t just walk away, yet now Ten had figured out how and Jaehyun wasn’t sure how to feel. 

“Congratulations?” Jaehyun says questioningly. 

“Thanks,” Ten agrees, eyes creasing up when he smiles. “We settled it last week, I don’t want a contract extension on these terms and they don’t want to change my terms, so I’m quitting.” 

“You sound happy about it,” Jaehyun concludes. 

“Oh yes, definitely. This is my last year, so I really have to live it up while I can,” Ten says, batting his lashes in ways only he can.

Jaehyun laughs in disbelief, shaking his head to himself. 

If he has to go; then this is how he wants to end his racing career. On his terms, when he’s accomplished what he wants and is ready to let the rest go. 

“What are you going to do?” Jaehyun asks. 

Ten peaks up in interest and starts talking about all the plans they have. They’re buying a new house with a yard, and he wants to get a dog - but only after they spend six months travelling the world. He’s seen so much of it yet never really seen anything at all - it makes so much sense to Jaehyun, who is only a little jealous as he listens to Ten’s plans. 

“And maybe when I get back I’ll write a book,” Ten jokes, but Jaehyun can totally see him pulling off something like that. 

There are stories to Ten that Jaehyun doesn’t even know, all dating back to before Jaehyun met him. Sometimes he refers back to the hidden glimpses of his past, but he never goes into any details. 

Jaehyun can run a Google search and find the scandals that changed Ten’s career, but he doesn’t want to read the chewed up media story of what happened. It won’t change the way he sees his best friend. He loves who he is today, and doesn’t care much for how he got here. 

“That sounds good,” Jaehyun says. “I’d like a signed copy.”

“You can get a lipstick stained one,” Ten winks, laughing all the same. 

On his way back up after dinner, Jaehyun shares the news with Doyoung.

“Ten is quitting,” he announces, but Doyoung doesn’t seem shocked at all.

“Good for him,” Doyoung says. It’s not harmful at all, his tone genuine. “Quitting on your own terms is the best way to go.” 

Jaehyun churns it over in his head. Doyoung isn’t wrong. Being kicked out for reasons or having injury force you into retirement isn’t graceful but it does get people talking. Racers that retire on their own accords will be remembered for just that, racing - none of the circus surrounding it. 

“It is,” Jaehyun says. “I’m happy for him.” 

“He deserves it,” Doyoung agrees. 

Jaehyun can’t help but hope, think and _wish_ that one day he’ll deserve it too.

**MAY 2017**

Barcelona is beautiful in spring, a warm promise of summer lingering in the air. 

Jaehyun loves being closer to home. Knowing that the day after the race it’s just a two hour flight back to London makes it all feel a little easier. The travel out there takes up less than half a day, leaving him the afternoon at the circuit without responsibilities. 

Yuta sits across from him on one of the pit benches, plucking on the sheets of his notepad as the crew sets up around them. 

“You don’t have to be here, y'know?” Yuta says, eyeing Jaehyun suspiciously.

Jaehyun knows that very well, but also knows that Doyoung is in their hotel room working on one of his freelance projects and that staying behind would make him a nuisance.

“I don’t mind,” Jaehyun says, shrugging.

He truly likes seeing the way the teams can build up everything so fast, only to break it down the day after the race and make it look like they hadn’t been there to begin with.

“Ten is leaving next year,” Jaehyun says. 

“I know. He told me last year that he wanted to quit, so I figured it would be a matter of time,” Yuta says. 

“Do you think it’s hard?” Jaehyun asks, a little melancholy to his voice. “I mean to quit.” 

“For Ten? No, he’s been through so much shit in all of this, for him quitting is the best way to go.” 

Jaehyun worries his lip between his teeth. 

He knows it’s been hard for Ten, abnormally hard. 

In one of his first teams, the race engineer had been caught with illegal substance abuse, which meant the whole team had been under investigation for quite some time. The media had been unforgiving and labeled Ten as an addict which subsequently put him under official FIA investigation and had him sit out on three months of racing. 

It had been so dramatic that even after the media publicly apologised, Ten’s reputation had been damaged and his sponsor deals had all been called off. He’d recovered as well as anyone could, but things had never been the same for him again. 

Jaehyun thinks it’s why they got along so well. 

When Jaehyun came in a rookie with a blank preconceived idea of what this world was like, Ten had free range to mold it as he saw fit and Jaehyun had enjoyed it every step of the way. 

Without Ten, Jaehyun would have probably lost it somewhere along the way. He remembers that first year so well, how he’d been clueless and practically terrified of things he did everyday now but how Ten had made it all _normal_ and taught him how to deal with it. 

Every time he holds Doyoung’s hand in public or kisses him behind the scenes, he hears Ten’s words in his head: 

_They don’t care._

“You okay?” Yuta asks.

Jaehyun realises he’s been zoning out, jumping a little when he gets caught. 

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he agrees, “just really gonna miss him.” 

“Yeah man, I’m sure we all will - I hope they don’t take back some snotty brat to replace him,” Yuta says. 

“Hey! I was that snotty brat a couple years ago!” Jaehyun protests but secretly he feels very much the same. 

Any new face is new competition, meaning Jaehyun has to find new ways around it. 

He still lives comfortably as one of the most promising young racers ever, but after five years he’s not the youngest in the competition anymore and many grunts have tried following his footsteps. 

None of them have been able to catch up with him, but even that feels like a matter of time.

Until then, all Jaehyun can do is enjoy it. 

Δ

Jaehyun still isn’t used to the luxury of having Doyoung present before the race. 

Every time he sees him, in that deep blue purple tracksuit he feels the anticipation in his belly, happy to greet him. 

Last year they would say goodbye in the privacy of their hotel room, wishing each other luck and sharing a ‘good luck kiss’ that had at more than one point nearly made Jaehyun late. Now Doyoung would stop by on his way to the seats reserved for significant others and wish him good luck, just minutes before he was heading out onto the circuit to get into his car. 

He’s in the middle of something with Yuta when he hears Doyoung’s voice stealing his attention.

“Good luck today,” Doyoung says a little timidly as he comes up to the table.

Seeing Doyoung in a tracksuit that wasn’t his and a pit he didn’t belong in would probably always be strange to him. Jaehyun could imagine how bad it must be for Doyoung, to go from lead engineer to just a spectator. 

Humble doesn’t look good on him and he still feels out of place here, but Jaehyun hopes it’s just a matter of time. He’s happy to see him here either away, hugging him fondly. 

“Weather conditions are good today, so it should be a good race,” Doyoung says.

“That’s my line,” Yuta whines, but Doyoung laughs at him. 

“I won’t say another word about it,” he promises, reaching up to brush a strand of hair out of Jaehyun’s face. 

Jaehyun just catches Yuta ducking his head down - out of privacy, he presumes, before he closes his eyes and kisses his fiancé. It’s soft and short but probably what will linger in Jaehyun’s mind if the race gets predictable and boring.

“I’ll see you after, alright?” Doyoung promises when they pull apart.

Jaehyun smiles, mumbling a soft ‘thank you’ before he watches Doyoung leave. 

He worries for a split second that Doyoung hates this, hates sitting around with the other partners where he must feel out of place. 

There is something they have in common. They all have the same worry - they want their significant other to win. Most importantly they just want them to drive over the finish line in one piece. 

Except Doyoung’s worry might be wrapped in realistic fears of what can go wrong. He’s seen the accidents, he knows that disasters can happen and he knows the probabilities of them occurring. 

But in the end, they still share the same burden. 

Yuta draws his attention back, patting him on the shoulder and telling him it’s time to go. Sicheng follows him out on the track, checks some last things on Jaehyun’s neck and headrest before giving him the thumbs up.

“Weathers nice,” Jaehyun says to Yuta through the car radio. 

Yuta doesn’t answer. Jaehyun counts the seconds in his head, starting to worry when there’s no response for too long. “Yuta?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” he hears abruptly. “Weather conditions _are_ good, a stellar 25 degrees, nice and hot asphalt, low to medium winds to help you in those elevations - it’s a _great_ day.” 

Jaehyun laughs.

“If only I had time to go sunbathing,” Jaehyun muses, and he can practically _hear_ Yuta roll his eyes. 

“You have a race to drive,” he points out.

“Alright, let’s get started then.” 

The start is easy and languid. Jaehyun’s gotten used to starting P3, defending P3 and finishing P3 when the races are exceptionally boring. With this track and this weather, it seems likely that today will be no different. 

“Alright, so you’ve got three seconds on Luhan that makes eight on Byun,” Yuta informs him four uneventful laps after the start. “You're losing most in sector three, turn eight and nine.”

“Turn nine?”

“Sorry I meant turn seven and eight, there is no turn nine, I should know this,” Yuta laughs and Jaehyun does the same. 

“Turn nine is for you mate,” Jaehyun responds just as he cuts through turn six.

It’s silent for a while before Yuta confirms that this corner was much better than the previous ones, but that the distance on Luhan isn’t really closing in much.

“He’s so fucking slow,” Jaehyun barks out as he pushes up a little too close. 

“He’s buying time for Byun,” Yuta says. “He’s plus ten on you now, that’s plus three for Luhan.”

Realistically Jaehyun can’t overtake Baekhyun - he and his teammate have the best cars. But Luhan is tired and makes more mistakes lately than any other driver, and Jaehyun enjoys taking advantage of it, which is why he still stays close in on him. 

The race becomes pretty boring after that. The driver behind Jaehyun is a whole 30 seconds back and the ones in front of him are in no way attainable. 

Secretly Jaehyun enjoys this casual kind of racing, thinking about what he’s going to order for dinner tonight when they go out and celebrate, thinking about the way Doyoung had kissed him just before the race. 

Forty laps and two pit stops later and Jaehyun is still, predictably third. 

He’s no longer on Luhan’s tail, the overtake too risky with the way he’s defending Byun. Even if he did overtake him, there’s no way to know he won’t fight back and no guarantee that he’ll close in on the 20 seconds he lags behind Byun. 

“There’s a crash,” Yuta says suddenly, the words coming out of nowhere. Jaehyun’s track is peaceful and cleared, and the race hadn’t been rowdy at all.

“Where?” Jaehyun asks.

“There’s a crash in turn three, there’s debris on the track so you have to stay left.”

“What happened?” Jaehyun demands this time.

He answers his own question very soon, driving past the wreck of Ten’s car. It is missing three out of four tires and landed upside down against the tyre wall barricade. 

It looks nasty, the car completely done for.

Jaehyun holds his breath as he drives through the corner, eagerly awaiting Yuta’s answer on the other end.

“Is he getting out?” Jaehyun asks moments later, suffering Yuta’s radio silence. “Yuta? Is he out of the car?” 

“He’s not out yet,” Yuta says shortly. 

“What?!” Jaehyun barks. “What do you mean he’s _not_ out yet? Tell me what’s happening. Is he responding? Is he okay?” 

Yuta says nothing again and Jaehyun tries his very best to not lose focus on the track.

“Safety car in sector two,” Yuta relays. “Focus on your driving Jaehyun.”

“Tell me what’s happening!” He yells, smashing the mic button with his thumb.

“Safety car in sector three now, you have to slow down and you’ll be behind Luhan.” 

“Yeah I can see where it is, I can see where Luhan is I’m not fucking blind, now tell me what’s going on!” Jaehyun yells again.

“I think they’re going to red flag soon, Jaehyun, cool the car down, drive slower.”

It feels like he’s talking to a wall and he knows it’s only because Yuta isn’t allowed to transcribe information directly. He only shares what the race manager tells him to, but it’s suffocating when Jaehyun’s head is full of panic and he knows there’s reason to. 

“Jaehyun, they are red flagging this, you’re P3 - you have to come back in.” 

Red flagging. 

Jaehyun holds his breath again. They only red flag for crashes that leave the track so damaged it is no longer safe to drive on. 

If the circuit is too damaged for driving, that usually means the person involved is badly damaged, too.

“Do you know anything?” Jaehyun breathes into the mic, his heart ramming in his chest. He’s shaking so badly that he struggles to hold the wheel.

He knows Yuta can’t tell him more because knowing what’s going on might drive him _off_ the track. Still the not knowing is making his head spin so much every meter feels like forever as he drives towards the pit.

“I can’t see,” Yuta says, probably more than he’s allowed to say. “It’s not being broadcasted.” 

Jaehyun pales, heart stopping momentarily. 

They _always_ broadcast, always making sure to show the viewer that a driver is just fine and dandy after a crash to restore the image that racing is safe and fun. 

Out of respect, they don’t show drivers when it’s _bad_. 

“Please come in on the left, leave a five meter gap to Luhan,” Yuta says, just as one of the marshals allows Jaehyun to drive into the pit lane. “The left, that’s on the pit board side-”

“I know the fucking difference between left and right,” Jaehyun barks, slamming the breaks unnecessarily hard when he parks his car. “Can I get out of the car?”

Sicheng is right there to answer his question and help him out, probably sensing the urgency to Jaehyun’s hands reaching up for support. His body feels like jelly, like all other races - but he’s no less focused as he rushes into the pit to look at the screens.

They’re showing a temporary long shot over the tracks, seeing the cars come into the pit. Out of the corner of his eye Jaehyun sees Sicheng tell a cameraman to get lost, because they don’t need spectators here right now.

There’s nothing else to see, the cameras showing cars driving slow in lines to get back to the pit. Spectators sit still on the bleachers, an eerie silence hanging over them. 

“What happened?” Jaehyun asks, putting a headset to one ear to listen in on the intercom. 

“He slipped,” Yuta says. “Caught too much gravel in the corner and then he just -” 

Yuta makes a gesture with his hands and Jaehyun feels the worry in his chest, thick and sickening. 

“Did they show anything after, is there any footage?” 

“They did at first, but then they cut,” Yuta explains. “I didn’t see anything - I was looking at you there wasn’t…” Yuta runs his hand through his hair as he breathes out nervously. “I don’t know.”

“They’re not saying _anything_ , _”_ Jaehyun complains as he puts the headset down. “I’m going down there”

“No.”

It’s Taeil who speaks, suddenly coming up next to Jaehyun. “The race is cancelled.” 

Jaehyun’s had one cancelled race in all his five years as a racer and it had been due to extreme unforeseen weather conditions. Never had a race been cancelled due to issues on the circuit. 

Never due to an accident. 

“Is Ten okay?” Jaehyun asks hopelessly, but Taeil’s eyes are downcast and he does not look like he has any plans on answering. “I just want to talk to-”

“You should _not_ go down there,” Sicheng agrees. 

Jaehyun’s never good at following instructions that don’t suit him, so he swiftly ducks past Taeil and slips out the doorway. The hallway is packed with people, all equally as confused and loud about a cancelled race. 

He knows their pit is just a few doors down, but outside in the hallway people are already crowding up. Jaehyun catches Mark standing by the doorway, and when their eyes meet Mark’s head falls. 

“What’s going on?” Jaehyun asks, shuffling up next to Mark. 

“I don’t know,” Mark yells over the commotion of people as he looks back up. There are tears in his eyes and Jaehyun’s heart sinks. “Fuck, man, I don’t know, he wasn’t responding so they sent the medics… he’s unconscious, it’s bad, it’s really bad.” 

“Did you see the crash?” Jaehyun asks. 

Mark inhales shakily, nodding.

“He slipped, it was a stupid mistake, just too much gravel and not enough grip,” Mark explains. 

Jaehyun tries to picture the circuit in front of him, and how easy and tempting it is to break a little late and slip through that corner. 

Mark’s face changes, furrowing in concentration as he presses his earpiece into his ear. 

“They’re getting a heli, a trauma helicopter - fuck this is bad man, it’s really _bad_ ,” he stutters out, and Jaehyun feels sick with every word Mark says. 

“Where’s-” Jaehyun starts. 

As much as he can try to comfort Mark, he knows that he needs a different shoulder to cry on.

“Mark!” Donghyuck yells, shoving someone aside to make it to Mark’s side and pull him into his arms. He’s crying too, tears rimming his lashes - but his eyes are blown wide with panic and alertness.

Jaehyun’s going to be sick if he stays any longer. 

Sicheng had been right, he shouldn’t be here. 

He returns to his own pit to find Doyoung sat by Yuta’s side, and doesn’t hesitate for a moment, flinging himself into his fiancé’s arms. The tears finally fall once he sinks into Doyoung’s arms, unstoppable now that he’s in the safety of Doyoung’s comforting embrace.

Doyoung says nothing but hugs him back, a soothing hand trailing up and down Jaehyun’s back. 

When Jaehyun pulls himself away, he sees the tears are present in Doyoung’s eyes too. He must’ve seen it happen on TV and been just as scared as Jaehyun had been driving those last few meters back to the pit lane. 

“There’s a helicopter,” Yuta informs them. 

He’s still listening to the intercom with one earpiece, yet it can’t be doing much but looping the same safety message over and over at this point. 

Jaehyun swallows his tears, but stays by Doyoung’s side, reaching down to intertwine their hands. 

“That’s good, right?” Sicheng offers. “It means he’s still going to the hospital, that there’s still something they can do,” 

“I can’t do this,” Jaehyun says, the words slurred by his shaky breathing. “If he’s going to the hospital, I have to-”

“We’ll go,” Doyoung promises, squeezes his hand so tightly Jaehyun’s afraid it’ll fall off. It’s either that or he lets go and that’s not an option right now. 

“They’re taking him to the hospital,” Taeil informs them. “There’s a lot of damage to his spine, they don’t know how bad it is yet.” 

“Is he awake?” Jaehyun asks.

Taeil hesitates before he answers, likely seeing the tense look on Jaehyun’s face: “He’s unconscious.” 

It seems the news hits every team at around the same time, a deafening silence falling over them suddenly.

Jaehyun’s sniffling quietly when he looks at Doyoung, who is equally dumbfounded by the silence. It’s always loud and rowdy, except for now when the wait and suspension is killing them. 

“What about Kun?” Jaehyun asks, after Doyoung’s worried and defeated eyes eat away at him. 

“He’s on his way to the hospital,” Taeil confirms. “I’ll drive you there.” 

Δ

Jaehyun’s panicking all the way to the hospital. 

He sits in Doyoung’s lap, because there’s no more room in the backseat with Mark and Donghyuck, but it does nothing to calm him down, his breathing so fast he’s getting light headed. 

He expects it to get better once they arrive, but that’s where the real waiting game starts. They’re directed to a private wing, meeting Kun in one of the luxury private waiting rooms. 

Ten’s manager is also there, but he and Kun are sitting four chairs apart.

“Jaehyun,” Kun breathes when he finally sees him. 

He leaps forward to hug him and Jaehyun hugs him back, even if it feels a little hopeless.

“Did they say anything yet?”

“They took him into surgery right away,” Kun explains, before he greets Mark, Donghyuck and Doyoung too.

Jaehyun sits down across from Kun, Doyoung taking the seat next to him. 

Mark and Donghyuck are talking in the feigned privacy of a corner and Mark looks seconds away from losing it, his hands shaking even as Donghyuck tries to hold them. 

The hours go by painstakingly slowly. 

Every time Jaehyun checks the time it’s just another minute later and sometimes no visible time has passed at all. 

The atmosphere is tense and painful, the sharp sound of someone crying sometimes filling the air. It’s bad, so bad Jaehyun feels like this is the end - there’s no way any of them will ever recover from this.

At some point Doyoung leaves his side to sit down next to Kun. His face is stone cold, but there is a pain to his voice when he speaks, laced with fear. Doyoung talks to him for a while and Jaehyun can’t overhear it - but he knows what goes through his head. 

The same thing runs through his.

It could’ve been him. It could have very well been him, slipping out on a stupid mistake. It _should_ have been him, god knows he was lazy today in his race and he made some mistakes that could have put him here. 

And it could have been Doyoung, sitting there alone on the other side of the room. 

Jaehyun tries not to cry, he really does. 

Eventually trying becomes futile, a snowball effect where everything piles up until he has no choice but to sob, learning forward to hold his face in his hands. His hands smell like petroleum, his suit faintly like sweat and the combination makes him feel nauseous. 

Slowly he sits back up, sniffling away some tears. 

The doctor comes into the waiting room, still clad in the OR attire. They’re a little surprised by the audience that has gathered, but search Kun out. 

“He’s still in surgery,” the doctor explains, “it was touch and go for a while and it’s still critical, but stable. I will update you again in a few hours.” 

A few hours. 

Another few hours are added onto Jaehyun’s personal idea of hell, the inferno that is their upper class private waiting room that feels like a prison.

“I’ll go get something to eat,” Donghyuck says, standing up. 

Mark excuses himself to follow him out, leaving just four of them, Ten’s manager eerily quietly and practically counting himself out. 

Doyoung comes back to his side, grabbing his hands and holding them in his lap. 

“You’re okay,” he reminds him, even when Jaehyun thinks he’s tearing at the seams. 

His suit is unzipped but it’s still uncomfortable, too tight and suffocating as his heart hammers inside his ribcage. 

“Are you?” Jaehyun asks.

Doyoung shakes his head. 

“I’m trying,” he admits. “We can’t be… we have to be strong, for Kun and for Ten.” 

Jaehyun’s been strong his entire life because racing left him no other option. Today is the first time he questions it. 

Donghyuck returns with Mark in tow, his arms full of vending machine junk food. 

“They only had this,” he complains, piling the gummy bears and chocolate bars up on the table. “You’d think that in a place like this…” he says, gesturing around.

Jaehyun couldn’t agree more. 

What’s the point of having an exclusive waiting room and special staff attending to you if at the end of the day, you’re just as fragile as anyone else? Ten’s surgery is just as long as anyone else in the same predicament and the agony while they wait is just as bad. 

After all, no matter how strong he or Ten are, they’re just as breakable. And they break very easily at 300 kilometres an hour. 

Someone comes by to ask them what they want to drink. Jaehyun asks for coffee and Doyoung looks at him with worry.

“Do you have decaf?” He asks the staff and she scribbles it down on her notepad. “If you have any caffeine you’ll be climbing the walls.” 

“ _Fine_ ,” Jaehyun breathes, unhappily chewing on the protein bar Doyoung is making him eat. 

Before the crash he did drive more than half a race, so he has lost nearly two kilos of body weight that he needs to replenish. He’s had about half the contents of the water cooler in the waiting room already. 

The coffee tastes bad, leaving an even worse aftertaste. 

Kun drinks nothing but water, keeping so eerily silent that it’s making Jaehyun feel worse. He knows it’s just an act to keep it together, that the silence is in lieu of any crying, screaming or yelling he wants to do. 

It wouldn’t surprise him, he’s always known Kun as stoic and diplomatic and while normally anything else would be out of place, here there are no rules. 

The doctor comes back a couple of hours later. 

Donghyuck is asleep on Mark’s shoulder, his sugar rush resulting in an inevitable low. He shouldn’t have to wake up, Jaehyun thinks, and Mark puts a hand over his ear as the doctor speaks. 

There’s no news other than that he’s pulling through surgery. The doctor adds that he’s in good shape and that he’s strong and that they’re hoping for the best.

Hoping, that’s all they can do. 

Jaehyun isn’t very good at hoping - no one gets in a car and hopes for the best. It’s always predictable and safe, as safe as it can be. Now that it isn’t predictable, he wishes that cup of coffee had some caffeine so he could blame the rapid beating of his heart on that.

Doyoung’s sitting next to him, equally as tense as he sets his empty coffee down.

“If you want, you could sleep for a bit. The doctor said it will be another few hours at least.”

Jaehyun bites his lip. 

He knows he could sleep if he wanted to, the edge of his anxiety easily taken off once he allows himself to rest. 

“I’ll wake you up when the doctor comes back, I promise,” Doyoung says, gently patting his knee. 

“Promise you’ll stay awake,” Jaehyun says, a little desperate. He doesn’t want Kun to be the only one awake in case there is news.

Doyoung smiles sadly. “I asked for decaf for you, not for me.” 

Jaehyun hums in understanding. Doyoung pulls off the hoodie he’s wearing, putting it over Jaehyun’s shoulders. He’s grateful, a little cold in the sleeveless top under his tracksuit. 

He closes his eyes then, resting his head on Doyoung’s shoulder. 

They both smell like fuel and metal but Jaehyun doesn’t mind it much now. He closes his eyes, exhales deeply. 

He has an onset headache he can feel and a bitter taste in his mouth from the coffee, but it’s the first time since the crash that he feels like he’s breathing again. 

It’s so overwhelming that it knocks him out.

Δ

Jaehyun comes to hours later, wishing that the whole thing, the myriad of nightmares he had, had all been a dream. 

Bitterly he comes to realise it’s not just that and they’re in the same waiting room. He’s asleep on his own shoulder now, Doyoung sitting next to Kun, making soft small talk and holding a cup of tea for him.

“What time is it? Jaehyun asks as he blinks his eyes open, rubbing the sleep out of them. 

“Seven in the morning,” Doyoung says.

It’s been almost twelve hours. Judging by Kun’s face there’s still no news and he can only imagine the agony he’s been in for half a day now. 

He feels guilty for sleeping.

“Where are Mark and Donghyuck?” Jaehyun asks, the corner of the room painstakingly empty.

“I told Donghyuck to take Mark back to their hotel. It’s very close by and Mark wasn’t feeling well,” Doyoung explains. 

Jaehyun doesn’t blame him. 

Mark, with his endless positivity and childlike goodness, he shouldn’t have to go through this. He doesn’t deserve this. None of them deserve this, but Jaehyun hates this world a little bit more because of what it does to shiny happy people like Mark. 

“No news?” Jaehyun asks then. 

Kun shakes his head, and the room goes silent again after that.

Jaehyun has another protein bar and some Gatorade, hoping that it at the very least does something to restore his condition. He doesn’t want to think about future races or anything beyond right here in this hospital, but deep down he knows he can’t just abandon his body or his responsibility to take care of it. 

Doyoung looks equally as tired, probably keeping to his promise of staying up all night. 

It reminds Jaehyun of those weeks last year with Doyoung overworking himself, except this time he looks worse.

Mark and Donghyuck return not much later, both freshened up, looking livelier than the four of them combined. 

“There’s no news?” Mark asks again, just to be sure. 

Jaehyun shakes his head. 

“Our hotel is down the street if you want to take a shower, there’s some clothes for you to borrow as well,” Donghyuck says. “Promise we’ll call you if there’s any update.”

Jaehyun considers the offer, accepting the room key to Donghyuck’s hotel. He looks at Doyoung across the room, who mouths at him to ‘go’, so he does. 

While it does feel good to finally get out of his suit and put on some fresh clothes, his head doesn’t leave the hospital for one second. He goes through the notions, showers and freshens up, putting on clothes that probably belong to Mark, before he goes right back. 

He still doesn’t feel like he’s had a chance to replenish at all but it will have to wait until Ten is out of surgery.

Hours drag by again, and it’s becoming worse, the not knowing and the agonising wait. 

It’s starting to feel hopeless the more time goes by, irrationally so because the doctor’s are still working on him. While he’s in surgery, no news means good news.

When someone finally comes to update them, just a little after eleven in the morning, Jaehyun’s not sure if he should feel relieved or shocked when he sees it’s the whole team of doctors, not just one.

“The surgery was successful, we repaired all of the damage to his spine,” the doctor informs them, but his face doesn’t convince Jaehyun that this is all. “However in the accident, his brain was deprived of oxygen for an extended period of time. We’ll take him off sedatives soon, but we don’t know when he’ll wake up.” 

For the first time since they’re here Jaehyun hears Kun, a short breath of panic escaping his chest.

“What do you mean you don’t know _when_?” He asks, but the doctor's face gives him away.

“We don’t know,” the doctor says shortly. “It’s difficult to tell, it could be days, weeks, months - but sometimes the damage is so severe that we don’t know if he’ll wake up.” 

“If?” Kun asks. “So what, you’re saying he’s not going to wake up?” 

“There’s some brain activity, which means we are hopeful that he will - but I cannot give you an answer.”

Hopeful. 

Jaehyun’s hands ball into fists. 

He doesn’t want hope, god damn it, he wants answers. 

He wants Ten back. 

The doctor takes Kun to see Ten, and the moment he leaves the room Jaehyun bursts out in tears all over again. He feels stupidly helpless as the sobs wreck his body, falling back down into his chair, where Doyoung sits next to him, equally at a loss for words. 

Jaehyun’s sobs turn into quick breaths of panic, and soon he feels lightheaded, not getting enough air with the short breaths he’s taking. 

He attempts to loosen the collar of his shirt, thinking maybe it’s the problem but it doesn’t make him feel any better. Instead Doyoung grabs his nervous hands, taking them into his to calm him down.

“Breathe,” Doyoung orders, and his eyes slip closed as Doyoung speaks. 

He tastes the salty tears on his lips, doing his very best to take a deep breath, stow away the onset of terror he feels rupture in his chest. 

Doyoung doesn’t say anything else and Jaehyun is so thankful. 

He thinks he might explode if he said something mindlessly reassuring, like _it’ll be alright_ , because for once Jaehyun’s not so sure that it will be. 

“Do you want to go in and see him?”

“No,” Jaehyun decides. 

He doesn’t want to, in the most childish reasoning that as long as he cannot see it, it will not be real to him. 

“But I have to,” he also knows, because it is real. 

Ten is not going to text him and ask if he wants to go out for a drink, Ten isn’t going to text him in the near future, maybe never. 

That is what he’ll prove to himself if he goes in there and even if there’s no way he can avoid it, he just wants one more moment of ignorant bliss. 

“Can we just sit for a while?” Jaehyun asks. 

Doyoung agrees, still holding onto Jaehyun’s cold hands. 

“You have that shirt on inside out,” Doyoung says after a quiet moment. 

Jaehyun looks down, sniffling. Doyoung is correct, and he can’t help the snotty breathless chuckle he lets out.

“Guess I need Donghyuck back, I really can’t get dressed without him,” Jaehyun admits with a sad smile, working the sweater over his head, putting it back on with the labels on the inside. 

Doyoung brushes something off his shoulder and he sinks back into his seat with a deep sigh. 

Kun comes back not much later, his face equally as pale as when he’d left. 

Jaehyun wants to say something to him but all words come short. Instead he gets to his feet, goes up to him and pulls him in for a hug. 

Kun’s a little startled, but falls into the embrace moments later. 

Any other day they wouldn’t be on hugging terms, but Jaehyun can’t dwell on that right now. The way he looks perfectly captures everything Jaehyun feels and at least this way they can share that burden. 

“He looks fine,” Kun says when they sit down. “There’s a lot of tubes attached but he’s…” Kun starts but can’t finish his sentence, a sharp breath overwhelming him.

“He just looks like he’s sleeping,” he says finally, a painful constraint to his voice. 

He could probably break down in the middle of this waiting room, erupt into a waterfall of sobs much like Jaehyun had done when he left earlier. There wouldn’t be anyone to pick him back up and maybe that’s how he’s keeping it together. 

“Can I see him?” Jaehyun asks. He still doesn’t want to but there’s no use in putting it off any longer.

“Yeah, of course,” Kun says. “I’m going to go outside and make some calls, the reception is really bad inside.”

“We’ll wait here,” Doyoung offers. 

Jaehyun doesn’t think he could leave if he wanted to. 

A nurse walks them through the corridor and into a patient room. Jaehyun prepares himself mentally for the sight he’s about to see, a Ten that is just sleeping - just sleeping with a whole array of tubes attached to him. 

He stops outside of the door, nervously eyeing Doyoung. Doyoung grabs his hand, laces their fingers together and pushes the door open. He heads in first, Jaehyun trailing after with their hands held tightly. 

Jaehyun had tried to mentally prepare himself for the sight in front of him but it had been futile. There’s nothing he could have done to prepare himself for what he sees, his best friend so bare, pale and lifeless. 

It’s almost like he’s looking at a doll, a mock-up of the person that had once been Ten. 

He’s not on a ventilator, his chest rising and falling on its own. It’s the only sign of life to him, his eyes closed and so very still that Jaehyun still can’t believe this is Ten. He’s so pale, so stiff - Jaehyun doesn’t think there’s a resemblance of him still _in_ there. 

He lets go of Doyoung’s hand, taking a few steps closer to the bed. The sight doesn’t get any easier when he comes closer, only more horrifyingly real. 

One of Ten’s hands is a little contused from the crash. The dark-blue skin is a stark contrast to the white and it’s a little comforting to see that there are still traces of him there, even if it’s the very same injury that put him here.

Jaehyun finally exhales after a long moment, pressing his tongue to the roof of his mouth to ensure he doesn’t start the waterworks again. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, falling down in the chair next to his bed. 

He stares at him aghast, a mountain of sorrow stacking itself in his heart. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, even emptier this time. 

He has nothing to be sorry for and yet he’s sitting there with an overwhelming sense of guilt. 

Ten’s hand rests on the side of his bed, his palm up and fingers open. It’s where Kun has held it, sitting in this very same chair just moments before him.

Jaehyun thinks he’s going to be sick. 

He jumps to his feet, brushing past Doyoung on his way out the door, finding the nearest bin in the hallway and dry-heaving into it. 

Doyoung comes up behind him, gently patting his back until he feels good enough to stand back up. He pulls him in for a hug, letting Jaehyun breathe his tears into Doyoung’s shoulder.

They stay like that for a while, Doyoung’s hand tracing soothing patterns on his back. Jaehyun’s mind is completely blank, the image of Ten in a hospital bed not something he can place there. 

When they return to the waiting room, Mark and Donghyuck are sitting quietly, shooting up the moment Jaehyun comes back. 

“Did you see him?” Mark asks eagerly, looking at Jaehyun with pleading eyes. 

Jaehyun understands his pain and frustration but he can’t help but feel worried, afraid that Mark’s going to meet the same devastating sight that Jaehyun just saw.

“You can go in, but please…” he says, trailing off. “Just prepare yourself, alright?” 

Mark swallows thickly, reaching for Donghyuck’s hand. 

∆

They head back to the hotel later that afternoon after Kun convinces him that there’s nothing they can do here and that he will be fine without them. 

Jaehyun makes him promise that he won’t leave Ten’s side, because the only thing worse than Ten lying there in that bed, is Ten being alone. With that promise in mind he’s fine leaving the hospital, getting a taxi back to the hotel. 

Doyoung goes straight to bed, having stayed up for more than twenty-four hours and deserving of sleep. Jaehyun doesn’t blame him for falling asleep so easily, curling up in bed next to him. He sets an alarm on his phone, making sure they don’t sleep more than three hours - if he can sleep at all.

No matter how tired he is, each time he lets his eyelids droop shut he thinks back to Ten, and any attempt at sleep is far away. 

After half an hour of trying and failing to sleep, he sees his phone light up with a text message from his manager, asking where he is. He checks the messages, types an answer and agrees to meet Taeil down in the lobby in fifteen minutes. 

He doesn’t feel too good, is still wearing the sweater Mark had lent him but thinks that Taeil won’t care much. He doesn’t seem phased when Jaehyun shows up a couple minutes later, sitting down across from him.

“How are you holding up?” Taeil asks first. It’s a stupid question. Jaehyun glares at him as if to prove a point. “Have you gotten any sleep?” 

“A little,” Jaehyun says. “Doyoung didn’t - he’s sleeping right now.” 

“Did you eat anything?” 

“I’ll eat tonight,” Jaehyun promises, even if the thought of food brings back the nausea. 

“Take care of yourself,” Taeil says sternly. 

Jaehyun’s still a little afraid of him, like he has to uphold certain composure towards his manager. 

“I’m trying,” he admits. “What happened yesterday, after we left?” 

“The race was cancelled. There was no ceremony, but you got third place,” Taeil explains. Jaehyun rolls his eyes, like he could care any less about his position in the race. “They haven’t made an official statement, but it looks like Monaco is on - there’s no reason to cancel.” 

It feels far away, those two weeks until the next race - but he knows it’s never far away, time always going by faster than he would like. 

“What about Ten’s team?” 

“They’re getting a rookie driver,” he explains. “Renjun’s his name, he’s in F2 right now-”

“Yeah, I know who he is,” Jaehyun bites out.

“Look, I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but…” Taeil sighs, looking down at his hand. “This show goes on, there’s no way to stop it.” 

Jaehyun _knows_ this. 

He knows they don’t care about casualties or injuries. They go through great lengths to avoid them, because to some extent they care about safety - but only because of the ruckus it causes when they occur. 

Ten’s accident is a prime example of something that should not have happened, that they will regret forever, but that they will get over because that’s the only thing they can do.

He wishes it were different, but there’s no point in hating on the game when he’s agreed to play it. 

“What happens to…” Jaehyun says, but it hurts to think of the name, let alone speak it.

“I haven’t talked to his team but,” Taeil clears his throat, “generally he’ll be rehabilitating in a clinic near his home.” 

“Have you seen this before?” Jaehyun asks, curiosity getting the better of him. 

He’s not sure if knowing will make him feel worse.

“Accidents happen, Jaehyun,” Taeil says. 

Jaehyun knows that. 

He’s had his own accidents, he’s had a full blown crash that landed him in the hospital with a cast on his arm, retiring him for the season. Accidents are bound to happen when you do what they do, but they shouldn’t leave you comatose in the hospital. 

“What if it was me?” Jaehyun asks. 

He doesn’t want to think it, or talk about it, but it’s not something he can avoid. It’s what every driver thinks when something like this happens, a hard reminder of how fragile they are. 

He can’t say it out loud to Doyoung, because it will break him, but he can’t keep it to himself either.

“Then Ten would be sitting here having the same conversation with his manager,” Taeil says resolutely. 

That’s all there is to it, business. 

If not Ten, then Jaehyun, or someone else - they’re fragile but also replaceable. It took Ten’s team less than a day to get a sit in for him. 

If Jaehyun couldn’t drive next week he’d be replaced in a heartbeat.

“Look, Jaehyun, I like you, and if it _was_ you I would be sitting there in the hospital working my ass off to make sure you get the best shot at recovery but it doesn’t change how this works.” 

It doesn’t. 

Taeil would work to put him back in that car and have him drive over the finish line again and that’s all there is to it.

“Thanks for being honest,” Jaehyun says.

Taeil smiles sadly.

“I don’t have to lie to you,” Taeil explains. Maybe that’s why the words don’t hurt so much, because he knows they’re just the truth, and that’s all Taeil wants to say, no ill intention behind it. 

“Maybe next time sugarcoat it a little,” Jaehyun suggests. 

“I’ll try,” Taeil promises. “I’ve cleared your schedule for the coming few days, then we’re heading to Monaco.”

“I _hate_ Monaco,” Jaehyun complains. It feels obligatory to say it every time they go there. “But thank you.”

“I don’t care what you do, but _please_ take care of yourself. Don’t forget to eat, don’t forget to get some exercise in. Try to sleep properly.” 

“I’ll try,” Jaehyun says, but he already knows sleeping isn’t going to be easy, let alone sleeping some solid hours to get well rested for his next race. 

“That’s all I can ask,” Taeil says. 

∆

He comes back to their hotel room to find Doyoung half awake, smiling sleepily from where he’s stretched out on the bed. 

“Where’ve you been?” he slurs, yawning. 

“Taeil wanted to talk to me,” Jaehyun explains, making his way back to bed. “Just wanted to know how I’m doing. I asked him for some time off.” 

“And?” Doyoung asks, a little hopeful maybe. 

“Monaco is still on for next week, I have to be there by Thursday morning, but I’m free until then,” Jaehyun says. 

Doyoung visibly relaxes, closing his eyes as he breathes deeply. 

“Thank god,” Doyoung murmurs. He’s still not fully awake, and Jaehyun can hear it in the softness of his voice. “How long was I out?” 

“Couple hours,” Jaehyun says, but it can’t have been more than three. It’s later in the afternoon, and Doyoung has still barely rested. “I’m going back to the hospital, picking up some food on the way there for Kun.” 

“I’ll come with you,” Doyoung says, sitting upright.

“You don’t have to, you need to get some more sleep,” Doyoung does not look convinced, pulling off the covers and getting out of bed. 

“I don’t want you going alone,” Doyoung insists, already searching for the clothes he pulled off earlier. 

“I won’t be alone, Kun will be there,” Jaehyun insists. 

Doyoung isn’t convinced, eyes still puffy with sleep as he looks up at Jaehyun. 

“Promise you’ll call me if you need anything?” Doyoung says, putting his hands on Jaehyun’s shoulders to capture his full attention. 

He tries to put on a stern look, but fails in his sleepy state. 

“I’ll call,” Jaehyun promises, hoping he won’t have to. 

Doyoung goes back to bed while Jaehyun gets ready to leave. On his way out the door, Doyoung calls him back and he looks over his shoulder to catch him.

“Yeah?” He asks. 

“I love you,” Doyoung says.

Jaehyun feels a wave of guilt crush him, so much that he has to take a deep breath and collect himself before answering.

“I love you too,” he answers, before he closes the door behind him. 

Like fools who think they have forever, they don’t say ‘I love you’ enough. They’re not the kinds to wear it out and squeeze it in every single time they say goodbye. 

Usually it’s reserved for private moments between the sheets where it’s more heartfelt than ever, where every word is so loaded that Jaehyun feels he might implode if he doesn’t say it. 

This is different, casual and convenient and perhaps said out of desperation, rather than love. 

It sits uneasy in Jaehyun’s chest, hammering all the way downstairs. 

By the reception he asks them to send up dinner to their room in two hours, because he knows Doyoung will forget to eat otherwise. 

On his way to the hospital he picks up some take-out for himself. 

Mark and Donghyuck are there too, something Jaehyun had anticipated when he placed his order. They’re grateful for the food, taking a container each as they sit on opposite ends of the waiting room, munching on their dinner.

“Ten would have hated this,” Donghyuck points out. “He hates eating without proper cutlery or a table. He’d be so mad if he saw us right now.” 

“He’d say we're not _having a meal_ , just _eating_ ,” Mark mocks in a voice that does resemble Ten a little bit. 

Kun laughs, tight laced and nervous but it’s the first smile Jaehyun’s seen on his face in days.

After dinner Mark and Donghyuck return to their own hotel, Kun promising that he’ll be fine and doesn’t need them there during the night. Jaehyun stays a little longer, following Kun back to Ten’s room. 

There’s a second bed set up, where Kun will stay the night and Jaehyun’s so relieved to know that at least Ten won’t be alone. 

“Did the doctors say anything else?” Jaehyun asks as they stand by the foot of his bed. 

“No,” Kun says, “that he’s critical but stable - I don’t know what to make of that anymore.” 

“That’s such a Ten thing to be,” Jaehyun says, and Kun can’t help the laugh that escapes him. 

“It really is,” he agrees. 

They sit down on either side of Ten’s bed. The lights aren’t as bright anymore, a little dimmer for the evening and Ten looks less pale and terrifying, more peaceful and sleeping. 

Jaehyun still hates the stillness to him, still anticipating that any moment now he’s going to say something to tease him, or laugh loudly, a laugh so distinctly his that it sometimes makes Jaehyun’s toes curl with how much he misses it.

“It’s so weird when he’s quiet,” Jaehyun admits nervously.

“He gets quiet sometimes,” Kun objects, “mostly when he’s asleep, or when he’s drunk - sometimes when he drives.”

When he drives. 

The words send a shiver down Jaehyun’s spine. 

“Are you staying here?” Jaehyun asks. 

“The doctors do want him for observation for another few days, but I’d want him in a hospital closer to home.”

There’s something so unsettling about the way Kun speaks of it, like he’s planned it out in his head, like he knows it’s long term. 

“I understand,” Jaehyun says. “I’ll stay for now but, Monaco is next weekend and I-”

“Jaehyun,” Kun interrupts him, “Ten would be so mad if he heard you finish that sentence. There’s no way you’re missing a race for him, or for anyone.” 

Jaehyun fidgets with his sleeves. He knows Kun is right - it doesn’t mean he wants him to be. 

“What about you?”

“Someone will replace me for now,” Kun explains. 

He says it with such ease, Jaehyun’s a little startled by it. He hates reminding himself how replaceable he is, Taeil’s words still heavy in his mind. 

For now. 

It’s an indefinite time frame but it’s long enough to warrant a plan. They don’t even know if there is a timeframe, _if_ he’ll wake up. 

“If you need _anything_ , you can always call me or Doyoung. Anything at all, okay?” Jaehyun says.

“Thank you,” Kun says, “you should head back. You must be tired.” 

Jaehyun can’t disagree, and they say their goodbyes before he makes his way out of the hospital. It rains outside, his hair drenched by the time he gets a taxi. When he arrives at the hotel, the weather hasn’t let up and he’s once again soaked when he comes into their hotel room. 

Doyoung is awake, hugging a pillow to his chest as he watches television in bed. He’s in a bathrobe and his hair is damp.

“Hey,” Jaehyun says, taking off his jacket and his pants. 

“Hey,” Doyoung murmurs, “thank you for dinner.” 

“Was it any good?” 

“I was starving, so anything was good,” Doyoung says, smiling fondly at Jaehyun when he returns from the bathroom after brushing his teeth. “How’s Kun?”

“He’s…” well he’s still there, that alone deserves a compliment, “he’s coping.” 

“Is he staying there tonight?” Doyoung asks.

“They set up an extra bed in Ten’s room, so he can sleep there,” Jaehyun explains.

He feels a little guilty when he gets in bed and Doyoung is immediately at his side, wrapping him up in a warm and comforting embrace. He always takes it for granted, can’t remember the last night he had to sleep without him. 

Only the nights where Doyoung is absent does he really treasure it. 

Carefully he leans up to press their lips together, savouring the soft feeling and taste of their toothpaste. 

“I love you,” Jaehyun says when they pull apart. 

It’s different from earlier, a different urgency to it, yet still equally as emotionally loaded.

“I love you too, baby,” Doyoung says. 

∆

The next day he returns to the circuit to pick up his personal belongings he left there on Sunday. The pit lane is as good as gone, trucks standing packed and ready to leave for their next destination. 

He doesn’t come there with a bad feeling, even if it’s technically where everything went wrong. 

It’s just a circuit, just some asphalt and some barriers. 

It’s a place where Jaehyun has felt so many emotions, anything ranging from fear to pain to happiness to euphoria, feelings so great and life-changing that he never could have felt if it hadn’t been for this world. 

One devastating painful memory is not enough to scare him.

Yuta is onsite, overseeing that the last of Jaehyun’s car and equipment is packed up swiftly. 

“Hi,” Yuta says a little stiffly. 

Jaehyun hadn’t seen him since those panicked moments in the pit a few days ago.

“Hi,” Jaehyun says, staring at his friend. 

“Should I even ask how you’re doing or is that too much?” Yuta asks. 

“You know how I’m doing,” Jaehyun says. “Monaco is next week.”

“Don’t think about that,” Yuta says, shaking his head to himself. “We’ve got it all under control, you don’t have to worry about Monaco.” 

“Yeah, will you drive it for me?” Jaehyun humours him. 

“I don’t have a license,” Yuta informs him, not an ounce of humour to his voice. Jaehyun thinks he would if he could, there’s nothing Yuta wouldn’t do for him - he’s not in a position to say no anyways. “But I’ll handle everything else.” 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun says. 

Yuta is probably just as shaken up as he is, the whole circuit and everyone around it damaged by Ten’s accident. Jaehyun knows it’s worse for some, the ones that had to pull him out of his car and put him in an ambulance, those who had to weld the circuit back together after he broke the barrier - those who have to see the damage first. 

Jaehyun doesn’t envy their jobs but he knows they’ve seen enough to feel the same about his.

“Of course,” Yuta says, stepping up closer to him. “Are you heading home?” 

Home. 

Initially Jaehyun had planned to fly home between races, sleep off his messed up sleeping schedule and his back pains with a few days of peace and quiet. All those minor inconveniences seemed like nothing now and he can’t explain to Yuta what his plans are, what he’s going to do when he heads home. 

“Don’t know yet,” he says, shrugging. “I’ll be in Monaco on Thursday.” 

“Thursday? That’s late,” Yuta points out. 

Jaehyun knows he’s asking for a lot from his team and his manager but he needs the time off. 

“Taeil said it was okay,” he argues. 

“Of course it’s okay,” Yuta says, “I’ve got you covered.”

Jaehyun doesn’t doubt that. He trusts Yuta fully to set him up with a functioning car and a plan to win a race, it’s the least of his worries now that he has a good team. It reminds him of what Ten said, that at some point the only unpredictable variable left is you. 

“Are you okay?” Yuta still asks, even if he said he wouldn’t. 

Jaehyun’s sudden stare must’ve thrown him off, eyeing the piece of carbon fibre that is his car. 

“Yeah just…” _scared_. 

“I know it’s scary,” Yuta says. How he knows, Jaehyun isn’t sure - but Yuta wouldn’t lie to him. “But you also know that once you get in and you hear the countdown, then it’s all out of your head.” 

It is. 

Jaehyun’s mind is quite literally blank, void of any thoughts but to _drive_ when he’s starting a race. Everything that happens the next two hours is a condensed span of competition and hectic inhibition to help him out. 

“I know,” Jaehyun says. 

He also knows Ten will wish him good luck before a drive, or simply give him a high five in the pitlane when they meet. That, too, is part of his race.

Was part of his race.

Yuta hugs him then. 

It’s a little stiff and forced, yet Jaehyun appreciates the gestures and hugs him back. 

“You’re going to be fine,” Yuta says, his hand lingering on Jaehyun’s shoulder a little too long.

Jaehyun will be fine. 

Maybe not fine - but he’ll be in good enough shape to race and that’s all that matters to the people here. 

Jaehyun won’t be fine with his best friend close to lifeless in a hospital bed, they know that - but they also know he has no choice. 

“How’s Doyoung holding up?” Yuta asks.

Jaehyun shrugs. When he woke up in the morning, his fiancé was still blissfully asleep. The past days had been so hard on him, he didn’t want to wake him. Instead he put a note on his nightstand and left the hotel room quietly.

“He’s fine, catching up on sleep,” Jaehyun explains.

Sicheng comes up behind Yuta, a little out of breath as he hands over a clipboard.

“Good to see you,” Sicheng says, smiling at Jaehyun. “How are you?” 

Yuta and Jaehyun share a glance before he turns to Sicheng. 

“I’m okay,” Jaehyun says. “How are you?” 

“Busy,” Sicheng says. “Yuta should be too.” 

“I’m your boss, Sicheng,” Yuta reminds him, but Sicheng rolls his eyes, shaking his head to himself. 

“Do you wanna get a coffee together?” Sicheng asks.

“I should get back to the hotel, but raincheck for next week?” Jaehyun asks, and Sicheng agrees. 

“Of course,” Sicheng says. “Take care of yourself,” he adds and Jaehyun really hopes he can. 

∆

Doyoung is awake when he returns, clad in a white robe while he sits in bed sipping his morning coffee.

“I missed you this morning,” Doyoung says when Jaehyun returns.

“I had some stuff to pick up at the circuit, didn’t wanna wake you, you need the sleep,” Jaehyun explains.

“You need sleep too,” Doyoung says and Jaehyun can’t argue with that. 

He needs the rest yet he’s lucky to get six hours on a good night. Most of the time it’s not even that, and he lies awake watching Doyoung sleep until the early hours of the morning.

“I’ll take a nap later,” Jaehyun says. 

“I don’t like it when you’re not here when I wake up,” Doyoung says. 

There’s a seriousness to his voice that sends an alert shiver through Jaehyun’s spine. 

“I left a note,” he argues. 

“Yeah, but can you just wake me up next time? I want to say goodbye if you go,” Doyoung asks. 

Jaehyun would tell him no, that this is ridiculous - there’s no need to say goodbye when he will come back a few hours later, maybe even before Doyoung wakes up. 

Still, he can’t hold it against him. He can only feel guilty for it. 

“Sure,” he says. “I’m going to the hospital this afternoon, do you want to come with me?”

“Yeah, of course,” Doyoung says. “I need a shower first, I slept like…”

“Twelve hours,” Jaehyun fills in for him.

“Yeah,” Doyoung admits, yawning. “Feel like I could use twelve more.” 

Jaehyun sighs, setting himself down on the rumpled sheets, stretching out his limbs. They’re heavy, a hollow kind of weight from last night’s lack of sleep. They don’t feel any lighter after coming back from the circuit. 

He looks up at Doyoung, feeling a little heavier as he sinks into the mattress. He’s still so tired and yet so wound up that sleep feels far away, except maybe a little closer now.

“Can you wake me up when you want to leave?” Jaehyun asks. 

“Of course baby,” Doyoung promises, carding his hand through Jaehyun’s hair, caressing the side of his face. “You should sleep.”

“Mhhh,” Jaehyun agrees, nuzzling his face against Doyoung’s hand. 

He knows he should sleep, but when Doyoung gets up and heads into the bathroom, Jaehyun feels wide awake again. Even if he can hear Doyoung in the shower, even if he _knows_ he’s right there, he’s still restless, a nagging little what-if in the back of his mind and he doesn’t let him sleep at all. 

Lying there on his back makes him feel worse, so he gets out his phone, scrolling lazily until he remembers to call Mark, checking if he’ll be at the hospital this afternoon. Mark sounds upset, but he says he’ll be there, and Jaehyun hopes he’ll remember to ask Mark about it later.

They meet Mark at the hospital, Donghyuck's absence very much obvious. Jaehyun doesn’t ask but he can see Doyoung’s worried look at Mark’s puffy eyes. 

They see Kun outside of Ten’s room, talking quietly on the phone. He excuses himself when he sees the three of them, quickly hanging up. 

“Hey,” he says, offering a forced smile. Jaehyun wishes he wouldn’t, but they’re not close enough to be open about that. 

“If you need a break, we’ll be here for a couple hours,” Doyoung says.

Jaehyun glares at Doyoung in confusion. How dare he casually suggest Kun needs a break? Of course he needs a break, yet he also needs Ten to wake up and if he can’t have that then everything else comes secondary. 

Except Kun doesn’t look offended at all, he looks relieved. 

“Really?” He asks.

“Of course, go out for some fresh air, you need it,” Doyoung urges him. 

Kun thanks them on his way out, but leaves quickly. 

It leaves the three of them in Ten’s room, sitting by his bed. Mark is the first to speak up.

“I have to go tomorrow,” Mark says. “I have to go to Monaco and start setting up. We need a new car, and we have to get Renjun set up.” 

Of course, just like Yuta and Sicheng there was no break for Mark. Jaehyun should have expected it, and still he feels a hot flash of anger. 

“If you can’t do it then they can find someone else,” Jaehyun says. 

“I can do it - they need me,” Mark ensures confidently. “But Donghyuck can’t, he won’t even get out of bed.” 

Jaehyun thinks back to how upset Mark had sounded, and the fact that he’s alone here. “Did you fight?” 

Mark nods. 

”I wanted him to come with me today, because I want to see Ten before I have to go, but he said he wouldn’t go.” 

“Mark,” Jaehyun says, getting up to take the seat next to him instead. 

“He said he’s not going tomorrow and I can’t leave him here but I can’t stay back - and I _can’t_ do this without him,” Mark says, his voice laced tight with panic. 

“You don’t have to,” Jaehyun assures. 

He knows Donghyuck can be difficult and he’s never pried to hear the reasons, trusting that as long as he’s happy and comfortable in his job, he’ll be fine. Mark must have been on the receiving end of Donghyuck’s troubles many times but Mark is much stronger than he lets in on and can take whatever Donghyuck throws at him.

Except now, when Mark isn’t quite as strong as he normally is. 

“I just…” Mark starts, sighing helplessly as he stares at Ten. “I need to talk to Ten, he would know what to do - he would know what to say to Donghyuck.” 

Jaehyun wants to say it’s not true, wishing so badly he could comfort Mark with that - but he can’t. 

“Ten’s helped him through so much that I can’t help him with,” Mark pleads. “I don’t know if I can do this without him.” 

Jaehyun really wishes it were different. 

Wishes that it wasn’t Ten in that bed, but anyone else. Wishes that he could help Mark and tell him what to do, but he’s not good with words. 

“You can,” Doyoung says from across the room. “It might seem like you can’t, right now, but you’ll see that you can. You love him too much to ruin everything over him.” 

Both Mark and Jaehyun look up at him, mouth agape as they stare.

“You know he always teases you about it,” Doyoung says. 

It’s a strangely fond memory to him, Ten bullying him for his inability to man up and put that ring on Doyoung’s finger and before that - the endless teasing about anything Doyoung related. Ten is even to blame for the first time they decided to give it a shot.“He does that because you’re strong enough to take it and that’s on you - it has nothing to do with him.” 

Jaehyun thinks he can see the cogwheels click into place in Mark’s head, because he feels exactly the same. 

“You’re right,” Mark says.

“I know,” Doyoung teases. Jaehyun holds himself back from leaping across the room and kissing him. “Ten hates me for it.” 

They all laugh, the first real laugh Jaehyun has felt in ages. 

It’s light, heartwarming and fills his chest with familiar warmth, something he hasn’t felt in days. 

“I should go talk to Donghyuck,” Mark says. “We’re flying out tonight.” 

“He won’t let you leave without him,” Jaehyun says. 

He knows Mark well, but he also knows Donghyuck - and he knows they can’t go without each other. 

Mark excuses himself and bids goodbye to them, having somewhere more important to be. Jaehyun sits with Doyoung instead, leaning his head on his shoulder.

“Thank you,” he says, grabbing his hand in his lap. “I couldn’t do this without you.”

“What did I just say?” Doyoung teases. 

“Yeah, but you’re wrong,” Jaehyun says. “I wouldn’t have a shoulder to sleep on.” 

Jaehyun yawns, settling more comfortably against Doyoung’s side. He thinks it’s about time he cashes in the nap he promised himself earlier today, and here against Doyoung’s shoulder seems as good a place as any. 

“That’s okay, you can sleep,” Doyoung says. “I’ll talk to Ten, maybe he’ll finally let me finish my sentences.” 

Jaehyun smiles sleepily, nudging his head up against Doyoung’s shoulder, before he’s fast asleep. 

When Jaehyun comes to, he hears Doyoung talking and for a moment he fools himself into thinking it’s Ten and Doyoung bickering, business as usual when they’re together. 

Of course he's wrong. Kun is sitting on the side of Ten’s bed, talking to Doyoung comfortably. 

“Hey,” Jaehyun murmurs, stretching his arms above his head.

“Hi,” Kun says. He looks a little better now that he’s showered, less dreadful and more composed. “I talked to the doctors today and he’s going to stay here another few weeks for observation. I’ll stay in a hotel nearby, and part of the team will stay here to monitor him.” 

Jaehyun had almost forgotten that somewhere there was a team still hopeful that Ten would recover. 

Like he would ever get back in a car after this. 

“That’s good,” Jaehyun says. “How do you feel?”

Kun shrugs. “Hopeful.” 

That’s enough. 

“Look, Jaehyun,” Kun starts, clasping his hands in his lap. “You don’t have to stay, I appreciate your help and I understand that you want to be here, but you need to get back out here next week, and Ten wouldn’t want you to do it unprepared.”

It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but he knows Kun is right. 

There’s not much he can do here, sitting by Ten’s bed silently waiting. Even if he has days off to spare, he needs to be prepared mentally to get back in the game next week, and he’s not getting anywhere wallowing in the mixture of guilt and pain he feels as he sits by Ten’s bedside. 

It wouldn’t be safe for him to go out there with the memory of Ten in a hospital bed so fresh on his mind. 

It means he has to go on, that he has to move on, and that he has to put this image of Ten to rest somewhere in his head. It means it’s permanent now, this is what he has left of his best friend, _this_ is what he gets to think of.

“Okay,” Jaehyun agrees, still a little reluctant. He searches out Doyoung’s eyes, and finds the same worried look in them. “Can we talk, outside?” 

Doyoung follows him outside, and once they’re safely tucked away in a deserted corner of the hospital hallway, Jaehyun sneaks into Doyoung’s arms. He tries to calm himself in the embrace, inhaling Doyoung’s familiar scent of their shower gel. Doyoung holds him for a while, no questions asked.

When Jaehyun pulls away, he blinks away the hint of tears in his eyes and grabs Doyoung’s shoulders.

“I want to go home,” he says, “just a few days, I want to be alone with you.” 

“Of course, baby,” Doyoung says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’ll talk to Taeil and get the flight arranged.”

“Thank you,” Jaehyun breathes. “See if we can leave tonight, I just want to say goodbye to Ten and then we can go.” 

“I’ll see what I can do, alright?” Doyoung says. 

His hand is gently playing with Jaehyun’s hair, a gentle soothing motion. 

“Alright,” Jaehyun says, taking a deep breath. He tries to pull himself together, knowing he can’t leave without going back in there and saying goodbye to Ten. 

He also knows he’ll leave a little part of himself behind when he does. 

Finally he tears himself away from Doyoung, leaving the warm comforting touches to go back into Ten’s room. 

Kun is sitting at his bedside, looking at his phone. He’s holding Ten’s hand with his other hand. 

“Can I talk to him alone?” Jaehyun asks. 

“Of course,” Kun agrees, getting to his feet. “I’ll be right outside.” 

Kun leaves him alone with Ten, and he carefully approaches his bed, sitting down on the side of it. He gently puts a hand on Ten’s arm, giving it a soft squeeze.

“I’m sorry,” he starts. “I know you hate speeches, but since you’re not saying anything back, I’m afraid this will be a monologue.” 

“I don’t know if you can hear me, the doctors said you probably can’t. I still want to tell you that I’m… _scared_. When you said you were quitting, I was scared I would have to do this without you, and I don’t think that I can,” Jaehyun says, smiling sadly, “you would hate me for saying that, because _you_ know that I can do it. I just need you to tell me sometimes.” 

Jaehyun breathes heavily, moving down to rest his hand on Ten’s wrist again.

“I kind of need you to tell me right now,” Jaehyun says. “I kind of need you to kick my ass and get me out of my head, but….” Jaehyun purses his lips.

“I’ll do it myself.” 

This is it, life has to go on. It’s cruel and it’s unfair but Jaehyun can’t live any other way. 

“I’ll try,” he corrects, still not sure if he can, “and you’d tell me to try harder when I fail. And I will, I just…” 

_I just need you to say it to me_ , Jaehyun thinks, blinking away the tears in his eyes. 

He won’t have to do it himself, has a whole team backing him up and Doyoung by his side. He knows he’s not alone, yet without Ten there’s an ache in his chest that he doesn’t know how to soothe. He needs his best friend, the one person who understands what it takes to put himself in that car, to push his body until he thinks he’ll cave and then some more. 

He needs Ten - but now he needs to do it alone. 

“I’m not done with you,” Jaehyun says, a sad smile letting him taste the salty tears, “so you better come back.” 

He says it because he means it. This can’t be it, their friendship doesn’t end here. He has so much more to tell Ten, and Ten has much more he needs to teach him. This can’t be how their friendship ends, Jaehyun refuses to let that happen. 

“I’m going now,” he says, like Ten can actually hear him, “but I’ll be back, so you’re going to have to hang on.” 

Ten says nothing but Jaehyun can imagine what his response would be, something like _don’t tell me what to do_ and that he would smile while saying it, one of those blinding grins that never fails to make Jaehyun smile too. 

“Okay, I’ll see you soon,” Jaehyun says. It’s not goodbye - it’s not that definite. 

It hurts the same when Jaehyun walks away. 

∆

They get on the first flight back to London that night. The flight feels much longer than a couple hours, Jaehyun trying and failing to catch up on sleep during it. When they eventually touch down in London, the taxi ride home feels like another eternity and it’s late after midnight when they finally return to their home.

It’s dark and still, just like they left it to go to Barcelona. It was less than a week ago but to Jaehyun it feels like a different lifetime. Being back here and not texting Ten that he’s finally home feels stolen from an alternative universe, too. 

It’s the one he has to live in.

It’s raining hard, the sound a welcoming distraction once Jaehyun gets to their bedroom. The bedsheets are open, standing still since they left it. Again that feels like weeks ago, maybe because now it feels different.

As Jaehyun takes in their house, he can’t help his thoughts that wander, bringing him to gruesome scenarios in which Doyoung has to come home to their house without him. 

He thinks about Kun, returning to the apartment he shares with his fiancé, his fiancé who is comatose in the hospital. 

His fiancé who might never wake up. 

Doyoung comes into the bedroom not much later, dumping his suitcase by the bed. Jaehyun looks at him sadly. 

“Do you want some tea?” Doyoung asks. Jaehyun shakes his head. 

All he wants is sleep, in hopes he’ll feel better tomorrow. 

When Jaehyun’s in bed not much later, Doyoung’s still downstairs, probably making that cup of tea that he talked about. Jaehyun can’t see him from the bedroom, only glimpses of light in the reflections of the window. 

He waits patiently, thinking Doyoung should come up any minute now. He doesn’t want to close his eyes without having Doyoung here. It’s childish and irrational but Jaehyun’s too exhausted to argue with himself. 

Instead he gets to his feet, padding down into the kitchen. Doyoung is sitting by their dining table, stirring through a cup of tea, looking at his phone. 

There are tears in his eyes yet when he sees Jaehyun, he tries to blink them away.

“I thought you wanted to sleep,” Doyoung says.

“Not without you,” Jaehyun says, approaching him carefully. There’s hurt to Doyoung’s voice but it’s been there more or less constantly the last few days and Jaehyun’s not going to push it. “Come to bed with me?” 

“I just wanted to message Kun that we’re home and that we’re safe but…” 

“But you feel guilty,” Jaehyun fills in for him. Doyoung’s eyes tell him enough. “Yeah, I feel that too.” 

Doyoung sniffs quietly, still trying to fool Jaehyun into thinking he’s not crying. 

“I don’t know what to say,” Doyoung says. 

“Just tell him we’re home. He’s probably asleep anyways, it’s later there,” Jaehyun suggests.

“Do you really think he sleeps, at all?” Doyoung asks. 

Jaehyun bites his lip. 

“No,” he admits, “but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.” 

“Fine,” Doyoung whines, hitting send on the message he had typed out. 

Even with Doyoung in bed next to him, Jaehyun feels something so dreadful when his eyelids start getting heavier. He felt it when he was unpacking his bag too, like every item he packed up and stored away made it a little more real. With each piece of clothing he dumped in the laundry basket, he felt another irreversible piece click in place. 

Ten is gone. 

When they wake up in the morning, they’ll have taken it back home, solidifying the memory of the accident in his home. It’ll be permanent and entirely unavoidable. 

“Are you okay?” Doyoung asks. 

He sounds equally as alert as Jaehyun does, clearly both far from sleeping.

“Not really,” Jaehyun says, sighing. 

He shifts so he’s no longer resting on top of Doyoung, instead leaning into his side, head on his chest. He prefers sleeping where he can hear his heartbeat, safe and sound until it puts him to sleep. 

“Try to get some sleep,” Doyoung agrees. 

“You too,” Jaehyun asks, hoping he’ll do the same. 

∆

The next day they sleep in. 

Jaehyun feels like he hasn’t ever slept in with Doyoung in months, surprised when he sees it’s just after one p.m. when he wakes up. 

Jaehyun checks his phone after that, some messages from Sicheng and Yuta bickering in their group chat, but heavenly void of anything else he needs to tend to. Instead he wakes Doyoung up by trailing kisses over his face until one wakes him up.

There’s nothing left of the morning, so they order in for lunch and eat it out on the terrace, a rare sunny day in London where the weather allows it. They don’t make use of it quite often enough but now that they’ve got a few days off to stay at home, Jaehyun thinks they should.

Except every time he tries to plan anything in his head, he thinks of Ten and the guilt consumes him. It’s not fair that he’s sitting here enjoying lunch with his fiancé on a rooftop terrace in London while his best friend is unconscious in a hospital bed. 

He tries not to let that show, especially not in front of Doyoung. 

He feels guilty for that too, putting such a heavy burden on their relationship suddenly. 

Doyoung had been so strong and supportive for him this week - the least he wanted to do was fight about it. 

When he goes down to the gym alone that same afternoon it becomes worse. 

As he’s on his own it’s difficult to fight the thoughts. There’s no ready distraction to search out and the routine of exercises he goes through is so boring, eventually he hits a punching bag out of pure frustration.

Taeil would scold him for this, because his hands are the most expensive part to him and it’s the last he should be putting in danger. 

Jaehyun punches it again out of spite. 

Doyoung is asleep on the sofa when he returns, clearly still recovering from what have been a few very hectic days. Jaehyun lets him sleep and cleans up, thinking they might have to go out and get some groceries if they plan on making food in this kitchen. 

By they he means Doyoung, because he’s not going to be able to put his mind to cooking or anything productive today. He could barely focus on completing his gym routine. 

Instead he texts Mark, hoping it’ll serve as a good enough distraction. 

He’s in Monaco and everything is chaotic. Their rookie driver announced that he won’t be driving, out of respect for Ten. Instead of finding someone new, the team had settled for that and forewent any last minute preparations to get a working vehicle on track next week.

Jaehyun asks how Donghyuck is doing and Mark takes a long time to answer. 

When he does Jaehyun kind of wishes he didn’t, a sad story of how Donghyuck had eventually gotten out of bed yet made it no further than onto the plane and back in bed in a hotel in Monaco. Jaehyun feels bad for Mark, yet from here there’s not much he can do but write plain messages saying everything will be okay. 

It’s not, he knows it’s not. 

Still he’s not Ten and he has no grasp of what’s wrong with Donghyuck, meaning he wouldn’t know how to fix it if he tried. 

Seeking out other’s problems works for a while, but when he stops texting Mark and answers Yuta’s questions in the groupchat, he’s back to square one. He feels bad that he’s here mindlessly texting his friends, while Ten could maybe never do that again. 

It’s not that he feels like he should be texting his friends epiphanies on how much they mean to him, or that he thinks Ten would want him to mope around instead - it’s just that the equation in his head keeps adding up to one simple thing. 

The circuit and corner two and too much gravel and a slip up. 

It could have been anyone. 

It could very well have been Jaehyun, but most importantly it should have been anyone else but Ten. 

If Doyoung notices how bad he feels, he pretends not to. 

Over dinner things are fine, conversation thin and strained but Doyoung is tired and Jaehyun’s head isn’t in it.

When they fall asleep, Jaehyun pretends he’s so tired he really can’t keep his eyes open anymore. He only has to kiss Doyoung goodnight before he buries his head in Doyoung’s chest and falls asleep after hours of overthinking and painfully trying to store the images of Ten’s hospital bed somewhere in his mind. 

The next day it gets worse. 

Jaehyun can’t even enjoy having breakfast with Doyoung, excusing himself that he has to call Taeil and that it’s very important. He slips into their office and does call his manager, but nothing of substance is said and the conversation ends quickly.

Not until that night when they’re in bed together does Doyoung say anything. 

He’s snuggled up against Jaehyun’s back, lips pressed to the back of his neck, arms resting protectively around Jaehyun’s waist. They sleep like this now, every centimetre of skin pressed together until Jaehyun feels suffocated with guilt. He knows it’s Doyoung’s way of coping, it’s how he stifles his own fears. Still it makes Jaehyun feel so loved and whole that the guilt is so much, he doesn’t know how to feel anything else. 

Tension ripples through his body and when Doyoung’s hand reaches out to settle a little higher up, right over his heart - the guilt boils over and Jaehyun reaches up to bat his hand away. 

“Don’t,” Jaehyun bites out, but he’s already regretting it, curling in on himself as he winches in shame. He never wants to push Doyoung away but his palpating heart and his overthinking is getting in the way. 

“Jaehyun,” is all Doyoung says, but it punctures his chest with a pinprick, tingling all over his body. 

“Sorry,” Jaehyun says under his breath, trying to keep a sniffle in. 

“Talk to me,” Doyoung urges.

Jaehyun hesitates, not wanting to cause Doyoung anymore pain by dumping his thoughts on him but also scared that it’ll hurt more if he keeps quiet.

He rolls back to look at Doyoung, resting on his own pillow as he faces him. 

“What’s wrong?” Doyoung asks. 

“I feel guilty,” Jaehyun says. “I feel guilty that it’s Ten and not me in there, that’s what’s wrong.” 

Doyoung sighs. 

“Do I have to tell you that Ten would not want that for you?” 

“No, I know,” Jaehyun says, sniffling. “He’d tell me I’m being stupid and that I need to get my act together.” 

“Right, so get your act together. Tell me what’s really bothering you.” 

Jaehyun says nothing, the words coming uneasy to him, burning his tongue before he gets a chance to say them. 

“It happens to most of us, the guilt. I know what you’re feeling,” Doyoung says then instead, as Jaehyun can’t speak for himself. 

“Oh you googled survivors guilt and suddenly you know what’s going on inside my head?” He bites out, eyeing Doyoung sharply. 

“No Jaehyun, I don’t - but I can’t read your mind and this is the best guess I can make.”

“You _don’t_ know what it feels like, you don’t have to drive,” Jaehyun points out. 

“Is that what this is about, that you’re scared?” Doyoung asks.

Jaehyun scoffs. 

“I'm not scared to drive, I could never be,” Jaehyun insists. If he had at any point been scared of it, then he wouldn’t have gotten where he was today. 

“I’m scared that I’m going to put you through the same thing,” he admits quietly, looking away from his fiancé. 

Doyoung’s breath hitches. 

Jaehyun still doesn’t dare to look at him. He hates himself for saying it, for putting the thought in Doyoung’s head after it’s been haunting his own for the past two days. 

There’s nothing but silence over the sound of their breathing and Jaehyun still doesn’t dare to look up. 

“It’s easier to feel guilty for what you can’t control than to admit that you are helpless,” Doyoung says after a long pause. 

Jaehyun looks back up.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” He asks, frowning. 

“No, but it’s true,” Doyoung says. 

Doyoung always has answers, he’s older and experienced and knows this world in ways Jaehyun can only dream of. Still he is silent and can't offer Jaehyun any words of advice to take away the pain. 

He falls asleep like that, staring at Doyoung, their hands intertwined between them. 

∆

Time goes by faster than Jaehyun would like.

What had been a sacred few days off had to come to an end eventually. He’d been dreading it, staying awake for as long as possible last night to put off the eventual morning, which had now come. 

Doyoung seemed fine, not his usual cheerful self but definitely more cooperative than Jaehyun. They had an early morning flight and Doyoung was awake enough for the both of them, helping Jaehyun through the morning routines. 

Jaehyun sits on the countertop next to the sink, staring at himself in the reflection of their mirror wall. He’s dressed and ready to leave, but the traces of sleep still linger on his face. Doyoung comes up to him, a little more awake yet far from chipper.

“Hey,” he says. 

Jaehyun murmurs something unintelligible, sighing as he rests his forehead against Doyoung’s shoulder. 

Doyoung wraps his arms around him, stroking his back gently. 

“It’s okay,” he says, even if it’s far from okay. 

“I know,” Jaehyun murmurs back. 

Even after three days at home with his fiancé, he’s exhausted. Not a physical kind of fatigue but a draining kind of feeling that keeps pulling at him. 

“Taxi will be here in five minutes,” Doyoung says, attempting to pull away. 

Jaehyun’s hands sink into his shirt, demanding he stay close.

“Just one more minute then,” he says, closing his eyes. 

He noses against Doyoung’s neck, inhaling the comforting scent of him. It reminds him of home and he feels relieved to be able to take a piece of it with him when he travels.

“I just feel like when it starts again, and Ten isn’t there - then he’s really gone.” 

“It doesn’t ever stop, Jaehyun,” Doyoung says sternly, like an emotional punch in his gut. 

He holds onto Doyoung like it’s all he knows, his fingers digging into the fabric of Doyoung’s sweater. He’s far beyond feeling embarrassed for being so needy. Doyoung would never make him feel bad for it anyways, which makes it so easy to keep clinging to him.

“It’s unfair,” Jaehyun murmurs but he still doesn’t let go. 

Doyoung has to tear them apart, his big worried eyes searching out Jaehyun’s. 

“I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do to help you,” Doyoung says. 

Jaehyun’s heart sinks into his stomach, hearing that Doyoung is sorry he can’t do more for him. Like he’s not doing everything already. 

“We need to go,” Doyoung says. 

On his own, Jaehyun wouldn’t have been able to get out of bed at all. 

No matter how big or pressing the responsibilities are he wouldn’t have budged for them, he would be insistent to stay in bed and think that as long as he’s not seeing it, the world outside isn’t happening. 

Still it is. 

He doesn’t get to choose if he wants to see it or not, it’s unconditionally gruesome but Jaehyun doesn’t have any other option.

“Okay,” he says, taking a deep breath. “Let’s go then.” 

∆

Being back in Monaco isn’t as bad as he’s anticipated, mostly because nothing has changed. 

All drivers talk about Ten during the briefing, some asking invasive questions on how he’s doing. Ten’s manager shuts them all down, saying that he’s still being treated and that there’s no news on his condition. 

Jaehyun knows he’s lying to keep face. If they tell the world Ten’s done for, it’ll render them useless in the competition. 

Dejun looks the worst under all the pressure, sitting alone during the briefing with worried eyes. Now that he’s the only driver for their team, the unlucky soul left in the glaring spotlight Ten left, Jaehyun thinks he must have trouble sleeping at night, too. 

He thinks about cornering him on the way out, asking how he’s holding up. 

He doesn’t think his answer will differ much from his own, so he decides against it. A bunch of fools longing for hope clinging to their lost idea of it is not something Jaehyun needs. 

Instead he gets stopped on his way back, after saying goodbye to Taeil in a short moment of privacy. 

“Hey,” the kid says. It’s Renjun, a whole head shorter than Jaehyun. He’s still here, even if he’s sitting out on this race out of respect. He’ll be driving the next one, respect long vanished. 

“Who are you?” Jaehyun asks. 

It’s cruel and it’s painful but Jaehyun cannot help himself. The words come out before he gets a chance to think about them, the desire to flee from this conversation so great.

“Oh, I’m Renjun,” the kid says, still not convinced Jaehyun really doesn’t want company. 

“Cool, I’m Jaehyun, but you knew that already,” he says, still unimpressed.

“I do,” Renjun says, a nervous laugh bubbling up, “I just wanted to say I’m sorry, about Ten.” 

“You’re sorry?” Jaehyun asks in disbelief. “Did you drive him off the track yourself? Huh? Why are _you_ sorry? You’re just some snotty brat with the opportunity of a lifetime, what could you possibly have to be sorry about?” 

“I’m just sorry about your loss,” Renjun says defeatedly, eyes looking down. 

“My _loss_? I’m sorry you’re a _vulture_ , now get the fuck-”

“Jaehyun!” Yuta yells suddenly. 

Jaehyun falls silent, turning around to look at Yuta approaching them. 

Renjun’s stupidly kind face looks unaffected by anything just said, and Yuta mentions for him to walk away. He does without another word, blissfully escaping everything else Jaehyun wanted to say to him. 

“He’s just a kid,” Yuta says. 

Jaehyun mutters something under his breath and Yuta yanks on his arm, pulling him back towards the privacy of their pit wall. 

“What does he have to be sorry for? He’s not even driving today, like he’s putting mother Theresa herself out of business.” 

“He’s just scared,” Yuta says, “and so are you. But you should take it out on me, not on a kid.” 

A kid. Renjun’s just eighteen years old, with the opportunity of a lifetime. 

“Fine,” Jaehyun sighs. “Now talk to me about this circuit.” 

Yuta does. 

It’s just like any other race, and just like usual Jaehyun forgets about anything else while they talk. These moments with Yuta remind him why he likes this so much, Yuta is just as passionate and intelligent about racing. 

Yuta’s enthusiasm comes with a kind of selflessness that Jaehyun admires. 

It’s not just a job for him, he really just wants to help Jaehyun get everything out of himself and the car. It’s nothing compared to his old race engineer, always scraping by to get the race done but never quite feeling like a friend. 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun tells him afterwards. 

“I think Sicheng’s around somewhere, let’s go look at the car,” Yuta suggests. 

They saunter about the circuit until they spot Sicheng, talking to a Mercedes friend. 

It’s Taeyong, and Jaehyun feels an innate uncomfortableness pool in his belly. He has nothing against him, but they’re polar opposites in many aspects. 

“Hey,” Taeyong greets softly, looking at Jaehyun with those round big eyes. 

“Hi,” he returns, hoping to blend into the background of the conversation. 

Yuta and Sicheng are both better friends with the other teams than Jaehyun will ever be. Jaehyun doesn't mind that because he’s not here to make friends and the endless small talk to touch up on friendships only feels like an inconvenience that stalls them. Like now.

“How are you?” Taeyong asks, a pleasantry laced with a heavier undertone.

“Holding up,” Jaehyun says, no words to spare but that. 

“That’s good, how’s Doyoung? I haven’t talked to him much lately,” 

“He’s holding up,” Jaehyun says again. 

He’s not going to waste energy lying to Taeyong. Still he feels a little guilty when his eyes flash with worry. 

“That’s good,” Taeyong says. “It’s good to see you back out here.” 

“Not like I have much of a choice,” Jaehyun says. 

Taeyong looks taken aback by the directness, and Yuta jumps in on the conversation before anyone gets hurt.

“Okay, let's get going,” he calls out, tugging both Yuta and Sicheng with him as he says bye to Taeyong. 

“You’ve got to lay off some of the anger, if they catch you being this hostile with-”

“I know,” Jaehyun cuts Yuta off. “I know that we’re all _friends_.” 

“I get that you’re angry, but this is not the place,” Yuta berates him. 

If Sicheng hears them, he pretends not to, busying himself with something else. 

“I know,” Jaehyun says, voice small and defeated. He looks up at Yuta, his gaze serious but hopeful. 

“Have you tried an _actual_ punching bag? I heard it works wonders,” Yuta suggests. 

∆

The first race without Ten is like any other. 

Racing isn’t about feelings, trauma or personal issues. It’s about the ability to put that aside and focus on one thing: winning. 

It’s why racing without Ten is no different than with him in the game, as Jaehyun’s race is his own. Yuta doesn’t show emotions, not more than usual, and when Jaehyun drives the rest of the world is subdued. 

There is no hospital bed with his best friend, no strain in his relationship - there are only numbers, sectors and corners and Yuta’s soothing voice to talk him through it.

After it hits him, climbing out of his car with a bitter P4 finish, hoping he can find Doyoung and lounge in a hotel bar, maybe inviting Ten. It breaks his heart all over again, the thought coming to him so naturally, but he still feels foolish for it.

Instead he calls Kun after he shrugs off Yuta and Sicheng’s praise. 

“How’s it going?” He asks in lack of better words. 

“It’s okay,” Kun admits, but he sounds pained. “How was your race?” 

“It was okay,” Jaehyun answers in turn. 

He could talk about his P4, assuming Kun wouldn’t know, but what did it matter? 

He fears even if he had loud and prestigious news about a P1 finish, he wouldn’t have been able to tell Kun. 

“They did some more tests today, there’s still good brain activity and his reflexes are intact,” Kun explains. 

Jaehyun tastes a hint of petroleum fumes as he licks his lips. 

He spent all day dedicated to his car, to his crew, thinking in numbers and performance. Kun spent it in a hospital worrying about the love of his life.

It tastes dirty. 

“That’s good,” Jaehyun says.

“I guess,” Kun says, sighing, “it just feels pointless. They’re doing so many tests on him, they know _everything,_ but they can’t tell me when he’ll wake up.” 

Jaehyun says nothing. 

There’s nothing he can do but worry, and scold himself for being able to drive a five kilometre lap in less than a minute, yet being unable to help his friend.

“I’ll come by tomorrow,” Jaehyun promises. 

He’s had the tickets booked for a while already, but hadn’t informed Kun or Doyoung about it yet. 

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go, but after tonight, he’s sure he’ll want to. Italy is only a little detour on his way back to London. 

“I appreciate it, but you really don’t have to,” Kun says.

“I want to,” Jaehyun urges, trying not to sound desperate. 

He _needs_ to is more like it, but he’s too afraid to say it to him. 

“Okay, I’ll see you then,” Kun says, “thanks for calling.” 

“See you tomorrow,” Jaehyun says. 

He tells Doyoung about his plans that night, saying he needs to see Ten before he goes back to London and the races take him further away from Europe. 

He even gives Doyoung an out, saying he will meet him at home later, but Doyoung tells him to stop being daft. Secretly he’s relieved, the task too bitter to do on his own. 

Having Doyoung by his side, even just to assure he won’t back down, is a blessing. 

He thinks about Kun having to do it all alone, without his Doyoung, and that makes him feel guilty. So guilty he can’t fall asleep, even if his bones are aching and his muscles are sore. 

His whole body is so brittle after the race and the emotional strain from the phone call, it’s aching to rest and yet he’s wide awake. 

“You’re still awake,” Doyoung says. 

The alarm clock on the bedside table stands at just after two a.m.

Jaehyun rolls over to his side to look at him. 

“So are you,” Jaehyun points out. 

“I can’t sleep when you’re so tense,” Doyoung says. “I can hear it in your breathing.” 

Jaehyun can hear it too. He wishes it was all keeping him awake.

“Sorry,” he apologises. 

“That’s okay,” Doyoung tells him, reaching up to brush his hair out of his face, “I just wish there was something I could do for you.” 

Jaehyun closes his eyes, exhaling deeply. He swallows down the lump in his throat and the sudden need to cry. 

Instead he leans forward, capturing Doyoung’s lips in a soft kiss. 

It’s cruel to stifle his worry like this, but Doyoung indulges him nonetheless, carefully kissing him back as he reaches up to grab the back of his neck, drawing them closer together. 

It’s been a while since he’s touched Doyoung, but perhaps two a.m. mildly sleep deprived is as good a place to start as any. Carefully he reaches out to put his hand on Doyoung’s waist, feeling the softness of it through his t-shirt. 

It’s familiar, and for a split second that comforts him. 

The familiar taste, the feeling of heat carefully flooding in his belly, Doyoung’s gentle hand playing with the hairs at the nape of his neck. 

His heart races, breath hitching as he carefully licks into Doyoung’s mouth. 

It’s laced with raw desperation, the need coming back to him now that he remembers what it feels like. The feeling is so overwhelming, that Jaehyun fails to separate it from the nagging thoughts keeping him awake, the worry and anxiety coming back like a tidal wave. 

He pretends it’s okay, even if he’s already locked up in his head and can barely register that Doyoung’s there. As long as he kisses him, he can pretend it’s okay, get a hint of the high he’s chasing to numb out anything else. 

It’s his own tears that draw him back, their kiss suddenly tasting salty and wet. 

Jaehyun realises he’s crying, pulling away in shame.

He ducks his head, pushing his face into Doyoung’s chest to hide his tears. 

It becomes more difficult with every breath he takes. Doyoung’s arms come around him, holding him close to his chest as the sobs make him tremble. 

When he stops crying it’s because he’s passed out, sleeping gracelessly in Doyoung’s arms in the newfound silence of their hotel room. 

∆

Over breakfast he confronts Taeil about his sleeping problems. He’s not going to keep this up, three hours a night in between days like this.

“So you can’t sleep?” Taeil asks, eyes narrowing down on the coffee Jaehyun is drinking. 

“I’m exhausted but I can’t…” Jaehyun breathes anxiously, “I can’t rest long enough to fall asleep.”

“Maybe cut down on the caffeine first,” Taeil suggests casually.

Jaehyun snorts, shaking his head to himself before defiantly taking a sip of coffee.

“That’s the only reason I’m here right now,” he points out, remembering the filthy dissolvable coffee he had up in his hotel room.

“Did you talk to Doyoung about it?” 

“It’s not because of him,” well, part of it is, but Taeil doesn’t need to solve _that_ problem, he needs to make sure Jaehyun can sleep again. 

If he doesn’t solve that problem, they’ll have bigger issues on their hands.

“I can get a doctor,” Taeil says, “maybe there’s some Valerian tablets they can give you, but there isn’t much else.” 

“That’s crap, those don’t work. I slept three hours last night. The day before the race I barely slept at all, and I can’t keep that up.” 

Taeil bites his bottom lip, glancing down conflictingly.

“You know you can’t drive if I ask the doctor to prescribe you sleeping medication.” 

“People do it all the time-” Jaehyun argues. 

“They’re really strict in substance usage, there are banners with don't drink and drive next to the circuit. The champagne is _rose water_.”

“What does it matter? I’ve already done the health check-ups for this season.” 

“It’s not safe, Jaehyun,” Taeil talks over him, voice stern. 

“Fine,” Jaehyun breathes out in defeat, “fine, get me the doctor and the fucking _herbal_ remedy, I just want to sleep.” 

Taeil looks at him petulantly, like he wants to say something else. 

With the bottle of pills in his pocket, Jaehyun goes back up to their hotel room. He feels bad for waking Doyoung up, knowing he got the same hours of sleep as Jaehyun, but they don’t have much time to spare before they have to leave. 

He does so by carefully nudging his shoulder, trailing his hand up and down the back of his neck and shoulder blades. Doyoung stirs in his sleep, whining quietly when Jaehyun’s thumbs press indents into his skin.

“Morning baby,” he breathes. 

Doyoung grumbles something into his pillow, before raising up on his elbows and turning around. 

“It’s already morning?” Doyoung rubs his eyes in an attempt to see the time. “You’re already dressed?”

“I was having breakfast with Taeil,” Jaehyun explains. 

“Did you bring me anything back? I’m starving,” Doyoung complains. 

Jaehyun hums, nodding at Doyoung’s bedside table where a cup of coffee and two croissants wait for him. 

“Of course,” Jaehyun says, like he’d leave hotel breakfast without bringing back something sweet for Doyoung.

“I love you,” Doyoung declares dramatically. 

Jaehyun squeezes his shoulder before he gets out of bed, heading into the bathroom. 

He showers alone, even if he leaves the bathroom door open. After last night Doyoung probably knows better than to join him. 

It weighs heavy on his shoulders, the memory of last night, how he has cried into Doyoung’s arms instead of kissing him, and how he sobbed into his chest and eventually put himself to sleep like he so desired. 

Then he thinks of Kun, where he’s going today, and his own silly little problems seem far away. 

∆

Kun looks a little better than what they’d left him like. He explains he’s been staying at a nearby hotel rather than the hospital every night. 

Jaehyun wants to ask him how he can sleep there alone, when Jaehyun can’t sleep anywhere at all. 

Instead he keeps to himself and follows Kun back into Ten’s room. 

He looks the same. Quiet and peaceful, something morbidly unlike him. His lips are a little more chapped, perhaps his skin a little dryer, and there’s minor stubble on his chin. 

“He’s doing okay,” Kun says as they stand by his bed. Kun holds Ten’s hand, but Jaehyun’s not sure he knows he is doing it, their hands slipping together like magnets the moment he’s close enough. “The doctors say he’s breathing well on his own, his reflexes are good - he moves his hand sometimes.” 

“That’s good,” Jaehyun agrees, a stupid hopeful breath escaping him. 

“It is,” Kun says, “but they still don’t know when or if he’ll wake up.” 

Jaehyun had done his fair share of internet searches and looked at the statistics and numbers on people waking up from things like this. The odds weren’t in their favour, but they rarely were in Jaehyun’s life lately - it didn’t make him feel more or less hopeless. 

Of course that's all Kun has, hope. Jaehyun isn’t here to take it away from him - he is here to see Ten. 

“How are you holding up?” Jaehyun asks Kun when they’re sitting on the visitor chairs, looking over Ten’s bed. 

“Some days are better,” Kun says, “then some days are awful and I’m afraid I’m going to forget him and never see him again.” 

“Forget him?” Jaehyun asks, frowning. 

“Not him, but the memories - the little things,” Kun explains, “when you’re together you don’t really think about the possibility that you one day won’t be together.” 

Well, Jaehyun does now. He swallows thickly and hums, urging Kun to go on.

“And at first when this happened I was just worried, it was day to day, if he would pull through, if he would still be here when I woke up in the morning,” Kun explains. 

“And then after, when you think they’re gone, the memories start falling apart, and you can’t remember when you last kissed them, or when you last said you loved them,” Kun says. 

Jaehyun can't remember the last time he said he loved Doyoung. 

A couple days ago most likely, but he can’t pinpoint the exact moment that he said it. 

He probably kissed him good morning earlier today, but even that is not something he’s certain off. He takes that for granted, too. 

“I don’t think it matters much,” Jaehyun says, “you know Ten loves you, and he knows you love him. That’s what’s important.” 

“I guess,” Kun says, sceptical, “but I feel so… _powerless_. The last thing I said to him before the race was something about the car, something technical. I didn’t even say I loved him before he got in, because you know, we don’t do that. We’re not afraid.” 

“You can’t do this if you're afraid,” Jaehyun agrees. “I know it sounds unbelievable, but when you get in the car, the fear disappears. It’s all about focus.” 

“I know, Jaehyun,” Kun says softly. “He’s told me before, it’s… liberating, right?” 

“Yeah, it is,” Jaehyun agrees. 

Even if the laps are set out and there’s a plan for every corner, he still feels free because he’s in control. 

“But I built that car he drove,” Kun goes on, “I was the one that checked it, I was the one who put him in it, I was the one who urged him on to continue for one more year.” 

Kun’s breath escapes him, sniffling as he stands up to look at Ten. 

“I did this to him,” Kun says, a heartbreaking cry cutting through his voice.

“That’s not true,” Jaehyun says, “you know it was an accident, Ten is a professional he doesn’t take unnecessary risks, this was just an accident.” 

“I know,” Kun agrees, “still I just feel like… If I asked him to quit he would have, and we might not be here right now.” 

“He wouldn’t,” Jaehyun disagrees, “Ten would never let himself be talked into something like that, he’s too strong willed to take directions like that.” 

Kun sighs. 

Jaehyun can tell he’s wiping away the tears from his eyes. 

“Look, Kun,” Jaehyun starts, getting to his feet and standing next to him, “this was an accident. Ten is incredible at what he does so it was nothing but that. Don’t beat yourself up for it, there’s nothing you could have done.” 

Kun looks at Jaehyun, his gaze piercing. Jaehyun can practically see him thinking, his face conflicted with his brow furrowed in concentration. 

“There is nothing you could have done either,” Kun says resolutely.

Jaehyun lets it ring out in his ears, breathing deeply. 

“I know,” he forces out, no matter how bitter it is. “It’s easier to blame yourself for everything than to admit you have no control over it.” 

Kun takes a while to process this. 

“You’re right,” he admits, “it’s easier to blame yourself.” 

“Stop doing that, Ten would not have wanted you to do that.” 

The silence that stretches out is almost palpable. Jaehyun looks at Ten’s sleeping form, peaceful as ever. It’s like he’s waiting for him to open his mouth, quip something interesting to lighten the conversation. 

“You too, Jaehyun,” Kun says finally, “Ten would want you to be happy.” 

He sits with Ten alone for a while, Kun and Doyoung out in the hallway talking. Jaehyun’s selfish enough to think they’re talking about him and hopes Doyoung doesn’t burden Kun too much with his fragile state of mind. 

There’s not much he can tell Ten. 

His days aren’t eventful, the races merely routine, the lack of sleep a constant pressing issue. He wished Ten could just tell him to sleep, say that he needs it, and that Ten will still be here when he wakes up. 

But he can’t, he’s only silent as he rests peacefully. For a split second Jaehyun’s jealous of how gracefully Ten is sleeping, like it’s the simplest thing in the world. 

It’s time to leave then, and he bids goodbye to Kun in a heartfelt manner, thinking it might be the last time in a long time before he gets to see him again. 

∆

They come home late. 

London is grey as always, the last remnants of the sun setting low on the skyline. Their house is dark, smelling faintly of disinfectant and carries that eerie unlived feeling. 

Except Doyoung turns on the lights, makes a cup of tea and lights some candles around the living room, turning their vacant apartment back into home. They sit together enjoying the peace and quiet, Jaehyun yawning when exhaustion gets the best of him. 

“I have two weeks until Montreal,” Jaehyun says. He technically doesn’t have two weeks - his schedule is already full of briefings, training and other tasks, but at least he gets to sleep at home for a couple nights. 

“Don’t say it like that, it’s not a must, Jaehyun,” Doyoung points out. 

His hand is on Jaehyun’s thigh, gently trailing patterns into the fabric of his sweats. 

“I just hate travelling now,” Jaehyun says. “What if something happens to Ten, and I’m on the other side of the world?” 

“Kun is with him,” Doyoung reminds him. He knows Ten isn’t alone, knows that if anyone should be there, it’s Kun. He trusts Kun to keep Ten alive and be there when he wakes up, but he still feels the fear that he might miss something.

“I know, he looked like he was keeping it together pretty well,” better than me, Jaehyun doesn’t say. 

Perhaps the fear is different for him, because he has to put himself through it every other weekend, or maybe he’s just weaker. 

He hates it, being this deflated version of himself where anything will set him off. 

He hates how he talked to Renjun back at the circuit, the kid nothing but good and kind, and he hates how he cried into Doyoung’s chest until he fell asleep. 

“What do you have tomorrow?” Doyoung asks, hoping to change the subject to something lighthearted. 

“I probably have to come into the office in the afternoon, Taeil wants to see me,” Jaehyun says, remembering the text he got as soon as he switched his phone off flight mode.

“But you have the morning off?” Doyoung asks, hopeful. 

Jaehyun hums, but he doubts he’ll be very entertaining in the morning, or in the evening - or at any hour of the day with his sleep deprived brain. 

“The doctor gave me some… _something_ , to help with sleeping,” Jaehyun brings up casually. 

“That sounds like you don’t believe in that,” Doyoung says. 

“And you do?” Jaehyun poses sceptically. 

“Well I’m not an expert, but I think it doesn’t hurt to try them,” Doyoung offers. “It’s not a solution, but you need sleep, Jaehyun.” 

The way he says his name makes him feel bad, a tone of concern Jaehyun doesn’t like to hear from his fiancé. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to worry you,” he says in a small voice, Doyoung’s round worry-filled eyes gazing at him heavily. 

“I’m always worried about you, Jaehyun,” Doyoung murmurs, “it’s just worse now when you look so…”

“Awful?” Jaehyun offers. 

He doesn’t have to pretend he can’t see the bags under his eyes or how he’s losing weight at an alarming pace. 

“Tired,” Doyoung says instead. “Let’s go to bed early?” 

Jaehyun doubts it’ll help. He’s tried going to bed early, late, staying up until his eyelids physically fall shut or staying completely still and hoping sleep will come for him. 

Nothing ever works, his brain never stops thinking for long enough to get him some sleep. 

He leaves the medication be, going through his mundane nighttime routines and curling up under the covers of his own bed. It’s comforting and familiar to be back, and for the first time he happily snuggles into Doyoung’s embrace.

Where he felt guilty, he now feels content, happy but mostly grateful to be here with Doyoung in bed, that he’s not alone. 

Maybe it’s the conversation he had with Kun - heavy, but also final, like they’d both said their piece and come to terms with it. Perhaps it placed Ten’s sleeping body somewhere further back in his mind where it didn’t haunt his eyelids or his dreams. 

Maybe it’s Doyoung’s comforting words that made him feel so light, the weight on his shoulders suddenly gone - either way, it only takes minutes before he’s fast asleep. 

The next morning, Jaehyun wakes up to an annoying tickle on his arm. 

He opens his eyes to see Doyoung sitting by his bedside, and realises that the sun’s up already, blaring through their windows. It’s unusually bright for what he assumes is early in the morning, and Jaehyun feels well rested. 

He’s almost forgotten what it feels like, the lazy sated feeling in his bones as he cranes his neck to look at Doyoung. 

“Good morning,” Doyoung says, reaching up to brush Jaehyun’s hair behind his ear. 

He squints at the sudden brightness, stretching his arms above his head as he yawns. 

“Good morning, what time is it?” He asks, nuzzling into Doyoung’s touch. 

“Time for you to get up, it’s one in the afternoon,” Doyoung says. 

Jaehyun can’t recall the last time he slept this long, or the last time he woke up feeling well rested. He hums happily, smiling to himself that he’s finally put a dent in all the sleep he has to catch up on. 

“Did you sleep well?” Doyoung asks. Jaehyun doesn’t feel like getting up quite yet, pulling the covers up to his chin to stay warm under them.

“Mh,” he agrees, “the best, haven’t slept like that in ages.” 

“Good,” Doyoung says, brushing his hand through Jaehyun’s hair. He’s relieved, the same thing Jaehyun is feeling. The lack of sleep was waiting to escalate into something worse, but now he feels like he has it under control. 

“I’m starving,” Jaehyun complains, then sitting up in bed as he rubs at his eyes. 

“I’ll make breakfast while you shower, alright?” Doyoung promises, kissing his forehead before he gets up. 

Maybe it’s not so bad, all this. 

If he gets to have Doyoung in between work, if he’s there when he’s confronted with the anxiety derived from his best friend's abrupt absence, then maybe he can pull through. 

Maybe he simply doesn’t have a choice, still he gets to choose Doyoung. 

**AUGUST 2017**

The news of Luhan’s retirement reaches Jaehyun while he’s in the middle of the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. 

He checks his phone absentmindedly, not really expecting the link Mark sent him to be anything but a funny cat video. He’s grown so much softer since he too became a betrothed man, still Jaehyun’s no better and finds whatever Mark sends usually just as entertaining. 

It’s not a funny video, it’s a news article. 

The headline cuts straight to business, informing Jaehyun that Luhan’s contract with Mercedes is ending in November and that he has no plans on renewing anywhere. 

The rest of the article repeats the same information over and over again, adding in a photo of Luhan with his family, his wife and kids smiling at a red carpet ceremony. They look happy, so happy Jaehyun wouldn’t think twice about quitting for something like that. 

Jaehyun knew it was coming, the news had been in the pipeline for a while but it being broadcasted like this was, as clickbaity as the website had phrased it, breaking news. 

He almost forgets to pay for the groceries, that’s how eager he is to go home, and sprints almost all the way there, eager to tell Doyoung about it. 

He hears voices when he opens the door, toeing off his shoes for his slippers. When he pads into the living room, Doyoung and Taeyong are sitting on opposite ends of the sofa, both holding a cup of tea. 

“Hey,” Jaehyun greets, putting the groceries down on the kitchen counter. “Taeyong, it’s good to see you again, I haven’t seen you in a while.” 

“Hey!” Taeyong says, an infinite amount more cheerful. 

There are cookies on a plate on the counter, courtesy of Taeyong who likes to bake.

The news brewing in the back of his mind seems out of place now, looking at Taeyong who has worked with Luhan for years, likely taking his departure in a different way. Still Taeyong doesn’t look upset - Jaehyun thinks it takes a whole lot more to make someone as positive as Taeyong upset. 

“Did you hear about Luhan?” Doyoung asks anyway. 

Jaehyun freezes up in making his own cup of tea, carefully turning around to look at the both of them. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun says, “yeah, Mark texted me earlier. I’m sorry?” Jaehyun offers Taeyong questioningly. 

“Don’t be, it’s good to see him go like this,” Taeyong says, “although I’m going to miss his little kids running around.” 

Taeyong is probably alone on that. Jaehyun and Doyoung share a humoured glance. 

“But he’s happy, I’m happy he gets to go on his own accord,” Taeyong explains. 

Unlike some. 

Unlike Ten. 

Jaehyun swallows bitterly, thinking back to the last time he visited Ten in the hospital. 

His condition remains unchanged, the only thing that was different was everything around him. The doctors were still hopeful but scarcely so, the chances of him waking up getting slimmer the longer he remained asleep. 

It was painful to hear, but as time went by it became painful to see Ten in that hospital bed too. Any progress, good or bad, was news, it was hope for a change. 

Jaehyun excuses himself, stating he has some work to get to, but really just eager to get himself out of this conversation. 

Naturally he doesn’t get any work done, staring blankly at an email Taeil has sent him. He texts Mark some more, asking how Donghyuck is doing and catching up on work related things. 

He hears Taeyong leave, the front door to their apartment falling shut, before muffled footsteps come into their office. 

“You can come out now,” Doyoung says. 

There’s ill intent laced to his voice and Jaehyun knows he doesn’t believe for a second he actually had to get work done. 

“I just didn’t want to talk about Ten,” Jaehyun admits, staring down at the phone in his hands. 

“Or you just didn’t want to talk to Taeyong,” Doyoung poses. 

He’s right. 

Jaehyun hates him for it, because he’s so _see through_ to Doyoung that there’s no point in lying about it.

There’s nothing wrong with Taeyong. He’s kind and hard working and good at what he does. From the circuit Jaehyun gathers that he’s a good engineer, and Baekhyun seems to thrive with him on call. 

Perhaps that’s what annoys Jaehyun so much, that Taeyong is so damn faultless. 

Even outside of work, like here in their apartment, Taeyong is bubbly and positive. He brings baked goods and he wears bright pink socks, all smiles and polite happiness the moment he comes around. 

It would be cute if it wasn’t so fake. 

No one is that happy and positive. Taeyong’s like a merry go round with the way he’s always predictably cheerful, and for every spin Jaehyun gets a little more agitated that he’s so flawless. 

“Look, I don’t mind him being here, he’s a nice guy,” Jaehyun tries. 

“Sure,” Doyoung says, not believing a word of it. 

“I was just taken aback by the news, I didn’t think Luhan would be announcing this so early into the season. It’ll be strange next week.” 

Doyoung looks sceptical, and has every right to be. Still Jaehyun sends him a pleading glance, praying he drops the subject. 

It’s not that Jaehyun cannot tolerate Taeyong for long enough to hold a conversation, it’s just that seeing him talk to Doyoung makes him feel irrationally jealous. Because the contrast between them is so stark, he sometimes can’t help but feel like Doyoung misses a piece of raw happiness in his life, something Jaehyun can’t seem to give him lately. 

It’s not like Jaehyun can just take up baking and start cooing at cute things to convince Doyoung that he is the same fairy godmother Taeyong is, it’s just something he’s _not_.

“Did Taeil call yet?” Doyoung asks. 

Jaehyun shakes his head. He’d kind of expected it, then again Mercedes does things a little differently. Being at the top, they have luxuries others can't afford, such as an open driver seat in the next season that they get to dangle like bait in front of future possible drivers. 

“No,” Jaehyun says, “I don’t know if he will.” 

“Of course he will,” Doyoung says, “there’s no one else they could possibly want.” 

Jaehyun knows that’s true. He also knows it is the only way to his victory, but he’s grown awfully close to his team and he enjoys his car this season. He’s comfortable here, especially now that chasing first place is not the only thing in his mind. 

Still comfortable is not enough, it won’t make him number one. 

“Let’s not talk about it, okay?” Jaehyun asks. 

The next race is days away and he doesn’t want to spoil what little time he has off. 

“Okay,” Doyoung agrees, but they’re by no means done talking about any of this. 

Still, Doyoung knows as well as Jaehyun that there’s going to be a lot of talking about this by Jaehyun’s team and the media and the higher ups, and they don’t need to add to the conversation right now.

**SEPTEMBER 2017**

It’s lonely at the top. 

Ten had told him this in his first year, when all he could think of was progress and climbing and getting the best stats. Now, all he can think about is how right he is. 

It’s not lonely - it’s actually kind of miserable. 

Although no official offers have been made, Jaehyun can tell by the way Taeil is easily agitated that they’re working on something. That, and the absence of any other supposed runner ups for Luhan’s retirement told him enough, they were still negotiating. 

Sitting by the pitwall, looking at his team, he can tell they feel it too. 

It doesn’t show in their efforts, but in the way they look at him sometimes, like Jaehyun’s got something to hide and if they stare long enough, they just might find it.

Yuta takes it the worst, kind of like Jaehyun expected. 

He shuts off completely and doesn’t look at Jaehyun at all, unless it’s absolutely necessary, like right now.

“I think if we go for a two stop strategy, we’ll have plenty of leverage on Luhan, even if you qualify third you should get in a better start than him anyways.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t doubt the words or Yuta’s supposed strategy. 

He’s professional enough to listen and agree, discuss where necessary, but it leaves the conversation dead.

The pit atmosphere is tense, no friendly banter or heartfelt jokes from Yuta’s side. Everyone’s busy working, or pretending to be busy to avoid touching upon the tense air around them. 

“What’s going on?” Jaehyun asks Sicheng in the quick privacy of their coffee break.

“Yuta’s pissed you’re leaving,” Sicheng says shortly. 

He’s hiding something, but Jaehyun’s not sure he wants to know, especially if Sicheng’s been advised against telling him. 

“We don’t know that yet,” Jaehyun concludes, pursing his lips. “Besides, I’m still here. Yuta’s acting like we’re getting a _divorce_.” 

“That’s a little dramatic,” Sicheng hushes him, “but he’s going to miss you when you go.” 

“ _If_ I go,” Jaehyun corrects him, rolling his eyes. “Besides, it’s not like I can bring him with me.”

“It happens sometimes, staff making a switch with a driver. Not for race engineers of course.” 

“You want to come with me?” Jaehyun asks casually.

Sicheng shakes his head. “No way, I like it here.” 

Jaehyun does too, which is precisely why the transfer doesn’t excite him as much. 

A couple years ago he would’ve been jumping for joy with anticipation for the opportunity, but he was comfortable here. 

It’s dangerous, getting comfortable in a world that changes around you so fast. He’d gotten comfortable in his friendship with Ten, so comfortable that watching him slip through his fingers felt like giving away a piece of himself. 

Still the intensity of his work, the moments of joy and despair they share make it impossible to not get comfortable, to not grow attached. 

He doesn’t regret getting close to his team, it was inevitable over the years they worked together. Still it was optional, thus making the price he was paying for it feel heavier. Transferring meant he had to do it all over again, a new team. 

A new team meant adjusting all over again. 

Everywhere he came he was the new factor, he was the one doing the adjusting, so making a switch to Mercedes would be no different. 

He could only hope they welcomed him with open arms, the way Yuta and Sicheng had brought him on here. 

“I do too,” Jaehyun agrees, “and if I go I’ll still be around.” 

“You’ll be around, yeah, but not with us anymore,” Sicheng points out. 

Sicheng doesn’t really spare Jaehyun’s feelings unless it’s in the best interest of his job. Right now it’s not, and Jaehyun feels every bit awful for leaving his current team behind. 

“Yuta is very attached to you,” Sicheng says. 

Jaehyun knows this; because he is too attached to Yuta for many reasons outside of this job. 

Yuta _always_ listens, no questions asked and no judgement ready to be shared. 

Sometimes he doesn’t even have to listen and he’ll just _know_ what’s up, like on the circuit where Jaehyun will do something just a moment before Yuta says it, like some telepathic ability. 

“So of course he’s going to miss you when you leave. He doesn’t really talk about his feelings, at all, so he’s going to be _like this_ until they transfer you, or until you talk to him about it.” 

Jaehyun decides he’ll go with option one. He won’t talk about it until it’s absolutely necessary. 

“Fine,” he bites out, “fine, he can be like this - but Sunday is important and if he doesn’t-”

“Yuta is a professional,” Sicheng points out, and Jaehyun can only agree that he’s right. 

Yuta is a professional and Jaehyun tries his very best to be one, but it’s not easy when all of Yuta’s answers are short one word replies, said so lacklustre Jaehyun can’t help but think this is the last place he wants to be right now. 

It’s what he gets anyways, and come Saturday evening he’s qualified third. 

It doesn’t feel like much of an accomplishment, even if it’s still the best he can do and Yuta technically did nothing wrong - he just doesn’t feel the rush he normally does. 

Most of all, he misses Ten. 

He would have known what to say in this situation, how to handle a transfer, how to cope with the never ending talks of the media about whether or not Jaehyun is good enough. He would have told him how to approach the subject with Taeil - who is becoming a recluse, working every day and night on things Jaehyun doesn’t know but that still makes him feel guilty, because it’s all for _him_. 

Ten would have told him how to approach Yuta about the transfer and how to _sizzle_ out the uncomfortable atmosphere. 

He meets Doyoung for dinner in the hotel restaurant, gutted about today’s qualifications, annoyed with the way Yuta hadn’t even said _bye_ when he left. 

“How was today?” Doyoung asks. 

Jaehyun poked at his salad with a fork, uninterested in the dish _and_ the conversation.

“Shit,” Jaehyun says plainly. “Everyone’s so tense about the transfer news.”

“There’s no news yet,” Doyoung clarifies. 

“ _Exactly_ , but they’ve already written me off. I’m leaving and Yuta’s not talking to me and Sicheng is just not sparing me.” 

“I’m sorry about that. Did you talk to Taeil?” 

Jaehyun shakes his head quickly, urging Doyoung to drop that question. 

“He’s too busy, and I know he’s working hard for me but… he gets so snappy,” Jaehyun says, shivering as he recalls the phone conversation they had the other day.

Snappy is a kind way of saying Taeil becomes an absolute menace, scrutinising everything Jaehyun does during times like these. Yesterday he got an earful about a comment he liked under one of his social media posts that was highly inappropriate (yet undeniably funny). 

“I miss Ten,” Jaehyun declares. 

He’s not as strained mentioning him anymore, time making him more comfortable to come to terms with Ten and his predicament. 

“I know,” Doyoung says. 

He _does_ look uncomfortable by it, but Jaehyun can’t blame him. After seeing what Ten’s accident had done to Jaehyun, he still gets uncomfortable at the mention of him, thinking that just the drop of his name can put Jaehyun back into that dark spiral.

“I’m going to drive by the hospital on Monday, since we’re here anyways,” Jaehyun says. 

It’s just a few hours from Monza, and he was easily able to plan his schedule around it.

“Do you want me to come?” Doyoung asks.

“You don’t have to, I know you’ve got other things to do,” Jaehyun says.

“Will you be okay on your own?” Doyoung asks. 

“I’ll be fine,” Jaehyun promises, hoping he will be. 

“You need to eat,” Doyoung points out then, clearly seeing Jaehyun is not doing much but shuffling around veggies on his plate. 

He has absolutely no appetite, the food only there out of social obligation to eat something in a restaurant. 

“I’m not feeling well,” Jaehyun says. 

“Doesn’t matter, you need to eat before tomorrow,” Doyoung points out.

Jaehyun knows he’s right. If he goes to sleep on an empty stomach he’ll feel nauseous all morning and then he won’t eat or drink before the race. 

“Fine,” Jaehyun bites, shoving a forkful into his mouth. 

Doyoung chuckles at him from across the table and Jaehyun kicks his shin under it. 

∆

Ten hasn’t changed since Jaehyun last saw him. He’s been moved to a long-term care facility. They specialise in hopeless cases like his, except they call them _special_ cases, needing extra attention. 

Except no amount of attention is going to wake Ten up. 

It’s become a little dire, the way he keeps showing signs of life yet refuses to wake up. Jaehyun tries to call Kun at least once a week, but each time he does he feels like he’s burdening him, asking all the details that are painful to recall.

Ten looks the same, the surroundings now different. 

There’s a bouquet of orange tulips on the table by his bed, the tubes and wires connected to him tucked away neatly behind them. 

The room has a more homely feeling now, with two arm chairs, a tiny end table and some decorative pieces scattered around it. A bright yellow flower field painting hangs across from Ten’s bed, just next to the window with a view of the forest. 

It’s not like Ten’s any worse or better off by them, the view not something he can see. Instead, it’s there for people like Jaehyun or Kun, like they can forget he’s in a coma if the room is well decorated. 

“Hi,” Jaehyun says to him, standing in front of his bed. “It’s been a while since I’ve been here.” 

It’s not for lack of trying, but his schedule has been so hectic that it hadn’t allowed for more. Today he’d told Taeil he needed a couple of hours off, disclosing no reason, as Taeil had simply been too busy to tell him no. 

“You look good,” Jaehyun comments. 

He knows they take care of him better here, making sure his skin stays moisturised and making his lips look less chapped. 

“I’m doing okay,” Jaehyun says, imagining Ten would ask if he could, “I’m glad we’re nearing the end of the season.” 

Just seven more races and he gets a couple weeks of peace and quiet. Or not - it’s all contingent on the transfer he might not make. 

“Mercedes might want me,” Jaehyun says. 

Ten would have something to say about it, but what he’s not sure. He remembers Ten’s reaction to his first transfer, the way he praised him, the way he said Jaehyun was going to get here one day. 

He didn’t think he would get there without Ten, but it’s looking more and more like he doesn’t have a choice. 

“I think you’d be happy for me,” Jaehyun says, pretty sure of himself. 

Ten would be happy for him, but he’d also say something wise about his future teammates. About Taeyong perhaps. He probably knows him, and he’s _dying_ to know whatever Ten knows. 

That’s just it. 

He just wants to talk to him, have one conversation - ask petty questions that don’t really matter, but he just wants the interaction, to hear his voice. 

He sighs. Ten’s hand twitches under the duvet. 

It does that sometimes, and Jaehyun had freaked out the first time, but now he takes it as a sign that Ten might be listening after all. 

“I just wish you’d say something,” Jaehyun says, pursing his lips. “Just anything, just tell me I need a haircut or something that’ll make me laugh.” 

Ten doesn’t say anything. In the silence of the room Jaehyun can only hear the whirring of the machines, and Ten’s timed breathing. 

“I _do_ need a haircut,” Jaehyun says to himself, twirling a strand of hair between his fingers. “But Doyoung likes it longer.” 

He realises how pathetic it sounds only after he’s said it, chuckling to himself. Ten would never let him live that down.

“Doyoung’s doing fine,” Jaehuyn says, “you were right, you know? He’s good for me. I don’t think I could do this without him.”

Ten would scold him for saying that, or he would agree with him. Either way he’d have a lot to say about it, and Jaehyun longs to hear it. 

“Anyways, I don’t have a lot of time,” Jaehyun says, getting back on his feet. “I’m flying home this evening, and we’re leaving for Singapore in two weeks.” 

Singapore makes him think back to the fond memories he and Ten created there. The local restaurant highlights only Ten knew, the engagement ring they’d bought there. Memories like these make it feel like he’s taking Ten with him, even if he’s travelling halfway across the world and Ten is here, asleep. 

“I’ll be back,” Jaehyun says before he leaves. 

Saying goodbye feels silly, because Ten doesn’t even get to say hello. 

Instead he makes a promise that he’ll return here, whenever time allows that, hoping foolishly that one day he can say hello. 

**OCTOBER 2017**

Taeil breaks the news to him the day after the race in Austin. 

It’s Monday morning, Jaehyun’s a little hungover from last night's celebration, and he’s entirely sure he does not want to talk to Taeil right now, not even when he shows up outside his hotel room with three take-away coffees. 

“It’s like eight a.m.,” Jaehyun says dreadfully when he opens the door. 

He’d looked through the peephole to ensure it wasn’t someone else before he opened the door, still dressed in one of the hotel’s provided bathrobes. 

“I waited until eleven a.m.” Taeil says sharply.

So maybe it’s eleven a.m., but after the win Jaehyun celebrated with Yuta last night, he deserves to sleep eleven more hours, at least. 

Taeil lets himself in, shutting the door with his foot. 

Doyoung’s already up, sitting by his desk with his laptop. He’d blissfully let Jaehyun sleep in that morning, knowing he needed the sleep after the state he came home in last night.

“So, I’ve got a deal for you,” Taeil says. He’s not the briefcase type of manager, but still whips out a leather case file. “They’re suggesting starting next season, you get everything you want, essentially.” 

“What?” Jaehyun asks, just to be sure he’s hearing it right.

“Mercedes,” Taeil says. “I think they were waiting to see if any of the Williams drivers would make it, but they’re in no condition to take over after Luhan, so…” 

The contract is a formality if anything. 

They’ve made the offer and Jaehyun would be stupid not to accept it. There’s really no way he _can’t_ accept it, as choosing to stay behind for the sake of comfortability wasn’t in the cards anymore. 

Yuta and Jaehyun hadn’t been the same since Yuta started acknowledging his departure every chance he got. 

Only when they were high on the victories or something particularly exhilarating from the circuit did they get along like the friends they once were, like last night. 

With the way everyone’s been anticipating his transfer, he has no choice but to agree. 

Besides, it would be professional suicide if he turned down the opportunity. It would humiliate Mercedes’ status to no end, and they’d never make such an offer again. 

“I have a condition,” Jaehyun says.

Taeil laughs, until he realises Jaehyun is serious and his face falls. “What else could you possibly want?” 

“I want Mark,” Jaehyun says. “Mark Lee, he’s-”

“I know who he is, Jaehyun,” Taeil says, rolling his eyes, “you expect them to just take on someone from another team because you asked?” 

“They asked for me,” Jaehyun points out. Taeil sighs, shaking his head. “I’ll agree, but I want Mark - and Mark comes with Donghyuck.” 

“They _have_ staff Jaehyun, they have people, the best people, you know they do,” Taeil points out, still not buying Jaehyun’s demands. 

They might be a reach, but Jaehyun just doesn’t want the hassle of acclimatising to a new team on his own. He wants someone he trusts, a familiar face - someone that knows Ten, someone he can talk to without feeling like he has to hold back. 

He doesn’t want Mark because he’s better than the staff Mercedes has, he wants Mark because he’s a good friend and he makes Jaehyun feel less pressured. They were friends before Jaehyun got where he is now, and they’ll be friends after, without the awkward hue of success tainting their friendship. 

“Mark’s good, they have good stops - they’re fast,” Jaehyun points out. 

“You’ve talked to him about this?” Taeil asks.

“No, I just thought of this,” Jaehyun says casually. 

Doyoung snorts from where he’s hidden behind his laptop, the coffee Taeil brought him standing untouched on his desk next to him.

Jaehyun takes a sip of his own drink, savouring the caffeine on his tongue, entirely unbothered by Taeil’s pained expression. 

“You realise what you’re asking from me?” Taeil poses. “You’re asking me to go back there and make demands to change this,” he pats the leather folder demonstratively.

“Isn’t that what you do?” 

“Do you know how hard I worked to get you this?” Taeil asks, raising his voice a little. 

There’s no point in arguing about it, Jaehyun’s not going to back down on his demands and Taeil knows there’s no alternative. 

It _is_ what he does and Jaehyun’s a little cruel. 

Jaehyun’s pretty sure that when it comes down to it, he’s the one that put in the most work to get where he is today. 

“I’ll ask them.” Taeil says strategically, resting his case. 

“One more thing,” Jaehyun starts. Taeil glares at him, but nods for him to go on, “I want two weeks off in December.” 

Taeil nods, not adding more fuel to the fire by starting an argument about this, too. Jaehyun hasn’t had any real time off since Ten’s accident, and even that had been like pulling teeth. He needs a break and Taeil cannot argue with him about that either. 

“Thanks,” Jaehyun says. “And thank you for this, for everything you do. I’m grateful.”

“But you want it on your own terms, yeah, I get it,” despite being annoyed, Taeil looks a little bit charmed by Jaehyun’s persistence. “I’ll get going then, I’ll call you when I’ve figured things out.” 

“Thank you,” Jaehyun says again, bidding Taeil goodbye.

Jaehyun holds his breath until the door falls shut, looking up from his coffee at his fiance. 

Doyoung’s smile is small, but breaks out when he sees Jaehyun’s reaction. He gets to his feet, crosses the room and throws his arm around Doyoung’s neck, nearly knocking him over with the force of it. 

He holds him tightly, chest to chest with his face buried in Doyoung’s neck, a smile stretched over his lips pressed to Doyoung’s neck. 

When Doyoung pulls away, he only does so to cup Jaehyun’s face and seal their lips together. It’s a bruising kiss, filled with anticipation yet relief. He feels the tingle all over his body, the way Doyoung kisses him sending his head spinning, a kiss almost as good as the feeling of knowing he’s made it. 

“Congratulations,” Doyoung says a little coyly when they pull apart. 

Jaehyun keeps him close, hands on his shoulders to ensure he stays there. 

“Thank you,” he says, but it’s barely a whisper, still overwhelmed by the kiss and the news about his transfer. 

“This is huge for you,” Doyoung says, sounding just as promising as Jaehyun had felt about the news. 

It is huge - it means next year he might win. 

He’s going to be number one very soon, only a matter of time and progress. 

“Yeah, I have to tell…” he trails off, keeping Ten’s name from his lips. 

He has to tell him, but there’s no point. Telling Yuta and Sicheng can wait, although he wants them to know before they officially announce it, it’s also not the joyful audience he’s hoping to share it with. 

“I should call Mark.” 

“Maybe you should shower first,” Doyoung points out, because he still feels like the same person that had too many shots before going to bed last night, and he cannot help but agree. 

“You’re right,” Jaehyun agrees, realising he still has the bathrobe on anyways. “Join me?”

“I’m kind of in the middle of something,” Doyoung says, apologetically glancing back at his laptop.

“That’s right you’re in the middle of showering with me,” Jaehyun suggests. 

Doyoung only has to think about it for a split second before he gives him, following Jaehyun into the bathroom. 

∆

There’s a restless feeling in Jaehyun’s entire body, stretching from head to toe as he sits by a table for two in the hotel restaurant. He’d asked Yuta to meet him there, sending him a quick text message when he got out of the shower earlier. 

They didn’t have much time, so it was either a short lunch before their flight in the afternoon - or Yuta would learn the news from a news website in the private confines of his hotel room. Jaehyun cared about him too much to let him suffer like that, even if the weeks leading up to this have been bitter, Yuta making it very clear that Jaehyun’s departure was not something he was going to take easily.

It’s why Jaehyun feels so restless, checking his phone every now and then to countdown the minutes to Yuta’s arrival. 

He tries to keep occupied with the newspaper out on the table in front of him, but has read the headline about three times already, never turning a page. 

Finally Yuta shows up, a little late as always. 

Jaehyun waves him in to draw his attention and Yuta gives him a nod of recognition before he comes over to his table.

“You really thought brunch was a good idea after a night like that?” Yuta asks as he sits down across from Jaehyun.

Jaehyun bites his lip, remembering the shots they took last night, celebrating one of their best races in a while. Today the atmosphere has done a full 180, Yuta’s newfound scowl back on his face as he glares at Jaehyun. 

“I just wanted to talk to you,” Jaehyun says as the waitress approaches their table. 

They order food first, Jaehyun going for another coffee with it, hoping the caffeine kick can pull him through the conversation. 

It’s a filthy tactic, but he knows people are less likely to walk out on you if you break news to them _after_ you’ve ordered food. 

“So?” Yuta asks after the waitress leaves. “You wanted to talk, so lay it out.” 

Jaehyun gulps, pursing his lips as he looks down at the table. 

“You’re leaving,” Yuta concludes. 

Jaehyun wishes he could say no, but he doesn’t. Instead he finds the guts to look Yuta in the eyes, confirming with a nod.

“Fuck,” Yuta breathes, shifting in his seat uncomfortably. “I knew it, and still you didn’t tell me-”

“I literally _just_ found out, you’re the first person I’m telling,” Jaehyun points out. 

“The first?” Yuta asks, sceptical as he glares at Jaehyun across the table.

“Doyoung and Taeil know, of course,” Jaehyun says.

“Of course,” Yuta mocks, sighing to himself.

A long silence stretches out between them, awkward and sharp around the edges - but at least Yuta isn’t walking away like he does any time Jaehyun tries to confront him by the circuit. 

Emotional support is _not_ part of Yuta’s job description, and yet causing distress isn’t either, so Jaehyun thinks it’s unfair. 

Still, he’s the privileged one, the one that’s leaving for something better - so he’s in no position to ask things of Yuta, not even to be civil. 

“Congratulations,” Yuta says through gritted teeth, not an ounce of meaning behind his words. 

“Look, I don’t want to leave you, you _know_ that,” Jaehyun tells him, even though it feels like something that should be _unsaid_. 

Yuta is his friend, and he never intended to harm him. 

Racing is a selfish sport, and Jaehyun has to make selfish decisions - but also selfishly ask too much from others in his life. Yuta’s one of the tougher ones, because he’s got more spine than Jaehyun will ever have, and it’s difficult to break that down. 

“What are they offering?” Yuta asks. 

“Does it matter?” Jaehyun asks hopelessly. 

He supposes it does to Yuta, perhaps just searching out what a new team can give him that Yuta can’t, but he should know the answer to that. 

“Of course it matters - it’s why you’re leaving, isn’t it?” 

“I can’t tell you what they’re offering me, but you _know_ I’m better off with them.” 

The waitress comes with their drinks, Jaehyun’s double shot espresso and Yuta’s chamomile tea. 

“So Abu Dhabi is our last race then?” Yuta asks over a sip of tea. 

When he says it like that it feels so resolute, Jaehyun’s apprehensive to answer.

“Yeah, it will be,” he tires, voice quivering a little. He swallows down a sip of coffee. “I’ll be starting there next season.” 

“And you’ll be with Lee there?” Yuta asks. 

Jaehyun bites his lip, trying his very best not to laugh. It’s the only thing he can think of doing, no other way to explain why in the world he’s trading Yuta in for Taeyong, someone he can’t even stomach a conversation with. 

“Yeah, I guess,” Jaehyun says, knowing it’s stipulated somewhere in the contract he hasn’t read yet. 

“And I guess we’ll take Yukhei on for next season then,” Yuta says, a conclusion that clicks the pieces into place. 

They’re just pawns. 

Jaehyun is replaceable, painfully so as Yuta thinks about the next driver he’ll be with. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun says, nodding meekly. “I’m going to miss you.” 

“I bet you will,” Yuta says with a light-hearted laugh. “We’ll still see each other around the circuit, don’t worry too much about that.” 

“Still, it won’t be the same,” Jaehyun says, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth. 

There’s nothing he can fault Yuta for, the concealed hostility outed in short textbook answers, Jaehyun can’t ask for anything else when he’s already the one asking too much. 

“No, Jaehyun,” Yuta says, a thin smile on his lips, “it won’t be the same.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took a little longer to get out because it was quite difficult to write. it would mean a lot to me to get some feedback on how it turned out, so please don't hesitate to leave a comment if you'd like to! thanks for reading! 
> 
> i would like to stress again that there's no MCD in this story so it might look hopeless but i promise it is not. also adding that i am not a medical professional and my source for this is google/grey's anatomy.
> 
> UPDATE: there’s a one shot called ‘last night’s dream’ (next part in this series) that is set between this chapter and the next one. it doesn’t have much plot, but in case you want something fluffy and wholesome for a change, check it out!


	5. 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick note: in between this part and the previous one there's a honeymoon oneshot (the next part in this series), 'last night's dream'. it's not necessary to read because it doesn't have much plot, but there are some bits and pieces. 
> 
> chapter warnings: (minor) homophobia, explicit sexual content

**JANUARY 2018**

It's quiet in the bedroom when Jaehyun wakes. Outside the city is rowdy, but up high on the 27th floor in their penthouse, that’s far away. Their alarm hasn’t gone off yet, but Jaehyun’s not surprised. He’s been sleeping poorly ever since they returned from Hawaii. He’s not sure what transatlantic timezone he’s running on, but he’s out after dinner and up way before breakfast is appropriate.

Doyoung doesn’t have this problem. He always powers through jet lags by depriving himself of sleep until it’s appropriate. Jaehyun can’t do that, because he gets so grumpy when he’s tired that it’s better for both of them if he just sleeps.

It also means that at 5.45 in the morning, he’s wide awake and sitting up in bed, looking out over their bedroom. In the darkness he can’t see much, but he can hear Doyoung’s soft breathing, and feel the warmness of his body next to him in bed. 

Instead of waking him up, Jaehyun eases out of bed. The cool air prickles at his bare skin and he quickly makes his way into the bathroom, closing the door just as the lights flick on, hoping he didn’t wake Doyoung up on his way there. 

He turns to their walk in shower, turning it on. The cool water teases at his shins when it smacks against the floor, splashing back up at him. Soon that cold water turns warm, and he’s pulling off the last of his clothes and stepping under the spray. 

It’s hot and heavenly, the warm water seemingly seeping into his bones to draw out the drowsiness. His muscles are sore from the gym last night, but with the heat it feels a little better, a little bearable as he stretches out the knots in his back. 

It reminds him of Hawaii, of their honeymoon. The sound of the shower doesn’t even come close to the waves on the beach, but if he closes his eyes and relaxes enough, he can just fool himself into thinking he’s still there. The hot water makes the bathroom feel humid, the air thick and heavy as he fills his lungs with it, the water on his back a gentle tickle. 

It’s soothing, like how he’d felt that last night staring out over the ocean, feeling the waves at his feet. Even if it’s just the shower, the sound of the water is comforting in the same manner. 

He sits down on the floor, leaning back against the wall, enjoying the calming touch and sound of the shower. When he closes his eyes and tips his head back, he feels so content. He doesn’t have to think about the day he has ahead of him, or the blaring alarm that woke him up, he’s just _there_. 

“Jaehyun?” Doyoung calls, his voice drawing Jaehyun out of his thoughts. 

He looks down at his hands, seeing how wrinkly they’ve gotten with his soak.

“Yeah?” He calls back after a moment, getting to his feet. 

“You’ve been in there for a while, are you okay?” Doyoung asks. 

“Fine,” Jaehyun calls back, “I’ll be out in a minute.” 

“Alright baby, I’ll go downstairs to make you some breakfast.”

∆

“Hey,” Donghyuck says, showing up only ten minutes late to his new office. Jaehyun’s playing with a few buttons on the table, stacking a few of them before they topple over. “Sorry I’m late, Mark wouldn’t get out of bed this morning and he had to give me a ride.”

“Don’t worry,” Jaehyun says. 

After having breakfast with Doyoung, he decided to go into the office straight away, even if it’s a little early. It left him just enough time to sit down for coffee with Taeil, sparing him all the details from his honeymoon and cutting straight to business. Donghyuck wasn’t like that, conspicuously eyeing Jaehyun up and down.

“You actually got a tan, I can’t believe it,” Donghyuck says as he pulls out his laptop, setting up on the table in front of Jaehyun. 

“I really tried,” Jaehyun says, smiling as he recalls their numerous attempts at sunbathing. Doyoung hadn’t actually gotten a tan - turning red, and then pale again when the sunburn vanished. 

“Looks good on you,” Donghyuck says, certainly not just talking about his suntan. 

Jaehyun twirls the gold ring on his finger around. He’s not quite gotten used to wearing it at all times, not like Doyoung who had a year of practice with his engagement ring. 

“Did you clean your ears this time?” Donghyuck asks.

Jaehyun laughs, innocent and good as he thinks back to the very first time he met Donghyuck and he hadn’t thought about cleaning his ears beforehand. 

“I did this time, just for you,” Jaehyun admits. 

“See, this is why you’re my favourite. Let’s get started then.” 

Donghyuck lays him out another suit, a black and silver one this time. It’s probably the best tracksuit he’s had until now, the light blue details standing prettily on the black fabric - the meaning behind the colours and his new team extending far beyond just a tracksuit. 

It’s very nostalgic, the way Donghyuck mutters about his abnormal sized head and his posture. Jaehyun enjoys it very much, so thankful Mark and Donghyuck honoured his request to be on his team for the coming year. 

Perhaps it will compensate for Taeyong, whom he has barely talked to. 

He’s only met Taeyong in passing, as the preparations and training are kicking off tomorrow, but he’s not looking forward to being formally introduced to his new race engineer. 

He already knows it’s going to chafe, and that’s just putting it nicely. 

“How are you settling in?” Jaehyun asks, in hopes of distracting himself. 

“Good, it’s all good - Mark’s unpacking boxes and I’m slowly getting back to work. It’s busier, but a good busy,” Donghyuck explains eloquently, in ways only he can. 

Jaehyun sees a lot of Ten in Donghyuck, the brutal honesty, the brattiness and sometimes downright rude behaviour. He envies it a little, thinking how much easier things would be if he could be just as cold-blooded. 

He’s not like Ten or Donghyuck - but the closest thing he’ll come is being their friend, getting people like that in his life that can do the talking for him, sometimes. 

“I’m glad,” Jaehyun says. 

He’d felt guilty asking so much from Mark and Donghyuck. Mark had been rightfully reserved about it, leaving a team he enjoyed being in, but Donghyuck had been more easily convinced, eventually persuading Mark too. 

“I’m really….” Donghyuck purses his lips, painted nails running over the side of his tablet, “ _thankful_.” 

It sounds foreign coming out of Donghyuck’s mouth, and he looks like he has trouble getting the words out, frowning when he says them. 

“Thankful?” Jaehyun asks, puzzled. “For what?”

“That you asked for me,” Donghyuck explains, “you didn’t just ask for Mark - you asked for me, too, it means a lot to me.” 

“Mark and you are a package deal,” Jaehyun answers. 

“I would have kicked his ass all the way to London to accept this offer. This is a great opportunity for him, I would not have let it go to waste for my sake.” 

Jaehyun tries not to think about it too much. 

Not everything is about him, and there are other coping mechanisms than internalising. Still, in the blink of an eye he thinks about all the opportunities Doyoung is missing out on for him. 

“Of course,” he answers shortly. “You don’t have to thank me, I asked for Mark because I know he’s good, but I enjoy working with you, too.” 

Jaehyun _does_ enjoy working with Donghyuck, even if he sometimes says the wrong thing. Or maybe it’s the right thing, just the wrong timing - Jaehyun doesn’t know what to think of it anymore as he spins the wedding ring around his finger on his way home. 

It’s raining as always, his driver complaining about the traffic that’s moving nowhere at this time of day. Jaehyun takes the extra minutes as a moment to think, resting his head against the window pane as he stares at the rain droplets. 

He counts the lights from passing traffic until they suddenly pull into the garage of his building. He thanks the driver - a benefit of his new contract, someone whose sole purpose is getting Jaehyun from A to B when he’s home, telling him to go home for the night, knowing he doesn’t have any other plans. 

Coming home to Doyoung is always pleasant, completely turning the mood he was in around. Home smells like cinnamon, a product of the apple pie standing on the kitchen counter when he comes in. 

Doyoung is still standing by the stove, working on what is presumably dinner, looking over his shoulder when the sound of Jaehyun’s slippers carries into the kitchen. 

“Welcome home!” 

Jaehyun must be the luckiest man in the world, coming home to a husband that’s cooking and dinner and has spent the day _baking_. 

“I made an apple pie,” Doyoung says, nodding at the thing on the counter. 

“You did,” Jaehyun says, stepping up a bit closer to smell it. 

He didn’t know Doyoung baked - had never seen him bake anything before, but maybe now that they’re home, living as close to _normalcy_ as possible, Doyoung gets to practice hobbies he hasn’t tried before. 

“Taeyong made it a couple weeks ago, he texted me the recipe and I had to try it.”

Of course - there it is, the catch. 

There’s a Taeyong attached to the apple pie, and Jaehyun doesn’t know why that pisses him off. He feels like he should know why, that there’s _something_ about Taeyong that he just keeps missing, no matter how obvious it may be. 

Moments like this he really misses Ten. 

Ten would give him the clue to figure it out, would say just the right thing to help him put the pieces together. He wouldn’t even have to say anything, he could just _look_ at Jaehyun a certain way and there it was.

But he doesn’t have that luxury. 

He cannot fill the void of Ten with Yuta, as much as he’d tried last year, it wasn’t the same. Mark is a good friend but is diplomatic in a way that Ten could never be, which spares Jaehyun a lot of uncomfortable situations, but also puts him right here in the middle of his own kitchen, looking spitefully at baked goods. 

“Looks good,” he adds a little too late for it _not_ to sound forced. Doyoung doesn’t notice, busy with dinner that’s sizzling on the stove. 

When he sinks back against the counter and thinks about tomorrow, he misses Ten again. 

He feels entirely unprepared going into his new team, working with a group of people he has never met before, who he doesn’t know anything about - but who know everything about him. He only knows what Doyoung had let him in on, and that wasn’t much. Everything else that industry veteran Ten could tell him would be a guessing game this time. 

Getting Mark and Donghyuck back was only a way to get himself some air, a buffer for the rest of his new team. It wouldn’t make it easy to accustom to a new team, but it would be a little more bearable. 

Except tomorrow he has to meet _everyone_ else, and he isn’t looking forward to it. It doesn’t feel bearable at all. 

“Are you okay?” Doyoung asks over dinner. 

Jaehyun’s picking at his food, thinking about the next few days, meeting his new team, everything else that comes with it.

“I’m good,” he lies, taking a bite to play off the silence that follows. 

“You already look like you haven’t slept in days,” Doyoung says, probably seeing the worry lines on Jaehyun’s forehead.

“I’m meeting my new team tomorrow,” Jaehyun says, like it’s not marked in his calendar that’s open on the coffee table. 

“I know,” Doyoung says, “they’re good people, Jaehyun.” 

“I _know_ ,” he insists, “I just don’t know them, at all, and they know a lot about me - or they’ve probably heard a lot about me.”

“They’re professionals, they don’t care about that. Besides, what’s the worst thing they could’ve heard about you? That you have an attitude in the mornings? Boo-hoo.” 

Jaehyun chuckles, deciding to leave it there. He doesn’t need to have this discussion here with Doyoung, not the evening before he does meet his new team. 

“You’re going to be fine,” Doyoung promises. Under the table, he can feel Doyoung’s ankle rubbing up against his calf, a subtle nudge that distracts him from any other thoughts. 

∆

Jaehyun wakes up too early again, the jetlag not allowing him to get anymore sleep. Doyoung’s still happily passed out, head on Jaehyun’s chest as he snores softly. It’s a too beautiful sight to disturb, so Jaehyun remains in bed, completely still as he watches Doyoung sleep. 

Eventually he has to detach himself, letting Doyoung sleep in as he gets up and calls his driver, telling him he’ll be ready to go shortly. 

He’s not as nervous as he was last night, Doyoung’s comforting words taking most of the edge off before they went to sleep. He’d woken up with a similar deep satisfied feeling, enjoying his morning coffee by the window, overlooking the city before he was due to head out.

Coming into the meeting room, he’s not the first one there - but he’s also not late, a lot of vacant chairs still. Of course everyone looks at him when he enters - it might very well be his first day of the job, he feels every bit as awkward. 

“Jaehyun!” Jungwoo calls happily, waving him in from where he’s sitting. 

Jaehyun approaches him quickly, avoiding everyone’s glances as he takes a seat by Jungwoo’s table. 

“How are you?” He asks, eager to make conversation with Jungwoo. 

He knows him through Doyoung, one of Doyoung’s closest friends on the team but most importantly Doyoung’s witness at their wedding. 

“Good!” Jungwoo exclaims. “What about you? How was your honeymoon?” 

“Fantastic,” Jaehyun says, and he means it from the bottom of his heart. 

Every part of it was fantastic, great - everything he wanted. He’s just sad it’s over - but no one has to know that. He’s not supposed to be sad, today is an important day for him. 

“That’s good - you better make that work, I didn’t sign off on your marriage for nothing,” Jungwoo says with a giggle, patting Jaehyun’s shoulder. 

Just when Jaehyun thinks it’s not so bad and that his new teammates might as well be his friends, Taeyong shows up. He’s a little late, coming in with a latte in hand and sliding into the vacant chair next to Jaehyun. 

“Sorry,” he apologises, but no one seems fazed by his late arrival. 

The whole team is gathered today, all fifty something members of their crew that Jaehyun will never be able to memorise the names of. Starting off the season together seems to be a Mercedes tradition, even welcoming their team principal into the room. 

The team principal holds a short speech, some encouraging words to overcome the challenges this year will bring, ending it off with a final push - let’s make it a good year. He’s kind, the years of success still not getting to his head with how casually he speaks. It makes Jaehyun a little less worried for the day to come. 

During a break they all gather around the pantry outside for a cup of coffee. Mark is occupied talking to some of his new teammates, Donghyuck pulled into a conversation with a higher-up, which leaves Jaehyun standing with his coffee in hand, ready to get out his phone and pretend to be busy.

“Hey,” someone says, a pair of sneakers coming into his vision.

Jaehyun looks up, surprised to see Baekhyun. 

“Hi,” Jaehyun says, a little caught off guard. 

“We don’t need to do introductions, right?” Baekhyun says a little awkwardly, stuffing his hands into his pockets. Jaehyun’s relieved to sense his uncomfortableness, noting that he isn’t alone on that. 

“No, I think we’re good,” Jaehyun says. 

“I always feel uncomfortable at these things. Everyone knows me, but I don’t know most of them,” Baekhyun explains.

Jaehyun knows exactly how he feels, regretfully so. 

“Yeah, I get that,” Jaehyun says. “I’m afraid I’m going to forget everyone’s name as soon as they introduce themselves.” 

“Just remember the ones that matter. Jungwoo - your engineer, the one sitting next to you,” Baekhyun says. “He’s a good kid. You’re going to like working with him.” 

“He’s nice, he’s a friend of Doyoung’s.” 

“Ah yes, of course - well then you also know Taeyong, right?” Baekhyun asks, gesturing at Taeyong, who is talking to the other race engineer. 

“Yeah, I know him,” Jaehyun agrees. 

“Taeyong’s good,” Baekhyun comments. 

Jaehyun knows this already, everyone and their mother informing him of this very fact, Taeyong is _good_ , and that’s all there is. Each time someone says it, it comes with a pause, like there’s a _but_. Taeyong’s good - but here’s the catch. 

“I’m looking forward to working together,” Baekhyun says instead. 

“You are?” Jaehyun asks, undeniably a little surprised at Baekhyun's friendliness. 

Then again, he knows the clauses in his contract - knows Baekhyun has the right to _choose_ the second driver, so he must’ve been onboard with letting Jaehyun in. 

Still there’s a difference to being civil and actually striking up a conversation, like Baekhyun is doing. 

“Don’t get me wrong - I’m going to beat the shit of you out there, but you know, in a friendly manner,” Baekhyun laughs it off. 

“Sure,” Jaehyun says, smiling. “That sounds great.” 

“Cool,” Baekhyun says, patting him on the back. 

Everything goes much better than Jaehyun had expected. Meeting his new teammates is not quite the challenge he’d anticipated, and he spends the rest of the _team building_ day chatting with Baekhyun, the polar opposite of his previous teammate. 

It all goes well until it’s time to go home. Jaehyun’s just returning to the meeting room to grab his bag, his driver texting him that the car is ready waiting outside. 

The room is empty save for Taeyong, who sits by the deserted table, scribbling out some notes onto a piece of paper.

“Oh, hey,” Taeyong says, looking up from his work. “I thought you’d gone home already.” 

“I’m just heading there,” Jaehyun says, picking up his bag. He feels obliged to say something more, with the way Taeyong’s big pleading eyes are staring up at him. 

“I never asked you before - how was your honeymoon?” Taeyong says suddenly. 

“Good,” Jaehyun answers quickly, hoping he doesn’t overthink the question for too long. He adds some details casually, hoping it doesn’t come out forced. “It was nice and relaxing, the weather was good.” 

“Really? I didn’t think Doyoung would like the warm weather, he always says the humidity makes his skin dry,” Taeyong says. He says it so nonchalantly, chewing on the end of his pencil with his eyes narrowed down on his notes.

And Jaehyun knows this, knows Doyoung like the back of his hand, knows that his skin gets dry, knows the rough patches where Jaehyun’s stubble grazes his neck when they curl up together in bed, knows the scar by his lips and the mole on his thigh, and so many more things Taeyong _doesn’t_ know. 

Still that small comment makes his skin crawl, if only the careless sense in which Taeyong says it, like he’s in a place where he should know these things about Doyoung. 

“You look good anyways, tan and all,” Taeyong points out to fill in the silence. 

“Thanks,” Jaehyun bites out. “I should get going, I’ll be late for dinner.” 

“Tell Doyoung I said hi.”

Jaehyun doesn’t. 

∆

He calls Kun later that night, after he’s come home to dinner and kisses Doyoung in the doorway and all the thoughts about Taeyong are gone. 

“Hello,” Kun answers, a little exasperated. 

“Hey,” Jaehyun says. “Sorry - is this a bad time?” 

It’s always a bad time. Kun doesn’t like it when he calls, usually letting him go to voicemail. There’s nothing they can say to each other, nothing but subdued ways of expressing how much they both miss Ten. 

Still, Jaehyun cannot get on a plane and visit Ten any chance he gets, so the closest he can get is calling Ten’s husband. 

“I’m out on a run,” Kun says, explaining the noises around him. “What’s up?”

“Just wanted to ask how you’re doing,” Jaehyun says. 

“Good,” Kun says, “actually - it’s a good thing you called, I visited Ten today, gave him some new pink lilies. The orange tulips have gone all droopy.” 

It is of utmost importance that Jaehyun is up to date with what flowers Ten has on his nightstand. Of course it’s irrelevant, but the changes of flowers mark important little moments for him. It gives him perspective, how long Ten’s been gone, how many bouquets they’ve gone through. It helps paint the picture in his head, of what Ten looks like right now, what kind of flowers accompany him at the long-term care facility he’s at. 

“Anyways, that’s not what I was going to tell you - they did some tests on him the other day and his reflexes are good, _better_ actually. I tickled him and he did that weird lip-twitch thing,” Kun sounds so excited for someone that _tickled_ their unconscious husband, perhaps a little too much.

Yet Jaehyun is just as excited, laughing into the phone as he presses it closer to his ear. 

It’s not certain Ten is getting better, but with these little things he at least feels like he isn’t getting _worse_. 

He knows the odds are bad and the chances of Ten waking up and still being a functioning human being are slim at best, but hope is still all Jaehyun has, the only thing time hasn’t taken away from them. 

“That’s great,” he breathes into the phone.

“It is,” Kun says in a nervous breath, “they say he’s been improving a lot lately.” 

Kun always says this, and Jaehyun doesn’t doubt the doctors tell him this. It’s what he wants to hear, it’s the only thing he can handle hearing. Every time it makes Jaehyun feel hopeful, like maybe _soon_ , but it’s never soon. 

He’s always holding his breath until the next milestone, until there’s another scan with _hopeful_ results or another sleep twitch to call him about. 

Jaehyun doesn’t really call Kun to talk about Ten, he calls to talk _to_ Ten, and it always slips his mind that Kun is not the outlet for everything he needs to say. But Kun is still one of the few people he can talk about Ten to, and he’ll take any chance he can get.

“How’s Mercedes?” Kun asks.

“Black, silver… light blue,” Jaehyun says, the only thing that comes to mind right now. 

All the impressions and people he met today, they’re all somewhere fleeting in his memory, but far away from the privacy of his apartment. 

Kun laughs. 

“I can imagine. How’s Baekhyun? He used to be close with Ten.” 

There’s not a single driver Jaehyun met that wasn’t close with Ten. He has that ability to make you feel like you matter, even if you just had _one_ brief conversation, and he never forgets a name or a face.

“Baekhyun’s nice, he’s good at what he does,” Jaehyun says, the only thing he remembers about his fellow driver. 

“Good,” Kun says. “I’m happy for you.” 

Jaehyun wishes he could say the same. 

“Ten would be proud of you.” 

It hurts. So much Jaehyun has to shut his eyes, inhale sharply and let his phone drop on his desk. The tears rim his lashes, wet and warm against his skin as he grits his teeth together, trying to breathe through the pain. 

“Thanks,” he says when he picks his phone up moments later. 

There’s no room in this conversation with Kun to tell him how much it hurts, he has no right to be hurt when he’s moved on and thriving, and Kun is still right there counting every breath Ten takes. 

“Goodnight Jaehyun,” he says.

“Goodnight Kun,” Jaehyun returns before he hangs up the phone. 

It hurts, but not as bad as it once did. Jaehyun can still function, can go through the routine of his evening, take a shower and get changed and curl up in bed, stare out at the lonely city lights as he hears Doyoung shuffle around their bedroom. 

He waits for Doyoung to come to bed, waits until Doyoung’s back is pressed to his chest, his arms are around him and his lips press a kiss to the back of his neck, before he closes his eyes and allows himself to sleep.

**FEBRUARY 2018**

Jaehyun’s running late by the time he shows up to dinner, Yuta’s head bowed over his phone. He still looks happy to see him, looking up and smiling at Jaehyun when he takes a seat.

“Sorry,” he apologises, putting his phone down on the table, “traffic was bad and work was running late.” 

“No worries,” Yuta says, “ordered you some tea, green tea right?” 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun agrees, eager to get a nice hot beverage to warm up from the cold outside, “thanks.” 

“How’s Mercedes?” Yuta asks, cutting straight to the chase. 

It hasn’t changed, the way Yuta talks to him - except everything else is different. 

Mercedes is good, it’s everything Jaehyun has ever dreamed of and every morning when he gets to work he asks himself how he got this lucky. His car is the best thing he’s ever driven, so light to touch yet quick to react and every driver’s wet dream. He can spend hours with Baekhyun musing on and on about how good she is, how she’s _just_ right in ways no other car will ever be. Each time he gets to drive it, he’s confident that it’s the best drive he’s ever pulled off. 

So far there’s nothing bad Jaehyun can say about the rest of Mercedes. 

They’re kinder, more lenient with time off and Jaehyun’s never made it home in time for dinner quite as many times as this year. They’re good to Doyoung too, putting him back in his old familiar tracksuit that he’s missed so much. Doyoung doesn’t get technical about the car, but sometimes he can’t help but ask Jaehyun questions about it and Jaehyun will laugh but be free to answer all his curiosity. 

Taeil is happy with him - happy _for_ him, constantly showering him in praise he gets from the higher ups. The years of hard work he’s put in for Jaehyun have finally come to show, and Taeil loves to brag about that. 

The few tests drives he’s had with his team, practising for the on-site routines at actual races have been good. There’s only one hitch, that’s Taeyong. 

It seems to be completely one sided, as Taeyong has no problem working with Jaehyun, instead proving the opposite with the way he brings Jaehyun coffee with little sweets that don’t fit into his diet. 

Perhaps it’s not even one-sided, perhaps he’s just making it up. He hasn’t found an actual reason not to like Taeyong, other than that he’s annoying. 

Annoying, because Taeyong is quick - quicker than Jaehyun. 

The calculations and predictions that Yuta liked to think out loud, that Jaehyun filled in the blanks for - they’re all Taeyong’s now, rambling on and on about every little detail Jaehyun needs to know. It frustrates him because he’s good, _great_ at his job and Jaehyun can’t fault him for anything. 

It’s not even that he’s haughty or impersonal. He adds little laughs, chuckles or surprised noises - little _oof_ ’s when Jaehyun cuts something a little too close. He’s like a whole soundboard and it’s cheerful, so he can’t fault Taeyong for that either.

There’s just _something_ , and whatever that something was is becoming less and less important to him now that he realises how good Taeyong is at what he does. 

“Mercedes is good,” Jaehyun says, “they have better coffee. And better apartments.” 

“You live in a penthouse suite,” Yuta points out.

“Right,” Jaehyun says. He doesn’t actually have any firsthand experience with them, but Donghyuck loves to talk about the on-site housing and the fantastic housekeeping they have. “Well, you don’t live in those cardboard boxes anymore either.” 

“Sicheng and I moved, actually,” Yuta explains. “Just something closer to the airport, no rooftop hot tub.” 

“You’re not thinking of getting your own place?” 

Yuta shrugs. 

“Not really, Sicheng cooks and I can clean. It’s good to have each other,” Yuta says. 

“But you're not…” Jaehyun says, daring to ask now that he doesn’t have to see them every day.

“No, god no,” Yuta says, actually grimacing. “No way, Sicheng’s a good friend, but I don’t…” 

Yuta trails off, stirring through his tea. 

“You two look close,” Jaehyun says, gently threading on the question he’s been wanting to ask for years.

“Sicheng’s just not the kind of person I’m in into.”

“Right, got it,” Jaehyun says, suddenly feeling shy for asking. 

“Your own love life is so boring you're digging into mine now?” Yuta asks. Jaehyun snorts.

“It’s not boring,” Jaehyun says. It’s comforting, perhaps not the word one should use for a relationship - but Doyoung is his rock, and he couldn’t do any of this without him. “My honeymoon was great, thanks for asking.” 

“I bet it was - lots of boring married sex?” 

“Not a chance,” Jaehyun laughs. “I’m serious, if you ever need a romantic destination, Hawaii is fantastic.” 

“Sure, I’ll just drop half my paycheck on a foreign exotic destination.” 

“We flew _coach,_ ” Jaehyun points out.

“Oh the horror - are you alright?” Yuta laughs.

Jaehyun was surprised when Yuta messaged him a couple days ago, asking if he had time to meet up. They didn’t exactly leave things well, that last lunch they shared leaving Jaehyun with an inexplicable empty feeling. 

Yuta hadn’t even congratulated him on his marriage _or_ his honeymoon, and he feels like he’s just now informing Yuta of it. 

Still, Yuta had been the one to contact him, to reach out and to try and lap things up. 

“Thanks for meeting me,” Jaehyun says a little later, after they’ve finished dinner and he’s sipping through the last of his tea. 

“Of course,” Yuta says. “It’s not like we’re all hostile now that you’re suddenly sleeping with the enemy.” 

Jaehyun laughs, thankful to have Yuta’s gentle teasing back.

“I’m still sorry about the way things went, I never meant to upset you,” Jaehyun apologises, still feeling like he did something wrong along the way. 

He knows there’s no way he can please everyone, and that racing oftentimes means you have to be selfish, but it’s not something he wishes to take out on Yuta. 

“We’re fine, Jaehyun,” Yuta says, the way he calls Jaehyun’s name sounds comforting. 

“Cool,” Jaehyun says. “How’s Yukhei?” 

Yuta looks conflicted for a second, like there’s something else at the top of his tongue, but then he starts talking about their new driver and all is forgotten. 

**MARCH 2018**

“How does it feel?” Donghyuck asks, zipping up the last bit of his tracksuit.

Jaehyun tests it out, stretching his arms out in front of him. It sits snug on his waist, tight on his chest but has just the right amount of leniency for him to stretch his arms.

“Feels good,” Jaehyun says, looking at himself in the mirror. 

“Great!” Donghyuck says, clapping his hands cheerfully. “The black is so much nicer, and the sponsor logos here are very subtle. I love it.” 

He puts a cap on Jaehyun’s head, settling it after twisting it some. 

“There you go, perfect,” Donghyuck says, leaning up on his toes to pat Jaehyun’s head. “Wait - you’re forgetting the gloves.” 

“It’s just a debrief,” Jaehyun rolls his eyes.

“It’s for the pictures,” Donghyuck corrects him, and god he’s missed someone like Donghyuck ordering him around, paying attention to detail and ensuring he doesn’t make mistakes. 

He takes Jaehyun's hand, sliding on one glove, stopping when he reaches for the other. 

“Oh,” Donghyuck says, turning the ring on Jaehyun’s finger over in his hand. 

“What?”

“You can’t wear this underneath,” he says. 

Jaehyun freezes, looking down at his ring. 

“I can hold onto it for you,” Taeyong offers suddenly. He’s been watching the whole ordeal between them, and chooses this exact moment to speak up. 

Seemingly Jaehyun isn’t the only one who feels uneasy under it, as Jungwoo clears his throat and steps up to him, sweeping everything under the rug.

“Here,” Jungwoo says, holding up a small gold chain, “wear it around your neck, under the suit. Plenty of drivers do it.” 

Jungwoo fastens the necklace around Jaehyun’s neck, and Jaehyun watches it drop down into his tracksuit between his collarbones. It feels safer - a better alternative to Taeyong’s offer. 

“Thank you,” he says. 

“Gold doesn’t go with this suit - I’ll get you a silver chain for next time. Thank you Jungwoo,” Donghyuck concludes, adjusting the chain to his own liking. 

At this point Jaehyun has reduced the source of hostility to Taeyong and Doyoung’s friendship. Something is off there - it could explain the way he catches Taeyong staring at him from across the room every now and then. 

They don’t talk as much - Taeyong hasn't stopped by their house in weeks, and he knows Doyoung doesn’t talk to him much on the phone either, as nowadays he’s either with Taeyong or Doyoung which leaves no time for them to talk.

Still - Taeyong is a professional, and during their practise sessions, when it really comes down to it and Jaehyun needs to trust Taeyong, it doesn’t show. He figures the rest is just growing pains, something they’ll work out as they grow used to working together. 

The debrief is short and uninteresting, no news that Jaehyun doesn’t know about yet. Being with Mercedes means he’s at the front of the line for information, and the briefing becomes more of a social gathering.

It’s still strange without Ten - but his absence isn’t as pressing anymore. Now that Jaehyun’s _the_ person of interest for the season, he isn’t left alone enough to dwell on it.

After the press photos, the blinding cameras and the infinite forceful smiles he stays back with Jungwoo and Taeyong. They’re planning to look over some minor details together. Jungwoo is out getting them something to drink, so Jaehyun and Taeyong sit by the pit wall together.

“Is Doyoung not coming out today?” Taeyong tries in lieu of any small talk they’re incapable of making.

Jaehyun frowns, an uneasy shiver rushing down his spine at the mention of Doyoung coming out of Taeyong’s mouth. 

“I don’t know - he’s working today, so I don’t think so,” Jaehyun explains, trying to remain kind about it. If Taeyong earnestly wanted to know how Doyoung was doing, he could text him. 

If he just wanted to fill out the silence - then _any_ other topic would have sufficed. 

“You’re his husband, shouldn’t you know?” 

“I am his husband not his _keeper_ ,” Jaehyun bites out, but it’s mild compared to the rage coiling under his skin. Taeyong still looks surprised by the jab, his big round eyes filling with shame. 

“Of course, sorry - I just thought he’d be here, first race and all,” Taeyong says nervously.

Jungwoo chooses that moment to return, holding a tray with drinks in his hands, successfully silencing both Taeyong and Jaehyun from any further brawl. 

“Green tea, right?” Jungwoo asks, carefully scooting a plastic cup over to Jaehyun. 

It’s late, the lights dim as they hang above them. Still it’s warm in the Melbourne late summer heat, allowing them to sit outside in the unusual stillness of the pit. 

Thankfully Taeyong shuts up about Doyoung, and they work out the last of the details before Jaehyun’s free training tomorrow. 

When Jungwoo yawns and leans back in his seat Jaehyun checks the time on his phone, seeing that it’s a little after eleven in the evening, much later than he’d hoped on going home. There’s a text message from Doyoung asking where he is, admittedly a little later than he usually gets home.

They agree to wrap things up, retiring for the night and heading back to the hotel. Jaehyun feels relieved to finally say goodbye to them, aching to get up to his hotel room and see Doyoung. 

∆

Jaehyun’s first race as a Mercedes driver is nothing short of fantastic. 

It’s what a younger Jaehyun always dreamed of, a car so sound it does everything he asks for and a little more. It’s Ten’s words ingrained in the back of his mind, telling him the only variable left is _him_. It’s how powerful he feels with every millimetre of asphalt that goes under his wheels. It’s the _liberation_ he feels when the car just gives and gives, never telling him to hold back, and he can take anything he wants, never having to give in return. It’s Mark’s face by his right front tire those 2.8 seconds of his pit stop. It’s the way Taeyong tells him to go for the boldest take-overs he’s ever had. 

Everything about it is exactly what Jaehyun envisioned being at the top would be like. 

He finishes second, but it’s a close call, asking a lot from Baekhyun even during their first race as teammates. Baekhyun’s undeniably comfortable under all of it, telling Jaehyun he did well when they pass each other on the way to the podium ceremony. 

On his way there he sees Doyoung too, standing with Mark as they wave at him. 

Their eyes lock for just a moment, but it lingers in the back of his mind all the way to the stage, warm and confident. 

In moments like these where the happiness is so limitless, so abundant - he’s foolishly convinced it will never stop. It’s dangerous, the same excitement he felt as a rookie when he was just chasing bigger names - except now tenfold, fueled by _being_ one of the bigger names. 

It’s the familiar thrill of the chase that he loves so much, filling all the ridges of doubt in him. Moments like this, no matter how hard he thinks about it he can’t find it in him to doubt himself. 

Celebrating the first win of the season is done like all the Mercedes celebrations he’s been to. Jaehyun suspects they have these parties planned in advance, the worst thing that could happen is that they have to call it off one night. Tonight is not one of those nights, Baekhyun and Jaehyun welcomed like heroes at a fine dining restaurant that very same evening.

Jaehyun doesn’t remember who he talks to that evening, a blur of faces and people that want to chat with him, take pictures with him or get their phone autographed. He does everything without hesitation, happy but most of all grateful that he finally gets to do this exclusively on his terms - that he can search Doyoung’s eyes out in the crowd every now and then, a gentle reminder that he’s there for him too. 

It’s how he ends the evening, with Doyoung, pleasantly buzzed as he heads back to their hotel room, leaning against his side as they wait for the elevator.

“Remember our first kiss?” Jaehyun asks, nodding at the elevator they’re waiting for.

Doyoung laughs, a small blush covering his cheeks. “Yeah, I remember.” 

“Wanna do that again?” Jaehyun asks, smirking as he grabs Doyoung’s hand and pulls him into the elevator with him. 

They don’t kiss like that first time, too good at it now to act shy about it. 

Jaehyun pins Doyoung against the wall, stealing his lips in a searing kiss. The fifteen seconds up to the top floor don’t allow for much, but Jaehyun spends every second of it tasting Doyoung, urgently licking into Doyoung’s mouth as he presses him up against the wall. The button of Doyoung’s suit jacket digs into Jaehyun’s skin, a perfect sharp sting that has him gasping back into his mouth just before the elevator _dings_ and they arrive on their floor. 

Instead of parting ways like they’d done that first time, leaving Jaehyun with a profuse amount of need, they return to their hotel room together. 

Jaehyun is restless as he stands by the door, waiting for Doyoung to get the key card out of the inside pocket of his suit jacket, eventually opening the door and letting the two of them inside. Jaehyun’s patience wears out right there, grabbing Doyoung’s shoulders and walking him right back to the bed until he falls back against it, taking Jaehyun with him. 

The sound of the door falling shut rings in the back of his mind as he pushes Doyoung’s jacket off his shoulders, eager hands getting to work on the buttons of his shirt. 

As he kisses Doyoung he hears the sound of his phone in the pocket of his jacket on the floor somewhere. He ignores it in favour of Doyoung’s attention, but when that starts to falter and Doyoung pulls away to lean up, looking over Jaehyun’s shoulder to see where the sound is coming from, Jaehyun curses to himself in defeat and gets up to grab his jacket. 

He gets his phone out, thinking whoever it is better have a damn good reason for calling at two a.m. 

When he sees Kun’s name on the display his heart sinks. Kun knows very well to check the timezone before he calls Jaehyun, and only ever calls if there’s something he needs to share. The fact that he’s calling at this hour says enough.

Jaehyun holds his breath when he answers the phone.

“Jaehyun,” Kun says shortly, “it’s Ten.” 

Jaehyun sucks in a sharp breath, bracing for the next words coming out of Kun’s mouth, preparing for everything to crumble around him. 

“It’s Ten he’s-” Kun cuts himself short, stuttering over the words. 

He doesn’t sound broken, nothing like the hurt Jaehyun’s bracing himself for, and Jaehyun feels something else - _hope_. 

Kun clears his throat, clearly just as overwhelmed. 

“Ten is awake.” 

∆

“This is the _second_ time I’m flying coach with you and it’s quite possibly worse than the previous time,” Doyoung bites out as he awkwardly leans over Jaehyun, trying to get something out of the luggage they’ve stowed overhead. 

“I thought coming back to Mercedes meant my old privileges back, yet here we are,” Doyoung sighs, putting his hands on his hips as he stares at his half open suitcase.

Here they are, the very first possible flight back from Melbourne, regrettably only offering coach seats at such short notice. It’s much like their honeymoon, a last minute decision - except Jaehyun feels _nothing_ like that. 

Nothing was peaceful about the way they packed their bags last night, Jaehyun on the phone with Taeil until four a.m. to clear his schedule and rearrange petty things to create room for Ten. It’s almost a twenty-four hour flight back, something they hadn’t planned for - something they would have to arrange for. 

Of course Jaehyun doesn’t travel alone, he doesn’t go anywhere with the mental support of Doyoung in his pocket, so that puts the two of them on the first plane out at six p.m. 

“I forgot to put my neck pillow in my cabin luggage,” Doyoung says defeatedly, slumping back against his seat. 

Jaehyun folds the armrest between them up, sinking down a little in his chair until his knees press into the seat in front of him. Doyoung takes the invitation, resting his head on Jaehyun’s shoulder. 

Jaehyun nervously tugs on the sleeves of his sweater, but Doyoung takes his hands, stilling them with a supportive squeeze. 

“Don’t be nervous,” he says - but Jaehyun can’t _help_ it, how his heart races at the idea that Ten is awake. 

He doesn’t know much, not much more than Kun had told him last night. 

Ten had opened his eyes, looked one of the nurses in the eyes and scared the living daylight out of her. She’d called the doctor, who had examined Ten and concluded that he was regaining consciousness.

It was a gradual process, slipping back and forth between awake and half asleep. By the time Kun arrived at the hospital his eyes had already slipped shut again, blissfully unaware of everything going on around him. 

They’d taken him for some tests, the doctor speaking to Kun in between. Although Kun had relayed the conversation word for word, Jaehyun still didn’t understand much. All he gathered was that Ten was awake, responsive, and that he seemed to remember who he was, and that with some explanation he could make sense of where he was. 

But it was enough, enough for Doyoung to get up while Jaehyun was still on the phone and start packing their bags - and that had made it all the more real for Jaehyun, clicking the pieces in his head into place. 

Ten is awake and they are dropping everything to see him. 

Nervous was an understatement, because he had no idea _what_ he would be coming back to. Even if Kun had sounded optimistic over the phone and he had every right to be, he was scared of getting his hopes up. 

He didn’t believe he would be coming back to the same Ten he left months ago. 

“Seriously, you’re allowed to be happy, baby,” Doyoung murmurs into his ear, in the little privacy they’ve created between them in the two airplane chairs. 

But it’s not that easy. 

Jaehyun was happy - he was having one of the best evenings he’s had in a long time, happy about his race, happy about his new team, thankful to have Doyoung by his side in all that. 

He was happy, and all it took was one phone call to turn everything around. 

It’s another thing he doesn’t have control over, it’s something that makes an uneasiness pop in his chest, happy as he may be it’s pulling the rug on him again.

“I am,” afraid that anything else he says will be the wrong thing. 

He can’t explain why he’s not _just_ happy, why there’s still that nervous hinge to him, bordering on anxious as he thinks about how badly his schedule is fucked now that he’s taking a few unsolicited days of leave. 

Taeil would tell his new team the next morning why he wasn’t at breakfast, why he would be days late to set up in Bahrain, why he wouldn’t be where he needed to be with them. He would explain what could possibly be more important than Jaehyun’s career, and he could only hope that they understood. 

“Don’t think too much,” Doyoung says, reaching up to run his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair. His nails scratch over his scalp, a satisfied tingle settling through Jaehyun’s spine, “that’s what I’m here for.” 

Jaehyun knows that, smiling softly when Doyoung's fingers slot between his as if to confirm it.

He sleeps most of the flight, only because his body is so physically tired he can’t keep his eyes open. While they’re airborne there’s no news, and even with a layover in Amsterdam there’s not much they can do but call Kun, going straight to voicemail as he likely has better things on his mind right now. 

Instead Jaehyun had to suffer all the way until they arrived at the care facility, practically sprinting the steps into the building. 

Kun meets them outside Ten’s room, standing there anxiously with his hands in his pockets, eyes trained on the floor. 

“Jaehyun!” He says, a sound of relief escaping him. 

“How is he?” Jaehyun asks.

“He’s good he’s…” Kun trails off, sniffing happily, “he was awake, and he remembered me, we _talked_. I can’t believe it, it feels so surreal.”

“What did the doctors say?” Doyoung asks. 

“There’s a chance of memory loss, and that he’s weak. He’s going to need time to recover physically. They don’t know yet, but the doctor says it’s promising.” 

_Promising._

They haven’t heard that one before. From critical but stable to sparsely hopefully to _promising_. Jaehyun had lived with _hopeful_ for months, and it was finally coming to an end. 

“So he’ll make a full recovery?” Doyoung clarifies.

“They think so, yes,” Kun says it so quietly, like he’s still afraid to believe it himself.

“Mr. Qian,” a nurse calls from Ten’s room, “he’s awake again, he’s asking for you.” 

He’s awake. 

Again. 

Jaehyun still can’t believe it, but he nods at Kun, as if to tell him to go on. 

He watches Kun leave, telling himself to stay put and not follow him into Ten’s room. He knows Ten might not be able to see them right now, that visitors are too much when he’s in such a state of consciousness. 

But just knowing he’s awake on the other side of this wall has Jaehyun’s heart thrumming in his chest. 

Kun appears in the doorway again, waving Jaehyun in. 

“I told him you’re here, and he’s feeling good - so he wants to see you,” Kun says. 

Jaehyun looks at Doyoung in panic, uncertain how to respond. He wants to see Ten, but now that it’s offered to him, it’s suddenly very close and very real. 

What would he even say to Ten? Would he be able to say _anything_ at all?

“Go on,” Doyoung’s voice draws him out of it, gesturing at the door. 

It’s the little push he needs to go inside. 

He tells himself to have no expectations, that Ten is weak and still bed bound, unable to move or sit properly. He thinks of all the worst case scenarios in which Ten comes back a weak fragment of his past self, everything that being _hopeful_ has meant, that he didn’t dare hope for. 

But he’s wrong. 

Ten is sitting up in bed, hands resting in his lap as he leans back against the pillows stacked behind him to create a good headrest. 

“Jaehyun,” he says, voice meek and timid but the smile on his lips so undeniably real and _Ten_.

It’s him, and he’s real and he’s awake and he’s sitting right here calling Jaehyun’s name. Jaehyun considers pinching himself to ensure he’s not dreaming. 

“Ten,” he breathes, taking a few steps closer towards Ten’s bed, “you’re awake.” 

Ten nods slowly, a certain strain to the way he cranes his neck. 

“How…” Jaehyun tries, looking at Ten in bewilderment as he tries to find words. He’s still not convinced it’s real, the setting almost too perfect to not be taken out of a dream. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I slept for 10 months,” Ten says lightly. 

It’s the most _him_ thing to say, and Jaehyun breaks. 

He makes it a few more steps to the chair by his bedside, but he slumps down on it, falling forward against Ten’s bed and crying on his folded arms. 

It’s so surreal, Ten is back - he’s talking and he’s joking and he’s his own snarky self. 

Jaehyun can’t do anything but cry. 

“I’ve missed you,” he tries, craning up his neck to look Ten in the eyes. “God, I’ve missed you so much, _so much_ , you don’t even know how much I’ve missed you…” 

“Jaehyunnie…” Ten says, and it’s just the right thing to say that has Jaehyun sobbing again. He tries to get his breathing under control, really didn’t plan on _crying_ when he finally got to see Ten again, but it’s hitting him so much harder than he thought it would. 

For all the nights he’s been awake thinking about Ten, scolding himself for having _hope_ that he would ever get to see him again - that’s all coming down to this. The loss he’s already mourned is suddenly no longer that, but right in front of him again, and as much as it’s surreal it also feels like the best gift he’s ever received. 

“I’ve missed you,” he says again, this time a little more coherently. 

He can’t even begin to convey to Ten how much he’s missed him, how much he’s needed him in the last few months. 

“Wish I could say the same,” Ten teases, laughing a little. 

The laugh comes with great exhaustion, coughing quietly.

It’s just one more thing that makes him feel like this truly is the person he’s missed for so many months, and Jaehyun wipes at his eyes to try and stifle the waterworks. 

“Kun told me you got married.” 

Jaehyun can’t help the smile on his face as he’s looking down at his ring, even through his tears. 

“Yeah, I did,” he agrees.

“Without me, you _traitor_ ,” Ten croaks, and Jaehyun can’t help himself. 

The last breath of coherency escapes him before he starts crying again. 

He reaches out for Ten’s hand, holding it as he sobs into the mattress, an overwhelmed and snotty kind of crying that he’ll deny when Ten teases him about it later. Still, there’s nowhere else for his feelings to go, so relieved that he finally has his best friend back, that Ten is finally saying all those things he longed to hear for so long. 

“I wanna pat you on the head but my IV doesn’t reach that far,” Ten says, and Jaehyun laughs through his tears, shaking his head to himself as he looks back up at Ten. He needs to make sure it’s real again, ingrain the image into his mind - this Ten, one that’s smiling at him and teasing him, that’s the Ten he wants to remember. 

“I missed you,” Jaehyun says again. 

“You’ve said that a couple times now, sap,” Ten says, coughing a little over his words. 

“Everything okay?” 

Kun peaks around the doorway, likely summoned by Ten’s coughing. 

“Fine,” Ten says, nodding at him.

“The nurse told you to go easy on your voice these first few days,” Kun points out, stepping into the room. 

Doyoung’s trailing behind him, nodding at Ten when he sees him.

“Doyoung,” Ten greets him. 

“Good to see you,” Doyoung returns, and Jaehyun could cry all over again. It seems so familiar, so comfortable the way Doyoung and Ten slip into that dynamic again. 

“Kun wouldn’t tell me where you were coming from just now,” Ten says. 

“It’s better if you don’t know,” Jaehyun responds. 

“It’s March right? Don’t tell me you left Melbourne for this,” Ten says, shaking his head at Jaehyun in disbelief. He coughs again, a little louder this time - enough to alert Kun to step up to his bedside and hand him the water bottle with a straw. 

“Don’t talk too much,” Kun tells him when he hands the water bottle back. 

Jaehyun hears Doyoung laugh, stepping up to stand behind Jaehyun, putting his hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder. 

“I’ve had months of your monologues,” Ten complains, “I need to _talk_.” 

Ten proves his point by coughing over his words, Kun patting on his back gently while muttering something under his breath. 

“Take it easy, alright?” Kun tells him. 

“Fine,” Ten complains, rolling his eyes as he turns back to Jaehyun. “Well my personal _nurse_ is telling me to shut up, so tell me what I’ve missed.” 

“I’m afraid that will have to wait,” the nurse announces. “Ten really needs to get his rest in.”

Ten whines in protest, grimacing at the nurse. 

“You can stay, Mr. Qian, this many visitors isn’t a good idea so early on.” 

Jaehyun gets up, turning to Doyoung and searching his hand out. He’s still a little light headed from all the crying.

“You’re welcome back tomorrow,” the nurse explains. 

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow then,” Jaehyun tells Ten. It’s weird to say it, _see you tomorrow_ , even weirder to see Ten smiling back at him and waving as they head out the door. 

When it’s just him and Doyoung outside of Ten’s room, it all comes down and Jaehyun throws his arms around Doyoung’s neck to cry again. Doyoung strokes his back, soothing Jaehyun as he cries into his neck. It’s a cry of relief, so happy to finally have Ten back, that the weight of it has been lifted off his shoulders. 

Jaehyun gets himself together eventually, gathering enough strength to pull away from Doyoung. 

“I need to call Mark,” he says, remembering the text Mark sent him, promising that he’d call. 

“It’s like, six in the morning there right now,” Doyoung points out. 

It’s been a whole day since they left, so Mark must have somehow found out about the news, but he’s not _here_ , he doesn’t get to feel the relief and happiness the way Jaehyun does, and that feels wrong.

“He’ll be happy to hear it,” Jaehyun says, deciding against Doyoung’s advice and opening up his phone. 

He doesn’t hesitate to dial Mark’s phone number, waiting out the rings until Mark finally comes to the phone.

“Hello?” He asks, voice slurred and drowsy. 

Perhaps Doyoung had been right, and six a.m. wasn’t a suitable time to call. 

“Hey,” Jaehyun says, “I just talked to Ten.”

“Oh shit,” Mark curses, his voice surprised as Jaehyun hears some muffled sounds in the background. “You did? How is he? Can he talk?” 

“Oh yeah, he can definitely talk,” Jaehyun says, laughing to himself. “He talked so much that they told him to shut up because he needs to rest.” 

“Did he look okay?” Mark asks, and Jaehyun gets it - the disbelief. 

He would’ve been the same if he had been on the other end of the line, unable to see Ten but just hearing it from someone else. 

“He looks fine,” Jaehyun assures him. “They say he’s going to be fine.” 

“Fuck, I can’t believe it,” Mark says, a soft gasp following his words. “I really thought we’d lost him, y’know? He looked so _hopeless_.” 

“I know,” Jaehyun says, “but he’s back. He’ll be back. He’ll be fine.” 

“Thank god,” Mark says, sighing deeply. “I’m going to wake Donghyuck and tell him, he’ll be thrilled,” Mark mumbles, giggling. “Thank you for calling.” 

“No worries. Tell Donghyuck I said hi - I doubt he’ll care,” Jaehyun says, before he hangs up the phone, a sigh of relief escaping his chest. 

It’s the one phone call he’d been longing to make, to tell Mark, too, that it’s all going to be fine. He believes it now when he says it, especially after witnessing Ten in that hospital bed, no longer the lifeless ghost of himself that he’d become used to seeing. 

Doyoung drives them back to the hotel. Jaehyun doesn’t feel comfortable when he’s not driving stick shift, and they had nothing else available for rent at the airport - leaving it up to Doyoung instead. 

When they arrive back at the hotel, Jaehyun feels all the exhaustion from their hectic last twenty-four hours catch up with him, falling down on the made bed with a depleted sigh. 

“Get up,” Doyoung says, nudging at his side. “You need a shower. We have to eat before we sleep, I’m starving - and this is your after race night, you need to eat lots of protein.” 

Jaehyun rolls his eyes, Doyoung ever so adamant about making sure he sticks to his routines. 

“You sound like Taeil,” he complains, but gets up nonetheless, Doyoung’s threatening gaze telling him enough. 

“I would hope Taeil doesn’t kiss you like this,” Doyoung says, pulling Jaehyun in for a short kiss. It’s full of happiness and relief, kissing Doyoung with the same light floaty feeling that’s been settling in his chest for the last few hours. 

They eat room service in bed, something that feels a little nostalgic since they haven’t done it in a while. After they shower and Jaehyun feels a little bit less like he just spent a whole day on a plane, Jaehyun cuddles up to him in bed, sighing contently as he rests his head on Doyoung’s chest. 

The adrenaline of seeing Ten again has finally worn off, leaving him a little drowsy as he curls up against Doyoung’s side.

“Thank you,” Jaehyun says again, the kind of loaded thank you that he’d wanted to say back at the hospital. “I couldn’t do all of this without you,” Doyoung is ready to say something, dismiss just how grateful Jaehyun really is. 

“Jaehyun, you-”

“Hush,” he says, looking up at him with a pointed gaze. “Can you just let me be thankful for a while?” 

Doyoung purses his lips, clearly not happy about his predicament, but let’s Jaehyun speak nonetheless.

“I don’t think I say it enough, but I’m so thankful, everything you do for me is so boundless, like you didn’t even think twice about it last night. You were on your feet before I was.”

Just like asking Ten to stay quiet, asking Doyoung to let him speak is quite the challenge. Jaehyun can see his hand sinking into the sheets, probably eager to say something to that. 

“So thank you,” Jaehyun says again, putting one hand on Doyoung’s shoulder to pull himself up far enough to kiss him. 

Doyoung hums against his lips, hand finding Jaehyun's waist to pull him a little closer, their bodies sliding together until Jaehyun fits right in Doyoung’s lap. 

“Can I say something now?” Doyoung asks, hands trailing down from Jaehyun’s waist to his thighs, softly rubbing his hand up and down.

“You can try,” Jaehyun says, chuckling. 

“You deserve the world, Jaehyun,” Doyoung says, punching the breath right out of his chest. 

He looks down at Doyoung a little helplessly. 

He should know by now that there’s nothing he can say that Doyoung won’t one-up him on, always leaving him the upper hand, even in moments like these. 

It works, because Jaehyun doesn’t like to talk - he _feels_ everything and he thinks it over in his head and _hopes_ Doyoung can feel it too. Doyoung’s the one that says it out loud, and Jaehyun can only be overwhelmed by it, this time no different. 

When they’re like this, just them, so bare and stripped down of everything around them, Jaehyun fools himself into thinking they’re just two people in love. He believes there are no responsibilities or matters they have to tend to, they can just be Doyoung and Jaehyun. 

It makes it so much easier for him to bare his heart, to let Doyoung see through all the layers. It still doesn’t go without a hitch, Jaehyun always afraid that at some point it becomes too much, that he’ll ask too much of Doyoung and that there will be a _no_ at the end of the line. 

Still, Doyoung has never done something to indicate that, and every time Jaehyun feels like it’s _too much_ , he talks and asks him about it and finds himself like this, so incredibly _loved_ as Doyoung looks at him. 

He breathes shakily as he leans down, feeling Doyoung’s hands slide up his sides, over his back until his one hand cups his neck, teasing the little hairs at the nape. He presses their lips together, just a shy little nip as Jaehyun’s heart hammers in his chest, tingling feeling searing all the way to his fingertips. 

“I love you,” he says against Doyoung’s mouth. 

Doyoung kisses him again, a soft push and pull until their breath runs out and he pulls away with a gasp.

“I love you too,” Doyoung says. 

∆

He gets some privacy with Ten the next day. It’s just an hour, nowhere near enough, but that’s all the vocal cords Ten can spare him. It’s a nice day, the sun peeking up from behind the clouds. 

Ten can’t walk yet, so the nurse sets his wheelchair down on a small little patio, overlooking the forest, giving them a moment to talk over a cup of coffee. Ten can’t drink caffeine yet, eyeing Jaehyun’s coffee as he sips his own water. 

“So,” Ten says, smiling at Jaehyun. 

He’d noticed it yesterday, that Ten smiles a lot more than what he remembered. Perhaps because he wasn’t able to for so long, it comes easier to him - like he has a lot to make up for. 

Jaehyun thinks it looks good on him, so he too is smiling - happy to see it. 

“So,” Jaehyun mimics. 

“Tell me about… everything,” Ten says, making a vague hand gesture. 

“Well. I got married,” Jaehyun says, pointing at the wedding ring demonstratively. “And I’m with Mercedes now - I guess the only way to avoid that news would be to be in a coma.” 

“Kun told me,” Ten says, nodding. “Proud of you. Did you win Melbourne?” 

“No,” Jaehyun says, shaking his head. “But I was close.”

“Mmmh, I bet you were,” Ten laughs with him. “How was it?”

“Great, the car is… so good, _everything_ I’ve ever wanted. And they’re good to me, better conditions, more time off - they’re good to Doyoung too. He likes it better.” 

“What about Taeyong, what’s working with him like?” 

Jaehyun shrugs. “It’s okay, he’s good at what he does. We work well together.”

“Really?” Ten sounds genuinely surprised, like he hadn’t expected Taeyong and Jaehyun to get along. “That can’t be easy, given Taeyong’s history with Doyoung.”

“What?” Jaehyun asks, frowning as he narrows his eyes down on Ten. “What do you mean by their history?” 

“You don’t… know?” Ten offers questioningly, his smile growing uncomfortable as he looks away. 

“What?” Jaehyun demands again, a little antsier. 

“Oh Jaehyun,” Ten laughs, shaking his head to himself. “Well, Taeyong’s in love with Doyoung - since well… like, practically _forever_.”

And that’s it. 

That’s what Jaehyun’s been missing. 

That’s why every time he talks to Taeyong something feels _forced_ , bordering painful. 

That’s why he can’t stand it when Taeyong comes over, when Doyoung mentions Taeyong, or why his heart had plummeted at the thought of Taeyong holding onto his wedding ring for him. It’s why they don’t hang out with Doyoung’s friends, it’s why Taeyong looks at him with those big eyes like he’s done something wrong - it’s why Jaehyun always feels like there’s a catch, that Taeyong is good _but_.

But _this_. 

“I didn’t know,” Jaehyun stammers out, exhaling defeatedly. “I…” he tries, but words come short, everything clicking into place in his head yet somehow making it worse. 

“He doesn’t hide it very well,” Ten says. 

And yeah, Jaehyun knows that now too. Taeyong is downright awful at hiding it, except Jaehyun hadn’t known what _it_ was, not until now - and now he’s pretty sure he’s _fuming_. 

He sits back in his chair, running his hands through his hair as he stares ahead. He can’t believe that _this_ is what dangles between Taeyong and Jaehyun, this is why they can’t hold a normal conversation or why Jaehyun can’t talk to him without finding something to be annoyed with. 

Deep down inside he thinks maybe he’s known that all along, but he never thought it would be this concrete, something even Ten knows. 

“How did you know?” Jaehyun asks, just to be sure.

“What? About Taeyong?” Ten rests his hands in his lap, looking at them nervously. “Doyoung told me.”

“ _What?_ ” 

“He told me when we were still working together. Taeyong confessed his feelings to him, like, _three times_ , and eventually Doyoung couldn’t keep to himself about it anymore.”

When we were still working together - back when Jaehyun wasn’t around, wasn’t even in the picture. It should be far away, and yet the hostility between Jaehyun and Taeyong still comes back everyday. 

It’s something from the past, but it’s still haunting them today.

He never asked Doyoung to talk about his past. He thought he knew the most important things, how he got into racing - all the milestones in his career, but he didn’t think there was anything more to it. 

Doyoung made it sound like work was all he had, and yet now Jaehyun feels stupid for believing that. He knows better himself, knows you can’t do this alone.

“Doyoung never…?” Jaehyun asks, not sure if he wants to hear that answer. 

“Felt the same?” Ten laughs, shaking his head. “God no, that’s not - they’re not…”

Now that he has heard the answer, it does offer him some relief. He doesn’t think he would’ve been able to look at Taeyong the same if the answer had been any different, if Doyoung had a whole different past with Taeyong. 

“It wasn’t pretty, Taeyong was so upset - he considered quitting for a while,” Ten explains. 

“Well maybe he should have,” Jaehyun says on a whim of anger, clasping his hands in his lap. 

“Doyoung wasn’t very nice about it - but it’s not my story to tell, it wouldn’t be fair to them.” 

Ten is lucky they’re on limited time today, else Jaehyun would’ve sat here until he pulled the rest of the story out of Ten, anything to satisfy the reeling thoughts in his head. 

“Doyoung didn’t tell me,” Jaehyun says, squeezing his hands together. “I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.” 

Ten says nothing to this, eyeing Jaehyun sympathetically, like he _knows_ how bad it is that Doyoung didn’t tell him the truth. 

“You should talk about that,” Ten tells him, and _fuck_ Jaehyun _knows_ that is something they should talk about, something they should’ve talked long ago - perhaps at the very first mention of Taeyong, that very first time they were introduced to each other years ago. 

He also feels a little naive for not seeing it earlier, the way Taeyong looks at him so haunting it should have been obvious to him. Maybe he _did_ know and he chose to ignore it, because now he’s here with the undeniable truth and it’s so bitter he almost regrets asking. 

“But you’ll be fine,” Ten fills in for him. 

“Of course,” Jaehyun says, sighing to himself. It doesn’t feel like _fine_ is where he’s heading, but right now is not the time to talk this out, not with Ten’s state. “What about you?” 

“I get three months of physical therapy for waking up,” Ten says, scoffing, “pretty awful deal if you ask me.”

“Shut up,” Jaehyun says, “you can’t drive if you’re in a wheelchair.”

“I can’t drive ever again, Jaehyun,” Ten says. “Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I’ll ever get back the ability to concentrate like that.” 

Jaehyun had sort of expected that. 

He hadn’t believed Ten would ever return to professional racing, or ever get in a car like that again. Still there’d been some foolish hopefulness that maybe they’d be able to compete at some point, friendly if anything.

“But you don’t want to,” Jaehyun says.

“No,” Ten agrees, “look at me - do you think it’s worth it?” 

Jaehyun looks at Ten, and then he looks down at his feet. The words ring in his head, drilling on and on until he’s practically tasting them on his own lips. 

Is it worth it? Does he think it’s worth it? 

He shakes the thought off as soon as it lands, no room for anything else to torture his wandering mind, stuck at the revelations about Taeyong. 

“We’re almost out of time,” Jaehyun says, looking at his watch. 

They only have an hour, and Jaehyun only has a couple more hours before they need to be back at the airport. 

“I can video call,” Ten says, “once they let me use my phone, I’ll call you.”

“You really think I’m letting you out of my sight? Think again,” Jaehyun says, watching the nurse approach them to pick Ten up again. “It’s so good to have you back.”

“Glad to be of service,” Ten says, smiling at him. 

It’s practised and warm, a smile Jaehyun’s found so much comfort in the past years, finally back in his life. 

**APRIL 2018**

Jaehyun does not talk to Doyoung about it. 

At first he doesn’t do it because there’s no time in their schedule to have a discussion about it. 

He doesn’t want to do it in a hotel room, where everything feels foreign except for each other, and he doesn’t want to do it in a public place for obvious reasons, which doesn’t leave any opportunities to bring it up. 

It doesn’t make things any easier, because Doyoung is blissfully unaware of it. 

He doesn’t know that Jaehyun knows, and it shows in his behaviour - entirely unchanged. When Jaehyun first returns from Ten after hearing the news, he’s so furious he can barely look Doyoung in the eyes. He manages to avoid doing so for long enough to cool down, eventually finding it in himself to let it go, look Doyoung in the eyes, and say that he’s okay - there’s just a lot on his mind now that Ten’s woken up. 

Then there’s the nights. 

They don’t spend a lot of worthwhile nights together, most of them either in airplanes or in hotel rooms they barely get to see before they pass out. Still, when Jaehyun looks at the other side of the bed, watches Doyoung’s peaceful sleeping form, he thinks of that secret he’s keeping. 

It makes him _furious_ , so much sometimes that he has to get out of bed and get a glass of water, stand in the cool stillness of the bathroom for a while just to cool off, make sure he doesn’t actually reach across the bed and shake Doyoung awake to empty his heart out. 

And then there are moments where it’s not just difficult - it downright hurts. 

When Doyoung reminds him he needs to take his allergy medication, when Doyoung leaves him a cup of coffee on his nightstand in the mornings, when Doyoung texts him little encouraging messages during the day that make his heart do stupid stutters, or when Doyoung comes down just before the race just to wish him good luck. 

In those moments Jaehyun’s heart breaks a little, trying to capture how angry he should be, but how he still feels so loved under Doyoung’s caring gestures. 

It’s a painful contradiction.

The only good thing about putting it off is that he gets a better chance to think about it. That, and the front row seat to Taeyong’s misery that becomes bad daytime television. 

It’s so obvious now, how Taeyong zones out when he looks at him sometimes, how he tries his very best to be friendly and accommodating no matter how uncomfortable it makes him. 

Still, for Jaehyun it becomes easier to deal with. 

Whenever Taeyong talks to him with that timid voice echoing the heavy luggage he carries, it feels less haunting - because he knows the exact reason behind it. He’s not searching himself for what he could have possibly done wrong to cause this, because it’s Taeyong’s own fault. 

He also gets a change to observe the way Taeyong is around Doyoung. 

Out of spite he makes sure to invite Doyoung down to circuit more often, asking if he can pick him up when they’re done, just so he gets to see Taeyong’s reaction. 

It’s a little cruel, and Jaehyun would feel bad if he wasn’t so angry. 

Instead he makes sure to kiss Doyoung when he _knows_ Taeyong is watching, if only just to push and twist the knife a little more. 

Jaehyun thinks that Doyoung should perhaps be uncomfortable under that, maybe _he_ should be considerate of how much Taeyong is hurting by that, but he’s entirely unaware and happily indulges Jaehyun in everything. 

Jaehyun feels like Doyoung shouldn’t - but he’s also looking way too much into it. It goes at the expense of his focus, thinking things entirely unrelated to the race when he talks to Taeyong in the pit. 

Between all this, Jaehyun’s not sure how he manages to keep his professional appearance up, but he does. 

He wins first in Shanghai, much to Baekhyun’s annoyance, who calls him a brat followed by a plethora of praise for some of his work out there. Jaehyun just laughs, tells him he’ll get him next time, and they drink to that, even if they have an early morning flight home the next day. 

When they finally return home, their house feels empty like always. 

Even as Jaehyun unpacks their bags and gets the thin layer of dust off his nightstand, there’s still something nagging at the back of his mind. It has nothing to do with the atmosphere, but everything to do with what is _still_ in the back of his mind after weeks of churning it over and thinking of how to approach it. 

Ultimately he doesn’t even have to approach it, because it comes at him that very first night back in their apartment. 

“I’m going out with Taeyong tomorrow, there’s this bakery he’s been talking about. I should be back for dinner though,” Doyoung’s flicking through channels on the television, attention half drawn to his phone - not at all on Jaehyun, working on something on his laptop by the kitchen table. 

At the mention of Taeyong he folds it shut, looking at Doyoung. 

“Right.” 

He sets his jaw, getting to his feet, ready to abandon all work he wanted to get done tonight and retreat to his bedroom. There it is again, the _Taeyong_ that comes with terms and conditions Jaehyun struggles to hold him to. 

“What does that mean?” Doyoung tries, but there’s uncertainty to his voice that acknowledges how Jaehyun’s cause for concern is justified. 

“Ten told me,” Jaehyun says, taking a deep breath. “Actually, he asked me, he asked me what it’s like to work with Taeyong, considering _everything_.” 

“He should _not_ have,” Doyoung says. 

“Shouldn’t he? Would you have told me if he didn’t?” Jaehyun poses. Doyoung says nothing, but it’s enough of an answer for Jaehyun. “Right, you wouldn’t. You would have left me to figure out why the fuck Taeyong looks at me like that, or why it’s so uncomfortable, or why I can’t stand to be in the same room as him sometimes.”

“It doesn’t make a difference, Jaehyun. You have to work with him either way,” Doyoung starts to explain, reasoning that probably makes sense - but that Jaehyun cannot wrap his mind around. 

“I think I have a right to _know_ that the person I’m working with is such a huge part of your past,” Jaehyun says.

“Why? It’s in the past, and Taeyong is over that, he’s _fine_ ,” Doyoung tries, but he doesn’t even sound convinced of that himself. 

“He is not fine!” Jaehyun yells. “It’s uncomfortable, when he looks at me sometimes it just feels… _bad_ , like I did something wrong - and I can’t afford that at work.” 

“Taeyong is very professional. He wouldn’t do anything wrong because-”

“He’s not doing anything wrong, but you should have told me.” Jaehyun raises his voice, hating that he has to. 

“I thought it was me at first, that I was doing something wrong - that Taeyong didn’t like me because of something I did.”

“It’s not you, Jaehyun,” Doyoung says with a bitter chuckle. “Not everything is about you.” 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean? No, it’s not about me, it’s about you _and_ Taeyong, but it’s a problem for me.” 

“Oh, it’s a problem for _you_?” Doyoung scoffs. “I’m so sorry that it’s inconveniencing you that other people have feelings.”

“That is not what I meant and you know it,” Jaehyun tries, but Doyoung doesn’t listen to him. 

“How long have you known?” Is what he asks instead, like Jaehyun’s objections don’t matter, like Doyoung has decided in his head that Jaehyun’s selfish and that only _his_ feelings matter. 

“Does it matter?” Jaehyun asks, sighing. 

“Of course it matters! This has been on your mind for so long and you didn’t tell me? Were you just pretending to be fine so you wouldn’t have to tell me?” Doyoung asks. 

“There wasn’t any time to talk about this, I wanted to do this at home,” Jaehyun says, “besides - if there’s _anyone_ who waited long enough to tell me, then it’s you.”

“There’s _always_ time, Jaehyun,” Doyoung snaps. “We make time for these things, we don’t bottle them up until it comes out… like this.” 

“You’re the one that didn’t tell me-” Jaehyun starts.

“I didn’t tell you for a reason!” Doyoung says, raising his voice to cut Jaehyun off. 

Jaehyun stares at him across the room, their eyes locking. 

He holds his breath, expecting another small explosion, his heart pounding in his chest, but Doyoung goes quiet.

The entire house goes quiet, the silence so palpable it’s almost smothering. Jaehyun can’t take it, getting to his feet and leaving the living room, the door to their bedroom slamming shut behind him as he enters. 

If they continue arguing about it now, there’s no way they’ll get anywhere. 

Jaehyun doesn’t think he can accept the way Doyoung effortlessly puts the blame on him. It’s not how he expected the conversation to go, he’d hoped Doyoung would apologise for not telling him, and perhaps explain just _why_ he waited so damn long. 

Instead he makes Jaehyun feel guilty for even demanding an explanation, and that just doesn’t feel fair. It makes him even angrier, like Doyoung doesn’t even try to see things from Jaehyun’s perspective, figure out why it’s a problem for him that he has to work with Taeyong. Professional and mature as they may be, it still weighs down on them, and the tension is still there. It concerns not only Jaehyun, Taeyong and Doyoung - but the entirety of his team, and his career that is dependent on that. 

His career - which he can never afford to put on the line, but especially not for something as petty as a ghost from Doyoung’s past. 

Doyoung should know that - should know how important it is to Jaehyun, but also to himself. He quit his job to support Jaehyun in it. Maybe Jaehyun’s progress is visibly stagnant now that he is with Mercedes and it’s only a matter of time before it’s his turn - it does not mean he doesn’t have to work hard for it. 

If his progress starts declining, if he stops giving it his best for every race, that means he’ll no longer _be_ a Mercedes driver. 

They took months to take him on, but they’ll have him replaced in a heartbeat if he starts performing poorly. Jaehyun cannot afford irrelevant little incidents like Taeyong’s _feelings_ that Doyoung is trying to spare. Stepping down from this drivers seat is career suicide, and just because Mercedes make it easier for him with their lenient contracts, it does not mean driving gets any easier. It’s quite the opposite, with all the trust and money they put in Jaehyun, he feels the pressure from their expectations on his back at all times, not just at the circuit but also as a brand representative that carries a name backed by so many sponsors. 

Something stupid like drama behind the scenes is exactly what puts investors off, what would make the higher ups do a double take. They can find another five just like Jaehyun _without_ the drama of his private life - and they won’t hesitate to punish him for it. 

But Doyoung, with more years than Jaehyun in the industry, should know that. Yet he acts completely oblivious to it, like their argument isn’t about his career.

The door to their bedroom opens, Doyoung standing there awkwardly with his hands in his pockets.

“Hi,” he says stiffly, but his tone is light - nothing like the accusations they’d just thrown at each other. 

“Hey,” Jaehyun answers, equally as defeated, most of his anger dissolving when he sees Doyoung’s awkward shuffle into the room, still keeping his head down. 

“Look, Jaehyun I-” Doyoung starts, sitting down on the other end of the bed. 

“We don’t have to do this,” Jaehyun says. Doyoung looks at him, eyes wide and lips parted in surprise. “I have to be up early tomorrow.” 

“Oh so you didn’t hear a word of what I just said?” Doyoung urges, the frustration suddenly back to his tone. 

“That makes two of us then. You don’t listen to a word I say either,” Jaehyun retorts. 

Doyoung glares at him, the hopeful expression he came in with replaced with dejection. 

“Fine,” Doyoung shakes his head to himself. It’s not fine, not in any sense of the word and still Doyoung leaves it like that, getting to his feet. “If that’s what you want.” 

Jaehyun sighs, but says nothing else as he watches Doyoung go into the bathroom. He stares at the door until it opens again, Doyoung now in his sleep shirt, ready for bed. 

He wants to say something, knows he _should_ say something. 

It’s either that or he’s not going to get a wink of sleep, not with this argument burning in the back of his mind. 

Evidently he doesn’t say anything. He drags himself up into the bathroom only to get changed and brush his teeth, returning to his side of the bed a couple minutes later. Doyoung’s resting on his back, eyes closed. 

“Goodnight,” he says when he shuts off the night lamp on his bedside table. Doyoung mumbles it back unenthusiastically. 

It is not a good night. 

Jaehyun doesn’t even sleep, just lies there on his back, catching the lights from outside reflecting on their ceiling. Their bedroom is so painfully soundproofed that nothing else can be heard, except for Doyoung’s presence, his soft breathing that normally calms him down, but now reminds him of their fight.

It’s stupid, _they’re_ stupid because Doyoung isn’t getting any sleep either, Jaehyun can tell by the way he shuffles around to get more comfortable in bed every few minutes. Jaehyun’s in a similar predicament, the sheets feeling awfully clammy. 

Every corner of his pillow is laid on and warm, and he’s _still_ not asleep. 

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung says suddenly. 

Jaehyun waits out the beat of silence following it, making sure he heard that right. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun agrees, “me too.” 

“Good,” Doyoung returns. Jaehyun looks to his side, catches Doyoung looking at him. “I’m not really sorry, but I can’t sleep like this.” 

Jaehyun can’t help it, he starts laughing. 

It’s exactly what he’d felt - not sorry about what he’d said or about the fight they had, but sorry that it was keeping them awake. Doyoung laughs too, a sound miles better than the loaded silence they just had. It’s good enough for Jaehyun to finally fall asleep.

∆

They make it a challenge, of course. 

It’s their first major fight - the first one they can’t resolve by accepting each other’s differences and moving past them. It’s the first argument that won’t be resolved with time, but that they’ll have to talk through, and Jaehyun is terrified - but also annoyed.

Annoyed because every morning he goes into work, says hi to Taeyong like he _isn’t_ the reason he and Doyoung are sleeping back to back. 

So far they’ve ignored it. They’ve avoided any work related conversation, or any conversation at all that could possibly lead to the subject. 

They’re both very good at it, pretending that they’re not fighting when really they’re holding grudges and just dancing around it. So good, that at times Jaehyun comes home and promptly forgets there was an argument to begin with. 

Then Doyoung will look at him with a piercing gaze and he’ll be reminded of his place and why he hasn’t had a good night’s sleep in days. 

Days, that’s how long it’s been since they touched upon the subject. Three days of coming home, having dinner, covering mundane subjects of small talk and then going to bed early only to both struggle falling asleep.

It’s not ideal, especially not when the next Grand Prix weekend is coming up and Jaehyun needs to focus, and needs a couple of hours of sleep in order to do that. He needs a good night’s rest before they fly out, he doesn’t need nights of avoiding his husband. 

It’s eight p.m. on a Friday evening and Jaehyun is in bed reading a book. He hasn’t had time to do that in way too long, and that alone should be a sign that something still isn’t right between him and Doyoung. 

Doyoung seems to feel the same. 

“Can we talk?” 

Doyoung’s standing in the doorway, hovering with his arms crossed over his chest. It must’ve cost him a great deal of courage to come up here, so Jaehyun nods. 

Jaehyun pats the bed next to him, waiting for Doyoung to take a seat. He does so with a little apprehension, looking at Jaehyun for a moment before he finally gives in, pulling his legs up underneath him to sit down. 

“I’ll tell you about Taeyong,” Doyoung says suddenly, clearly right where they left off talking a couple nights ago, “but you can’t tell him you know. You can’t tell anyone.”

Doyoung takes a deep breath, and Jaehyun sits upright, leaning back against the headboard to get a better look at him.

“You’re right to be upset that I didn’t tell you. I should have told you, and I considered telling you but…” Doyoung bites his lip, pulling on the sleeves of his sweater. He looks so unusually small, Jaehyun feels bad for him - something he’d express if he wasn’t still burning out the last of his anger. “I didn’t tell you, because Taeyong asked me not to tell anyone, because Taeyong is still my best friend and I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I already have.” 

Doyoung’s voice softens with every word he says, until the last ones are just a whisper that make him look down at his hands with sad realisation. 

He tells him then, how he met Taeyong so long ago, how Taeyong and Ten had been his only friends back then. It’s a major part of himself that he has to recall, explaining to Jaehyun in detail how he was once shy, reserved - and insecure about just about everything he did. How could he not be when he had grown up the way he did? 

Ten was the opposite - had always been the opposite to Doyoung. It’s his profession, never allowing him to doubt himself, even when every fibre of you feels the insecurities nagging. 

Taeyong had been a middle ground between the two, a little bit of Doyoung’s apprehension but also a hint of Ten’s boldness. The three of them had been friends but also Doyoung’s means to finding his place in this world, to gain all that confidence he now drips in, even as a retiree. 

Back then they worked together, Doyoung as one of Ten’s engineers, Taeyong as his race engineer - and while Ten kept getting better results their friendship got stronger. Until everything fell apart for Ten in the media scandal that demoted him out of racing for months. Their team was never the same, leaving Doyoung and Taeyong with an under performing rookie who wasn’t very cooperative in working with them. 

They’d both wanted out, and once Mercedes caught word of what Doyoung could do and signed him on, he begged for Taeyong to be taken on by them, wanting to get his best friend out of there too. 

Both signing with a new team had been a great opportunity, one they couldn’t share with Ten. The loss of Ten and the relief of making it out somewhere else had sparked a lot between them, but for Taeyong it had been a chance to come clean about what he’d been feeling for so long. 

Taeyong hadn’t expected Doyoung to feel anything but the same, so when Doyoung straight up told him that everything he felt for Taeyong was platonic, neither had taken it lightly. 

It got worse when Taeyong, so sure of himself, started doubting Doyoung’s answer, and seeking out opportunities to prove him wrong. It had torn apart their friendship and left Doyoung feeling frustrated, but most of all guilty that he couldn’t feel the same way about Taeyong. 

No matter how painful it was, they were still coworkers. With time they had figured out how to handle that. Doyoung had explained again and again that he didn’t feel that way about Taeyong, and that he didn’t want to keep hurting him like this, and with some reassurance Taeyong had finally understood and they’d agreed to just be friends. 

Then Doyoung had met Jaehyun, and things had fallen into place for Taeyong, too. 

It didn’t mean he was suddenly over his feelings, or that the heartbreak got any easier, but it solidified the idea that it wasn’t something he could keep helplessly hoping for. 

Years later, Taeyong still isn’t over everything, but he’s way better than he once was - which is why working with Jaehyun isn’t the torture it once would’ve been. 

When Doyoung’s done talking, it leaves Jaehyun dumbfounded, mouth slightly ajar as he stares at him. He knew there was history, but he could’ve never anticipated it being like this, leaving him feeling so full of hurt for both Doyoung and Taeyong.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says after a long moment of contemplation. 

Doyoung shrugs. “I can’t do anything about it.”

That probably hurts even more, but at least it’s something in the past. Something that Doyoung can talk about. 

“Thank you for telling me,” Jaehyun says, “I didn’t know it was that bad, I just thought-”

“You just got irrationally jealous?” Doyoung tries. 

Jaehyun bites his tongue, wants to say that it’s about more than just that, that what Doyoung described as irrationally jealous feels like putting his career on the line. 

“Well…” Jaehyun starts, trailing off when he catches Doyoung staring at him. 

“You should’ve brought it up sooner,” Doyoung points out, and while he has a point Jaehyun also feels that it isn’t fair, because Doyoung’s had years to tell this story. “And I should have told you sooner.” 

And that compromise has a small smile tugging at Jaehyun’s lips. 

“I wanted to tell you but, there wasn’t a good time,” Jaehyun explains. “I tried, but I didn’t want to talk about it somewhere we don’t feel comfortable.”

“I know,” Doyoung says, “I get that - but I don’t want you walking around with something like this, Jaehyun.” 

Doyoung probably believes this is the only thing that’s keeping Jaehyun awake at night. Like there isn’t enough to worry about in his job, with Ten - with everything in their lives that’s worth worrying over. 

Not that he could ever explain that to Doyoung, he would never understand. 

“I didn’t mean to, I just…” it just didn’t feel like much compared to everything else he has to worry about. It just felt like something else he was perfectly capable of dealing with. 

“It’s okay,” Doyoung tells him. 

He looks up and meets Jaehyun’s eyes. He looks relieved, and Jaehyun can imagine the weight off his shoulders now that they’ve talked about Taeyong. 

He wishes he had things like that to worry about.

Sighing, he slumps back against the pillow. It is okay, but he’s not sure if this is the outcome he’d hoped for after bringing this up.

“Jaehyun,” Doyoung says. Jaehyun leans up on his elbow, craning his neck to look at Doyoung. “Are we okay?” 

Jaehyun bites his lip, hesitates for a moment. The fact that Doyoung has to ask this is a given that somewhere, they’re not okay. 

It’s a loaded silence, before Jaehyun nods.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun says, “we’re okay, come here.” 

Doyoung’s face softens, releasing the breath he’d been holding as he crawls over their bed until he’s next to Jaehyun, lifting Jaehyun’s arm up to snuggle himself into his side. 

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs again. 

“You said that,” Jaehyun hums. 

“But I’m sorry you had to carry that for so long, I don’t want to make things worse for you,” Doyoung goes on. 

It’s so soft spoken and fragile, a blush tainting his cheeks as he says it. Jaehyun knows Doyoung can’t look him in the eyes and say this, the shy words already a struggle like this. 

“You have so much on your mind already,” Doyoung says, sighing. “I’m supposed to help you, not burden you.” 

“You don’t burden me,” Jaehyun says, running his hand over Doyoung's arm, resting it on his neck. 

“I just…” Doyoung starts, giving up halfway through. “I want to make things easier for you, not harder.” 

“I know,” Jaehyun says, leaning down to kiss Doyoung’s hair. “I love you.” 

Doyoung hums, snuffling closer into his chest. “I love you too.”

∆

Jaehyun thinks it gets better after that - well, at least it should. 

It should clear up that awkward lingering silence he shares with Taeyong sometimes (it does), and now that Ten’s awake, well and breathing, he doesn’t need to constantly worry about that (he doesn’t). 

Still - it doesn’t end. 

There’s a nagging feeling in the back of his mind. A constant little loop of what-if’s and irrational thoughts that somehow make their way to the surface to bother him. It’s not always as bad, some days he barely notices it at all, and then there are days like this, where it’s all he can think about. 

Days like today, where he’s staring at his empty suitcase trying to remember what he needs to pack. 

Just this afternoon he had an interview with a magazine, asking him a litany of questions about racing, about his car - about everything that Mercedes is offering him and at the same time, asking of him.

He doesn’t mind the interviews in theory. They’re not bad, the questions aren’t difficult - he just thinks about them too much. Not in the interview itself, there he plays it fine, doesn’t think too long and doesn’t reflect on his choice of words. 

When the interviewer leaves and he’s alone with his thoughts, that’s when it really kicks in, overthinking everything he’s just said - every little detail that could have been one too many. He thinks of his tone, the choice of words, everything he’s said that could be interpreted in a way he had not intended to. 

It happens in moments like this one, where he zones out and gets so hung up on what he’s said, that he forgets what he’s doing. 

“Baby?” Doyoung asks when he comes into the bedroom. “Have you seen my grey sweater, I swear I put it in the hamper but it’s been…” 

Jaehyun turns around to look at him, drawn out of his thoughts and surprised to see Doyoung.

“There it is,” Doyoung says. Jaehyun looks down, following Doyoung’s eyes until he realises he’s wearing the sweater in question. 

“Oh,” Jaehyun breathes, pulling on it. “Sorry - I didn’t realise this was yours,” Jaehyun apologises sheepishly, cheeks tainting a little red. 

“It’s only much too big on your shoulders,” Doyoung observes as he steps up to him, tugging on the fabric. 

“It was comfortable,” Jaehyun says, shrugging. 

“Hm, looks good on you,” Doyoung says, rubbing his arm up and down Jaehyun’s shoulder. “But I kind of want it back like… right now,” Doyoung adds, humming as he pulls on it, untucking it from Jaehyun’s belt. 

“Right now?” Jaehyun asks, a little taken aback. 

In his head he’s still far away, still rephrasing the words of his interview, still worried they made him sound cocky. The thoughts seem futile when Doyoung’s practically undressing him. 

“Mhhh,” Doyoung hums, sliding his hands up under the sweater. 

He searches out Jaehyun’s lips, a soft kiss that clears Jaehyun’s mind, if only for a moment. 

“I still have to pack - and shower,” Jaehyun murmurs against his lips, stilling Doyoung’s hands. 

“You can do that tomorrow morning,” Doyoung points out. “The flight is at eleven, we don’t have to rush.” 

Jaehyun breathes shakily, biting his lip as he considers it. 

Tomorrow they’re leaving for Sochi, and Jaehyun will be busy with god knows what, lucky to make it to bed before Doyoung falls asleep. Tonight is their last night at home and while Jaehyun wants this, he’s not done overthinking today or worrying about things he needs to pack for tomorrow. 

Doyoung kisses him again, this time a little more teasing as he grazes his tongue over the seam of Jaehyun’s lips. He pulls him in closer by his belt loops as he eagerly licks into his mouth. 

“We can shower now,” he murmurs against Jaehyun’s spit slicked lips, a tempting invitation. 

“Hm,” Jaehyun hums, brushing his hand over Doyoung’s side, curling in the fabric of the shirt he’s wearing. 

“Is that a yes?” Doyoung asks breathlessly against his mouth. 

With every press of his lips Jaehyun feels a little more convinced, his resolve crumbling piece by piece. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun breathes against him, sinking his hands into his shirt to draw him in closer. 

They kiss all the way into the shower, fleeting touches that itch under Jaehyun’s skin with a lustful kind of want, hands tugging on Doyoung’s clothes to get them off one by one. 

They only part when they’re in the bathroom, Doyoung stepping into the shower to turn on the water, stepping back when the cold water splashes down on them. 

Jaehyun watches him from the other end of it, eyeing the perfect slope of his waist, his narrow hips. He steps up behind him, feeling the coolness of the water splash against the floor and up against his calves, sending shivers up his spine. 

Doyoung checks the water before he deems it comfortable enough to step under, reaching back to grab Jaehyun’s hand and pull him in.

“Not too hot?” Doyoung asks as he turns to Jaehyun, reaching up to brush Jaehyun’s wet hair away from his forehead. 

“It’s okay,” Jaehyun agrees, always picky about the temperature. He gets cold if they leave it lukewarm, but his skin gets red and irritated very easily when it’s too hot.

Still he likes it under the water, the way it rains over his back, a constant but comforting tickle. The hum of the shower running and the constant sound of the water are a soothing background noise. 

It makes him think of Hawaii, his honeymoon, the sound of the ocean over the shores. 

“Hey,” Doyoung says, caressing his hand down the side of his face, drawing his attention back up. 

“Hey,” Jaehyun replies, his face flushing red under the attention. 

Doyoung kisses him, languid and relaxing as his hands settle on Jaehyun’s waist, pulling their naked bodies closer together. He guides Jaehyun back until his back is up against the shower wall, shielding him from the water as he lazily licks into his mouth.

Most of the small breathless noises Jaehyun makes are subdued by the sound of the water, but when Doyoung nibbles on his lower lip and curls his hand down over his ass, he moans back into his mouth, a sound Doyoung catches and swallows up with a satisfied smile.

Doyoung’s hand sneaks down between their bodies, wrapping around his cock and quickly stroking him to full hardness. Jaehyun grabs onto his shoulders, pressing his nails into little dents on his skin as he eagerly tries to get him closer. 

It’s warm and comforting, and Jaehyun allows himself to feel small against Doyoung. His back is pressed against the tiles, caged in by Doyoung’s body. He loves being this vulnerable, feeling so open and exposed yet completely safe in Doyoung’s presence. 

Doyoung gets him off like that, pushing him back up against the wall as he goes lax under his touch, grunting back against Doyoung’s plush lips until he’s spilling all over his hand, coming with a cry of his name. 

He kisses Doyoung again, soothing himself through the aftershocks of his orgasm. Doyoung gasps back against his mouth, still wound up so tightly as Jaehyun traces one hand down between their bodies, grazing his knuckles over Doyoung’s abs as he wraps his hand around his cock. 

He gets Doyoung off with the same amount of fervour, eagerly kissing him, letting him press Jaehyun back against the wall to support his weight. His hitched breaths soon spill over into tiny moans, until Jaehyun’s pulling him over the edge, swallowing up the sounds he makes as he comes over Jaehyun’s hand.

There’s a moment of silence, pleasure still ringing hot in Jaehyun’s ears, panting as Doyoung leans forward against him. 

Doyoung pulls him back, putting him under the water to finally rinse off his hair. He grabs the shampoo, carefully squeezing some out on his hand, foaming it up before he starts washing Jaehyun’s hair.

Jaehyun closes his eyes, tilting his head back far enough to let Doyoung wash it easily, enjoying the way he scratches at his scalp. He feels a little fuzzy, so relaxed under Doyoung’s hands gently lathering him up in soap, almost more intimate than anything else they’ve just done. 

Tomorrow he’ll have all kinds of obligations to tend to, but for now he’s buried under the duvets that smell like home, back pressed against Doyoung’s chest, the one person that feels like home.

**MAY 2018**

It’s late in the evening, the sun setting low on the Monaco circuit. 

“This circuit is tricky,” Taeyong says, leaning back in his chair as he sighs. It’s the first thing they agree on just like that, no glaring or awkward fumbling for words. 

“Yeah. Awful.” 

“You’ve won twice,” Taeyong points out. 

He’s not wrong. Jaehyun’s first win had been here, right at this circuit hidden in concrete walls. 

“I think you can do it again,” Taeyong says. “Last year you… well, you weren’t in it, but you’re in shape now.” 

Last year. 

Jaehyun says nothing, but sometimes he still feels like Taeyong is rubbing it in, trying to get a rise out of him. It doesn’t work, because Jaehyun knows better and he doesn’t have the energy to entertain Taeyong. It’s not in his job description to be friends with Taeyong, so surely they don’t have to bicker like friends. 

Jaehyun listens to Taeyong’s plan for the race, makes little notes or asks questions, nothing short of the professionalism expected of him. It works, only because they’ve both got just enough patience to make it work. 

Jungwoo comes in, blissfully saving Jaehyun from any further conversation alone with Taeyong. 

They talk out the last details about the race, technicalities and things Jaehyun will try not to forget before his race tomorrow. Even if he does, Taeyong will undoubtedly remind him - it's what he's there for anyways.

It should be just what he's there for. 

Jaehyun's partner in crime, the voice on the other end that gets him to the end of every race. It should be comfortable, familiar, making him feel a sense of relief that he's there - but it's none of that. Most times it's strained, strictly professional, and every single race Jaehyun thinks about how much he misses Yuta.

"If you win this you'll be number one," Taeyong comments, noting something down on his sheets.

Jaehyun knows this. 

It's a tight fit in the top two, Baekhyun and Jaehyun constantly chasing each other's tail. The audience loves it, finally some competition between the two top drivers. Perhaps there's no team rivalry, but Baekhyun and Jaehyun love a good chase.

He was number one very briefly a couple races ago, and he could be it again if he wins tomorrow. It's not final or solid, just a _1\. Jung_ in the rankings that lasts until the next race, or perhaps a little longer.

"I know," Jaehyun says. He doesn't mean for it to be short or rude, but Taeyong's still a little startled by his short statement. "I don't think..."

"You could be number one this year, Jaehyun," Taeyong says. 

It doesn't sound promising, but he's not lying. Taeyong's the worst liar Jaehyun's ever encountered, he can't even lie about Jaehyun's stats to make him feel better about himself.

It’s still awkward with Taeyong. Even if it doesn’t show on Taeyong’s behaviour it’s now in the back of Jaehyun’s mind, the history between his husband and Taeyong. It should be bothering him, perhaps more than it really is - but there's something so resolute to the way Taeyong zones out sometimes, there's nothing but sad longing, that stare he gives Doyoung sometimes - it's pathetic more than anything else.

Doyoung doesn't spare Taeyong at all. 

Even now that it is an open secret to all parties involved, Doyoung doesn't hesitate to cut down PDA, doesn't treat Jaehyun any differently in front of Taeyong. It's what makes him think that it really is in the past, and that Taeyong's sad eyes full of heartbreak that come through every now and then are just somber fragments from his past.

And still there's that nagging in the back of his mind. 

A piece of insecurity eating away at him on the nights he doesn't feel good, on days where he under performs - he thinks about Taeyong, about shiny happy Taeyong and how he's not that.

"Baekhyun is good," Jaehyun answers, distracting himself from the idea of Taeyong, and the idea of winning.

It's not that he doesn't want to win, it's just that it feels like a lot - maybe too much. 

He's been looking forward to it his whole life, he's been yearning for this, practising for this for as long as he can remember, and now that it's so close he can practically taste it - it's suddenly intimidating him.

A first place is a lot scarier up close, when you can feel the competition breathing down your neck.

He loves that competitiveness and how he has to work so hard, give it his all every race in order to keep moving forward, and keep chasing that number one. And while he loves it it's also draining, each race getting a little heavier, the recovery a little longer.

Although it's technically on his terms and he's the one holding the ropes, he doesn't ever feel like he's in control of it. Everyone wants things from him, his manager, his race engineer, the team - the PR people, they all want content, statements, interviews - they want everything from him, and all he can do is give until he runs out.

It’s bearable, but only because he knows he gets to come back to his hotel room, slide into bed next to Doyoung and spend the night there and replenish his energy. 

"Baekhyun's good, but you could be better than him," Taeyong points out.

Jaehyun hums, but he doesn't really believe it. It doesn't carry the same promise or excitement that he thought it would. Most of all, he wishes he could have this conversation with Yuta, and with Sicheng by his side.

And it makes him feel selfish, because Jungwoo and Taeyong are good, they work hard and they do their very best for him. He is by no means ungrateful for their efforts.

But he can't help but feel like it's not enough. 

He could win, he might win - and he'll enjoy it, he'll celebrate it. But he doesn't get Yuta, he doesn't get Sicheng, and he doesn't get Ten around the circuit to celebrate it with him.

"You're very humble about it," Taeyong says.

"I like to prove myself before I talk," Jaehyun answers. 

Taeyong gnaws on his lower lip, looking like he wants to say something more.

He doesn't, and Jaehyun is thankful for that.

"That's a good mentality," Taeyong says, but Jaehyun's not sure if he's right. "It'll get you far," he adds, with some hesitation.

"Thanks," Jaehyun says. "Should we head back? It's getting late."

"Sure! We're not getting anything else done here," Taeyong agrees.

They part ways and Jaehyun takes a taxi back to the hotel. It's after midnight when he arrives, and he hopes Doyoung is still awake, so he doesn't have to fumble around quietly in the darkness of his hotel room.

He’s tired and feels the weariness all over his body as he scans the key card and lets himself into their hotel room.

The light on the bedside table is still on, illuminating the open book in Doyoung's lap. He's sitting up, resting against a stack of all the pillows on their bed, looking up when Jaehyun enters their hotel room.

Two open suitcases stand on the desk, Jaehyun's messy from when he tried to find his aftershave this morning. Doyoung's laptop sits closed on the side table, an empty cup standing next to it.

"Hey," Doyoung calls, voice quiet and timid.

Jaehyun sits down on his side of the bed, kicking off his shoes before he sinks down. The mattress is heavenly on his back, even if it's not their bed at home - it's still the first rest he's gotten since he left early in the morning.

"Tired?" Doyoung asks. 

It's a stupid question, and Jaehyun hums.

They don't say anything then, but that's okay - they have a lot more of this now, silences in which Jaehyun is too tired to think of something to say, but above all he just wants to enjoy Doyoung's presence, close his eyes and sleep.

Jaehyun feels the mattress shift next to him, opening his eyes to see Doyoung sitting up, rearranging the pillows on their bed.

Somehow he still finds the energy to sit up, look at Doyoung, and offer him a soft smile.

"I'm gonna shower before bed," Jaehyun says, encouraging himself to actually do it. 

No matter how tired he is, he doesn't want to wake up even earlier to get in a morning shower before breakfast.

"Okay," Doyoung says. 

He reaches out to grab Jaehyun's hand, squeeze it softly.

Jaehyun feels the longing in his chest, leaning forward until he can kiss Doyoung, warmth replacing his yearning. It's good, soft and everything he wants to come home to. 

When he comes back from the shower, Doyoung is curled up on his side, looking at Jaehyun's side of the bed. He's still awake, eyes opening when Jaehyun's footsteps come close enough.

It's nice and warm when he gets under the covers, resting on his side as he nuzzles into the pillow. He feels Doyoung's hand on his shoulder, reaching up to brush through his wet hair, before he leans over to turn off the light.

"Goodnight," Doyoung whispers when he lies back down.

Jaehyun murmurs it back, shuffling over until he can rest his head on Doyoung's chest, feeling his arms around him. “Goodnight.”

**JUNE 2018**

“Man I love Silverstone,” Mark exclaims, falling down in the chair next to Jaehyun. 

Technically they’re not supposed to be here right now, the circuit already closed for the big day tomorrow.

Jaehyun damaged the wing of his car during qualifications and while it didn’t cost him his P1, it cost him a calm evening off as he stayed around to watch them fix it. He didn’t have to - trusts his crew enough to fix it for him, and yet he just wants to make sure.

“Why? It’s old. Boring, traditional,” Jaehyun supplies, looking out over the grey starting grid, dust speckles hanging over it in the early summer air. 

“It’s like thirty minutes from home, that’s why,” Mark says, yawning. “I got to wake up in my own bed this morning, with my fiancé - no early mornings for him and no hotel room bed springs poking into my back.”

“You’re welcome,” Jaehyun laughs. “How are your wedding plans?”

“I don’t know,” Mark admits, slumping back even further. “The move was a lot on Donghyuck, so I want him to get settled in well first, and then we’ll talk about it again. Next year might be too soon, so I’m hoping the year after that. He wants a summer wedding on the beach, and I told him that’s ridiculous because we live in London, so he’s adjusted to the idea of a ballroom.” 

“Sounds fancy,” Jaehyun remarks.

“It’s Donghyuck, of course it’s fancy,” Mark points out. 

“How’s he doing?” Jaehyun interjects. 

He knows it’s mean to ask Mark like this, when they’re already talking and he has no means of escaping, but he’s a little worried. 

Mark sighs, drawn out from his chest, filled with pain. 

“He’s been a little better lately, it’s easier now that he can see Ten, but Ten isn’t the same, he’s not emotionally invested like he used to be. I can tell Donghyuck misses having him around.” 

Mark says it with an underlying worry, that there’s something more he needs to say, so Jaehyun waits patiently and lets the silence sit between them. 

“And sometimes I feel like he hates this. He doesn’t like racing, he can’t even drive. He’s just here because I’m here,” Mark admits finally, his voice small. 

“Donghyuck is still his own person, he can make his own decisions,” Jaehyun says. 

He wonders if Mark knows that every word he says is something he too has to figure out in his own relationship. Still he puts it aside, knows Mark needs to vent about it, and knows he took away Mark’s group of friends in his old team - so the best he can do now is listen to him. 

“He can, but he always thinks about me when he makes them. It’s not fair,” Mark says. 

Jaehyun bites his lip. 

It’s not his place to talk about things Donghyuck told him confidentially, but he knows Mark is wrong - knows that Donghyuck is stubborn, ultimately even a little selfish. But above all he knows Donghyuck loves Mark, and that Mark’s worries might be justified, but not realistic. 

“It’s not, but the best you can do is… your best,” Jaehyun says. “Show him that you’re happy, so that he knows it’s not for nothing.”

It’s what he tells himself over and over again, the least he owes Doyoung for giving up everything for him, is to give it his best - to try his best, to get that win he so desires. Perhaps it’s not a healthy coping mechanism, but it’s what works right now and it’s how Jaehyun lives with his choices - and Doyoung’s. 

He doesn’t mean to put it on Mark’s shoulders, who looks conflicted as he processes the words. 

“Just try to be happy,” Jaehyun adds as a final clue - perhaps what he should have said all along.

“Is that how you do it?” Mark asks.

Jaehyun falls silent, looking away in shame - like he’s been caught saying something he shouldn’t have. 

“I try.”

∆

"So," Baekhyun hiccups, laughing at his own clumsiness. "Since you got twenty-five points, and I only got eighteen - I think you should buy me seven shots."

Baekhyun's not wrong - Jaehyun _did_ get seven more points than him. He got them here in Silverstone, and he got them the five races before. Five number one finishes in a row, his new personal best.

Five number ones in a row - five trophies they get to fit on a shelf somewhere at the headquarters. It's not bad, and Jaehyun's proud of it - revels in the praise of it, but it also means next time he'll have to make a sixth happen.

That's for later. 

Tonight they're celebrating the five he's already taken, and they're doing it in a swanky club in the heart of London, exclusively rented for their victors and Mercedes staff.

"You can drink seven?" Jaehyun inquires, a little intrigued. 

He's by no means sober, a little buzzed from the champagne flutes they had upon arrival. 

At least Doyoung had reminded him to eat, made him take a whole plate of chicken skewers and sat by his side until he'd munched it all down. It had felt a little patronising, but he would have hated himself if he was sick tomorrow as a result of poor after race etiquette, or because he had too much to drink on an empty stomach.

Now Doyoung was off talking to some of his old co-workers, and Jaehyun was by the bar with Baekhyun. They'd given a short press statement, taken some pictures, and then the journalists had been escorted out to create an idea of privacy.

“I’ll try,” Baekhyun promises. “Or I’ll hand them over to someone else,” he says, looking around the room.

“Okay, seven shots it is,” Jaehyun says, waving at the bartender. 

They do get seven shots, Jaehyun shoving them over to Baekhyun demonstratively - it’s all his doing, so he gets to finish them. 

“So,” Baekhyun says, taking one down. 

He doesn’t even flinch, clearly more comfortable in this environment than Jaehyun, who is looking at the liquid accusingly. 

He doesn’t like to drink too much, a couple of glasses of champagne already pushing it. When he drinks too much, he loses control of his thoughts and his actions and it fuels all the anxiety, ultimately making him feel worse. 

“Go on, take the next one,” Baekhyun says, nudging it in Jaehyun’s direction.

He drinks it up, showing openly that he’s not a fan of it by grimacing. Baekhyun only laughs at this, nudging another one in his direction.

“Last one,” Jaehyun says, taking it and downing it. The taste is just as bitter, shaking his head in disgust. “Okay, this is gross - you take the next ones.”

Baekhyun looks around the bar, perhaps searching for another victim. He spots Taeyong, entangled in a conversation with someone else, looking happy to be saved from it. He comes up to stand between Jaehyun and Baekhyun, eyeing the shot glasses. 

“Hey,” Taeyong says. 

“There’s one for you,” Baekhyun says, his hand grazing down Taeyong’s arm, getting the shot to him. 

Taeyong drinks it dutifully, pouting at the taste. “I don’t like tequila.” 

“I know, but you work for me,” Baekhyun says, chuckling. 

“I don’t work for you anymore,” Taeyong huffs, putting the glass down. “I work for Jaehyun now, save me, please.” 

Jaehyun laughs, nodding at Taeyong. “Go on, you’re free to go.” 

Taeyong looks back and forth between the two of them, before he leaves. Jaehyun looks back at the shots, still three standing. 

“Where is your plus one?” Baekhyun asks, looking around the room. Jaehyun follows his gaze, trying to make out faces until he finds the one he wants to see, Doyoung standing at the other end of the bar. 

“Doyoung!” He calls, gathering the attention of a few others in the process. 

He ducks shamefully, blushing a little as he watches Doyoung approach them. 

“Hi,” Doyoung greets, sticking to Jaehyun’s side. 

Jaehyun turns his chair so he can put his arms around Doyoung’s waist, Doyoung’s arm around his shoulder. 

“One for each of us,” Baekhyun says, dividing the three shots.

“Somehow this is my third,” Jaehyun hiccups, “but okay, I guess.”

Doyoung pats his shoulder comfortingly, taking the last shots with them. He looks just as unimpressed by it, putting down the class without much protest. 

“You really haven’t changed,” Baekhyun says, chuckling. 

“You think my drinking game fades with age? Please,” Doyoung scoffs. 

“I’m not following,” Jaehyun says dazedly, looking between Baekhyun and Doyoung.

“Doyoung used to drink us all under the table,” Baekhyun explains, “when he was still a bachelor.”

Doyoung laughs. “Right. Like six years ago.” 

“Time flies,” Baekhyun says, sliding off his bar chair. “Anyways, I’m going to find Taeyong - you should take Jaehyun home, he’s going to pass out soon.” 

“Hey!” Jaehyun protests, certainly capable of taking care of himself, but also feeling a lazy kind of drowsiness, like the conversation around him is happening in slow motion.

“Alright,” Doyoung agrees, helping Jaehyun down from his chair. He lets him hold onto his arms, but he’s still perfectly capable of standing by himself.

The standing is easy - taking a few steps increasingly hard, swaying on his legs as the alcohol really hits him. His head spins and he clings to Doyoung’s side. 

“Sorry,” he apologises in the hallway, waiting for the elevator. 

“Don’t worry,” Doyoung says. “You’re a cute drunk.”

“Cute?” Jaehyun asks, furrowing his brow as the elevator arrives and he lets Doyoung walk him in. 

Being in elevators with Doyoung causes a conditioned reaction, but drunk Jaehyun, uncoordinated and dizzy just face plants right against Doyoung, burying his face in his neck. 

Doyoung helps him upright again, laughing at him. 

“I am not above carrying you out to the car, I don’t care that you have a big bad reputation to hold up,” Doyoung threatens, hands grabbing Jaehyun’s hips to keep him still. 

“I like it when you carry me,” Jaehyun admits sheepishly. 

If his face weren’t red from the alcohol already, he’d be blushing madly. 

He does not need to be carried out to the car, walking to the taxi with some of Doyoung’s help. They sit in the back, Doyoung in the middle seat as he holds Jaehyun up. 

It’s not too far away from home luckily, the race in Silverstone always coming with great benefits, staying in their own apartment. It’s dark when they come home, but Doyoung doesn’t make an effort to turn on the lights, guiding Jaehyun through their apartment, illuminated in the low moonlight. 

Jaehyun stumbles into their bedroom, nearly tripping over an open suitcase until he finds himself in front of their tall glass windows, looking over the city.

It’s a beautiful view when sober, but to drunk Jaehyun the lights blinking back at him are absolutely mesmerising. 

Doyoung’s footsteps come up behind him, causing him to turn around in interest, until his back is against the window and he’s looking at his husband instead. 

“You’re gonna win this year, baby,” Doyoung praises, cupping Jaehyun’s cheek. 

Jaehyun blushes under the pet name, and then everything else, knees going weak with the implications. It’s different when it comes from Doyoung, alighting this spark of pride in his chest.

“Yeah?” Jaehyun asks, yearning to hear it again. 

“You’re 42 points ahead now,” Doyoung breathes, leaning in so much closer. Jaehyun can’t even count, can’t make sense of the numbers Doyoung is saying - but it’s enough to know he’s doing good. “Five races in a row is… special Jaehyun, most people can’t do that. Baekhyun couldn’t do that.” 

“Doyoung…” Jaehyun whines, his chest feeling warm and fuzzy with all the praise.

“What?” Doyoung asks, brushing some hair out of his face. 

“I’m drunk,” Jaehyun complains. 

“I know, but you’ll remember this in the morning,” Doyoung points out. 

He leans in to kiss him, soft and pliant and Jaehyun melts, flattening his palms back against the window in an attempt to keep upright. It’s sloppy, their teeth clashing when Jaehyun tries to get a little bit more, licking into Doyoung’s mouth. 

“You taste like tequila,” Doyoung says against his lips, creating a little space as he pulls away. 

Jaehyun whines in defeat.

“ _You_ taste like tequila,” he complains. 

“I love you,” Doyoung says instead, kissing the corner of his mouth before he pulls away.

Jaehyun smiles sheepishly, reveling in it. 

At least Doyoung’s still the same, loves him when he’s 42 points ahead, and when this is _the_ year. Jaehyun’s going to need that promise the coming months, else he’s not sure how he’s going to keep it together. 

Now that he has fine consecutive wins, what’s a sixth one? 

He knows he can do it, knows what he needs to do in order to achieve it, push himself beyond the limit and then a little more. It’s hard and it’s painful but he will do it, because they’re counting on it now, they’re expecting Jaehyun to win and asking nothing but the best of him.

It’s a lot, the thought alone overwhelming him sometimes. 

Like now, when the realisation slowly sinks in. Not that he has five wins, but that he’ll have to get a sixth one in Germany in two weeks. 

They won’t even celebrate it, not like this one. When it is basically an expectation, a requirement of sorts, then there’s no need to celebrate when you live up to standards. 

“Love you too,” Jaehyun murmurs. 

It helps a little, his chest filling with that familiar warmth that ebbs at the anxiety, but it _shouldn’t_ be something he says just to shut out everything else. He doesn’t want to ask even more of Doyoung, when he’s always asking for too much already.

∆

Ten’s driveway is massive, enough room for four cars to park, and that’s not even counting the garage. Clearly he needs it, Jaehyun parking his car just after Ten’s family car (for the dog) and Kun’s Tesla. 

They had moved out to their new home located just half an hour outside of London. It was a beautiful countryside modern house with everything you could ask for, plus peace and quiet. Still it was extravagant like Ten, like having three cars on the driveway, a pop up wine cooler out on the terrace, and a swimming pool and jacuzzi in the backyard.

The house had been empty when they bought it, and remained like that all during Ten’s accident. Now it looked like it had finally come to life, with Ten’s personal touch to it as Jaehyun hears the funny tune of the doorbell. 

Ten answers the door moments later, their shiba pup jumping around his legs, happy to launch himself at Jaehyun. 

He greets the dog before he greets Ten, squatting down to pet it, complaining that it’s grown so much since he last saw it. 

“So have you,” Ten teases, ruffling Jaehyun’s hair when he stands back up.

He follows Ten into their home, taking a left into the beautiful French country style kitchen, with extravagant marble counter tops reflecting the sunlight. 

“What do you want?” Ten asks. 

“Just an Americano is fine,” Jaehyun says, even as he eyes the expensive espresso machine.

He notices how perky Ten is, going about the kitchen to prepare one Americano and some fancy long coffee drink for himself. His steps are light, movements fluid and lax.

It hadn’t been like that two months ago. Recovery was a long process, leaving Ten frustrated more often than not. Once he gained his voice back it would result in long voice messages, his hands still too fragile to be able to text the masses of complaints he had. 

And it was hard, and he had every right to complain. He’d been allowed to go home just a couple weeks ago, and this was the first time Jaehyun had time to see him outside of the hospital since the accident.

“Can I ask how you’re doing?” Jaehyun asks. 

Ten must be tired of hearing the same question over and over, but Jaehyun is still worried.

“You can,” Ten says, finishing his own coffee off with a swirl of whip cream. “I might answer.” 

Jaehyun laughs, accepting his own coffee. 

They settle in the living room, each on one end of the sofa, facing each other. The puppy sits on the floor, looking torn between asking for Jaehyun’s lap or Ten’s.

Ten wins it over with a small treat from his pocket, lifting the pup up to sit in his lap. 

“I’m okay,” he says when he’s got the little one settled on his chest. 

“That’s good,” Jaehyun says.

“I sleep a lot, I nap maybe four hours during the day, kind of like this little one,” Ten scratches the puppies’ head. “But everything works, I can walk again, drive again, cook, use my phone, _think_ , have sex-” 

“Alright I get it,” Jaehyun says, laughing. 

“It’s just slow,” Ten adds, “as soon as I’m allowed something again, I want it so much that I get exhausted. That’s frustrating.” 

“I can imagine,” Jaehyun says. 

It’s all he can do - imagine. He had a cast in for six weeks and it did terrible things to him, his mental well-being and resulted in one of the first fights he had with Doyoung. 

It’s nothing compared to Ten, who had to learn how to hold a fork again after waking up. He’s recovering faster than most do, an over achiever as always, but he’s still on a tough road.

“Where’s Kun?” Jaehyun asks, half expecting him to be around somewhere.

“He’s in town meeting with the interior decorator. We are renovating the upstairs later this year.” 

Right. The house. The big expensive house they’re in right now. 

“It’s beautiful,” Jaehyun says, “the house I mean - well, the driveway.” 

“The _driveway_ ,” Ten mocks. “I would show it to you right now, but I kind of need to sit down.”

“Of course, don’t worry about that. I’m just jealous you have a driveway.”

“You live in a penthouse,” Ten points out. 

“Yeah, it’s on the top floor. We can’t have a driveway or a pool.” 

“That’s a good observation,” Ten laughs with him. “Don’t tell me you’re regretting your top floor living quarters.” 

Jaehyun doesn’t. 

The apartment they have is everything they wanted, everything that fits into their life right now. Modern and flashy, located right in the heart of the city where the world is happening right outside, where Jaehyun feels like he’s truly in the middle of it, yet floors above to resemble a sense of control. 

But this - this is a whole new commitment. 

A house with a driveway and a dog and their own little world, so exclusively them and separated from everything outside. Jaehyun can’t lie and say he’s not jealous of it. Even if it’s not something he wants right now, it’s definitely something he hopes for somewhere in the future. 

“Jaehyunnie,” Ten interrupts him, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Tell me what’s on your mind.” 

“Nothing,” Jaehyun lies, blushing when he realises he’s been caught. “A lot.”

“Five wins huh?” Ten prods, grinning. “Is it getting to your head yet?”

“What?” Jaehyun asks.

“That you’re winning this year?” 

“Not really,” Jaehyun admits, a little hint of disappointment to his tone. “Can I ask you something about that?”

“About winning?” Jaehyun nods. “Go on.” 

“Does it feel… underwhelming?” Jaehyun asks carefully, thinking about his choice of words for a long time. 

What he really wants to ask is - does it feel like enough? Is it final when you win? Will it feel like you’re _there_ , at the top - that place you’ve been dreaming of all this time. 

He doesn’t want to sound ungrateful, but luckily Ten agrees right away. 

“Yeah, definitely,” Ten agrees. “The chase is always better than the win, trust me.” 

“I just feel like it’s planned… like it’s my turn now. Everyone is saying it and expecting it and I don’t…” Jaehyun bites his lip. His words are loaded with worry and he doesn’t want to bother Ten too much. “I hate the pressure, makes me feel like every step I take could be a wrong one, like I will let everyone down.”

“I get it,” Ten says, but it’s resolute. There’s nothing else to it - Ten gets it but it’s part of the game. Of course the pressure is higher at the top, Jaehyun had anticipated that - but he didn’t think it would feel this suffocating at times. “It gets a little better when you win, when you’ve proven yourself, but it doesn’t go away. People always want more than you can give them.” 

“I’ve never felt so alone about it,” Jaehyun admits. “I’m used to people asking things from me, but now I just feel like it never ends, like everyone needs something from me and I can’t make everyone happy.” 

“You’re a good kid, Jaehyun,” Ten says, speaks to him like he’s still that kid he met 6 years ago. “Do not let people take advantage of it, okay?” 

It's not an easy task when Jaehyun has lived his entire life to make others happy, to do as he’s told and to give up everything for that win he so desperately wants. Still the _want_ he once had has been replaced by something more consuming, something that he can _feel_ nagging at him. 

“It’s hard,” Jaehyun sighs. 

“Yeah,” Ten agrees, “it is.” 

They both take a sip of their drink, Ten clearing his throat. 

“How’s Doyoung?” He asks next.

“Good. Working - on his freelance stuff and on me.” 

“Did you talk about Taeyong?” 

“Yes,” Jaehyun admits.

Talk - yell, fight, that’s all the same. They talked about it and they solved it and it left Jaehyun feeling like it was just another thing he had to worry about. 

“Doyoung told me what happened,” Jaehyun admits.

“Did he tell you about me?” Ten asks.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun says, “not the whole story but, what happened when you left.” 

Ten nods, his eyes wandering until they stare out the window. There’s something off about him, his jaw set as he’s lost in thoughts. 

“It was worse then,” Ten says. “Back then, before I… got _fired_ , I didn’t really have anyone to tell me how it worked, what I was allowed and what I wasn’t. I did everything they asked of me, because I thought that as long as I did, I would get there.” 

“But you did,” Jaehyun points out.

Ten shakes his head. “Not with them, not like that.”

“What happened?” Jaehyun asks.

Ten sighs, pulling his knees up under him as he turns to Jaehyun. He looks conflicted, like he doesn’t want to tell Jaehyun - but the story is still pressing at the tip of his tongue, needing an out. 

“I overworked myself,” Ten admits, “and I did it for the wrong people. Our team principal, he was a piece of shit. He didn’t believe people like us deserved rights, or anything at all for that matter.” 

Jaehyun holds his breath. It’s painful to hear, nowhere near as hurtful as it must’ve been for Ten endure, so he doesn’t say anything. 

“Even after the incident, after I left - it was awful. Doyoung and Taeyong had no choice but to get out of there. Working with those people every single day was...” 

Jaehyun can only imagine. 

He’s not always in a good mood when he goes to work, but even when he isn’t, the people there care for him and respect him. They don’t give him shit about who he chooses to love - Jaehyun can only imagine what that kind of atmosphere does to you, how it makes you feel not only about your job, but about yourself.

“I know it feels like a lot,” Ten says, “and it’s okay to be overwhelmed. But you have people around you and a good team to work with. Try not to worry too much.” 

_Try_. 

That’s all Jaehyun can do, try to trust his team to do the right thing to him. Try to trust himself that he’s good enough, that he’s working hard enough to get there. He also thinks there’s no point in complaining - Jaehyun’s in such a privileged position now where he gets to make demands, gets to choose some of the people he works with and gets to request time off from his job. It’s a position Ten could only have dreamed off. 

That alone should tell Jaehyun that he can’t complain - that he has to do this, no matter how terrifying it may be.

**SEPTEMBER 2018**

“I _told_ you to get that looked at before we left,” Doyoung says, eyeing the way Jaehyun clutches his shoulder. 

After lifting his suitcase from the floor in an attempt to put it on the luggage rack, and failing comically as his shoulder protests in pain, Jaehyun thinks that Doyoung might be right.

Except he had no time to see the physiotherapist before they left, and he certainly won’t have time to see it now, so he’s just going to walk around with that shoulder for the coming few days and hope it doesn’t get worse while driving. 

“Here, let me do that for you,” Doyoung says as he comes up to him, grabbing the suitcase Jaehyun’s been struggling with and lifting it up for him. 

“Whatever,” Jaehyun says, rolling his eyes as he strikes down in one of the armchairs. 

He takes out his phone, his shoulder only pinching a little when he has to reach down to grab it. 

“No not _whatever_ , Jaehyun,” Doyoung points out, plucking his phone out of his hands. “Your shoulder has been hurting for more than two weeks, you should have gotten it looked at before this weekend - before the race.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Jaehyun agrees. “Except two weeks ago we were in Monza, and I had to drive - and guess what, here we are again. I don’t know when you think I have time to-”

“It’s your shoulder,” Doyoung points out. “They make time for your physical well being.” 

“I just pulled a muscle, it’s nothing-” Jaehyun starts, ready to have this argument all over again. 

It should get tiring, except every time they talk about it he feels like it adds new fuel to the fire, like Doyoung just wants to rub in how his negligence is stupid and he wants to tell him again that there’s no time to get a fucking physical at a doctor’s office. 

“It was _nothing_ two weeks ago, but you’re still hurting,” Doyoung points out, a sliver of tenderness to his voice, and Jaehyun doesn’t want to bicker about it, not when he’s so tired from the twelve hour flight. 

“Fine,” he breathes, “I’ll talk to Taeil.” 

“Good,” Doyoung says, putting his hand on top of Jaehyun’s to draw his attention back up. “Do you have time for dinner tonight?” 

“I have to meet Jungwoo down at the circuit,” Jaehyun says. “They fixed something they broke in transit - he wants me to test it.”

He’d hated the text message as much as Jungwoo hated sending it, probably. The Grand Prix weekend hasn’t even started and Jungwoo is already asking things of him that he shouldn’t be. Jaehyun would have said no, but he knows it’s in his best interest. 

“Ask him to come,” Doyoung says. “I haven’t talked to him in a while, it’ll be nice.”

“We might be late,” Jaehyun tries. 

As much as he wants to have dinner with his husband he does not want to disappoint his husband by missing it.

“No you won’t, Jungwoo is fast - you’ll be done quickly,” Doyoung remarks. 

He’s not wrong, Jungwoo is one of Jaehyun’s favourite people on his team, because he doesn’t waste time and he’s always quick to get to business. Despite his professionalism, he’s kind and always makes an effort to be nice to Jaehyun, an oddity in their team. 

“I’ll ask if he wants to join,” Jaehyun agrees, “but no promises that we’ll be done on time.”

“I’m sure he’ll say yes.”

“Yes, who wouldn’t want to third wheel us?” Jaehyun poses. 

“We’re not so bad,” Doyoung says, but he knows he’s wrong. They _are_ that bad. 

Much like Doyoung had anticipated, Jungwoo does agree to dinner with the both of them. He also manages to talk Jaehyun through the changes to his car in less than half an hour, finishing up by the circuit well in time for dinner.

On their way out they run into Taeyong, who is surprised to see them.

“Oh hey, Jaehyun - what are you doing here? I didn’t expect you until tomorrow.” 

“I wanted to go over some changes with him, we’ll be quicker set up tomorrow if we get it covered now,” Jungwoo answers instead.

“Of course,” Taeyong says, “are you headed back?”

“Actually we are headed for dinner, Jaehyun’s treat,” Jungwoo says, patting Jaehyun’s shoulder affectionately.

Taeyong looks a little uneasy, like he’s about to invite himself, so Jaehyun shoots himself in the foot.

“You’re welcome to join, it’s just me, Doyoung and Jungwoo,” Jaehyun offers.

Taeyong seems just as surprised by the invitation as Jaehyun, mouth opening and closing as he tries to find words. 

“That’s really kind of you, but I have some work to get to,” Taeyong lies, because Jaehyun knows he’d rather go for a root canal than a dinner with Jaehyun and his _husband_.

It’s how it works now. 

Jaehyun is civil and Taeyong is civil and they know where the limits are, and it works. 

Every single time they have an encounter like this Jaehyun is once more convinced of the push and pull they have going, thinking there’s nothing more he can ask for. 

Taeyong is the best race engineer he’s ever worked with, has made him do things he never thought he could pull off, and he’s grateful to be working with someone so skilled. Taeyong is selfless in ways Jaehyun will never be able to be, and doesn’t ever let his history with Doyoung impact his job. 

And it works like that, so they leave it like that. 

Still, Jaehyun sighs in relief when they say goodbye to Taeyong and get in a taxi, heading to dinner without him. 

They meet Doyoung at a local restaurant within walking distance from their hotel, one that Jaehyun still recalls as per Ten’s recommendation. 

Granted he’d hoped to visit it with Ten again, but the company he’s currently in isn’t so bad either. 

He enjoys watching Doyoung talk to his friend, doesn’t mind feeling a little left out or falling quiet. He knows it’s not his responsibility to cater to Doyoung’s social life, but he can’t help but feel bad, like he took part of it away when Doyoung quit his job for him nearly two years ago. Seeing him laugh with Jungwoo like old friends makes him feel happy too, even if the memory they’re talking about is foreign to Jaehyun. 

It’s nice to have this. 

Dinner with his husband and their friend, like Jaehyun doesn’t have the pressure of the world on his shoulders, doesn’t have a race to drive in a couple days - like he’s not bickering with Doyoung about the condition of his shoulder. 

It’s a good distraction, so good that it puts Doyoung in a better mood too. 

When they return to their hotel room, any trace of the argument about Jaehyun’s shoulder is long forgotten. Just the aching in it as he curls up in bed remains, but it doesn’t hurt quite as bad as this morning when they were bickering about it. 

∆

“Hey,” Jaehyun says to the Ten on screen. 

They’ve somehow arranged the timezone difference well enough to plan in a video call two days before the race today. 

“Hey Jaehyunnie,” Ten muses, waving at him. 

He looks better, in his expensive white sweater, glasses and hair a little longer. Most importantly the bags under his eyes are gone and his skin has come alive under the tender love and care of his skincare routine. 

“How are you?” He asks.

“Good. I’m feeling a lot better, the physical therapist has cleared me for short walks outside the house now, so I can actually do something useful with my time.” 

“That’s nice,” 

“Well yes, Kun was getting tired of babysitting me. He called me _Rapunzel_ because I couldn’t leave the tower,” Ten laughs. 

Jaehyun laughs too, thinking Kun is all talk - because he watched him sit by Ten’s bed for nearly a year, never showing any signs of wanting to leave. 

“What about you?” Ten asks. “How are you holding up?”

“Tired,” Jaehyun complains, as always. 

He’s tired most of the time because he doesn’t get enough sleep in between days. It’s strange, because the thing that used to keep him up at night is something he’s talking to right now, alive and kicking - and somehow a hundred new things have stacked up in the back of his mind that he needs to think about before he can allow himself to close his eyes. 

“That’s not good, you’re two days away from the race,” Ten points out. 

“Just haven’t slept a lot lately,” Jaehyun admits. “Team doctor said that something’s wrong with my shoulder.”

“You mean something is actually wrong besides the permanent damage to your _everything_ that driving does to you?”

Jaehyun laughs, but at the same time he can’t help but feel ashamed for complaining about this to Ten. Not only has Ten endured this for much longer than Jaehyun, he’s suffered much worse.

He’s suffered so much that he’s still recovering from it. 

“Yes, it’s actually something beyond that,” Jaehyun says, chuckling. “Don’t tell Doyoung, he’ll be right again and he won’t let me live it down.” 

“I guess that hurts more than the shoulder, huh?” Ten days, and Jaehyun can’t help but laugh, even if it rings some truth - truth that stings a little. “How is he?”

“Good, working, as always,” Jaehyun says. “I think he’s really found his niche with the consulting work he does, he likes it a lot and he can take it with him wherever he goes.” Which isn’t exactly a necessity for Doyoung - but for him to be able to travel with Jaehyun. 

“Good to hear,” Ten says. “I don’t… know what Kun wants.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Well I can never go back to driving, so for me it’s off the table. I’ll probably become one of those sleazy b-list celebrities that wears out their one moment of fame all their life to make cash.”

“You don’t need to make money anymore,” Jaehyun says. Ten laughs.

“Right - maybe I’ll just take up a hobby. I heard gardening is fun,” Ten says to himself, “but Kun… he doesn’t really need to quit. Once I recover fully and I don’t need him to help me do everything, he could technically go back to his job.” 

“Would you want him to?”

“No,” Ten says in a heartbeat, “do I want him to go back and work with something that nearly killed me? No I do not.” Ten sighs, running his hand through his hair. 

“But it’s not up to me, if he wants to, then that’s his decision.”

“You haven’t talked about it?” Jaehyun asks, surprised. 

“No,” Ten says, “it’s kind of hard to go from having no future perspective, to having a very short-term _will-I-be-able-to-walk-again_ perspective, to the long run.” 

“You’re getting better now, I’m sure it’ll come up eventually,” Jaehyun says. 

“I wish,” Ten admits, “but he still looks at me like I just woke up - like when he looks away I’ll suddenly disappear. It’s been half a year and he still treats me like glass.”

“He waited for nearly a year for you to wake up, give it some time,” Jaehyun says. 

Ten doesn’t look convinced by that answer at all, but Jaehyun’s not sure what else to say. He’s not going to tell Ten how he watched Kun suffer while he was gone, that's something they’ll have to talk to each other about if they want it discussed. 

The bathroom door opens, and he watches Doyoung come out, towel drying his hair.

“I have to go,” Jaehyun says. “It’s late here, and Doyoung’s going to sleep. I don’t want to keep you awake.”

“Of course. Call me soon, okay?” Ten urges, and Jaehyun agrees even if he has no idea when soon will be, he hopes it's not too far away. 

After he hangs up, Doyoung looks at him unimpressed. 

“Doyoung’s going to sleep, huh?” He mocks as he pulls a shirt over his head.

“Shut up, I just didn’t want to talk about it. Ten is an adult, he can figure out his own relationship,” Jaehyun says.

Doyoung shrugs. “Well he meddled in _your_ relationship until you got it together and decided to text me first.” 

“That was him,” Jaehyun says. “Back then, I didn’t even dare to look at you without permission, let alone text you.” 

“You’re saying I owe my marriage to Ten,” Doyoung deadpans, causing Jaehyun to laugh as he puts his jacket on over his shirt. “Maybe you should meddle a little in theirs, just a tiny bit.”

“But they’re so stubborn. You’d think after a year of silence they’d have a lot to say to each other.” 

“I didn’t say you should talk to _me_ about it,” Doyoung points out, putting on his watch. “Are you ready to go?” 

Doyoung steps up to him, tugging on the lapels of his jacket to set the collar straight. 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun says, “I’m good.” 

“What’s up?” Doyoung asks, sensing something is off. 

“Just miss Ten,” Jaehyun admits. “It’s not the same with him around.” 

“You’re right. It’s very quiet, I love that.” 

Jaehyun laughs, a sense of relief gracing him now that they can laugh about this again. Doyoung can complain that Ten is loud and Jaehyun can laugh about it, not flinch about it. And Doyoung can take Ten’s name into his mouth without Jaehyun flinching. 

It’s still not the same - but Jaehyun thinks this is the closest they can get to ‘back to normal’. 

**NOVEMBER 2018**

Jaehyunfinishes first in Austin and gets to call it his win. 

There’s three more races in the season to go, but they’re a formality at this point, because he’s so far ahead of any possible competitor that there’s no way he won’t win this year.

Only a disaster could stop him now, and while it wouldn’t be the first time that a major injury ruins his plans, they’re not counting on it to happen this time. 

They’re counting on him to win, so much that it calls for early celebrations. 

Everyone’s waiting in the pit when he returns after his finish, holding their applause. Mark helps him out of the car and hugs him briefly, patting him on the back muttering a string of praise of which he catches exactly nothing, looking at everyone else standing around waiting for him. 

After taking off his helmet he gets another good look, feeling so overwhelmed by the eyes on him, the hysteria of cheers and applause - he kind of wants to get back in his car and drive away.

Except they’re all here to see him, looking at him expectantly like he has some wise words to say, some winner’s wisdom that he’s aching to share. He comes up with nothing, only tears springing to his eyes as he’s overcome with the gratefulness, how much these people have all done and sacrificed to get him where he is today. 

“Umm,” he starts, clearing his throat, stowing away the tears. “Thank you guys, this is… this is huge,” he tries, fumbling over the words but they all sound the same, _relieved_ that he’s made it, as much as he hates to call it before it’s actually done. “I don’t know what to say, just, thank you.” 

It seems to do the trick, the silence that he’d drawn evaporating as his staff cheers for him, Jungwoo the first to come up to him and draw him in for a hug. 

“Good job, Jaehyun,” he whispers in that sweet soothing voice, patting him on the back. 

He appreciates it, murmuring a thank you into the fabric of Jungwoo’s suit. 

He has to go through half his crew then, all showering him in litanies of compliments on why it’s so deserved that he is the one taking home this trophy tonight. He even passes Taeyong, who shows no hesitation as he too hugs Jaehyun, tells him he deserves to celebrate it, that tonight was one of his best races, and it shows just how deserving he is of this title. 

Then there’s Baekhyun, launching himself at Jaehyun as he gives him a hug. 

It’s a fantastic moment for the press, the team spirit of racing together, but winning alone, and Jaehyun lets it happen, closes his eyes and soaks in the attention of it.

“You did it man,” Baekhyun yells over the loudness of the crowd, patting his shoulder comfortingly. 

“I did it,” Jaehyun agrees.

“Didn't think you’d have it in you so soon,” Baekhyun says, and Jaehyun shouldn’t be getting emotional because this is fun and friendly, yet the tears are prickling at his lashes.

“Thanks man, I can’t believe it either,” he says, “you did great too today-” and while Baekhyun did serve him the highest level of competition today, really determined to steal that first spot from him, he knows it’s not about that.

“This is about you, enjoy it,” Baekhyun says, before he steps back into the rest of the crowd. 

He’s crying at this point, eyes watery as he looks around the room. 

Donghyuck is standing with Mark, whom he meets eyes with briefly. He spares him a smile and a thumbs up, and it’s so _Donghyuck_ that the gesture feels so heartfelt, Jaehyun does it back at him.

Finally, after what feels like forever of various industry officials confirming how highly he should be thinking of himself, he spots Doyoung. He’s standing near the doorway, his tracksuit half unzipped as he eyes Jaehyun happily, watching his every move through the crowd with an expression on his face that’s so full of fondness Jaehyun’s chest is bursting with it.

He sprints the last few steps until he’s in front of Doyoung, throwing himself into his arms and burying his face in his neck. He sobs, his entire body shaking with the intensity of it as Doyoung wraps him up, holds him together as he cries. 

He thinks of Ten, of his sad promises about the first win, about the uphill battle that awaits him now that he’s completed this. Maybe that’s why he’s crying, because while this is a milestone and something he’s been anticipating for years, it’s also a callout that he has to do it all over again next year. Maybe it’s the relief that it’s finally over, that he’s proven to everyone that he’s worth it, that he’s not just that over achieving rookie everyone looked down on. 

Maybe it’s because somewhere deep down inside he’s still just _happy_ that he’s made it this far, that he’s persistent and hard working enough that with the right people - he’s here. 

Maybe it’s because he gets to share it with the right people now, and it feels like a mere coincidence of all factors coming together to make this possible. 

He thinks of Doyoung and how he owes him just about everything. He wouldn’t have been standing here without him, there’s no doubt about it, and as he says something through his tears into Doyoung’s ear over the loudness of the room, Doyoung just holds him tighter and pulls him through, proving his point. 

He feels it then, when Doyoung pulls away to look him in the eyes, that glance of admiration, the admiration to it.

It’s complete. 

Doyoung looks at him like he’s made it, like he’s _it_ , like this is the person is that Doyoung gave up everything for. And it feels good, feels like he’s finally enough.

He cries, first out of relief and then out of happiness. 

And then when Doyoung whispers into his ear how proud he is, he cries all over again. 

∆

Just when Jaehyun thinks he’s done talking to everyone and being congratulated for his win, there’s one more.

Yuta is standing outside the pit, leaning back against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. Jaehyun recognises him right away, face lighting up when he realises that Yuta is still here. 

Yuta’s team has long left the circuit, so there’s really no reason for him to be here, except for Jaehyun. 

“Yuta?” He calls, drawing Yuta’s attention to him.

“Hey,” Yuta says casually, but Jaehyun’s too overwhelmed to pretend anymore. 

He sprints the last few steps up to Yuta, before he’s throwing himself at him, arms around his neck and hugging him close. Yuta’s arm sneaks around his waist, drawing Jaehyun in, and then the waterworks start again. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Yuta says into his ear. 

Jaehyun can barely hear it over his own sobbing, but he clutches Yuta tighter in return. 

He wants to tell him how he couldn’t have done it without him. How he’s here because of people like Yuta who always believed in him and always pushed for him to do better. 

And he wants to say that it’s him, Yuta in particular, one of the people that made Jaehyun feel like he _could_ do it. 

“Okay, stop crying you big baby - we get it, you’ve won,” Yuta mocks him, patting him on the back encouragingly as he pulls away. 

“Shut up,” Jaehyun says, snotty with a mouthful of tears. 

They stare at each other for a moment, and then both start laughing. Jaehyun’s laughing through his tears and it feels good, so good to be able to share this with Yuta, put aside everything that’s been strained and painful between them. 

Now that Jaehyun’s won, none of those things matter anymore, because he’s happy and Yuta is happy with him. 

“Congratulations,” Yuta says, squeezing his shoulder. “You did well Jaehyun, you deserve this.” 

Jaehyun sniffles, biting his lip as he nods at Yuta. 

“I- I couldn’t have done this without you, you know that,” Jaehyun says. 

“I know,” Yuta agrees. It would be cocky coming from anyone else, but Yuta knows he’s right, knows that Jaehyun owes so much of his success to him. “We’ll celebrate together, okay? I’ll ask Sicheng, we’ll go out, make it a night out?” 

“Sounds good,” Jaehyun agrees, and he can’t wait - not to celebrate his win, there will be plenty of that tonight. He can’t wait for just a night out with his friends, maybe feel a little normal again. 

“Alright,” Yuta agrees, “I think you have some people to get to.” 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun agrees, seeing Yuta gesture back at his team.

“Enjoy it,” Yuta tells him, before he turns around and walks away. 

**DECEMBER 2018**

“So,” Yuta says, putting his palms flat on the table. “I’m saying, pre drinks here - takeaway for dinner on the tube, yes, I know - it’s sleazy, but we’re not here for fine cuisine, this is a celebration. Then we hit Soho, and then well - you know, we’ll see where it goes.” 

Jaehyun hums, looking around the table for everyone’s agreeing faces. They left Yuta in charge of the game plan for the night, a task he was living up to excellently. 

They hadn’t celebrated his win yet, not properly - not on their terms. 

They’d done it in front of cameras and industry officials with a moderate amount of alcohol, but not in their own private setting. 

Jaehyun had been looking forward to this night for so long, finally a chance to reconnect with his friends.

“Sounds good, if the first round is on you,” Sicheng says, nodding at Jaehyun. 

“Alright, what do you all want?”

“I think _someone_ won the world championship so maybe someone should get champagne,” Mark says, eyeing Jaehyun. 

“Fine,” Jaehyun agrees, sauntering off to the bar to order a bottle of champagne. 

He gets it on a tray with four glasses, shoving it up onto the table when he returns. 

“Hey I was thinking,” Mark says to Jaehyun, working on the cork of the champagne, “technically they didn’t win. _We_ won.” 

“Oh shut up,” Yuta says, rolling his eyes , “I practically raised this one, he wouldn’t have won without me.” 

Yuta playfully slaps Jaehyun’s ass as he leans over the table to give Sicheng a glass. 

“Gentlemen,” Jaehyun says, clearing his throat. “Fear not, there is enough of me to go around, I will give you all an autograph.” 

“An autograph,” Sicheng asks, laughing at Jaehyun. 

“You will get an exclusive _lipstick stained_ , Sicheng, because you’re my favourite,” Jaehyun confesses, blushing a little. 

Mark laughs, pointing at Jaehyun’s red ears. 

“Anyways, let’s cheer to this,” he goes on, taking his own glass and holding it up. “To uh… all of you. I wouldn’t have been here if it wasn’t for all of you, so honestly - from the bottom of my heart, as far as it’ll go in a place like this, _thank you_.” 

Everyone laughs as they take a sip. It’s a sweet and bubbly champagne, teasing on Jaehyun’s tongue as he drinks. 

“You’ve gone so soft,” Yuta remarks, as Jaehyun sits back down across from him. “It suits you.”

“Shut up,” Jaehyun retorts, but Yuta is not wrong. 

He has gone softer, more thankful for the people around him. Ten’s words haven’t left him. He needs to be grateful for the people he _does_ have, the moments that are worth cherishing. 

Nights like these, where Jaehyun almost forgets who he is or what he does, where he can just be a guy in a club with his friends. 

Of course it's not that simple - he’s always under the public eye, there could always be someone that recognises him or an intrusive reporter that snaps pictures of him. Still, he has to enjoy it to the best of his abilities. 

Nights out with people he trusts to take care of him - not take advantage of him. 

It’s a long night, but Jaehyun loses track of time until Mark announces that he should be going home. He’s the most sober of them all, and leaves just after two a.m., finding himself a taxi home to Donghyuck.

Sicheng has been eyeing someone all night, something Yuta and Jaehyun have made fun of ever since they first noticed. When Sicheng eventually successfully strikes up a conversation with the person in question, it’s four a.m. and Jaehyun can feel how tired he’s getting.

“Should we retire for the night?” Yuta suggests at just the right moment, where another drink will just make Jaehyun more tired than drunk.

They head outside where the rain is pouring, a crowd of people forming by the taxi queues. They’re clearly not the only one with plans to head home, and Jaehyun reaches into his pocket to grab his phone and see if he can call a taxi. 

Except his pocket is empty.

“Yuta!” Jaehyun yells over the rain, trying to gather his attention. “I lost my phone!”

“What?” Yuta yells back. The rain is smattering so hard against the roof, Jaehyun’s struggling to hear anything else. 

Yuta comes closer, his footsteps splashing in the rain. His hand locks around Jaehyun’s wrist, ushering him in under the shelter, crowding into his personal space to talk. 

“I lost my phone, we have to go back in-” Jaehyun explains again, pointing back at the door.

“No you didn’t,” Yuta yells back. 

He reaches into the pocket of his jacket, fishing out Jaehyun’s phone.

“Thanks man!” Jaehyun says, relieved to have his phone back, leaning back against the wall. “Ah fuck - it’s dead.” 

“You can borrow mine. What do you need?” 

“Just to get home, I need a taxi,” Jaehyun hiccups, “and I need to pay for it. With my phone.” 

“Uhh,” Yuta says, scratching the back of his head. “I mean I was gonna offer we could share but - I live way out, there’s really no point.” 

“Could I…” Jaehyun starts, clearing his throat. “Could I stay with you?” 

Yuta looks surprised, falling silent as a frown crosses his face. Jaehyun would see it if he weren’t so drunk and his vision wasn’t blurry.

“Uh… well…” Yuta frowns. “I mean - I guess. We have a guest bedroom, and uh… well Sicheng won’t be in tonight, so...” 

“Really?” Jaehyun’s suddenly excited - likely the alcohol speaking. “Thanks man, that’s great. Doyoung would kill me if I showed up like this, at this hour.” 

“Well then you better stay with me, can’t have you dead,” Yuta laughs, a little awkward - yet not forced enough for Jaehyun to feel unwelcome. 

They eventually get a taxi, Yuta helping Jaehyun into the backseat to aid his drunk clumsiness.

“You’re not going to be sick, are you?” Yuta asks as he clicks Jaehyun’s seat belt in place.

“I feel fine,” Jaehyun says, hiccuping to prove it. 

“Good - if you are, you’re paying for it,” Yuta warns him, but Jaehyun laughs it off.

The city lights pass by outside their window, neon lights blinking back through a mass of people making their way through nightclubs. In a split second Jaehyun thinks of Doyoung, and that he should probably text him that he’s not coming back tonight. 

When he reaches for his phone, he discovers again that it is, in fact, dead. 

“Fuck,” he curses, shoving it back down into his pocket. 

“What?” Yuta asks, alert suddenly - likely worried Jaehyun’s going to be sick on the car seat after all.

“I wanted to call Doyoung and let him know that ‘m not coming back but my phone…”

“Maybe don’t call him in this state,” Yuta says, “but you can text him from my phone.”

“You have his number?” Jaehyun’s face falls when he realises he doesn’t know Doyoung’s number off the top of his head. “I don’t even know his number…” 

“I have it,” Yuta assures. “Do you want to type?” Yuta suggests, handing over his phone. Jaehyun answers that question with his poor drunk coordination by dropping Yuta’s phone on the floor. 

“Fine, I’ll type,” Yuta agrees, grabbing his phone. “I’ll just say you’re with me, and that you’re fine.” 

“Yeah,” Jaehyun agrees, nodding to himself. “Tell him I’m _great_ and that I love him.” 

“I don’t think-”

“Please,” Jaehyun adds. He watches Yuta type out the message, the screen blurry to him before it goes black. “Did you send it?” 

“Yeah, I did,” Yuta promises, patting his phone in his jacket pocket.

“Good,” Jaehyun says. “Maybe I should call him when we get back, can I borrow your charger?” 

“It’s four in the morning,” Yuta points out. 

“That’s not good,” Jaehyun agrees. “But I miss him,” he realises belatedly, pouting. 

Yuta says nothing, the car stopping moments later to let them out on Yuta's doorstep. 

Jaehyun’s never been to Yuta’s house, and it feels strange when they take the elevator up. It goes way too fast for his liking, his head spinning as he holds onto the railing, trying to keep upright. 

“You okay?” Yuta asks, but to answer his question Jaehyun stumbles and falls, crashing into Yuta’s side. 

He hisses in pain, realising he’s cut his hand open on a sharp edge of the railing. Looking at it, a small sliver of red stares back at him, his drunk brain frowning at it stupidly,

“Ow,” he whines, and Yuta grabs his wrist, looking at his hand in shock.

“You idiot,” Yuta berates him, putting an arm around his shoulder to walk him out of the elevator when the door opens. 

Yuta turns on the lights in his apartment before he ushers Jaehyun into the kitchen, telling him to wait by the counter while he disappears into the bathroom. He returns with some cotton swabs, a band aid and a bottle of disinfectant. 

Jaehyun frowns at it, his drunk mind unable to put the things together.

“For your hand,” Yuta explains. 

He puts his palm on the counter, inspecting the minor cut he has on it. It doesn’t even bleed much, just a small trickle, and still Yuta folds his palm open and uncaps them sterilising liquid.

“This will hurt,” he warns, but Jaehyun’s too slow to register it and he ends up hissing in pain when Yuta swabs his hand. 

“Told you,” Yuta points out.

“Why are you so mean?” Jaehyun whines, clumsily leaning into Yuta’s side. 

“I’m putting a band aid on your million dollar hands, I think I’m allowed to be mean,” Yuta huffs, plastering the band-aid out over Yuta’s palm. “You’re wet,” Yuta says next.

Jaehyun probably stood in the rain a little too long, long enough for his thin jacket to soak through into his dress shirt.

“The rain,” Jaehyun reminds him, like they didn’t just get in together. 

Yuta rolls his eyes. “I’ll get you something from Sicheng, it should fit you - you’re about the same size.” 

Jaehyun hums, nodding lazily as he watches Yuta leave again. He’s significantly more sober than Jaehyun, or handling his alcohol much better. 

He returns with a chance of clothes, putting them on the counter. 

“The things I had to see to get you those pants,” Yuta says, patting the stack of clothes before he shoves it in Jaehyun’s direction. 

“What?” Jaehyun asks drowsily, squinting at Yuta.

“I opened a drawer and it was full of leather and chains,” Yuta explains, and Jaehyun laughs wholeheartedly, gripping the counter to keep from doubling over. “It’s always the quiet ones.” 

“I’m a quiet one,” Jaehyun says, his brain to mouth filter not intact, at all. 

He’s undoing the buttons of his dress shirt, shrugging it off his shoulders as he reaches for the folded up T-shirt.

“Shut up,” Yuta says, shaking his head to himself. “You don’t get to talk about your kinks, not right here.” 

Jaehyun shrugs as if to say it’s Yuta’s loss before he undoes his belt and lets his pants fall down his legs.

“Yo, what are you doing?” Yuta asks, a hint of panic in his voice.

“I’m getting changed, what do you mean?” Jaehyun asks as he grabs the sweatpants.

“We have a bathroom where you can change,” Yuta points out.

“Why?” Jaehyun asks, pulling the pants up to his hips. They’re almost a perfect fit, maybe a little too snug. “I’ve changed in front of you in the pit a bunch of times.” 

“If your fucking long johns not _naked_ ,” Yuta says.

“I am not,” Jaehyun hiccups, “naked.”

“Let’s keep it like that,” Yuta agrees, going over to grab a glass from one of the cabinets. He fills it up and hands it to Jaehyun, who gulps it down obediently. As soon as he finishes it Yuta takes it back, filling it right up and handing it back.

“I’m gonna have to piss all night,” Jaehyun exclaims in his third glass.

“You’re gonna thank me in the morning,” Yuta points out, taking the final empty glass. “I’ll show you the guest room.” 

The bed is already made in the guest room, meaning Jaehyun can just flop down on the bed as soon as Yuta shows him inside. He does it a little too eagerly, room spinning when he looks up at Yuta.

“Here,” Yuta says, placing the bucket he brought from the kitchen next to the bed. “If you’re going to be sick, please do it here.” 

“Sure,” Jaehyun agrees.

Yuta puts Jaehyun’s phone on the bedside table, along with a bottle of water. 

“I sleep down the hall if you need anything, but please don’t wake me up until tomorrow afternoon,” Yuta says.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun agrees, then thinks about it - how the fuck he ended up here in Yuta’s guest room. “Thanks for taking care of me.” 

“Always,” Yuta says, before he leaves, closing the door behind him. 

Jaehyun sits up in bed, trying to familiarise himself with the room and stop his head from spinning. He’s still a little too drunk to lie down, his whole body feeling funny, like he’s in a wave pool. 

Anxiously he eyes the bucket, feeling a little calmer to know he has it within arms reach in case he needs it.

Still he’s very tired, feeling the drowsiness really hammer in now that he’s sitting in a comfortable bed and sleep suddenly isn’t so far away. He just needs to wait out the worst of the nausea and hopefully pass out.

He sits back against the headboard, grabbing his phone to serve as a distraction, whining when it comes up dead. He’s going to need that fully charged tomorrow, so he _needs_ that charger Yuta promised him.

Against his will he gets to his feet, dragging them as he makes his way down the hallway to what he hopes is Yuta’s bedroom door. 

It’s half open, and he peers inside to see Yuta sitting on the side of his bed.

“Hey,” Jaehyun says, startling Yuta. 

Yuta looks back at him, his face a little red. Jaehyun mistakes it as alcohol, watching Yuta wipe at his eyes, clearing his throat before speaking.

“Do you need anything?”

Jaehyun hiccups. “A charger.” 

“A charger?” Yuta repeats. His voice is squeaky, but Jaehyun doesn’t notice. 

“For my phone - it’s dead,” Jaehyun explains. 

“Right,” Yuta agrees. 

He gets up, goes over to his desk and picks up a white wire. Jaehyun comes into his room, stalks over to Yuta, swaying on his legs. 

“Whoa,” Yuta says, stilling him when he comes too close.

He puts a hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder to help him keep upright, putting the charger into Jaehyun’s open hand. 

“Are you going to be okay on your way back?” Yuta asks, helping Jaehyun stand back up on his own.

The answer is no, because as soon as Jaehyun takes a step back in hopes of returning to the guest room, the strength in his legs abandons him and he crashes down on Yuta’s bed, stretching out gracelessly over it as he falls down. 

“Jaehyun,” Yuta complains, kicking against his leg to get him up again - but Yuta’s bed is comfortable and he is finally lying down, stretching out, finally able to rest for long enough to close his eyes. 

Yuta sighs, footsteps coming around the bed. 

“You can’t sleep here Jaehyun, this is my bed,” Yuta points out, but Jaehyun is nuzzling against the sheets, crawling up the bed until his head meets a pillow. 

“It’s so comfortable,” Jaehyun drawls out. 

The room is still spinning, but maybe just a little less, Yuta’s voice a comfortable distraction to ground him. 

“It is - but it’s mine. Please don’t make me drag you out to the guest room, I’m really not going to let you-” Jaehyun doesn’t hear the rest of what Yuta has to say, because he’s out like a light.

∆

When Jaehyun wakes up, his throat is so dry he can barely swallow. His eyes are plastered shut with sleep and he feels nauseous, his head splitting down the middle. He’s disoriented when he tries to sit up, feeling the bed sheets under his fingertips that don’t resemble his own. 

Peeling his eyes open, he realises he is _not_ in his own bed. The headboard is a plain wood, the decorative pillows Doyoung insists on basking in their absence.

He tries to recall last night, trying being the keyword there - his head aching when the memories flash before his eyes. At least it settles where he is, in Yuta’s apartment - or to be more precise, in Yuta’s bedroom. He remembers passing out there last night after he came in to ask for a charger for his dead phone, something which is probably still dead. 

He hadn’t even called Doyoung last night - thinking that a text message was enough to explain why he wouldn’t be home tonight. 

When he looks to the side he does spot his phone, thankfully plugged in and charging on his nightstand. He grabs it, the screen lighting up to reveal the five messages Doyoung has sent him last night.

He holds his breath as he reads them, fearing the worst - but feeling relieved when he reads the last one wishing him goodnight. 

Doyoung’s not even mad - just worried if he made it back okay, and then there’s a message that Jaehyun definitely didn’t send himself, but that’s still from him, saying that he’s safe and wishing Doyoung a good night. 

All in all, everything went better than expected, and Jaehyun sighs in relief when he rests back against the pillow. 

After going through his messages from last night, texting Taeil about something they’ve got planned for him at the office tomorrow, he decides to get out of bed. He’s not as dizzy as he anticipated, easily making his way through Yuta’s bedroom and into the kitchen. 

Yuta’s curled up on the sofa, a duvet draped over him, ending at his arms folded over it to hold his phone.

“Good morning,” Jaehyun says as he helps himself to a glass of water in the kitchen. He leans against the counter and eyes Yuta, noticing the pillow stuffed behind him. “Wait, you slept here?”

“Good morning to you too.”

Yuta sits upright, stretching his arms up above his head.

“I did, yes,” he answers, chuckling. “Someone decided they preferred sleeping in my bed, and the sofa’s kind of comfy, so.” 

“Sorry about that,” Jaehyun apologises a little shamefully, taking another sip of water.

“Don’t worry about it,” Yuta says, getting to his feet. “Would you like something to eat?” 

“Uhh,” Jaehyun says, scratching his head. Although he hadn’t felt nauseous, he’s not sure how his hungover state is going to react to a solid meal. 

“Coffee?” Yuta offers instead.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Jaehyun agrees. “Thank you for last night, for letting me stay here.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Yuta brushes it off as he reaches for two mugs from the cupboard. “I had fun last night.”

“Me too, it was great.” Jaehyun agrees, happy for a change of subject. “I’ve really missed you all, and just stuff like that, hanging out together.” 

“Comes with the job,” Yuta says, shrugging. “For what it’s worth, we miss you too, y’know.” 

Jaehyun purses his lips, taking the cup of coffee Yuta offers him. 

“Outside of work, I mean,” Yuta explains, sitting down across from Jaehyun with his own coffee. 

“Yeah?” Jaehyun asks, because as much as he misses Yuta, he’s not sure if that feeling is mutual. Yuta says it sometimes, but he never looks like he means it - always leaving something unsaid. 

“Yukhei’s good, but he’s not you.” 

Jaehyun bites his lip. It’s what he feels about Taeyong too, that he’s good - but he’ll never be Yuta. 

It hurts a little less knowing Yuta feels the same.

Yuta reaches out to put his hand on Jaehyun’s, giving it a soft squeeze.

“Let’s celebrate again next year, huh?” 

∆

“Here,” Jaehyun says, asking for the drill that Doyoung’s holding. 

He leans over, carefully keeping his balance so he doesn’t fall off the ladder. 

Jaehyun takes the last two screws, sets them into the slots before he finishes up the shelf. He steps back, shuffling up next to Doyoung to look at it.

It’s not exactly straight, but he had not expected anything else from the two of them. The shelf was bulky and not the easiest thing to assemble, let alone put up on the wall.

But now it’s there, and Jaehyun tilts his head as he looks at it, fooling himself that it looks straighter. 

“Looks good,” Doyoung comments. 

Jaehyun snorts at the statement, and Doyoung joins him, laughing at how unconvinced they are. 

“It’ll do,” Jaehyun says. “It’s in our office - no one comes in here.” 

“Agreed,” Doyoung says. “Do you wanna go first?” 

“No, you go first - let’s do it chronologically,” Jaehyun urges him, brushing his hand over the small of Doyoung’s back as he pushes him to their desk. 

All the trophies are standing on it, four of Doyoung’s and the fresh one Jaehyun took home just weeks ago. 

They’d been gathering dust on top of a bookshelf, but now that Jaehyun’s adding one to it, Doyoung had suggested they get a proper display. 

Doyoung gathers them up in his arms, before he walks up to the shelf and starts stalling them out. They’re all the same, the smaller equivalent of Jaehyun’s - the lead engineer trophy. Still they look good with him as he likes them up on the shelf.

“Looks good,” Jaehyun comments, not just talking about the trophies. 

“Go ahead,” Doyoung gestures, and now it’s Jaehyun's turn.

When he stalls out his trophies, he doesn’t really feel anything special. They feel like they’re just pieces of decoration, except for when he steps back and sees them lined up. 

He looks at it, the sun reflecting on the gold, almost blinding. His second and third place are standing shy next to it, simply background clutter to the rest.

It’s a great sight, their accomplishments stalled out together, but it’s also confronting. The empty spot next to his first place trophy is striking. It’s staring right back at him, almost mocking him, rubbing in the fact that there’s always more. 

He’s made it now - but next year, he has to do it all over again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading again. as always i would love to hear your feedback, so please leave a comment if you'd like!

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on @ohsunwrites on twitter!


End file.
